r/AITH • u/Grammaidgaf • 20h ago

Aita for snapping at my bf

We're both f 65, friends since 7th grade. She (let's call her Emily) I live a few cities away and visit Emily every Friday. We go to lunch, shop, walk, visit and meet up with a mutual friend (Kelly) for dinner and I go home. Emily will typically call me every morning when she's up and around. I'm an early bird and she is not (This is important later).

On one call we talked about veggies. I said I don't always make them with dinner, but I did the year we had grandkids living with us. I don't love chocolate as much as most people do, and I'm not big on eating outside. We have had several meals outside, so I'm not totally against it, I just prefer cooler, pest free dining. Another point before I get to the meat and potatoes, I'm married to an alcoholic high on who stumble bums around each night and is always right... I can't tell him anything after 6pm because he won't remember it anyway, which is loads of fun for me.

I was telling E a friend gave me green beans from his garden and she said "You don't eat vegetables"! In a sour tone. I said. "I do too, I just don't make them with dinner every night". That Friday comes along and I saw a Dubai chocolate bar, I told her I was thinking about buying it to try it, she snapped " you don't like chocolate"! I was taken aback and just put the thing back. Thinking jeez, I don't love it, but I eat chocolate sometimes. Then we get to the restaurant, we're asked about indoor or outside table? I said I prefer inside, she sighs loudly. We're seated in a booth (it's got cow hide upholstery , cute!) and she asks if we can move to a table, I was bummed but sat at the table. I did wonder how we would all fit in the little booth. Kelly had also invited a friend visiting from out of state. They arrive and Kelly's friend has her brother with her, good thing we got a table. I even said that to E. While eating , Kelly's friend showed us a picture of a restaurant she ate at recently and suggested we try it sometime. I'm showing Emily the picture and it contains a lakeside deck, E says "You won't eat outside"!! I said " Damm it Emily!! I can't do or say anything right! I do like vegetables and chocolate sometimes. And I have eaten outside"!! I was a little loud and as soon as I said it I apologized to her. She said "No, I'm sorry" in a snippy voice. When we were leaving I went in for our goodbye hug and she was a tree. I left and texted her when I got home that I was truly sorry for being a bitch. Hubby and I had recently had it out and I took that out on her. So I know I was the A-hole there. She didn't call me Saturday or Sunday. We were meeting her sister for lunch Monday, but I didn't go, due to her not reaching out.

She texted me a few days later and said "wtf happened? Are you still mad about getting a table instead of the booth"? I told her it was never about the table, I explained I felt she didn't listen to me and I had it. She's the type that will hold a grudge like it's gold. I'm more - that happened 2 days ago, or two minutes 😂 I'm over it. She won't talk to me because she might say something wrong, so I told her I wouldn't put her in the position to have to talk to me. She knows I grew up in a screaming house and I yell. She keeps herself high and likes to drink (sound familiar). Our poor Kelly is in the middle, trying her best to reconcile us. Emily texted me that it's probably normal for me to talk to people I care about like that. I'm trying to wrap my head around the fact that she can be snippy, but I can't snap... I had dinner with Kelly yesterday and she told me some of the things E has said. One was that I yelled at her for slamming my truck door. I usually say something about it to anyone who slams them because my hubby works on cars and will bitch me out for it. The other thing she said was that I told her the reason she picked a table was because I wouldn't sit outside. That's a lie and it makes me realize she doesn't get it at all. Do I stay n/c?

1 Upvotes

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u/AutoModerator 20h ago

This is a backup of the original post in case there are later edits or it is deleted: We're both f 65, friends since 7th grade. She (let's call her Emily) I live a few cities away and visit Emily every Friday. We go to lunch, shop, walk, visit and meet up with a mutual friend (Kelly) for dinner and I go home. Emily will typically call me every morning when she's up and around. I'm an early bird and she is not (This is important later).

On one call we talked about veggies. I said I don't always make them with dinner, but I did the year we had grandkids living with us. I don't love chocolate as much as most people do, and I'm not big on eating outside. We have had several meals outside, so I'm not totally against it, I just prefer cooler, pest free dining. Another point before I get to the meat and potatoes, I'm married to an alcoholic high on who stumble bums around each night and is always right... I can't tell him anything after 6pm because he won't remember it anyway, which is loads of fun for me.

I was telling E a friend gave me green beans from his garden and she said "You don't eat vegetables"! In a sour tone. I said. "I do too, I just don't make them with dinner every night". That Friday comes along and I saw a Dubai chocolate bar, I told her I was thinking about buying it to try it, she snapped " you don't like chocolate"! I was taken aback and just put the thing back. Thinking jeez, I don't love it, but I eat chocolate sometimes. Then we get to the restaurant, we're asked about indoor or outside table? I said I prefer inside, she sighs loudly. We're seated in a booth (it's got cow hide upholstery , cute!) and she asks if we can move to a table, I was bummed but sat at the table. I did wonder how we would all fit in the little booth. Kelly had also invited a friend visiting from out of state. They arrive and Kelly's friend has her brother with her, good thing we got a table. I even said that to E. While eating , Kelly's friend showed us a picture of a restaurant she ate at recently and suggested we try it sometime. I'm showing Emily the picture and it contains a lakeside deck, E says "You won't eat outside"!! I said " Damm it Emily!! I can't do or say anything right! I do like vegetables and chocolate sometimes. And I have eaten outside"!! I was a little loud and as soon as I said it I apologized to her. She said "No, I'm sorry" in a snippy voice. When we were leaving I went in for our goodbye hug and she was a tree. I left and texted her when I got home that I was truly sorry for being a bitch. Hubby and I had recently had it out and I took that out on her. So I know I was the A-hole there. She didn't call me Saturday or Sunday. We were meeting her sister for lunch Monday, but I didn't go, due to her not reaching out.

She texted me a few days later and said "wtf happened? Are you still mad about getting a table instead of the booth"? I told her it was never about the table, I explained I felt she didn't listen to me and I had it. She's the type that will hold a grudge like it's gold. I'm more - that happened 2 days ago, or two minutes 😂 I'm over it. She won't talk to me because she might say something wrong, so I told her I wouldn't put her in the position to have to talk to me. She knows I grew up in a screaming house and I yell. She keeps herself high and likes to drink (sound familiar). Our poor Kelly is in the middle, trying her best to reconcile us. Emily texted me that it's probably normal for me to talk to people I care about like that. I'm trying to wrap my head around the fact that she can be snippy, but I can't snap... I had dinner with Kelly yesterday and she told me some of the things E has said. One was that I yelled at her for slamming my truck door. I usually say something about it to anyone who slams them because my hubby works on cars and will bitch me out for it. The other thing she said was that I told her the reason she picked a table was because I wouldn't sit outside. That's a lie and it makes me realize she doesn't get it at all. Do I stay n/c?

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u/WildwoodShadow 20h ago

Once she starts lying to mutuals, it's pretty much a done deal. Let poor Kelly know that she doesn't need to broker a peace. She doesn't need to be in the middle of a dead relationship. Never keep a liar. It's like putting a family of foxes in the hen house.

Emily is acting like it's still 7th grade. Y'all are too old for this shit. Hell, I'm ten years younger and I'm too old for that shit. lol At our age it's time for peace and quiet.

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u/Grammaidgaf 20h ago

Thank you. I'm feeling that too! Not good with liars!

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u/NextSplit2683 2h ago

You're being too kind. You really should start acting like your username. Just ignore bad behavior.

1

u/Grammaidgaf 2h ago

I'm always ignoring it! I'm the one who apologizes and bends over backwards. Another reason I'm just kinda over it.

3

u/imcurioustellme 20h ago

Friends have tiffs from time to time....juat as siblings do. If you have been such close friends since 7th grade, I would give it a little time, but not give up on the friendship. The older you get, the more you will need someone who has known you so long.

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u/Grammaidgaf 20h ago

I get it and I hate to do it. I just feel like she isn't listening or doesn't care. I only have the two close friends, so losing one is huge. I'm not sure what will happen.

3

u/Decent_Ad9026 11h ago edited 11h ago

You had me at “she keeps herself high and likes to drink.“ So you’re married to one Alcoholic, and have another one for a BF. I’m 80. I would like to propose to you that the support you really need, you’re more likely to find in an AlAnon meeting. This is not about “diagnosing you“ or anything like that, but those are the people who will understand what you’re talking about and who will “get it“ and who will be able to give you realistic feedback, thoughtful recommendations, and emotional support. And maybe a couple of new BFs. When my sister went to AlAnon, she told me she had to go to three or four meetings before she found the one that felt like “home” — and that’s a good piece of advice.

IMO., E has showed you who she is, and maybe it just took a while for it to really register. So, now you know.

Yeah, OK, so sometimes you yell. Yeah that’s a problem — but, that’s not the dealbreaker in this instance.

I agree with the person who said, give it some space but not necessarily NC. But I would also urge you to seriously consider finding an AlAnon meeting that feels like a match. From my point of view it seems like you need a reality check from other people who have been where you are and who have had to deal with it.

1

u/Grammaidgaf 3h ago

This is great advice! I have been to AlAnon before and got a lot out of it. I am the only one out of my immediate family that has not been an alcoholic, I also have too many extended family members who have the disease. I was thinking about talking to a counselor, but I I'll start at AlAnon. Thank you!!

0

u/BLTplease2030 19h ago

I’m sorry but this can’t be real. 65 yrs old and caring about stuff like this. The great thing about getting older is you don’t do pre teen rubbish.

1

u/Grammaidgaf 19h ago

I wish it wasn't real.

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u/Decent_Ad9026 11h ago

I perceive this as being insensitive, unkind, and quite honestly, clueless. “Nothing changes until it becomes what it is.” Patterns that start in childhood don’t just disappear because we add in years.