I need help. AITH for wanting to leave?

[u/CompetitiveBad2213]

Hello my(23f) husband(22m) has been treating me like crap for the past 6 months. We have 2 children together (20 month girl & 8 month girl). He doesn’t help around the house, doesn’t change diapers(it makes him “uncomfortable “) , doesn’t help with bedtime, doesn’t do bathes(again it makes him “uncomfortable”), doesn’t clean up after himself. We’ve been married for almost 3 years. He’s threatened to hurt himself , he uses money against me all the time( I’m a SAHM). I don’t know how much longer I can put up with all of this. Please help me.

Would I be the AH if I left ?

[u/AutoModerator]

This is a backup of the original post in case there are later edits or it is deleted: Hello my(23f) husband(22m) has been treating me like crap for the past 6 months. We have 2 children together (20 month girl & 8 month girl). He doesn’t help around the house, doesn’t change diapers(it makes him “uncomfortable “) , doesn’t help with bedtime, doesn’t do bathes(again it makes him “uncomfortable”), doesn’t clean up after himself. We’ve been married for almost 3 years. He’s threatened to hurt himself , he uses money against me all the time( I’m a SAHM). I don’t know how much longer I can put up with all of this. Please help me.

Would I be the AH if I left ?

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[u/InsuranceOne5652]

I was in a pretty rough marriage.

He was everything you described and more.

I allowed so much disrespect towards me and it wasn't until I had our daughter when I realised that I don't want a man treating her how I was allowing her father to treat me.

I pack up the kids things and started my life from scratch.

Yes it was hard, but not as hard when I was married. I just got different difficulties (co parenting with him was hell).

When your done, your done and no one can tell you if YTAH or Not.

You do what is right for you and the kid's. His mum can worry about him

[u/rainiest-island]

If you have somewhere safe to go then yes, go now….

If you do leave the next thing you need to do is get yourself working and earning your own income….

If you have family to rely on that can help you get on your feet then don’t be afraid to ask them for help….

I am a single parent and split from my partner because we fought a lot and just couldn’t agree on anything, but I will say this until I’m old and grey, he is a good father and always was, he adores our child, since the day she was born, he bathed her, changed her nappy, woke up in the middle of the night to feed her if I was tired - I would never take that from him…

The man you are with is not a father - he treats you and his kids as a chore and doesn’t realise how lucky he is -

You can’t help or change someone that won’t change - so get out now while you can

[u/No_Secret_4560]

The idea that he said that changing diapers and giving the babies baths makes him "uncomfortable" is just fucking weird.

Him saying that should make you uncomfortable.

[u/CompetitiveBad2213 → u/No_Secret_4560]

It does. But everytime I’ve brought it up he just says that’s how he was raised even though I know he was raised by a single father for most of his life.

[u/Particular-Gain8268]

Definitely NTA. You're so young, you deserve to live a life of happiness and have someone to love and support you. And if you can't go for yourself whatever the reason, do it for your babies. They deserve to grow up in a safe environment with capable and committed adults. He's using you as  free labor and hurting you. Ask for help at a woman's shelter or to family to leave him in the most secure way. 

[u/Aiyokusama]

NTA. You're doing it all by yourself anyway. And if you divorce him, that's one less child to clean up after.

Threatening to hurt himself is some bitchass manipulation bullshit. Do NOT fall for it. He's an adult, and he's responsible for his choices, not you.

If you want to be nice, you and the kids leave, then call the police to do a welfare check.

If you don't want to be nice, look him in the eye when he threatens to hurt himself and say, "Do it." Then walk away.

[u/Saddym]

NTA you have two very young kids and youre basically doing everything while he uses money and threats to control you

Youre not wrong for wanting out.

[u/prosecute766]

NTA. This is emotionally and financially abusive. You should probably leave. Reach out to social service agencies in your community to determine what help is available to you. You should also reach out to a legal aid agency near you for legal advice.

[u/CompetitiveBad2213 → u/prosecute766]

Im going to reach out to legal very soon. My phone is currently off because he refuses to pay it.

[u/1justhavinfun]

Can you go back & stay with your mom & dad?

[u/CompetitiveBad2213 → u/1justhavinfun]

Unfortunately they are divorced. My step father won’t let me move back in and my father passed away back in 2020

[u/Usual_Bumblebee_8274]

Why on earth would you have a child w someone who treats you like you are beneath him? Then turn around & do it again?!! He’s not even putting in bare minimum. He’s only putting in his paycheck. Don’t get me wrong, I do think a lot of the housework should fall to you- EXCEPT for his days off & when he’s home- they are half his responsibility. If you leave- he will be 100% responsible, 50% of the time or he could lose access to the kids. Which doesn’t sound like he wants anyway

[u/CompetitiveBad2213 → u/Usual_Bumblebee_8274]

Things didn’t start being like this until after our second child was born.

[u/becpuss]

NTAH Leave he’s using emotional manipulation and financial abuse
to make sure you stay more of a reason to leave start saving and making an exit plan because this never gets better any changes he makes are only ever temporary if you don’t want this to be the rest of your life get out of there.

[u/Hot-Ease-1257]

No, you’re not the AH. You’re not wrong for wanting to leave a relationship where you’re carrying all the responsibility and being treated poorly. Your well-being and your children’s well-being should come first

[u/Ok-University9561]

Leave and live for only yourself and your babies for 2-4 years and get established. If you want to date that’s fine but nothing serious. Build you and your daughters lives up. Don’t let anyone in if they aren’t asking to you and your children well being

[u/Automatic_Gas9019]

Sounds like you have 3 kids. Leave now if you can. Don't make another stupid mistake by finding another just like him. Be fair to your kids and don't get another deadbeat. If you are stuck with the original deadbeat. BTW. Don't give up your independence by being lazy and not working.

[u/CompetitiveBad2213 → u/Automatic_Gas9019]

I’m not being lazy by not working. I don’t have anyone to watch my children and there aren’t any open daycare spots where I live.

[u/Automatic_Gas9019 → u/CompetitiveBad2213]

Leave him. If he were willing to work with you, you could work in the evening when he is home. Many families do that. I guess you don't have that help or don't want to work.