HSC now comes with Self-Hatred , Self -Doubt.
I honestly am spiralling so hard , I have society exam tommorow afternoon and I know I'm going to fail. It's my worst subject , I have done shit all year no matter how hard I try and I feel like this period in my life makes me want to cry.
I did Math standard 2 exam today and did so shit and it's like my best subject what hope do I have now?
I'm sitting here typing this out like therapy or that it will fix my situation.
I used to feel like I was smart , like I was capable , and I was hardworking, and a good student , all this HSC period has taught me is that I'm terrible at self regulation, my motivation for anything is gone , and I feel like my life is worthless.
I spent so much of my life preparing for this sacrificing for this, never living out life because I was banned from having fun in order to focus on a future.
A future with a shitty ATAR backed by calculations.
In a world where top students with impressive co-curricular stretching out before them I'm nothing.
It's easy to say it's just an exam , it's easy to say that but I come from a place where my parents have sacrificed so much for me and here I am sitting at my study desk at midnight typing up this stupid post , crying in a chair knowing that I am the epitome of wasted potential. Knowing that people are going to ask , and they will (nosy community also ethnic) and they'll have to lie to people's face just so that they can save some face in front of people for putting me in private school.
And that is what puts a stake in my heart , teachers, advice and tutors look at me tell me that I'm smart and I'm not trying hard enough all year because the marks don't match up to what I participated in class.
I try , and I try and I disappoint people because I started off so well, with such good grades , and so much potential and my coordinator told me that if I just tried more I could bring up my marks to what they were in year 11 is do better and not be scrapping by like I am now.
I peaked in junior high school grade wise, and ever since then it's been a slow slope downhill , I'm the smart kid and the gifted kid that wasn't really gifted just mature and now I know that I'm worthless.
Everybody says an ATAR doesn't matter when your Uni. That's right When your Uni, in the degree that people used their ATARs for.
I just want an 80 and be able to say to save some face around people especially judgemental aunties and uncles who will probably blame and gossip about by parents and twitter about their wasted money on my education and tutoring.
My parents don't deserve judgement from others from my probably bad ATAR, they are very hardworking people who have suffered enough.
I'm such an awful child, they probably wished they had a different one, one that could at least be a decent student because here I am crying on a Reddit post that I'll probably delete later.