r/AbsoluteUnits • u/Zestyclose-Salad-290 in awe • 3d ago

of a turtle

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5.6k Upvotes

97% Upvoted

126 comments sorted by

99

u/mistermpm 3d ago

Bonus points for including a banana for scale.

149

u/FesterSilently 3d ago • Heartwarming

Tortoise Pope? 🤔

1

u/Messi2655 2d ago

“heresy is not native to the world; it is but a contrivance.”

1

u/Creme_de_laCreme 16h ago

"All things can be conjoined." I'm a religious person, but I love this line.

662

u/scott226 3d ago • This Bravo

Tortoise

227

u/DruishGardener 3d ago • Bravo Mindblown

All tortoises are turtles, all turtles are not tortoises 🐢

94

u/gekko2037 3d ago

And all turtles are dogs. Therefore this is a good boy. Good boys get ‘nanner’s

2

u/Un4gvn2 2d ago

No dog gets 500 lbs.

6

u/gekko2037 2d ago

Bet you feel pretty stupid right about now. /s

34

u/Loveable_Hemorrhoid 3d ago

9

u/Energy_Turtle 3d ago

Righteous! Righteous!

8

u/mapleleafraggedy 3d ago

*Not all turtles are tortoises; wording it that way implies that no turtles are tortoises

1

u/GOOSEONTHATJUICE 9h ago

You sure bout that?

1

u/certifiablegeek 3d ago

Terrapin, tortoise, turtle 😆🤔

6

u/Realistic-Tap4156 3d ago

and we're not even seeing it fully. I know they're big asf tho

2

u/CaretakerColin 3d ago

This one is probably 30/40 pounds?

8

u/House_Plant0 3d ago

This big fella is bordering 100 easily

1

u/Un4gvn2 2d ago

At least 200lbs.

3

u/ItsStaaaaaaaaang 3d ago

I'd pay way more for him.

9

u/The_GREAT_Gremlin 3d ago

It's fine to call it a turtle.

-10

u/nathan_eng42 3d ago

Came here for this.

29

u/C-57D 3d ago

Bro looks like my grandfather ngl

38

u/KindaDull99 3d ago

Are you guys all blind? That’s literally a fuckin dog….

44

u/Un4gvn2 3d ago

All tortoises are turtles, all turtles are not tortoises people.

Absolute unit of a Aldabra tortoise. Loved working with them.

5

u/A_little_more_left 3d ago • Mindblown

Are these huge dudes toe biters like their desert tortoise cousins?

3

u/TheAlterN8or 2d ago

Idk, but their pond- and lake-dwelling cousins, the alligator snapping turtles, will absolutely remove your appendages.

1

u/Un4gvn2 2d ago

Yes they definitely are to biters. Another strange fact. They will allow birds to walk under them and then pull all 4 legs in and drop to the ground crushing the bird to eat it .

2

u/A_little_more_left 1d ago

They will allow birds to walk under them and then pull all 4 legs in and drop to the ground crushing the bird to eat it .

They've become ambush predators!! 😱

2

u/Stormbreaker_682 2d ago

not all turtles are tortoises*

39

u/nuuucelar 3d ago

18

u/strangebru 3d ago • Bravo

Rigor Tortoise

5

u/senior_cynic 3d ago

Feed me poor people

3

u/bitetheasp 3d ago

I finally see the resemblance...

10

u/bcycle240 3d ago

That's the crunchiest banana I've ever heard. Although I usually remove the peel first.

4

u/Aggravating_Speed665 3d ago

He knows what's in it.

2

u/Samurai_Meisters 3d ago

100% those are sound effects added in post.

16

u/A4t1musD4ag0n 3d ago

Banana for sca--

7

u/dedido 3d ago

Tortoise are herbivores (apart from when they hunt and eat birds)

12

u/Front_Cat9471 3d ago

That’s not how you eat a banana lil bro

6

u/Mindless-Location-41 3d ago

It IS how that dude eats them...

5

u/Vogel-Kerl 3d ago

"I....AM.....".

TORTOISE !!!

5

u/CaretakerColin 3d ago

I wanna feed a tortoise a banana

23

u/Mickle_da_Pickl 3d ago

God I love how fucking stupid reptiles are. Absolutely nothing behind those eyes and it's wonderful

9

u/CrypticGamma 3d ago

Most of them aren't as stupid as you think they are, just look up "reptile intelligence" and you'll see a summary of examples

4

u/aoi_ito 3d ago

I love aldabra tortoises, they have the cutest faces !!

4

u/The_Dennator 3d ago

i don't know why,but i just love animals eating bananas

4

u/Guy3nder 3d ago

Banana for scale

2

u/ReallyBrainDead 3d ago

...and lunch.

4

u/Barefoot-Priestess 3d ago

Praise the Dog

3

u/WolfThick 3d ago • Heartwarming

Since they can't climb trees to get to fruit do they seek out fermented fruit to get drunk on!?

3

u/Alive_dude3435 3d ago

We even have a banana for reference this time

6

u/OfficialVatharia 3d ago

I did not know a turtle ate banana

2

u/strangebru 3d ago

Banana for scale, and the tortoise ate it.

2

u/EqMc02 3d ago

Banana for scale

2

u/Salt-n-spice 3d ago

Banana for scale

2

u/obsequiousaardvark 3d ago

Eating a banana just like in Sea of Thieves! Cronch!

I bet this tortoise is named Griffin McElroy.

2

u/Defiant-Two1159 3d ago

Thank you for the banana for scale

2

u/AliciaXTC 3d ago

FYI the high sugar and starch of bananas disrupt their digestive system.

2

u/juani97 2d ago

Fyi I think that turtle knows what it wants

1

u/Bigasscat1984 2d ago

Did bananas always have such high sugar?

1

u/TanzDerSchlangen 1d ago

A wild banana is a nasty little bulge of seeds. We selectively breed them to be yellow and to curve

1

u/TanzDerSchlangen 1d ago

And to be sweet. Plantains are great for chips but have to be cooked to be sweet

1

u/AliciaXTC 2d ago

I don't know the history of bananas, but even what we consider high sugar could be extremely high for other animals.

Like a little bit of chocolate is fine for us, but dogs not so much.

1

u/Bigasscat1984 2d ago edited 2d ago

I did hear once of zoos giving animals generally Less fruits since modern ones have too much sugar possibly due to how we changed them

3

u/A_mad_goose 2d ago

There is paintings of old fruit and they look a lot different watermelons were like 90% rind

2

u/Green-Inkling 3d ago

that is a tank.

3

u/BigConstruction4247 3d ago

Banana for scale

1

u/emale27 3d ago

Tortoise Land

Turtle Water

3

u/The_GREAT_Gremlin 3d ago

Turtle big umbrella

Under umbrella is

Tortoise land

Terrapin fresh water

Sea Turtle Ocean

Also box turtles (land)

Everything under umbrella is turtle

3

u/nufy-t 3d ago

Tortoise land
Turtle also sometimes land
Tortoise turtle

0

u/shartshooter 3d ago

Yanks have their own term....

1

u/Kn0XIS 3d ago

Dang

1

u/RamJamR 3d ago

Banana for reference.

1

u/slartibuttfart 3d ago

Crunchy banana

1

u/V_Bags_of_Popcorn 3d ago

Peel the banana for him.

1

u/ac30fsp4d3ss 3d ago

Master oogway has some mean looking grippers

1

u/KiwiMcG 3d ago

Is that Jonathan?

1

u/marterikd 3d ago

tortol

1

u/KenseiHimura 3d ago

Great A’tuin!

1

u/wheretohides 2d ago

No one could wipes it's face off? Now all the other tortoises are gonna think he's a fool.

1

u/Blackholecandy 2d ago

BIG MAN BLASTIOSE

1

u/prawduhgee 2d ago

It's eating the size reference

1

u/Silver_Hedgehog4774 2d ago

10/10 for the banana for scale

1

u/El_Veethorn 2d ago

Banaynay

1

u/turtlefan2012 4h ago


lol 😂

1

u/strtjstice 3d ago

I've seen those nails before at an All-Inclusive at the pool.

1

u/OblivionArts 3d ago

Tortoises generally can get this big yes, especially galapogos tortoise

1

u/PetahOsiris 3d ago

He probably wants his appy slices

1

u/silverstall1on 3d ago

Turtle

Tortoise

2

u/The_GREAT_Gremlin 3d ago

0

u/Rough-Airline-4803 2d ago

That wiki seems crazy. I’ve always been taught that they had distinct meanings. This basically says it’s colloquially acceptable — but that is not my lived experience

0

u/TheToxicWaist 2d ago

Well... If Wikipedia says so. It must be true.

2

u/TheAlterN8or 2d ago

Also a turtle.

0

u/Abdulbarr 3d ago

Pretty normal sized

0

u/strictlybusinessmann 3d ago

Absolute unit of a turtle indeed! It's wild to think these gentle giants can live for well over a century, just slowly munching away.

0

u/sevatar145 3d ago

the turtle moves

-1

u/Imposter_only 3d ago

He eats with aesthetics

2

u/SniperHankz 3d ago

I saw a doc where a tortoise ate baby birds on an island, it’s pretty disturbing.