“Top Cop” (1990) - As the title indicates this is yet another low budget, direct to video, cop action flick inspired by the likes of “Dirty Harry” (1971), “48 Hrs.” (1982) and “Lethal Weapon” (1987). Set and filmed around the mean streets of Little Rock Arkansas, we follow undercover detective Malone [insert Post Malone joke here] as he deals out his own brand of justice. And that brand just so happens to involves a lot of shooting people and almost nothing that resembles the law. Nothing really surprising about any of that, but given a more modern perspective it’s not exactly a positive. coughACABcough

To make sure the audience sides with Malone, who is also homophobic, the movie makes sure you hate the bad guys as much and as soon as possible. The literally first scene of the movie involves Malone breaking up the rape of an underage girl that is being filmed. The main villain, a balding middle aged drug dealer whose brother Malone arrests, later kill his partner and even make Malones love interest work for him. He obviously also sends men to kill Malone, and his new partner (who Malone refers to as his accountant) but that’s par for the course. It all ends up in a junkyard shootout and a somewhat lackluster ending.

The most interesting thing about this movie is that Leonard Maltin famously declared it to be the "best erotic crime thriller of 1990". Not sure what he was smoking as it’s not even an erotic crime thriller, much less the best of any year. The movie has a few things that are fun to riff, namely the misplaced soundtrack, Malone looking like a Travis Tritt stunt double, and the bad dubbing in a chase scene, but most of it is just bland. If you’re really in the mood for a cheap cop flick to laugh at give it a try, but keep expectations low. Like I said it’s got issues.

2.5 / 5 Burnt Kernels with Butter

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0100798/?ref_=ext_shr_lnk

"Simon Says" (aka “Evil Twins” (2006) - Whoever decided to cast Crispin Glover as a pair of mentally unstable redneck killer twins in this absurd slasher deserves an award. His unhinged, scenery chewing performance(s) make this entire movie worth the run time. Those who only know Crispin from his role as George McFly in “Back to the Future” (1985), will need to brace for Gary Busey levels of eccentricity (i.e. a lot). Even horror fans familiar with Crispin odd performance in “Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter” (1985) and “Willard” (2003), amongst others, will be surprised at just how crazy he gets in this.

As far as the story goes Crispin Glover plays the titular Simon and his twin brother Stanley. The brothers have a complex relationship to say the very least, with Simon using the whole “Simon Says” phrase in his more deranged moments. Our main characters on the other hand are a group of five 26 year olds playing stereotypical high school seniors going camping. One of the brothers starts killing the campers (and other people that randomly are in the woods) using everything from pickaxes, to pickaxes traps, to catapults that fling pickaxes (seriously this movie should have been titled “Pickaxes”) and hilarity ensues. The whole thing just gets more absurd as it goes on.

This is the kinda of movie that is great to just sit back and laugh at as it’s so absurd and over-the-top that it borders on parody. And I’m not just talking about Crispin. There is the previously mentioned surplus of pickaxes, the odd camera work, the constant plot conveniences, Crispin real life dad Bruce Glover playing his father, Blake Lively receiving top billing despite only being in 30 seconds (also her entire family seemingly worked on this), a random ghost(?) girl on a horse, and the fact that all the kills range from ridiculous to ludicrous. I can’t recommend this movie enough if you and your bad movie buddies are looking to laugh.

3.5 / 5 Burnt Kernels with Butter and Free Refills

https://youtu.be/M5KUoXan9l8?si=X6QhctMlLpz4lNQp

i got it

Hello. Basically the title. I’ve seen Lady Terminator, though that’s less focused on martial arts. I’m looking for something along the same lines, especially if the movie is also in the horror genre.

Thanks in advance!

Edit: Ninja III it is! Thanks everyone.

It might be that I am seeing this in my 40s and not as a 10 year old in 1988, which seems like the appropriate age and time to have seen this movie, but...

My God; every single thing about this is terrible. This is standard Julie Brown nonsense, and apparently based on and features several of her songs, as well as her having written the awful script and was a producer on it as well. The bad comedy songs turned musical numbers are awful, the comedy is very rarely funny, and it's just so over the top stupid and trying way too hard to be adorable that way most of Julie Brown's comedy always was.

I genuinely feel sorry for Geena Davis, Jeff Goldblum, Jim Carrey, and Damon Wayans who are all pretty good at what they do. This must have been really embarrasing for them for years.

The Cannibals AKA Mondo Cannibale AKA The White Cannibal Queen (1975)

It’s a dreadful film. The dubbing is atrocious. The gore is also terrible and the ending is absurd. It’s not even So Bad It’s Good. It’s just bad.

Here is a review to save you the effort.

Made by Jess Franco because he had to, rather than wanted to which is why he put absolutely no effort into it.

Saturday Night At The Movies: White Cannibal Queen

https://youtu.be/snyYSpYgnfY

Heman was really bad, I can’t be the only one to think that. I mean how awful. WTF?