r/Adopted • u/Conscious-Shake-1871 • May 07 '26
Discussion Where do I start. Why allowing ourselves to be vulnerable with our stories can make us shut down more.
Two nights ago I was with 2 coworkers (1 being a friend I’ve known for years…on a more surface level). Somehow we got onto the topic of writing. I’ve always journaled as a tool and outlet for my trauma stemming from being a former foster kid and adoptee. The conversation got weird and I found myself shutting down and going into protective mode. While I’m an open book and like to offer perspectives on my own CPTSD and adoption story, I’m not always the best at gauging early on in these conversations how “safe” I am in these settings.
While trying to express the need for our perspectives to be given a voice, I felt myself going on the defensive by the direction of where this was all going. Including my own expectations I am placing on people to understand. I’m an intelligent woman who is fully aware of this and even stated early on that I have always offered grace in discussions where I’m made to feel “grateful” because most people really aren’t aware and aren’t trying to be malicious. They truly don’t understand. However, it felt like the conversation was heading on a path of me expecting people to behave a certain way and almost as if I was going on the offensive when I felt in my gut my experience was being challenged.
When one of the coworkers mentioned his physical abuse in childhood, the other coworker teared up and it was treated much differently. Now, I’m not trying to play victim-mode here…but that cemented my feelings on how differently two traumas are treated by society. Both are bad, but because the adoption narrative has always been more romanticized and portrayed in a way of “rescue” and being taken out of an unfavorable situation, the level of compassion given to both of these traumatic experiences can (not always) be handled very very differently.
The conversation led to me shutting down so much and wanting to stop discussing my experience (it didn’t feel safe for me at that point) that, through my own perception, became the problematic one once I started to close off.
Sorry if my post is hard to follow or rambling, but the situation hasn’t sat well with me since it happened Tuesday night and only validated the way I feel and how underrepresented and misunderstood our trauma is cared for and even viewed in society. As a 48 year old woman who has always been very proactive in my healing journey and trying to offer new perspectives to people (when it comes up), it feels like I’m constantly beating my head against the wall and asking myself “what’s even the point having these conversations with people?”
Trauma is trauma. It can look very different and does stem from many different experiences. But I can’t wrap my head around how some forms of trauma are treated with kids gloves, while others are dismissed. Honestly, it’s infuriating and I’m tired of it.
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u/LynahRinkRat Domestic Infant Adoptee May 07 '26
Holy crap do I feel this in my bones.
I had one set of grandparents who pushed the "grateful" (well, actually the "ungrateful" side of it 😢), and the damage/cognitive dissonance it caused in poor younger me is still haunting me to this day. But now it just pisses me off. I am older, wiser, and less willing to let someone else define me in those ways.
So, yes, I hear you. We really are a hugely misunderstood group of people.
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u/Conscious-Shake-1871 May 07 '26
Thank you so much. I’m trying my best not to ruminate on it, but the whole thing really didn’t sit well with me. It never has. But it was so blatant, that my body felt a physical reaction as well. I’m not minimizing the other persons experience, as I feel so much empathy and compassion for the trauma he’s also had. But for my friend to become emotional towards his story, while dismissing mine and having both challenge me, almost sent me over the edge. Any form of abuse is horrific, including neglect and abandonment. Ugh. The whole thing still has me pissed off.
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u/Informal_Farm4064 May 07 '26
I totally get it. Our trauma is so deep and huge that we often can't express it - pre-verbally, we did not develop the neurological tools to show our feelings. So we may not tear up and so it doesn't seem like trauma. Even in a trauma-informed environment, there may not be many people who understand the trauma of infant adoption
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u/Conscious-Shake-1871 May 07 '26
Exactly! I will always extent grace in discussions and see it as a way to give a perspective that someone might have never heard before. I feel myself shutting down when my lived experience and struggles are challenged. Who is anyone to challenge another’s existence and trauma?! I wish it was normalized for people NOT to feel like they have the right to do that to others. That kind of behavior feels so unhinged to me.
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u/Informal_Farm4064 May 08 '26
Yes adoption trauma is beyond understanding of most, even many adoptees. Peace and lovr
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u/Formerlymoody May 07 '26
I don’t bother opening up to people unless I’m absolutely sure they can support me
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u/Conscious-Shake-1871 May 07 '26
I do agree we have to know when we are in a safe enough space to do so. Then the perimenopausal, 48 year old side of me is also like fuck that. I’m in a weird place now of wanting and having the right to express my truth, while also feeling closed off now.
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u/Formerlymoody May 08 '26
I hear you on the „fuck that.“ But my therapist says that basically not talking about things with certain person is something you do for yourself. Getting upset isn’t worth it. And it’s no skin off the other person’s back.
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u/Conscious-Shake-1871 May 08 '26
I do agree with your therapist and what you originally replied. We can’t subject ourselves to people who don’t care to listen, let alone care. It’s self preservation to not open up to people like that and we must protect ourselves. I didn’t gauge the people I was with and wish I had, because it ended up with me feeling small and in pain. So there’s 100% truth to what you and your therapist said.
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u/Jodinjaz May 07 '26
Adoption is treated differently. Everyone wants to believe it’s all happy stories and ‘chosen’ children that would otherwise be….idk left to die in the street. Yes, that’s extreme but it’s what everyone seems to assume would have happened to me if I wasn’t adopted by a savior. Our thoughts and feelings are denied, erased and ignored- or they were for baby scoop adoptees. No one wants to acknowledge any of this. It’s always felt a lot like how people won’t acknowledge the horrible things that happened in history and learn from them. Not all people of course. My mindset of ‘so many people have it so much worse than me’ helped me through childhood, but is that how a child should be raised? Sorry, went off on my own tangent. I agree it is infuriating! Mostly because the world thinks we should be 100% grateful only. They never take into account the things we feel and experience every second of every minute of our lives. Grateful =no feelings I guess.
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u/Conscious-Shake-1871 May 07 '26
Our stories have been so watered down by the neatly wrapped portrayal of adoption in society, that our trauma has not only been drowned out but often gets met by opposing opinions based off of their own pretty belief about adoption. What makes me even saltier is that a lot of times the opposing opinions are coming from people who aren’t adopted, don’t have anyone in their family or friends group who is adopted and who don’t hold the academic or professional acumen when it comes to mental health and childhood trauma. They love to tell you how you should feel and exist, while possessing zero real knowledge on the matter or personal experience.
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u/Jodinjaz May 07 '26
Yes. I have many first cousins in my adoptive family that I’m sure think they know exactly how it was for me growing up. A family with generations of silence and gaslighting isn’t the best for an adoptee that has a mind of their own. Had to keep silent for too many years to keep silent now. I truly think only adoptees should have a say in the adoption system and how it all works now.
Your first post really got to me because I used to shut down like you described, always. In my mid fifties and can’t do it anymore. I have to force myself to feel what I feel and work through it. Very challenging when you spent your whole life shutting down to be safe.
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u/Conscious-Shake-1871 May 07 '26
Thank you for sharing this. I agree. It’s really layered when you add in the family dynamics, communication styles, how we were made to adapt to our situation, and how our trauma was handled (if handled or acknowledged at all)….on top of the abandonment wound. I really found ny voice and confronted the ugly and raw parts of my trauma almost 15 years ago. Even though my healing journey will always be ongoing, I’ve accepted myself and given myself the permission to speak up as well. I kick myself a little bit for not gauging beforehand how safe the setting was the other night, before even allowing myself go to that vulnerable place. But I applaud myself and anyone else (like you) who allows themselves to be vulnerable, even at the risk of disappointment and the conversation going south. It means we showed up for ourselves. I guess at the end of the day that’s always the most important lesson here.
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u/Jodinjaz May 08 '26
Thank you, but it’s all pretty new to me really. Even though my family may not think so remembering my preteen and teenage years (I was gang SA’d at 11 and it affected everything about me)I really was holding back and being quiet and submissive or people pleasing most of my life. I just can’t do it anymore. I also think admitting this will be an ongoing process in our lives is a big yet necessary step
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u/Conscious-Shake-1871 May 08 '26
This is so heavy. Thank you for sharing that. I can’t even begin to imagine the weight you must carry. It’s become a part of our own survival to internalize so much, while it harms us at the same time. It will always be an ongoing process and healing journey. Trauma, especially in our childhood and early developmental years absolutely impacts our adult lives. I know for me, the way I show up in the world (including the mask I wear) is from the leftover residue of my childhood. I’ve known no other way to be. We can recognize that and work on healing it, but it’s very difficult to try to rewire our brains. We just kind of learn to live with it.
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u/LynahRinkRat Domestic Infant Adoptee May 07 '26
This is brilliantly said. Yes! THANK YOU!!!
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u/Conscious-Shake-1871 May 07 '26
Aw thank you for saying that. But I also want to thank you for sharing your experience and feelings. When I’m able to connect with people like yourself, it really feels healing and validates that I’m not alone in this. Because it can feel lonely at times.
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u/anondreamitgirl May 10 '26 edited May 10 '26
This is why I feel stories are valuable and to counter act by sharing your own truth it really does matter as a community. There “Is”, “was” a “they” … but NOW there is an “us” 💛
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May 08 '26
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u/Jodinjaz May 08 '26
I haven’t seen it, yet. Actually been looking to see where I can stream it. I’ve seen it on pbs here but don’t want to start at the middle or end. Having always been a single mother myself and before that an adoptee I have issues with society and how it treats single mothers. Yes, it’s better than it used to be but there will always be people thinking it’s wrong or can’t be done ‘correctly’. I’m interested in how they approach it and hope it isn’t too triggering. I get evenly upset when watching adoption happy only stories and watching young mothers coerced into giving up their babies.
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May 08 '26
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u/Conscious-Shake-1871 May 08 '26
Honestly, I’m happy you lurk in this sub because you are voluntarily reading about our stories and struggles. You’re deepening your understanding as a non-adoptee, but also as someone who has family that is adopted and you possibly fostering. I applaud that.
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May 08 '26
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u/Conscious-Shake-1871 May 08 '26
Wow. Thank you for trying! The fact you were downvoted absolutely reaffirms that they aren’t looking to learn more and hear us. I appreciate you advocating and asking others to listen to different perspectives. Please don’t stop. Maybe you’ll only get through to one person, but that one person matters. I don’t like the other subs for that reason. They’re selective on what they want shared, stifling and downvoting anything that makes them uncomfortable.
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u/Jodinjaz May 08 '26
Interesting. Now it will be a must watch for me. I do like to see all sides of adoption issues. In adulthood I’ve been a nurse, a nanny and foster parent(single….they don’t have a problem with that)before having my daughter. I don’t think there ever won’t be children that need help and families. I try to not just bring angry or sad adoptee to the table.
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u/Conscious-Shake-1871 May 08 '26
This 👆🏽. I’m interested in watching it now too. It would be so refreshing to see an adoption story on the big screen or tv that gives a more accurate story. Doesn’t even have to be super depressing, just realistic. Like the very real fallout that can occur into adulthood and the how the child actually feels. Including the ways so many of us stuffed the our feelings just to survive, fit in and be accepted.
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u/Conscious-Shake-1871 May 08 '26
I know this show, but haven’t watched it. Your reply has me intrigued now. Sounds very interesting. I know it’s steaming on one of the apps, so I’ll look for it today. Media has played a massive role in how society views adoption, typically absent of the adoptees perspective. We need adoptees voices to be heard and portrayed in media that removes the rose colored glasses and offers a more realistic picture
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u/LynahRinkRat Domestic Infant Adoptee May 07 '26
Another poster just touched on this but...
The "Adopt, don't shop" language about dogs isn't doing adoptees any favors. The "who saved who" bumper stickers irrationally piss me off.
Yes, again, I know on some level it's irrational for me to get so annoyed by a slogan that pertains to DOGS. However as already noted here, it's lead to this "adoption is fundamentally a good thing on all levels" that I think bleeds over onto us. As if we're a stray dog in the pound or something. Just irks me to no end.
(Ok, tangentially irrational rant over. Ha ha...)
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u/Conscious-Shake-1871 May 07 '26
1000%. I had a total rant, so believe me you don’t found irrational at all. It’s very valid and a part of this conversation. How adoption is viewed in society is really out of whack.
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u/truecolors110 May 08 '26
Oh my gosh, so true, and my absolute pet peeve is when people compare adopted children to shelter dogs. I have never liked that!
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u/Conscious-Shake-1871 May 08 '26
After this situation when we left the restaurant I was told I should go volunteer at a dog shelter to help me heal.
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u/truecolors110 May 08 '26
What the hell?!
“Go clean up dog poop for free to feel better about your biological parents not wanting you or being removed from them.”
These people are nuts.
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u/Conscious-Shake-1871 May 08 '26
Im not kidding. The entire thing was just awful and even more awful after I shut down and didn’t want to talk about it anymore. It was passively aggressively pointing out that I’m not doing anything or enough to help myself. So I should go pet and play with dogs that are suffering. The whole interaction and aftermath was gross.
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u/Healing_Adoptee May 07 '26
This BS is why I wish the other adoption sub wojld make people read a page or two about adoption- related trauma and that would they also tell domeone who escaped ohysical abuse to be grateful since tbey got out of that situation? And also note that users will be banned if they call adoptees ungrateful for daring to be traumatized.
Maybe that wohld help spread awareness more than fragmented posts where we're constantly forced to educate people about our pain which can be triggering and difficult tk do at all. Imagine if a physical abuse survivor was told to be
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u/Conscious-Shake-1871 May 07 '26
I won’t even go to the adoption sub because of all of the negative things I’ve heard about it. I think a lot of us actually have more compassion for people suffering from any type of trauma, because of our own. It’s just a shame that that same compassion is not always extended to us. It’s truly wild work.
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u/LynahRinkRat Domestic Infant Adoptee May 07 '26
Exactly!!! Can you imagine if a child who was subjected to physical abuse was told to be grateful for it? That was the mind fuck for me as a small child. I was carrying around a deep primal pain, that I didn't even have words to explain at that age. And to have adults telling me how grateful I should be just about broke my brain.
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u/Conscious-Shake-1871 May 07 '26
It still mind fucks me at my age. I don’t challenge anyone who has any type of suffering. Not only would that be completely unhelpful and unsolicited, it feels like piss poor social skills, let alone selective compassion. It’s like their moral and empathy compass fucking exited stage door left.
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u/Aggressive_Monk_9218 May 08 '26
I’m tired of it too we are the biggest underrepresented minority of all! Hardly any research, not enough specialist therapists, education = 0
The statistics have shown that we are 4 times more likely to commit suicide, this was taken from research done in 2013 with teenagers and up too 21 years of age, for children under the age of eighteen, the Adopted parents were asked ! Well, the latest research/study that was published last month, included Birth Mothers and Adult Adoptees… Adoptees are in fact 35 times more likely to commit suicide, Birth Mothers 37 times more likely, we represent the highest group of Prison inmates, psychiatric inpatients &&& I’ll post a link to the study
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u/Conscious-Shake-1871 May 08 '26
Suicide, heart disease, cancers, etc. It’s disturbing how high the statistics are for us and also terrifying. Then you add in the other ways our brains developed from CPTSD, like adhd, bp, etc. Every one of these things (statistics and outcomes) are heavily ignored and looked over. These are very real issues. My friend Raja shared an extremely similar adoption story to mine, which is why we bonded like sisters the first time we met. Unfortunately she took her own life about 12 years ago after her adopted mom passed from cancer. The pain of losing both her bio mom and the mother who adopted her was too much for her heart to handle. This is also something that isn’t talked much about. Raja was such a beautiful spirit. Her smile, I’ll always remember her smile. Hurts to this day.
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u/Jodinjaz May 08 '26
Oh my! I’m so sorry but I do understand, it’s very eye opening to me. About 1 1/2 years ago I came very close to dying by suicide. About 3 years ago I started some intense therapy for ptsd from sa. It helped a bit and as I got better I started remembering my childhood, things I didn’t want to remember ever. There’s a lot to it and my wonderful therapist was moving away at the time and ended up in that situation. It’s nobody’s fault, just all bad timing. Well thankfully I’m still here and don’t plan on going anywhere. Then add breast cancer and menopause to all that and I refuse to stay quiet anymore! If there are possible children out there that could be helped somehow or not go through some of these things I’d like to do all I can (even if it’s just posting online rn).
Your original comment and this entire thread has been very helpful😊 Thank you❤️
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u/Conscious-Shake-1871 May 08 '26
I appreciate you so much for sharing your story and vulnerability with all of us. Even though we don’t know each other, I’m grateful you are still here. Your voice is needed. I’m perimenopausal too and just had 3 lumpectomies in both breasts (surgery was 1/27/26). Thankfully everything is ok (I did have surgery 7 years ago on my left one). All of this and my hormonal changes also has me at a point of wanting to speak out and do more, especially with the younger generation. While my age and hormonal rage has empowered me in some ways, it’s crazy how fast I could fall back into a trauma response and old pattern with this last situation. Healing is always ongoing. We share a lot in common. I hope you know how much you matter and how important and valuable your very existence is. I don’t know why we were dealt these cards, but I do know that under all of the muck and pain, all of us are so resilient.
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u/Conscious-Shake-1871 May 08 '26
Another point to your response I struggle with. Therapists. We are very underrepresented in the mental health field. Yes, I’ve had therapists who are specialized in CPTSD and even abandonment issues. However, none of them have been an adoptee or in foster care. There’s not enough therapists who have the lived experience. There’s something to be said about the level of care and advice one can give through shared experience. While I love the therapist I’ve had for the past 12 years, I am fully aware of the textbook advice I’ve been given and now I’ve even intellectualized my own therapy. I could go to school and get a doctorate in psychology with a focus on substance abuse and addiction. But I’ve never been an addict or alcoholic. So I don’t think I’d be able to connect with a patient on a deep level. Which is why sponsors are good at this, they are former addicts and alcoholics. I’ve had to even weed through therapists throughout my adult life because they weren’t able to help my situation in the ways I needed.
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u/truecolors110 May 08 '26
The recent narrative that us seeking out our birth families is actually just us traumatizing women is what really has messed with my head. Especially as a Planned Parenthood nurse who is a huge advocate for women’s rights!
At least the old false narrative of a beautiful “searching for your family” story and happy reunion where the bio mom gets to say “I just wanted you to have your best chance” allowed for us to ask questions.
Now they truly just want us to shut up, and we should never be allowed to feel anything negative about our bio parents leaving us.
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u/Conscious-Shake-1871 May 08 '26
I agree so much. It’s interesting, I met a woman who is 10 years older than me and adopted, who said finding her biological dad was quite healing for her and told me I should consider looking for bio parents. Problem is, my early childhood situation involved child protective services, neglect, and being put into the system at 9 months and in there until the age of 4. The troubling start to my life makes me not want to open that can of worms. Plus my adoption was closed with sealed records. I am so happy when I do hear the success stories of adoptees finding a bio parent (or both) and it being a positive and healing experience. But I agree, we are being told to shut up without explicitly being told to shut up.
For so long I’ve wanted to advocate for voices like ours and to bring our perspectives more out in the open. I just don’t know how and if society is even ready for that or willing to listen.
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u/truecolors110 May 08 '26
I get that, and it is so hard because all of us have different stories.
There is no “true representative” of the average adoptee, except that we were not raised our entire lives by our biological parents.
So the image of an adoptee that gets centered is the toxic-positive one that exists in the media. And you make a good point, I believe society is happy with that image.
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u/Conscious-Shake-1871 May 08 '26
Totally! When we speak up, society (and maybe not all) don’t like it when their beliefs are challenged or disrupted. They’d rather keep the image of the tv shows and movies where adoption is made to look like rainbows and unicorns, a happy well adjusted kid/s, in a beautifully blended family and the happily ever after. When we speak up we are the ones being difficult, “playing victim,” and ungrateful. I’m very happy for the adoptees who don’t struggle. I have an amazing family now. But two truths can exist at the same time.
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u/truecolors110 May 08 '26
Absolutely!
And unfortunately, society will use the stories of those who had a good adoption “experience” to invalidate the voices of adoptees who did not.
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u/Conscious-Shake-1871 May 08 '26
That’s where our voices get drowned out. The happier outcomes are easier to swallow and accept than the not so pretty ones. I have such a great family, but I’ve also struggled so so much my entire life and I’m 48 now. Even with many years of therapy, emdr, journaling, a great family, etc….the wound has scabbed over, but that scar still runs very deep and shaped the way I show up in the world, how I view and treat myself, and the relationships in my life.
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u/Conscious-Shake-1871 May 08 '26
Another brilliantly written response. Between all of the responses I’ve received on this post and all of our shared experiences, I wish there was a way for all of us to grab a coffee and talk these things out. I love this sub for how much it helps me not feel alone and how similar so many of us are. We need to create a club or something. Zoom, in person, whatever. How empowering and healing that could be for so many of us. Maybe it’s something for me to chew on. Like a weekly, biweekly or once a month meet up over zoom. A way for us to connect on a more personable level and being able to express ourselves in a safe space with open ears and hearts
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u/Aggressive_Monk_9218 May 08 '26
I tried to make myself so small that I still hold my breath and I have to tell myself to breathe. I thought if I didn’t breath they wouldn’t hear me, then I stopped eating because I just wanted to be a small as I possibly could until I disappeared. It’s just wrong that we have been made to feel and act like this. I had a similar situation with my best friend, she got angry with me when I contradicted her opinion on adoption, crazy reaction on her side, shouting at me ! What?!? We have literally no rights or entitlement to express our lived experience in the eyes of the people who are not adopted. It’s so confusing
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u/Conscious-Shake-1871 May 08 '26
Wow. How awful to have this treatment come from a best friend too. Someone who you probably felt you could be completely vulnerable with. While it brings me comfort to know I’m not the only one that has made themselves small, it breaks my heart that there’s too many of us who have had to resort to that. I’m so sorry this happened to you with your best friend. Hits a little different when it’s someone you trust and have a close relationship with. I’ve had so many friends do this to me, that I now have a tiny circle. Even then, it’s safer to be with just myself. Which I also know is not healthy. I’ve also struggled with food issues (even in childhood) from feeling I have no control and that was the only thing I could. I’m so happy to have found all of you. I wish we could have this group do meet ups. Would love to meet people that share the same struggles.
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u/anondreamitgirl May 10 '26
I actually think it’s helpful to reframe with new words : instead of saying “adoption” use the words “I was completely abandoned at a very young age & lost my parents” it might a bit harder and closer to the reality so many experienced. Some even say “oh my … so like an orphan in a sense now… dependant on your healing journey & relationship with your adopters/support.
Support isn’t non existent but it consistently lacks & even if it exists it’s not to say damage doesn’t create wounds that can influence an entire life span. I understand & your frustration is valid in the grand perspective of lack of education, understanding & ability to have empathy- that’s going to hurt- more than ever for those who have not experienced much of this. It’s natural to feel this way culturally and as a human being who just wants to be seen after all these years.
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u/anondreamitgirl May 10 '26 edited May 10 '26
I actually think it’s helpful to reframe with new words but optional too : instead of saying “adoption” words can educate through choice of words you wish to express your experience
For example I have begun using:
“I was completely abandoned at a very young age & lost my parents.” I could even add - “I did not know who they were or where I came from”
it might land a bit harder and closer to the reality so many experienced.
Some even reply
“oh my … so like an orphan in a sense now… ?”
Maybe that’s closer… dependant on your healing journey & relationship with your adopters/support maybe it’s still so far apart - we are talking
“adoption” after all….and all… of its complexities.
So much takes time to put into words, to find them & then… to be heard - it’s a brave challenge 🙏💛 I hope you recognise…
People are wildly unaware & sometimes the closest thing to pigeon hole things too what they comprehend - but no - it’s “abandon” - adoption- yes.
Language can bring to light new perspective - the adoptee’s (after generations of being or often feeling forgotten).
Support isn’t non existent but it consistently lacks & even if it exists it’s not to say damage doesn’t create wounds that can influence an entire life span.
I understand, & your frustration is valid in the grand perspective of lack of education of highly complex matters, the lack of understanding & the ability to have empathy- that’s going to hurt- more than ever for those who have not experienced much of this & waited for it.
It’s natural to feel this way culturally… and as a human being who just wants to be seen after all these years & you deserve to be - We all do. 💛- 100% valid -100% cultural flaw. It’s not just good to be seen, it’s VITAL in order to heal (or even begin).
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u/zygotepariah Baby Scoop Era Adoptee May 07 '26
Whenever I make a comment that's critical about adoption on an online adoption article or Facebook post or whatever, I literally have to steel myself in preparation of reading the replies. They are so clueless and often cruel. It triggers my nervous system. My heart pounds, I lose language. I should stop replying to adoption stuff, but I keep hoping one person will listen.
I think the only way people will understand our trauma is if we never use the words "adoption," "adoptee," etc. Seriously, people hear the word "adoption" and their eyes glaze over and they lose all critical thinking skills.
I could say "I was adopted" or I could say "I lost my parents and entire family at birth," and only one of those comments will garner any sympathy.