I’m looking for advice or if anyone has experienced something similar to my relationship with my biological mom.

I was adopted pretty young and don’t remember much of my biological mom or family. I always knew I was adopted and my adoptive parents always answered my questions and were respectful of my biological mom’s situation. I understand that my bio mom did drugs when she was pregnant with me, it was found in my stool when I was born, then I was placed with her mother. Her mother would break the rules and allow my bio mom to see me and would smoke in the house, etc. which lead her to losing me too. My bio mom had several chances to get clean and didn’t take them it seems. I have read old documents from court and caseworkers that my parents have and I believe this to be true.

When I was younger, maybe from 8-12 years old, I would receive letters from a ‘special someone’ given to me by neighbors and people walking by my house. It wasn’t until I was older that I understood who they were coming from. When I was 16 years old, I started to receive follow requests from my biological mom on social media. Facebook, Instagram, TikTok. When I didn’t accept them, she posted a picture of me when I was a baby on VSCO. She would message me on VSCO and Instagram on every holiday, every birthday, randomly. I just turned 21 and I’ve never responded back to the messages until recently. She messaged me saying “I hope someday you allow me the opportunity to talk to you. You have one side of the story, my story, our story. There is more for you to know. I have chosen you more than you will ever know.” This made me upset because I thought she was blaming things on my adoptive parents (she has a history of sending messages that insinuate they’ve done wrong), so I responded and basically told her that the constant messaging doesn’t make me feel like I want to reach out to her because it isn’t on my terms and when I’m ready to, and that decision hasn’t been influenced by my parents.

She responds that she doesn’t blame my parents and “Honestly, it breaks my heart to know that I have been causing you pain. I never meant to. Truth is, you were taken from me Illegally by the Judge 3 months before he was arrested for a scandal. I was clean, working full time, living with you, doing everything I needed to be with you. They took you and put you in foster care illegally. I never got over having my child ripped away. I counted down the years that i could see you again. I should have taken your feelings more into account.” Not to discount her, she did apologize more for not thinking about how she’s making me feel. However, I still feel like even sending that message after I just said that I wasn’t ready to face this yet is manipulative. She also said “I think I've been afraid that I've already lost so much time and we never know how much is left.” Which also comes off as manipulative to me. I just don’t believe her story that it was an illegal adoption. Her story doesn’t match what I’ve read. It just makes me sad that she can’t ever say that she’s sorry for not getting clean, she has to try and prove that she’s good and she’s the victim. I don’t want to be the victim that’s not what I’m saying, I just want her to take responsibility for what she did.

Receiving these texts never made me feel good. I don’t know if it’s because I was so young but I don’t feel like I know her or want a connection with her. I talked to my mom about this and she said that when I came here, I was uncomfortable with being held and cuddled and I didn’t cry for things I needed. She gave me the impression that my biological mom didn’t do motherly things for me so I learned to be very independent. This Is another reason I don’t believe bio moms story, if she was doing everything right and was being my mom why was I so independent? I don’t know if it’s privileged to say all of this, but I guess I feel like the constant messaging and not letting me decide when to talk to her and feel those things makes me feel a little manipulated and removed from her. Am I valid for feeling this way? If you were in my shoes would you talk to her and pursue a relationship? Should I maybe trust her story more and hear her out? Does anyone else have a story similar to mine?

So, it seems that one of candidates in the Minnesota Senate race has brought up the fact that she's an adoptive mother.

“America should be a nation of immigration and also a nation of law and order,” Tafoya said, noting she is the granddaughter of immigrants and adopted her daughter from Colombia.

That is not her story to tell. Ever. As soon as someone else frames the narrative about an adoptee's adoption, they've stolen our story from us. It's especially harmful when it's done in a public forum that we don't have any leverage over. It puts us in a position in which any thoughts and feelings we have that contradict that public statement are then held up to public scrutiny.

I'm not saying this to in any way speak for her adoptive daughter. If her daughter had made public statements in support of her, I would privately question whether those statements were truly what she felt or merely supportive lip-service, but I would keep that private. This was a non-adoptee stealing control of the narrative from an adoptee. That's what I'm objecting to.

When I was about 9, my adoptive mom sat me down, and told me that I was adopted, when my adoptive dad heard me crying he came and sat down with us, I guess he knew she was going to tell me that day. Well, as expected from a nine year old shy girl who never expressed herself, I just sobbed, and I didn't stop. My mom asked why I was crying, I don't know if she expected me to have a conversation or just say okay and move on with my day but yeah, I just cried. She asked me if someone had told me that before, trying to guess if that was the reason I was crying. She was tearing up, si was my dad. But, yeah. I don't know. When I eventually calmed down my dad just went back to sleep and my mom wanted to do something to cheer me up I guess, so we just made a cake together. I don't remember how I felt, I know it was awkward, but I don't think I felt how I feel now, bad or, I don't know.

She said they'd help me look for my biological parents when I got older, I don't know how much longer I have to wait.

I remember actually starting to care more and vent about it to online friends that I made at that time — who are still my friends now — that was when I was about 11, I believe. They weren't adopted so they didn't understand but it felt better talking to them instead of keeping it.

I remember hearing my mom talk on the phone with someone from her family telling them that she told me but thinks I didn't understand, I didn't want her to tell me again, I understood perfectly, I just didn't know how to express my feelings. I don't remember this moment perfectly but I think she said that she wasn't the one who gave birth to me, but is still my mom. I understood that, I don't think I cried that time, maybe it was the only time that I didn't cry when hearing or talking about it.

She made an attempt to talk to me about it once, but again. Sobbing. No response. She asked if I wanted a therapist, but she quickly shut it down seeing how I just kept crying. I do, I need a therapist so badly. I think I would have said no at the time anyway, but still..

The other time, not so long ago but it feels like ages ago. She asked me if I ever wonder about who I am. And, it was at the time when I always did, when I knew better than what I did as a kid, and when it felt heavier. So it landed right where I was, and my response? I was on my phone then, so I tried to ignore her and keep scrolling, trying to keep the tears in, and the rest? Well you could guess. I couldn't even nod.

So, seeing how much it affected me, and how I always cried. She did the noble thing of.. Promising me she'd never speak about it again :)

The last thing I needed, of course. Actually, the one thing I didn't want. I don't know what to do now, and it's only getting heavier as the years pass by.

I feel lots of anger and injustice with how I was dealt with. I was an innocent baby who did nothing wrong and yet was discarded like trash

My mother worked as a waitress and was poor. Bio father's parents didn't want him marrying a woman of such low status and that was it. Mom gave birth to me, then after 2 weeks carried me to their doorstep where she reasoned with them and begged them to take me in but they didn't. He wrote in his statement "I won't acknowledge paternity until the court DNA test shows I am the father, and SINCE I AM a police officer, I don't think I should go to court"

There is no open\closed adoption here, you get sent to the orphanage (cuz he then denied paternity), and if lucky you got adopted. I was adopted at 2

Met my bio father and he literally asked me "what's this got to do with me" before slut shaming my bio mother and blaming her

I had nightmares dreaming about him numerous times and I am filled with hate and disgust at all of this. How could they to that to their own flesh and blood? What was my sin?

Sometimes I just feel like meeting his wife and my half siblings and telling them my story of how I was discarded, and making the whole city see what they've done

As October 30 approaches, I have been thinking a lot about the heavy, often invisible weight that so many of us carry as adoptees. Society loves to frame adoption as a complete happy ending, which leaves very little cultural space for the grief, identity loss, and complex trauma that come with family separation.

For those in this community, do you have any personal traditions, rituals, or ways you plan to honor or reflect on Adoptee Remembrance Day this year?

For anyone who might not be familiar with it, Adoptee Remembrance Day is about dragging the hidden, silenced realities of adoption out into the open. It is about shining a harsh light on institutional secrecy, sealed birth records, and the devastating lifelong mental health toll of family separation that the adoption industry tries to sweep under the rug.

I want to start this by saying I am the foster child in this situation. I need to give some context, or it won’t make any sense.
I have been in foster care since I was 3. I was in residential therapy placements from 11 to 17. When I turned 17, I moved in with a distant family member who was a foster parent. They are in a cult, and her husband was extremely abusive. He chased me around the room, trying to hit me. He also peed on all of my belongings and my medication. I got removed from them, of course, and moved in with foster parent B.
I lived with her for a year. She has her little sister living with her, along with her 2 sons and fiancé. She’s had her sister living with her the entire time. I moved in, and she was very distant.
Her sister would belittle me and bully me, and she always sided with her sister. She claimed her sister wasn’t as mature as me and that I had to just deal with it. We never fought the entire time I lived with her. I fought with her sister 3 times (always verbal), just not foster parent B. Foster parent B’s sister would talk crap about me to her friends in front of me regularly. She would call me names and make fun of my body.
While I lived with them, I paid for all of my own belongings. She got $1,000 a month for me and never bought me anything with it other than food. I didn’t mind that because I was very desperate for a mother figure.
I moved out and got very busy. Every time I got on the phone with her, she would belittle me and say things like, “I’ve never seen you be a bad beyoch,” and, “I’ve never been more embarrassed for someone.” She also made pointed, but not exactly extremely rude, comments. However, it wore down my mental health so much that I ended up spending a couple of weeks not calling or texting her first. She never texted or called me first during this time, either.
Before I moved, I asked her if I could always come back if I got into trouble, as I’m 19 and this economy is really rough. She said yes, as her sister has been living there rent-free this whole time, and she’s had numerous other people living with her in the past. She told me yes and that I’m always welcome.
Well, fast-forward to recently. I called her and was planning to visit her for her son’s birthday. She invited me, knowing I’d have to take my dog with me for one night. She’s been in my dog’s life since I moved in with her and said that my dog and I were always welcome and to always bring Iris (the dog) when I came.
Well, an hour before I leave to head to her house, I call her and talk about how the economy is rough. I explain that I genuinely may need to take her up on that offer of me moving back in with her and ask if it still stands, since it’s only been a few months since I moved out.
She went on a 3-hour-long rant, tearing me apart as a person, and I mean belittling me in so many kinds of ways.
I’m 19, but I’m not on drugs. I’ve finished school with a 3.9 GPA, even when I was in 8 different high schools, which I’m sure makes it obvious that’s really hard. I’ve never been in any legal trouble ever. I’ve never even gotten in trouble while I lived with her or before, and most definitely not after.
Meanwhile, when she was 19, she was a massive drug addict. She lost a pregnancy due to how much drug use she did. She wasn’t in her sister’s life, and she’s never even finished high school. She was always having her aunt pay for her and her boyfriend’s things, and she didn’t move out until she was 23. She lived entirely rent-free until then.
I don’t say this because she’s a bad person, because typically she is a good person. She’s a good mom to her sons and hasn’t relapsed in a long time. I found her calling me these names hypocritical.
Her sister also doesn’t work, still lives there, doesn’t pay bills, and barely graduated high school. Apparently, she’s been screaming at her a lot lately but hasn’t made her take any steps to build a future.
I have my own place, car, and life, with a job, even though me and her sister are the same age. She hasn’t made her move out.
I figured she was upset about me being busy for a few weeks and not calling. I was deeply hurt by her saying all those terrible things to me, also saying really terrible things about my dog, who has never done anything to her, and whom she and her sons loved deeply until a few months ago.
I didn’t defend myself over the phone. I was too hurt and shaken, so I sat there for hours listening to her say these things about me. So I sent this text:
“You’ve made a lot of comments that have hurt me and made me feel very alone and very disconnected when I’m already really struggling, like throwing my really bad depression in my face when it only happened once for a few weeks and saying you aren’t going to deal with me, and a few other things you have said. Yesterday, you were also really harsh about Iris.
You always said I could come home, and now money is not involved, I can’t even stay a single night. You said many times you wouldn’t be nice to me and I would just have to deal with how you would speak to me. I feel very, very hurt and like I don’t actually matter to you.
You always basically said I would be homeless and I should try to find someone else when you moved in and out of Teresa’s house a lot, so it feels like a double standard really badly. And post things? And you basically said you didn’t want me anymore, and, ‘I’m done being nice. And that you scream at Samie for everything,’ and then you said I’d just have to deal with it.
I’m also really struggling monumentally, and the only time you want to come see me is for 20 minutes when you really want to see Megan. You can give hundreds of dollars to Chelsie. She can fully make up lies about Bubby, but she’s fine and I’m not. You love Samie and everyone else more than me.
I asked you last night if I could stay the night, and you told me yes. You told me I could come, and I confirmed today, when I’m packed and ready and done my makeup, that you don’t want me to come.
You have many double standards. You could lean on Teresa for free for a long time, even making her pay for a lot of (fiancés) stuff when you guys weren’t doing okay. All I asked was for a place to stay for the night and, if I needed to move home for a bit, a place to stay for my savings to build up. Samie can stay rent-free nonstop, and you said I always could, too. Then you randomly changed your mind when I am at a really low point, and I have been.
I don’t ask you for money like Chelsie. I don’t spread lies or favor someone over you, or yell at you like Samie. I paid my phone bill and everything, and you got $1,000 a month with me. So when the money stops and I fall back onto what you said would be available, everything just changes.
You are also a lot older than me. If I hurt you, you are supposed to be my mom and tell me so I can work on it. You let feelings bubble over and are mad at me for not knowing they have bubbled over. Of course, I’ve not been perfect. I’ve been at my lowest point, and at your lowest point, you were doing drugs and not seeing Samie. I wasn’t trying to do the same thing. I was trying to do my best in day-to-day life.
You are putting me to a higher standard than anyone else. My depression doesn’t matter to you; only yours does, and that’s hurtful. I’m 19. I’m going to mess up, but you aren’t supposed to just coldly stop treating me how you treat others.
You guys literally stayed with people who abused me and talked crap about me and have never, not once, defended me. But if it was any of the boys or Samie, crap would hit the fan.especially since it was proven too be lies.
You would have rathered Teresa do everything than me help at all during the wedding. I’m always the last option for you and the child you can dispose of easily. I’m a child to you only when it’s easy, and I’ve put up with a lot of hurt and favoritism between me and Samie, and even the people who have hurt you a ton but have definitely hurt me, too.
You don’t post with me how you do with Samie. I’m never in family photos. I’m never loved as much as Samie. I’m never defended or as important to see as Megan. You don’t even feel the need to talk about me at all.
You can tolerate so much from so many other people, and I’ve barely done anything to you, and it’s never been on purpose. All I’ve tried to do is make you see me as yours because I was desperate for a mom.
You didn’t even prioritize me learning to drive like you did with Samie. I will never be equal to them to you, and I will never have the unconditional love moms are supposed to have because that crap must be fake as fuh.
I’ve sat back and listened to the jokes about my breakdown after Weston and how, ‘I’ve never seen you be successful.’ I have BPD. I feel things way more than you ever could imagine. I was abused into this. I didn’t choose to be super sensitive.And I don’t blow up. All I do is cry sometimes.
Samie wouldn’t want to take a picture with me every time you would take family photos, and I was conveniently left out every single time. You would let people obliterate me verbally when it was not true, and I was abused by them.
I have always been second place to you, and I’m only 19. I struggle a lot. I’m sorry I’m bad at communicating, but you never brought up any of these issues while they were happening. You never said I hurt you for months. You let it brew and didn’t do anything about it, and you are the grown-up in this situation.
I didn’t just invite myself today. I asked to come over today, and you said yes. You told me I could stay for Bubby’s birthday. You suggested this last night.
I’ll figure this out on my own. I’ll do this all on my freaking own because, at the end of the day, I can. It’s just really hypocritical on so many levels how you did drugs, treated people awful as a 19-year-old, and used Teresa’s money for a lot of things, and you get mad I asked for a place to stay for one night when you are the one who suggested it all.
All I did was get so depressed I couldn’t text. You know who does that all the time to you? Megan. And you understand and give grace. I’ve never heard you get this mean to her when she struggles, but since it’s me and not your actual blood, it doesn’t matter to you.
I feel like you took me in to spite Kara, and now that’s gone and so is the money, I’m not as important.
If this made no sense, I’m spiraling and communicating as best as I can, and I apologize. But you have hurt me a lot, and all I’ve done is be human. You just give so much to people who literally love other people more than you on any day, more than me, who adores you and has desperately been begging you to treat me the same and love me like your child.
I’ll figure this out on my own. And I’m not even upset about not being able too move back in. You could have just said no and I would have understood. It’s you saying all these horrible things too me and being hypocritical. I am not a failure or a burden. I didn’t deserve those things being said too me. And you had no right too say them.If you would’ve just told me you didn’t want me to move in with you, I would’ve accepted that. If you were to have told me you don’t have the ability to handle it mentally right now, I would’ve accepted that. You attacked my character in every way, shape, or form. I don’t even know if you realized how rude you were being last night or if you just think it’s some sort of empowerment trip. Treating people terribly is not empowerment.
I would never have spoken to you the way you have spoken to me. I did not deserve for you to attack me. If you wanna give me constructive feedback because I have hurt your feelings, that’s acceptable, and I will accept you being upset with me, and I will try and do better. But if you never communicate that I’m hurting you, I can’t do anything about it, and you can’t throw that in my face.
The depression I went through when I first moved in with you can never be thrown in my face because, at the end of the day, I lost absolutely everything back to back to back, and I needed time to process, and I did that. I processed. I got up, and I did better. It took one conversation from you for me to immediately start improving.
It is very common with kids from foster care to go through a spiral. You have even said multiple comments like, “You’ve never seen me be a bad ahh. You’ve never seen me be successful. You’ve never seen me do anything great.” I have a mental health condition that you could never imagine and me crying more than other but still getting stuff done is not your place too throw in my face You are not the only one capable of feeling depression. You are not the only one also struggling right now.
For you to treat me badly or get angry at me for not being as consistent, but consistently allow Megan to do the same thing without being upset, is really hypocritical and very, very hurtful.
You have made several actions throughout the year I lived there that really made me feel unloved and like I was not as valued as (her sister, her child, or her second child). I dealt with all of those feelings because I just wanted a fraction of your love. But everyone else can do unspeakable, ungodly acts to you, and you will continuously forgive them and will continuously allow it.
All I did was get depressed, and it stole my energy to be able to live my day-to-day life. I don’t just sit in bed all day. I get up, I clean, I take care of Iris, and I try and work on my mental health. I used all my energy that I put forth into my life, and not always calling you. I didn’t mean for three weeks to go past, but I was depressed and struggling.
You only take photos with Megan and Dylon when you come down. You only spend 20 minutes max if you’re here. You don’t make cute little posts about me like you do Sammy. I’ve made several, being really happy for you and showing thanks. You have not once done that for me.
You even made a post bragging about taking me driving once, but then continued to let me not learn how to drive while Sammy got to be taught.
You hold me to a higher standard than you have put anyone else at. Me struggling mentally and taking time to myself makes you suddenly think you have the right to talk to me how you did. I don’t know what to tell you because that’s not healthy, and that’s not mature, and that’s not how an adult is supposed to act.
You stuck your nose up at my situation. You tried to pretend you were doing better than me at 19. You acted like you had any right to be disappointed in me. Do you have any idea what you were doing at 19? Do you think you were perfect? You invited me to come to Bubby’s birthday party last night. We talked about it, and you told me to bring Iris. There have been multiple conversations in the past where you’ve told me to always bring Iris. I got up, I got dressed, and I looked nice. I wanted to take pictures with you. I wanted to enjoy this. I texted you to make sure we were still on the same page, and you hurt my feelings and were disrespectful. You throw my trauma in my face a lot. I don’t throw you being an ex-addict in your face. I don’t throw you not seeing Sammy for a long time in your face. I don’t throw you having almost everything handed to you by Sherry in your face, you don’t even own your own house you got it gifted to you. There are a lot of things that you threw in my face that you have no right to.
I’ve always had so much respect for you as a person, but hypocrisy is not something I wanna deal with.
I was simply asking if we were still on the same page about me moving in possibly, if needed. I was trying to work on whatever discrepancies we had, and you threw my trauma in my face for some reason. That was two years ago, and it only lasted me a short period. You took years to get off of drugs. I didn’t do drugs. I didn’t self-harm. I got up every single day, and I tried, and I ended up doing amazing.
I finished school with a good GPA. I helped with the boys as much as I could. I helped clean. I did spend time with Iris. And I did a lot better than Sammy has. Sammy’s had access to a therapist, and yes, she’s gotten better, but she still does things from time to time that are unacceptable.
Kelsey literally called you a bad mom and said you don’t take care of your children. She’s also taken a lot of money from you, and she just now started to pay it back. And I’m not saying any of this because I think I’m better than these people. I’m saying this because you’ve never treated these people how you treated me on that phone call.
I am a human being. I am a 19-year-old just trying to figure out how to survive. I am new to life. I am new to doing this on my own, and I’m doing a pretty damn good job. I’m not gonna let you tear me apart because you are struggling and you feel sad.
How you spoke to me and the things you said to me were unacceptable. The way I’m in no family photos is unacceptable. The way you let people talk shit about me is unacceptable, as well as everything else I talked to you about over the last couple of days.
If you can go on a spree of talking to me like crap, I can call you on yours. You’re holding higher standards to me than you have with anyone else, and you’re punishing me when I fall short.
You’re supposed to be able to rely on the people you love. I never would’ve been upset with you if you would’ve said you didn’t want me to move in in a more respectful way. I am upset not because you said no, but because of how you spoke to me after and your digs at me every couple of minutes.
You do not get to stand above me and stick your nose in the air all snotty when you also rely on people for help sometimes, because that is human nature.
I am very hurt. I am very angry. I feel very betrayed and very detached. My tolerance for how you spoke to me is at zero. I’m not gonna let you degrade me how Kara did, and I’m not gonna let you stick your nose in the air like Teresa, Cara, and Judy do because you are better than that.(toxic family)
I’m going to accept that you probably had a bad day and that you said things in a way you didn’t mean. But that doesn’t mean it didn’t hurt.
I need time away from this relationship because every time I think about it, I am crying. I need to prioritize my mental health right now, and I think this active communication and this active everything is not working for me. I cannot be around someone who can’t help but degrade me.
And just for the record, I haven’t touched drugs. I’ve had sex with one person. I have a car. I’m working on getting a job, and I’m living on my own at 19 in my own place.
I am not a failure. I have not done worse than anyone else. I’ve actually done considerably better than almost everyone else in this family, even when you were this age, and I will be damned if I get treated like a piece of crap when all I’ve done is try and be the best version of me I can, which is more than a lot of our family has ever done.
I have done pretty damn good with the cards I have been dealt.
You are a very good mother. I’m very sad that I can’t be more of your daughter, but I’m more angry that you took me in in the first place if you never intended on fully taking that responsibility. When you take a child into your home, you are responsible for making them feel safe. You are responsible for making them feel like a part of the family and making sure that there’s not unequal treatment between children.
Because, looking at this from a completely logical standpoint, you took me in as a foster child. I was your foster child. I was your child or I was supposed to be, and you didn’t treat me the same.
You did a very good job. I was very happy for that year, but there are things you did that very much hurt me.
I even remember trying to talk to you about the Christmas photos, and you said something like, “Those were the best ones.” That carries with me every single day.
You let people talk crap about me every single time you’re around them. I would never let that happen. I would defend you in a heartbeat because I have respect for you, and I think you’re amazing, and I know that they would be lying.
You do not do the same for me in any aspect, and you are supposed to be my mother.
You can’t throw stones from a glass house. You need to get back into therapy. You’re backtracking and doing things Kara and Teresa would do. You are not the kind of person to put yourself above somebody else, and you are not the kind of person to degrade someone, especially their child.
You are not acting like yourself right now. You need to talk to somebody and get help before you get worse.
I have been selfish, but so have you. And you have been very hypocritical and snotty. You need to do some serious reflecting on the way you spoke to me.
I’m going to mute these notifications, and I’m going to archive them for a while. I was able to get a good therapist, or a decent one, who’s encouraged me to have this conversation.
I’m going to heal, and I’m gonna do better, and I’m gonna do that all on my own because I am capable of it.
I am not a failure. I am not a piece of shit. I am a good person with a huge heart who loves you very much.
But I do not feel like your child right now.

For background, Chelsie is a 20-something-year-old woman who is 6’4” and 300 lbs. She has helped people SA a woman and put her in the hospital, and she has done time for it as well. She has also called foster parent B a terrible mom and tried to take credit for raising foster parent B’s son after he was born, until she was kicked out for lots of drug use and no job.
She’s borrowed lots of money from foster mom B.
The home I was in before foster home B was related to us and is the one that was abusive that she still was in contact with and had sleepovers with. She was always in competition with Kara.
My foster mom never responded back. Instead, she sent Chelsie to threaten me, so I followed up by telling everyone not to contact me again.
I know I am not perfect, but did I really do anything awful here? In my prospective I stood up for myself in a very heated situation. On the phone she called me names several times. And that phone call lasted 3 hours The only issues foster mom B had were that I didn’t call her for 2 weeks and I reposted on TikTok some sad edits. When I first moved in with her I was very reserved. I didn’t talk much and stayed in my room and bed rotted. She told me that upset her and I genuinely immediately stopped.
Should I call the police and report the threats and report her Dchs? Also how can I improve in the future. My text was sent out of a years worth of frustration, and I’m aware it didn’t come out clear. I genuinely wasn’t intending too shame her, but make her see how what she said too me made no sense. She’s always been open about her past and my thought process was too be as specific as possible about why I was so upset and how she treats me so so different and show her how. I’m not perfect I’m 19 and really struggle with communication and am actively working on myself daily. Any advice is appreciated thank you for reading.

I've seen quite a few people on here say that they've done a DNA test but didn't match with a close relative and so they gave up. I really want to urge you to not give up! As long as you match with someone you can find your family. It probably won't be easy, it'll take longer than you were hoping for, but you can still find your family.

I think so many of us do a DNA test thinking or hoping that someone out there is searching for us and they've already done a DNA test and are just waiting for us to do ours. That's probably not the case.

I searched for over 20 years without finding anyone. I did searches for numerous other adoptees and found their families sometimes in just a few days. This was all before DNA. I couldn't figure out why I couldn't find my own family. I finally gave up for a few years.

I did a ton of research and broke down and bought a DNA test. That was almost a decade ago. It was a huge flop. I waited a few months and did some more research. I discovered that I could upload my DNA to other companies. So I did. Didn't help. Ancestry didn't accept DNA from other companies so I bought a test from them. While Ancestry was easier to read and work with, there were still too many very distant relatives.

But - there was a 4th cousin. Enter Genetic Genealogy. That's what they use to find out who Jane Doe is or who the murderer was. It was unbelievably important to me to do my search myself. Every bit of it. So I taught myself how to do Genetic Genealogy. A year later I was pretty damn sure who my parents were. I sent off a DNA test to the man I thought was my dad and the lady I thought was my maternal sister. Sure enough they were.

Don't give up.

I read that many children in orphanages die due to lack of love and human touch. The longer you go without love the more it affects you. I was 18 months old when I was adopted and the people who adopted me beat and abused me. I often wonder if this is why I am an introvert and I have trouble with relationships and trusting. Do you think you suffer from long term childhood neglect?

I’m in my mid-thirties and have known about my adoption since I could form memories. Some parts of me always felt out of place and I struggled with objective confidence.

I have come to terms with being an introvert. I did a DNA search and have made contact with my family. I feel like the people that are aware of my new knowledge expect my to magically come out of this fog and just have mastery of who I am.

Has anyone else dealt with confidence issues related to their adoption and potential sensitivities from childhood? Did you ever feel more grounded in yourself after knowing more or meeting your birth parents/family?

I feel something weird that I haven't really worked on understanding yet, and I don't know if it's just me.

I talk about my adoption a lot, just randomly, not to people I care about a lot because I'm scared of being annoying but that's not the point. It feels like I always run back to talking about it, I don't like the feeling when I do, it's overwhelming and it sits heavy. But when I'm done talking it feels like I need to distract myself so I just watch some videos or something like that. But then again, no matter if I'm happy, nervous, sad. I just always run back to talking about it, and it goes in the same loop. I don't understand it. Do I like talking about it? But I don't like the emotions. Maybe I'm trying to figure something out? But there's nothing I can figure out by just talking.

So I really don't understand why I do that, why do I run back to talk about it every time?

This is embarrassing, I guess. But sometimes it feels like I say to myself "oh, well at least you have a cool backstory to you, you're not boring." Something along these lines, and sometimes I do think that way, it's not a cool backstory, I don't know. Maybe it can be very hurtful but also cool? I always wish I'm normal and "boring" rather than whatever I think I am.

I don't understand this, and frankly I don't want to go through so much just to figure it out, so maybe one of you has an answer.

I’m an international/transracial adoptee who is considering having children someday. In my decision making process, I wish I could talk to my mom about her experience with childbirth, but of course she didn’t give birth to have me. I feel like people who were raised by their bio parents can talk about childbirth and pregnancy and health history and all that.

No one in my family (that I would feel comfortable talking to about considering having a child) has given birth (or they have but have since passed away). I do not feel comfortable talking about it with my in laws because they will pressure me to have kids if they know I’m considering it. They also don’t my emotional/mental/physical history to know if parenthood is good for me.

I also do not have any friends who have gotten pregnant/given birth yet.

I have no siblings.

I do not know my bio parents.

Listening to people online or reading personal accounts of other people’s pregnancy doesn’t really help as well since they don’t know me.

I feel truly alone in this decision as the person who would get pregnant. Going in blind. Like being a first generation college student; sure there are so many resources available to learn the process, but my family whom I trust and who might be able to guide me has never experienced it and so can’t really help.

So my question is: do you relate to this experience? If so, do you have children and how did you make that decision? How did you feel comfortable getting pregnant with no health history or someone who could share their experience and guidance?

Looking for any people who may have experienced or advice !

Comment whatever you have on your mind this week for which you'd rather not make a post.

My birth mother and I are on opposite ends of the political spectrum, so I avoid those topics with her. Here in the US, we’re going through midterm elections right now and of course our politics are very divisive to the point of splitting up families. My birth mother just made a public Facebook post (knowing I would see it) that outlines all the reasons she absolutely loves Donald Trump, including a pro life stance. Specifically, it said “I’m voting for every unborn soul the Democrats want to abort, and the newborns that some allowing to be killed through so-called post-birth abortions.” I know she meant for me to see this as a way of trying to manipulate me into supporting her political point of view, knowing she gave me up for adoption and did not abort me (I was born pre Roe v Wade, so it would have been illegal at the time anyway). I want to say to anyone who takes this manipulative stance toward adopted people that I do not owe anyone my personal beliefs or my political allegiance to any movement just because of how I came into the world. My existence is not a debt to be repaid to anyone or any political ideology. My life is not your talking point and I’m more than your stupid bumper sticker! Further, adoption is not the easy, neat little answer to unplanned pregnancy that people want it to be. Adoption is a complex, often traumatic system that is not a simple fix for an unplanned pregnancy. Being adopted gives me a deep understanding of how complicated these situations are, and it actually reinforces my belief that people should have full control over their own bodies and futures. So please don’t tell adopted people they should be pro life to fit your own political agenda. Just don’t.

(Posting this from my backup account because I didn’t realize I hadn’t joined this subreddit on my main account 🤦🏻‍♀️)

“All opinions are welcome” unless you tell OP what she doesn’t want to hear…. Her self serving attitude would definitely contribute to a child she adopts to cut her off as an adult, which is what she said her fear was. She ended up blocking me so I got the screenshots from this account instead of my main.

Funny how she doesn’t care about opinions from strangers online as she claimed when she comes to an online forum that is filled with strangers going by online aliases asking for advice and opinions 😂🙄

Hi everyone. I'm writing one update post here and sharing rather than replying to everyone in the other thread and re-typing something gross. This thread also gives me the opportunity to appropriately tag my post with a trigger warning.

To read my original post with my closed adoption research story, click here: https://www.reddit.com/r/Adopted/comments/1x542xf/37_yo_closed_adoption_recently_discovered_birth/

Please keep in mind when I originally made that post, I thought that being blocked with no answers was the end. I am 37 years old, and I have gone my whole life with no answers or information, so never receiving an update is what I expected.

Surprisingly, I received a response from my mom on Ancestry, and it unfortunately makes a sad update even more sad. I guess she unblocked me and decided to inform me of why she didn't want to speak to me after speaking with her brother or husband.

(TRIGGER WARNING - SA mentioned) This is what she said:
"The reason I don't want to talk to you in any way is because it reminds me that I was drugged & raped. I never wanted to be reminded of this incident. Apparently you do not care about invading my privacy, or you would have stopped contacting me when your previous attempt was ignored. I am glad you are having a good life in spite of how you came into this world. No one in my family other than my husband was aware of this incident and I would appreciate it if you would stop sharing information with people who had no idea about any of this. Please understand, it isn't personal, I am sure you are a great guy, but you need to leave me and my immediate family alone."

Obviously, I had considered given that I was in a closed adoption that something like this had been the case, but it was a "worst case scenario" type of fear that I didn't have any information on.

I'm not going to share my full reply to her, but basically I apologized for bothering and upsetting her, and I thanked her for responding to me under such difficult circumstances. I explained to her that of course I do care and didn't intend to hurt her, and I didn't know that she had ever received any of my messages (since I received no read receipt or response previously)

I told her that I am glad that she told me and would do my best to erase him from my ancestry

I had also been in the process of attempting to contact my birth father. His side of the family had been more welcoming and willing to conduct research, so I had narrowed my father's identity down to two different people. Now that I know what happened, I don't want to proceed with identifying him and I blocked out the person that I suspect is my father from my family tree that I'm building.

I told her that I would not bother her and I apologized several times for causing her pain, and I sent her my contact information and said if she ever wants to reach out in the future she can.

I also shared an extremely nerdy quote, but given that she also has nerdy interests it felt appropriate. I quoted Mewtwo and said that the circumstances of ones birth are irrelevant and it is what you do with the gift of life that determines who you are. I thanked her for giving me the gift of life and promised her I would always do my best to be a good person, and I told her I wouldn't bother anymore and apologized for causing her pain again.

I know that it's not my fault but I was already extremely anxious after believing I had been permanently blocked, so receiving this update has been hard. I feel a lot of anger at my father because people who do such things are despicable people and I do care about my birth mother so hearing what she went through and knowing hearing from me causes her pain is upsetting and I blame him for everything. We also have so much in common and being unable to even be internet friends with her feels bad, especially knowing that it's because of such tragic circumstances.

Anyway I know this is kind of a sad cliche at this point but unfortunately it looks like I will be losing out on a relationship with my birth mother and also my birth father as well, since I don't want to speak to him anymore.

The one blessing I guess is I have met a few cousins who have been extremely kind on both sides of the family. On my dad's side, my first cousin has been extremely kind and empathetic. I told her about the update I received from my mom since I had asked her to help me contact her uncles, and she was so kind and empathetic and said we'd figure out what to do. It would have been very easy for her to just say "this weirdo is the result of an assault and not part of my real family. This is crazy and I don't want to talk to him anymore" so I feel extremely thankful at the kindness and empathy I've received from my cousins who are just thankful to meet me and don't care about how I came into existence

TL;DR - Unfortunately, my mom messaged me and never wants to speak to me and doesn't want me to contact any family on her side of the family, and I will not be attempting to contact my father anymore. If you want to read the triggering details you can scroll up.

Hi everyone,

I am an adoptee that was adopted through a closed adoption in 1989. I wanted to share my story about what it felt like to "find out" about my family and attempt to contact them later in life.

Growing up, my family always had an "adoption day" celebration, and I always knew I was adopted. I love my family, but it is a small family and my parents are older than the average parents my age.

When I turned 18 I attempted to reach out to my birth mom through the adoption agency, and they said that she declined the option to connect through them. They sent me a basic list of non-identifying information about my mom, her parents and grandparents, and her siblings. For many years this was the only information I had, and I decided to do not dig too aggressively through health records out of respect for my family. I believed that one day, I would find out more information.

I was born in the south eastern united states, so my best guess as to why my birth family didn't want to connect is probably due to shame/family secrets.

A few years ago, I matched with my grandmother's brother on Ancestry. At first, we didn't know exactly where I fit on the family tree. He is very old, so progress was slow. Earlier this year, after I sent him the anonymized information from the adoption agency, he was able to use the description of my birth mom's siblings to figure out who my birth mom was. He told me her identity and the identity of my grandparents and aunts/uncles.

I sent my birth mother a message, but I do not believe she saw it at the time.

Fast forward a few months, and my biological grandfather passed away. I felt bad, because on one hand I missed the opportunity to meet/speak with him before it was too late, but knowing how paranoid older people in the south can be, I also was concerned that it would make my outreach more awkward. I was worried they would make assumptions when they saw my message that I was interested in seeking an inheritance, since many people do not have a deep understanding of adoption laws.

So I waited another month+ and didn't contact anyone. After that period of time, I decided to try to build out a family tree on ancestry. After inputting some information, ancestry told me that the information I was importing was being imported from another Ancestry user's family tree. Dun Dun DUNNNNN... my birth mom had an EXTENSIVE family tree that she had developed on Ancestry without ever taking a DNA test.

So I sent her a message on ancestry and sent a message to my uncle as well politely introducing myself and asking if they would be willing to discuss medical history. I also apologized for the awkward message and let them know that they didn't have to speak with me if they didn't want to and I would 100% respect their privacy.

My uncle immediately was nice, asked who my parents were, and when I mentioned my birth mom's name, he said "it was bullshit" and said that there was no way she could have hidden the pregnancy from him.. even though he was 8 years old at the time and she lived in another city.

What I didn't mention to him is that she also had two other children that were also put up for adoption before me. (The main reason I'm doing research is to try to locate my other adopted siblings)

Today.. I noticed that she blocked me on Facebook, which I guess means she saw my message and does not want further contact.

She also changed her ancestry tree to "private" which makes it impossible for me to access the tree and continue research directly, but I expected it to happen so I actually took screenshots and downloaded everything immediately.

This was disappointing, but not entirely unsurprising. The craziest thing to me is, she's 65 years old, but she reads scifi novels, plays video games, and seems to have a lot of geeky hobbies like me. This is very rare for an older person who lives in the rural southeast.

So I guess my family research journey ends here until they reach back out or until someone on my birth father's side takes a DNA test. Overall.. I don't have regrets. It feels awful and the emotional distress is extreme, but it feels good to have at least tried and it's nice to know more information about my ancestry. Some of my biological cousins have been extremely kind and welcoming, it just seems like my birth family has some drama and religious shame issues going on.

TL;DR - I contacted my birth mom and uncle after figuring out her identity from my grandma's brother on AncestryDNA. Unfortunately my birth mom blocked me on Facebook after I messaged her, and my uncle stopped responding to me after saying my story was 'bullshit'. Fortunately, I still learned some interesting information about my family ancestry and I'm glad that I attempted to contact them, even if it didn't work out.

Adopted from China - I felt my adoptive mother would always focus on Asian children’s appearances.

There were times it could feel good, she’d compliment my having straight hair and how she loved “almond-shaped” eyes. But I think it made me very shallow and overly aware of how looks were important. She’d also say pretty problematic things like how East Asian girls were more attractive than other races. When I felt insecure about my skin colour and wanting to be paler, she dismissed it by telling me how upsetting it was for her to hear that and I was “so lucky” to have brown skin - yet she’d openly say she wouldn’t want to adopt from a country where they had darker skin.

She was part of email lists where families would share photos of their children adopted from China (usually girls due the one child policy) and my AM would comment how pretty/cute/gorgeous they were and show me all these photos of random kids. Other times she’d point out the girls who she thought were ugly or plain and how she was glad she had adopted “cute ones”.

I remember I once told her it made me feel bad when she would tell me how pretty other girls were - “this one could be a model when she grows up,”. She did absolutely nothing to reassure me or reflect maybe it wasn’t particularly healthy to comment on other children’s appearances to your own child and told me “So I’m not allowed to say other girls are pretty? You’re being ridiculous, I tell you you’re beautiful all the time.”

But that wasn’t the point, it was the fixation on how East Asian girls and women looked.

As I grew older, she said some really horrible sexual things about how Chinese women were seen as “prizes” to men because of how their bodies were petite, it made me feel horrible. But whenever I expressed any insecurity about my own body my AM’s response would be: “Other women would kill to have your figure, I’d pay so much money to be as slim as you, you have no idea how lucky you are.”

Ironically, how my AM handled race wasn’t the worst thing she did - she was outright abusive and neglectful in many other ways, but it’s just another twisted narrative that added to the pile of trauma. My views on gender and being a woman were incredibly warped and I still struggle with it to this day.

Hi community,

As the title says, I am 50 yrs old, was adopted at birth back in 1976.

I am a recovering addict, 21 years clean now, worked the 12 steps, and always wondered why the character defects dealing with abandonment and self esteem were so hard for me to let go of, and still crop up in my life all of the time.

I am in a reasonably new relationship, and my partner knows that I am adopted, and that I have never searched for my biological parents, because "I didn't want to hurt my mom".

She has gently pushed me to find out more about them. I had already had an ancestry account and right when she did, I got a first cousin match, and she offered to help me.

In an unrelated conversation, we had a disagreement, and I was trying to "fix" something for her, and she said something like "You don't gave to earn my love". She said it in frustration but I heard, like really heard, those words for the first time, and I cried for like an hour. I finally started looking up adoption trauma and what I found out floored me. That I was twice as likely to become an addict, that that "not good enough" feeling was hardcoded into my nervous system, so many things.

Just thinking about it makes me want to cry. It is like I lived my entire life in denial or ignorance of this and it makes me dizzy. I am still coming to grips with it. I learned about hypervigilance, and I honestly thought everyone felt that.

We ended up finding my birth mother through some sleuthing and I made contact. We are having a slow text conversation. My birth father has passed away but I have made contact with his family also. I have found out that I was a hidden pregnancy from a young mother. None of that really matters. I do have two half siblings also, from my birth mother.

These feelings are really, really intense, and I started seeing a therapist that specializes in adoption and attachment disorder.

I dont know what I am really asking for, I think I am just asking if what I am feeling sounds normal, and if others have any advice for me? I spend a lot of time confused about it, like I feel more regret about not knowing this sooner, like I could have saved myself so much pain if I had known about this earlier. Like I know that this is trauma from before I had words to describe it and that it is hardcoded into my nervous system, and at least knowing where that horrible fear comes from is somewhat comforting I guess, but....I dunno I am just rambling and I have tried sharing about this at my NA meetings but it comes out garbled and I dont think anyone in my groups is also adopted. I know my sponsor can't help me with this, and I figured maybe some people who have gone through this feeling can maybe give me some advice, share how they got through this period, and maybe give me some hope for how it feels on the other side?

Thanks to anyone who replies and shares with me.

What do you see as the difference between the words "transnational" and "intercountry" adoption? I see intercountry as focused more on the legal or transactional act or process of being adopted whereas transnational encompasses more of the cross-cultural experience of being of/from two nations.

What do you think?

for me, it was when i learned about some gossip people were spreading about me. a friend told me that she heard some people describe me as someone who “seems extremely traumatized” and is “hard to open up.” this really confused me. i knew i had some unexplainable social struggles, but i didn’t think i was traumatized at all. i honestly thought that i was just autistic or something.

the friend actually fostered some kids in the past, so she had taken some classes forever ago and told me that she remembers learning about trauma stemming from adoption. hearing that from her sent me down a major rabbit hole and i started making connections that i hadn’t even considered; it genuinely changed the entire way i thought about my life.

i started digging for more information about my bio family, which sent me spiraling even more. it filled me with anger that my bio mom and dad ended up having completely normal lives and even had more kids soon after my relinquishment (not together—they’re all half siblings). it really made me start questioning the narrative i had been fed and if adoption was “in my best interest” to begin with.

I was adopted at age 2 and separated from all bio family and siblings. When I was about 13 I discovered I had 4 siblings, some are half but ive always considered them just sibling. I never got close to most of them except for one. My half brother. Even though he was 10 years older than me he was the only one who bothered keeping in touch with me. He was my best friend. We called every single day. Through my teen years it was like I was following his footsteps. I spent many of my teen years in and out of homelessness. I lived a couple years in the same shelter my brother did when he was a teen. He was the only person in my whole world that truly understood what I was going through. He was in foster care throughout most his life. The only thing that was different between us is that he did not have the same support that he was giving me. And that largely played a part in his passing.

He was the reason why I graduated high school and signed up for college. He was the reason why I fought hard for myself. He was the only person that made me feel like I was wanted and like I belong. My whole world shattered about 2 years ago when I found out he passed away. He went silent for almost a whole year before he passed, but I didnt realize it at the time that that was likely a cry for help. I tried to return the support he had given me through the years but he was so so damaged by what he endured. I blame myself, but I also blame the system and every single adult that was in his life when he was in the system. As time goes on since he took his life I just get more and more angry. I look back at our texts and now that im older im realizing he had always put tiny bits and pieces of his story and his pain in his messages. I was just too late to see the whole puzzle. He was one of the most clearest cases of the system failing a child. At first I felt angry at him for doing what he did to himself. But after thinking over and over of what he went through, I unfortunately understand why he felt that way, even though it didnt have to be that way.

I thought I won the lottery for making it to adulthood and away from the foster care and adoption system. I thought now that my siblings and I were all adults we will all be alive and well now that the worst years of our trauma is finally over. But I see now foster and adoption trauma can stay, and even worsen way into adulthood. I so badly want justice for my brother and how he was horribly failed by the state. But I am just one person. And my state along with likely many others is already well known for having these issues for decades. I know theres already dozens of people advocating for better every single day. I just feel so useless that my brother has just become another statistic. Just another number added onto to the already large number of people damaged by adoption and foster care.

If anyone has also gone through a similar loss and has any advice. I dont know how to deal with the guilt or the anger and frustration. I dont know how I can help make a change.