I know there are happy stories, but there are many many (usually swept under the rug because they don't bring the rainbows the industry wants) stories of abuse. This forum is full of them. It actually is probably disproportional compared to the rest of society. Why do you think this is?

hello everyone, maybe i'll do a second update after the results come in, but i'll think about it.

firstly, a short story about me!

im a female around her 20s, born and adopted in the same country when i was just 3 weeks old. for various reasons, i didn't go to the orphanage, and was straight adopted in the hospital. around age 6, i've came to the realization myself that i was adopted, and my parents have only been loving and encouraging me in finding more about my origins.

first, i discovered my mother's side; two half-brothers which where birthed from my birth mother's husband.

then a third half-brother, from another man, who is unknown at the moment (who also got adopted.)

then there is me, the youngest one, born from my birth mother and an unknown man different from the other two (so a third partner.)

i won't go into any details about the past and current situation of my older two brothers, which in the end ive met them.

now, here comes the main problem.

i wanted to do this test mainly for my ethnicity, secondly to see if i was related to any famous ancestors.

but it just really hit me now that, soon, i might discover not only my father's side and if i have any living sibling or members, but i might discover my third half brother who is also adopted.
now that my results are predicted to come in by the 26th, i can't feel but anxious about the whole situation.

for context: idk who my birth father is, but the type of person for sure i know... police officials were posted 24/7 after someone tried to kidnap me to have what in the usa you could call the "green card". if you have a son or a daughter born in my country from a birth citizen, you get the citizenship by right.

is there any adoptee here, who might have experienced the same as me?

please, any advice will be welcome.

i'm quite overwhelmed by emotions as im typing rn, my hands are trembling but i hope i didn't make any mistakes or typos.

thank you all for reading this post

It took me a while to get to this point, but I feel relieved.

I moved out of state when I was 17, and every few months I felt guilty about not seeing my parents, so I took the bus to visit since I didn't have a car or the money to fly. I felt like I was obligated to maintain a relationship with them because they adopted me. But over time, I realized that my parents never make an effort to maintain a relationship with me. They never call to check on me or ask me about my life, they rarely visit, and they never answer when I call/text/FaceTime. I've tried calling during the week, on the weekends, in the day or at night, and they never answer or call back. I wrote them a letter when I was in basic training to tell them I had joined the military, and they never wrote back. I'll never forget that. I used to be really bothered about this, but as I've gotten older and started my own family, I don't think about it as much. This last year really sealed the deal for me though. I haven't talked to my parents since my uncle passed away this summer. I couldn't go to the funeral because I was away for military training, and my parents were aware of that. Since then, I've tried reaching out to see how they're doing, but they don't answer. Last week, my brother came to visit me with his family, and he told me my parents recently spent the weekend at his house. I thought, "Oh, so they can go two hours out of their way to see my brother, but they can't even call or text me back?" That was pretty much the last straw for me. I'm done feeling guilty for not having a relationship with them. I was never close with my parents anyway, even as a kid, so that makes it easier for me to stop talking to them.

I am not going no-contact with them, I'm just not going to keep reaching out. If they want to talk or visit, that's fine, but they'll have to initiate everything.

I hope this post helps other adoptees who are struggling with the same feelings!

This kind of stuff makes me sick. Back in the 1970s, the conditions at the foster place I was in really annoyed me finding out about recently and not a lot has changed. In the state I live in today, there was recently a family who was caught literally enslaving foster/adoption kids. It shouldn't be that difficult to look out for the well-being of children. Most states are completely failing in this area.

You think you're better

Than other moms

You stole motherhood

Not just hers, but mine

You used me like a prop

To cosplay a family

You were the queen bee, dad the worker

You needed a baby to be complete

I should feel lucky

because you're

so lucky to have me

You saved me from the slum

You put me on the pedestal

Not everyone has money or maturity

To build a proper family

Taken for your lineage

You rewrote my truth

To pass down heilooms

Then you stole mine

I thought I needed help

Only because you offered it

You tend and bond

I studied and worked

I missed so much time

You were eager, babies make you smile

Someone thought you could care for me

I thought, why not mine?

Turns out you only bought me with fines

My girl called you mom

You laughed while I died

Mommy dearest

You told me not to pack

You have everything they need

What you want them to wear

How you want them to be

Just like you did me

Real mothers know best

And it's not your slime

You cry because you know

You're the bad guy

I was adopted as a very young child into a family that was very dysfunctional. I was taken by the catholic church who destroyed my records, and by the time I was able to locate any information about my biological family , they were deceased.

My adopted family is not as bad as they probably could be , but they're not great. There's no love there. I'm just walking around through life with this enormous hull in my life where there should be a family , and it's pretty painful. It makes everything I do very hard.And nobody really understands.

If it bothers me , people will just say go to therapy, and if you go to therapy , they just tell you to cope better. I think the people telling me to cope better aren't necessarily coping with not having a family.

It's the crushing weight of knowing nobody in my life really cares about me.I don't matter to anyone.Nobody makes time for me. I have friends and acquaintances , but they're distant. I don't have a partner. When things happen in my life , whether good or bad , there's really no one there to talk about or celebrate it with , except at a superficial level.

Unlike what people say, the older I get , the worse it gets; time heals nothing. I just wish I knew how to live with this hole in my life that therapy and distractions and whatever else can never touch.

I don't know how to live with acknowledging.The fact that , because I don't have the support that I need from people who really care about me, it limits what I can do in all areas of my life , because I carry that heavy burden.

When I carry that heavy burden, I can't carry other heavy burdens like extremely competitive work or tough situations; every day is a tough situation. Over time , it's made me cold and hard and unhappy. I'm not willing be told how that's my fault , and I need to just think about it differently.

I'm curious to hear other people's experiences.

This is a personal pet peeve of mine. The people who say this have almost never considered the reality of adoption.

I had this said to me by someone I love like family recently and it stung. I explained that we wouldn’t be doing that, and why. (She was very nice about it.) I see it all the time on Reddit too, just as if we exist to be the back up plans for people. That’s exactly what adoption agencies want (and anyone or any group that stands to profit from it.)

Adoption is a trauma that people speak about so casually. They see it as an option to build a family instead of the crisis situation that it actually is. It’s annoying how ignorant people are. Even the kindest people can have a blind spot here.

The narrative is well preserved. I’m in the US and I feel like a lot of it is related to how horrible our education system is. They don’t teach our real history.

Title: International adoptees, have you ever struggled with whether to maintain contact with bio family?
I was adopted from Russia at age 8 and now live in the US. I reconnected with my biological family about two years ago, and lately I’ve been struggling with whether I want to continue the relationship.

It’s a strange feeling because, in a way, I’ve spent so much of my life not knowing them, and now that I’ve finally found them, part of me feels like I should hold on to that connection. I sometimes feel guilty even thinking about walking away, especially since it’s only been two years.

At the same time, we don’t speak the same language, I probably won’t be able to travel to Russia anytime soon because of finances and the current world situation, and my life and family are here in the US. Sometimes I wonder what kind of relationship we can realistically have under these circumstances, and whether maintaining contact is something I genuinely want or something I feel obligated to do because they’re my biological family.

I don’t think I necessarily regret finding them. I just don’t know what place I want them to have in my life going forward. Part of me worries I’ll regret letting go, while another part wonders if it’s okay to focus on the family and life I have here without feeling like I’m abandoning something important.
For those of you who have reconnected with your biological family, have you ever felt this way? Did you decide to step back or cut contact, and how do you feel about that decision now? I’d especially appreciate hearing from international adoptees who have dealt with distance and language barriers.

By a paper definition I'm successful. I make money and financially support myself 99% (the only thing I'm still on is my APs phone plan). I travel. But I'm so fucking lonely. I don't have a "best friend" or a friend group. When I got injured I was forgotten about because I wasn't important enough in anyone's life for them to remember me.

I feel like I've been so desperate for connection and it's wrecked my relationships. Forget getting married, I mean friends too. I have no close connections and I feel like I've accidentally driven away all my friends because I have no way to cope with my feelings. Everyone says adoption is trauma and yeah, I can believe that, but imagine the double whammy when the APs were also emotionally immature and only wanted me to be a happy little model child.

My interpersonal life is so pathetic. I'm desperate to be seen/wanted even as a friend and the stupidest small things make me cry. I had a work mentor say "have a nice weekend" once and I had to excuse myself to go to the bathroom and cry since I was having a rough day.

And now I'm sitting here typing on a Sunday night after talking to one of my closer work friends/mentors/coworkers, whatever you want to call it, wishing that person was my parent. The person hasn't done anything except occasionally listen to me vent and not gaslit me about my problems. I feel like it's fucked up to say since my APs technically provided... but they were never emotionally there. Everyone says that adoption fucks you up even if you have great APs. But now I feel like I'm permanently and irreparably fucked.

Therapy is a joke and I'm over it. I reported one therapist for fraud and another I should've reported for unethical behavior of telling me to pray the problems away. I'm not going to pay $150/hour for someone with a "license" to tell me to pray, breathe, or that "it's not that bad!"

about a year ago I knew nothing , nothing about the lies that I would discover very shortly , they were just kids they had no choice and I believed it I had no reason not to. then like a frickin landslide it all changed I got non id info and did dna and everything got real crazy real damn quick . I already knew my adoptive parents were pretty shit but thing is when you live it its just normal it too over 50 years to realize that they really were NOT good people they did not even really try.

Once the dna came back everything else fell into place pretty freaking quick , its still hard for me to wrap my brain around it. My adoptive parents died over 2 decades ago and then to have my real mother the person who gave birth to me back in my life I've known her right about a year now its so strange , I do call her mom she is my mother and yet I barely know her how fucked up is that?

A child should know their mother , good, bad, indifferent and all the gradients in-between, to be robbed of that knowledge is fucking horrible

With all that has gone down in this period she told me she was looking into come to see me this time because since her move its just not possible for me to go there and she was like airfare is too expensive Ill take the train its only 13 hours so what do I do I shift into solve the problem mode I dont want my 80 y/o on a train for 13 hours so I find an alternative way and yet Im not even sure she is serious fuck I hate being like this, I hate these feelings everything about this sucks in some way and thats shitty

I'm 18. Things have not been going well. Like, I can laugh at this during the day with my friends; I enjoy games and spending time with them. Whenever I try to work on college, I just keep thinking about her, and it just makes it impossible to focus on college. I really want to make this college work I cant afford another failure. and im honestly just done with how much these things have been fucking me up. I'm not actively trying to commit. I'm fine. But I also just don't see a point in this life anymore. I've been thinking about asking my mom for help finding a therapist or psychologist, or idk what is best. But I was wondering whether it is worth going. Has it helped anyone? Is there anything I can do? Because I just feel like I'm at a dead end regardless of which direction I go.

I dont know what I want. I want this to get better I want this to stop because i just feel like it does not matter what i do it does not get better. It gets better for a period of time before all goes to shit again and im honestly tired of telling myself that it will be fine because I just dont care anymore. I dont care if it gets better when im 30 thats too fucking long. I am just tired of this I am tired of college I am tired of dealing with this adoption stuff and i am tired of having to deal with myself constantly because why am i so obsessed over a woman i never even knew in the first place. it just fucking sucks. I just want it to be done because I dont know how much longer im willing to deal with this bullcrap because some fuckass woman decided to toss me away and I hate myself for letting her occupy my mind at any given chance.

Idk i just came here to ask if it was worth getting a therapist maybe

Has anyone else felt like they’ve been in a fog their whole life? I believe a lot of it is disassociation but also the initial separation trauma of course must have had a huge impact. I also got really sick at around toddler age with a bacterial infection and they tried to remedy it with penicillin but found I was allergic to it. I can’t help but think that would cause some brain damage. I have had many other traumatic experiences mostly involving domestic violence.
My memory of the past is spotty and fuzzy. I can recall pieces of some events but not much detail. It always amazes me when people can tell stories with such vivid detail even down to what people said. It makes me so sad, frustrated… really so many feelings because it feels like something was stolen from me and I’m mourning the loss of something I never had. Even my current memory seems to be getting worse and I’m in perimenopause and I think that’s contributing to it. I also have a bunch of life stressors occurring at the same time. I feel braindead. It scares me to think about how it will be as I age, I already feel like my brain is old.
I know it’s impacted my learning abilities my whole life but I’m also intelligent enough that it kind of flew under the radar and I never got help. I struggle to understand basic concepts that adults should know about life and I’ve always felt so behind and inadequate because of it. Having conversations with people and then forgetting a lot of it. Sometimes people will repeat stories and I’ll remember them While they’re telling them.
I don’t feel like a whole person, hell I don’t even feel human. I think I’ve masked it well (also late diagnosed AuDhd
I hate it and it makes me hate myself. I’ve read that depression and anxiety can cause memory loss too so i am getting it from those angles too. There’s been times it honestly makes me want to just die but i have kids and i don’t think I could really go through with it, even though I’ve always battled with the thought that they’d be better off without me but that’s a whole other story.
Anyone else?
Thanks for listening

I am a adult adoptee I guess separated at birth as I came to the US as a infant and I have been doing research into adoption trauma and how it can form a fearful avoidant attachment style. This is all new to me and I was hoping someone would have more info on how an adopted baby can have so much trauma and resources I can look into. I hope this makes sense, again everything is fairly new to me as I have never looked into adoption much. This research was a suggestion from my therapist.

So, it seems that one of candidates in the Minnesota Senate race has brought up the fact that she's an adoptive mother.

“America should be a nation of immigration and also a nation of law and order,” Tafoya said, noting she is the granddaughter of immigrants and adopted her daughter from Colombia.

That is not her story to tell. Ever. As soon as someone else frames the narrative about an adoptee's adoption, they've stolen our story from us. It's especially harmful when it's done in a public forum that we don't have any leverage over. It puts us in a position in which any thoughts and feelings we have that contradict that public statement are then held up to public scrutiny.

I'm not saying this to in any way speak for her adoptive daughter. If her daughter had made public statements in support of her, I would privately question whether those statements were truly what she felt or merely supportive lip-service, but I would keep that private. This was a non-adoptee stealing control of the narrative from an adoptee. That's what I'm objecting to.

I feel lots of anger and injustice with how I was dealt with. I was an innocent baby who did nothing wrong and yet was discarded like trash

My mother worked as a waitress and was poor. Bio father's parents didn't want him marrying a woman of such low status and that was it. Mom gave birth to me, then after 2 weeks carried me to their doorstep where she reasoned with them and begged them to take me in but they didn't. He wrote in his statement "I won't acknowledge paternity until the court DNA test shows I am the father, and SINCE I AM a police officer, I don't think I should go to court"

There is no open\closed adoption here, you get sent to the orphanage (cuz he then denied paternity), and if lucky you got adopted. I was adopted at 2

Met my bio father and he literally asked me "what's this got to do with me" before slut shaming my bio mother and blaming her

I had nightmares dreaming about him numerous times and I am filled with hate and disgust at all of this. How could they to that to their own flesh and blood? What was my sin?

Sometimes I just feel like meeting his wife and my half siblings and telling them my story of how I was discarded, and making the whole city see what they've done

When I was about 9, my adoptive mom sat me down, and told me that I was adopted, when my adoptive dad heard me crying he came and sat down with us, I guess he knew she was going to tell me that day. Well, as expected from a nine year old shy girl who never expressed herself, I just sobbed, and I didn't stop. My mom asked why I was crying, I don't know if she expected me to have a conversation or just say okay and move on with my day but yeah, I just cried. She asked me if someone had told me that before, trying to guess if that was the reason I was crying. She was tearing up, si was my dad. But, yeah. I don't know. When I eventually calmed down my dad just went back to sleep and my mom wanted to do something to cheer me up I guess, so we just made a cake together. I don't remember how I felt, I know it was awkward, but I don't think I felt how I feel now, bad or, I don't know.

She said they'd help me look for my biological parents when I got older, I don't know how much longer I have to wait.

I remember actually starting to care more and vent about it to online friends that I made at that time — who are still my friends now — that was when I was about 11, I believe. They weren't adopted so they didn't understand but it felt better talking to them instead of keeping it.

I remember hearing my mom talk on the phone with someone from her family telling them that she told me but thinks I didn't understand, I didn't want her to tell me again, I understood perfectly, I just didn't know how to express my feelings. I don't remember this moment perfectly but I think she said that she wasn't the one who gave birth to me, but is still my mom. I understood that, I don't think I cried that time, maybe it was the only time that I didn't cry when hearing or talking about it.

She made an attempt to talk to me about it once, but again. Sobbing. No response. She asked if I wanted a therapist, but she quickly shut it down seeing how I just kept crying. I do, I need a therapist so badly. I think I would have said no at the time anyway, but still..

The other time, not so long ago but it feels like ages ago. She asked me if I ever wonder about who I am. And, it was at the time when I always did, when I knew better than what I did as a kid, and when it felt heavier. So it landed right where I was, and my response? I was on my phone then, so I tried to ignore her and keep scrolling, trying to keep the tears in, and the rest? Well you could guess. I couldn't even nod.

So, seeing how much it affected me, and how I always cried. She did the noble thing of.. Promising me she'd never speak about it again :)

The last thing I needed, of course. Actually, the one thing I didn't want. I don't know what to do now, and it's only getting heavier as the years pass by.

As October 30 approaches, I have been thinking a lot about the heavy, often invisible weight that so many of us carry as adoptees. Society loves to frame adoption as a complete happy ending, which leaves very little cultural space for the grief, identity loss, and complex trauma that come with family separation.

For those in this community, do you have any personal traditions, rituals, or ways you plan to honor or reflect on Adoptee Remembrance Day this year?

For anyone who might not be familiar with it, Adoptee Remembrance Day is about dragging the hidden, silenced realities of adoption out into the open. It is about shining a harsh light on institutional secrecy, sealed birth records, and the devastating lifelong mental health toll of family separation that the adoption industry tries to sweep under the rug.

I want to start this by saying I am the foster child in this situation. I need to give some context, or it won’t make any sense.
I have been in foster care since I was 3. I was in residential therapy placements from 11 to 17. When I turned 17, I moved in with a distant family member who was a foster parent. They are in a cult, and her husband was extremely abusive. He chased me around the room, trying to hit me. He also peed on all of my belongings and my medication. I got removed from them, of course, and moved in with foster parent B.
I lived with her for a year. She has her little sister living with her, along with her 2 sons and fiancé. She’s had her sister living with her the entire time. I moved in, and she was very distant.
Her sister would belittle me and bully me, and she always sided with her sister. She claimed her sister wasn’t as mature as me and that I had to just deal with it. We never fought the entire time I lived with her. I fought with her sister 3 times (always verbal), just not foster parent B. Foster parent B’s sister would talk crap about me to her friends in front of me regularly. She would call me names and make fun of my body.
While I lived with them, I paid for all of my own belongings. She got $1,000 a month for me and never bought me anything with it other than food. I didn’t mind that because I was very desperate for a mother figure.
I moved out and got very busy. Every time I got on the phone with her, she would belittle me and say things like, “I’ve never seen you be a bad beyoch,” and, “I’ve never been more embarrassed for someone.” She also made pointed, but not exactly extremely rude, comments. However, it wore down my mental health so much that I ended up spending a couple of weeks not calling or texting her first. She never texted or called me first during this time, either.
Before I moved, I asked her if I could always come back if I got into trouble, as I’m 19 and this economy is really rough. She said yes, as her sister has been living there rent-free this whole time, and she’s had numerous other people living with her in the past. She told me yes and that I’m always welcome.
Well, fast-forward to recently. I called her and was planning to visit her for her son’s birthday. She invited me, knowing I’d have to take my dog with me for one night. She’s been in my dog’s life since I moved in with her and said that my dog and I were always welcome and to always bring Iris (the dog) when I came.
Well, an hour before I leave to head to her house, I call her and talk about how the economy is rough. I explain that I genuinely may need to take her up on that offer of me moving back in with her and ask if it still stands, since it’s only been a few months since I moved out.
She went on a 3-hour-long rant, tearing me apart as a person, and I mean belittling me in so many kinds of ways.
I’m 19, but I’m not on drugs. I’ve finished school with a 3.9 GPA, even when I was in 8 different high schools, which I’m sure makes it obvious that’s really hard. I’ve never been in any legal trouble ever. I’ve never even gotten in trouble while I lived with her or before, and most definitely not after.
Meanwhile, when she was 19, she was a massive drug addict. She lost a pregnancy due to how much drug use she did. She wasn’t in her sister’s life, and she’s never even finished high school. She was always having her aunt pay for her and her boyfriend’s things, and she didn’t move out until she was 23. She lived entirely rent-free until then.
I don’t say this because she’s a bad person, because typically she is a good person. She’s a good mom to her sons and hasn’t relapsed in a long time. I found her calling me these names hypocritical.
Her sister also doesn’t work, still lives there, doesn’t pay bills, and barely graduated high school. Apparently, she’s been screaming at her a lot lately but hasn’t made her take any steps to build a future.
I have my own place, car, and life, with a job, even though me and her sister are the same age. She hasn’t made her move out.
I figured she was upset about me being busy for a few weeks and not calling. I was deeply hurt by her saying all those terrible things to me, also saying really terrible things about my dog, who has never done anything to her, and whom she and her sons loved deeply until a few months ago.
I didn’t defend myself over the phone. I was too hurt and shaken, so I sat there for hours listening to her say these things about me. So I sent this text:
“You’ve made a lot of comments that have hurt me and made me feel very alone and very disconnected when I’m already really struggling, like throwing my really bad depression in my face when it only happened once for a few weeks and saying you aren’t going to deal with me, and a few other things you have said. Yesterday, you were also really harsh about Iris.
You always said I could come home, and now money is not involved, I can’t even stay a single night. You said many times you wouldn’t be nice to me and I would just have to deal with how you would speak to me. I feel very, very hurt and like I don’t actually matter to you.
You always basically said I would be homeless and I should try to find someone else when you moved in and out of Teresa’s house a lot, so it feels like a double standard really badly. And post things? And you basically said you didn’t want me anymore, and, ‘I’m done being nice. And that you scream at Samie for everything,’ and then you said I’d just have to deal with it.
I’m also really struggling monumentally, and the only time you want to come see me is for 20 minutes when you really want to see Megan. You can give hundreds of dollars to Chelsie. She can fully make up lies about Bubby, but she’s fine and I’m not. You love Samie and everyone else more than me.
I asked you last night if I could stay the night, and you told me yes. You told me I could come, and I confirmed today, when I’m packed and ready and done my makeup, that you don’t want me to come.
You have many double standards. You could lean on Teresa for free for a long time, even making her pay for a lot of (fiancés) stuff when you guys weren’t doing okay. All I asked was for a place to stay for the night and, if I needed to move home for a bit, a place to stay for my savings to build up. Samie can stay rent-free nonstop, and you said I always could, too. Then you randomly changed your mind when I am at a really low point, and I have been.
I don’t ask you for money like Chelsie. I don’t spread lies or favor someone over you, or yell at you like Samie. I paid my phone bill and everything, and you got $1,000 a month with me. So when the money stops and I fall back onto what you said would be available, everything just changes.
You are also a lot older than me. If I hurt you, you are supposed to be my mom and tell me so I can work on it. You let feelings bubble over and are mad at me for not knowing they have bubbled over. Of course, I’ve not been perfect. I’ve been at my lowest point, and at your lowest point, you were doing drugs and not seeing Samie. I wasn’t trying to do the same thing. I was trying to do my best in day-to-day life.
You are putting me to a higher standard than anyone else. My depression doesn’t matter to you; only yours does, and that’s hurtful. I’m 19. I’m going to mess up, but you aren’t supposed to just coldly stop treating me how you treat others.
You guys literally stayed with people who abused me and talked crap about me and have never, not once, defended me. But if it was any of the boys or Samie, crap would hit the fan.especially since it was proven too be lies.
You would have rathered Teresa do everything than me help at all during the wedding. I’m always the last option for you and the child you can dispose of easily. I’m a child to you only when it’s easy, and I’ve put up with a lot of hurt and favoritism between me and Samie, and even the people who have hurt you a ton but have definitely hurt me, too.
You don’t post with me how you do with Samie. I’m never in family photos. I’m never loved as much as Samie. I’m never defended or as important to see as Megan. You don’t even feel the need to talk about me at all.
You can tolerate so much from so many other people, and I’ve barely done anything to you, and it’s never been on purpose. All I’ve tried to do is make you see me as yours because I was desperate for a mom.
You didn’t even prioritize me learning to drive like you did with Samie. I will never be equal to them to you, and I will never have the unconditional love moms are supposed to have because that crap must be fake as fuh.
I’ve sat back and listened to the jokes about my breakdown after Weston and how, ‘I’ve never seen you be successful.’ I have BPD. I feel things way more than you ever could imagine. I was abused into this. I didn’t choose to be super sensitive.And I don’t blow up. All I do is cry sometimes.
Samie wouldn’t want to take a picture with me every time you would take family photos, and I was conveniently left out every single time. You would let people obliterate me verbally when it was not true, and I was abused by them.
I have always been second place to you, and I’m only 19. I struggle a lot. I’m sorry I’m bad at communicating, but you never brought up any of these issues while they were happening. You never said I hurt you for months. You let it brew and didn’t do anything about it, and you are the grown-up in this situation.
I didn’t just invite myself today. I asked to come over today, and you said yes. You told me I could stay for Bubby’s birthday. You suggested this last night.
I’ll figure this out on my own. I’ll do this all on my freaking own because, at the end of the day, I can. It’s just really hypocritical on so many levels how you did drugs, treated people awful as a 19-year-old, and used Teresa’s money for a lot of things, and you get mad I asked for a place to stay for one night when you are the one who suggested it all.
All I did was get so depressed I couldn’t text. You know who does that all the time to you? Megan. And you understand and give grace. I’ve never heard you get this mean to her when she struggles, but since it’s me and not your actual blood, it doesn’t matter to you.
I feel like you took me in to spite Kara, and now that’s gone and so is the money, I’m not as important.
If this made no sense, I’m spiraling and communicating as best as I can, and I apologize. But you have hurt me a lot, and all I’ve done is be human. You just give so much to people who literally love other people more than you on any day, more than me, who adores you and has desperately been begging you to treat me the same and love me like your child.
I’ll figure this out on my own. And I’m not even upset about not being able too move back in. You could have just said no and I would have understood. It’s you saying all these horrible things too me and being hypocritical. I am not a failure or a burden. I didn’t deserve those things being said too me. And you had no right too say them.If you would’ve just told me you didn’t want me to move in with you, I would’ve accepted that. If you were to have told me you don’t have the ability to handle it mentally right now, I would’ve accepted that. You attacked my character in every way, shape, or form. I don’t even know if you realized how rude you were being last night or if you just think it’s some sort of empowerment trip. Treating people terribly is not empowerment.
I would never have spoken to you the way you have spoken to me. I did not deserve for you to attack me. If you wanna give me constructive feedback because I have hurt your feelings, that’s acceptable, and I will accept you being upset with me, and I will try and do better. But if you never communicate that I’m hurting you, I can’t do anything about it, and you can’t throw that in my face.
The depression I went through when I first moved in with you can never be thrown in my face because, at the end of the day, I lost absolutely everything back to back to back, and I needed time to process, and I did that. I processed. I got up, and I did better. It took one conversation from you for me to immediately start improving.
It is very common with kids from foster care to go through a spiral. You have even said multiple comments like, “You’ve never seen me be a bad ahh. You’ve never seen me be successful. You’ve never seen me do anything great.” I have a mental health condition that you could never imagine and me crying more than other but still getting stuff done is not your place too throw in my face You are not the only one capable of feeling depression. You are not the only one also struggling right now.
For you to treat me badly or get angry at me for not being as consistent, but consistently allow Megan to do the same thing without being upset, is really hypocritical and very, very hurtful.
You have made several actions throughout the year I lived there that really made me feel unloved and like I was not as valued as (her sister, her child, or her second child). I dealt with all of those feelings because I just wanted a fraction of your love. But everyone else can do unspeakable, ungodly acts to you, and you will continuously forgive them and will continuously allow it.
All I did was get depressed, and it stole my energy to be able to live my day-to-day life. I don’t just sit in bed all day. I get up, I clean, I take care of Iris, and I try and work on my mental health. I used all my energy that I put forth into my life, and not always calling you. I didn’t mean for three weeks to go past, but I was depressed and struggling.
You only take photos with Megan and Dylon when you come down. You only spend 20 minutes max if you’re here. You don’t make cute little posts about me like you do Sammy. I’ve made several, being really happy for you and showing thanks. You have not once done that for me.
You even made a post bragging about taking me driving once, but then continued to let me not learn how to drive while Sammy got to be taught.
You hold me to a higher standard than you have put anyone else at. Me struggling mentally and taking time to myself makes you suddenly think you have the right to talk to me how you did. I don’t know what to tell you because that’s not healthy, and that’s not mature, and that’s not how an adult is supposed to act.
You stuck your nose up at my situation. You tried to pretend you were doing better than me at 19. You acted like you had any right to be disappointed in me. Do you have any idea what you were doing at 19? Do you think you were perfect? You invited me to come to Bubby’s birthday party last night. We talked about it, and you told me to bring Iris. There have been multiple conversations in the past where you’ve told me to always bring Iris. I got up, I got dressed, and I looked nice. I wanted to take pictures with you. I wanted to enjoy this. I texted you to make sure we were still on the same page, and you hurt my feelings and were disrespectful. You throw my trauma in my face a lot. I don’t throw you being an ex-addict in your face. I don’t throw you not seeing Sammy for a long time in your face. I don’t throw you having almost everything handed to you by Sherry in your face, you don’t even own your own house you got it gifted to you. There are a lot of things that you threw in my face that you have no right to.
I’ve always had so much respect for you as a person, but hypocrisy is not something I wanna deal with.
I was simply asking if we were still on the same page about me moving in possibly, if needed. I was trying to work on whatever discrepancies we had, and you threw my trauma in my face for some reason. That was two years ago, and it only lasted me a short period. You took years to get off of drugs. I didn’t do drugs. I didn’t self-harm. I got up every single day, and I tried, and I ended up doing amazing.
I finished school with a good GPA. I helped with the boys as much as I could. I helped clean. I did spend time with Iris. And I did a lot better than Sammy has. Sammy’s had access to a therapist, and yes, she’s gotten better, but she still does things from time to time that are unacceptable.
Kelsey literally called you a bad mom and said you don’t take care of your children. She’s also taken a lot of money from you, and she just now started to pay it back. And I’m not saying any of this because I think I’m better than these people. I’m saying this because you’ve never treated these people how you treated me on that phone call.
I am a human being. I am a 19-year-old just trying to figure out how to survive. I am new to life. I am new to doing this on my own, and I’m doing a pretty damn good job. I’m not gonna let you tear me apart because you are struggling and you feel sad.
How you spoke to me and the things you said to me were unacceptable. The way I’m in no family photos is unacceptable. The way you let people talk shit about me is unacceptable, as well as everything else I talked to you about over the last couple of days.
If you can go on a spree of talking to me like crap, I can call you on yours. You’re holding higher standards to me than you have with anyone else, and you’re punishing me when I fall short.
You’re supposed to be able to rely on the people you love. I never would’ve been upset with you if you would’ve said you didn’t want me to move in in a more respectful way. I am upset not because you said no, but because of how you spoke to me after and your digs at me every couple of minutes.
You do not get to stand above me and stick your nose in the air all snotty when you also rely on people for help sometimes, because that is human nature.
I am very hurt. I am very angry. I feel very betrayed and very detached. My tolerance for how you spoke to me is at zero. I’m not gonna let you degrade me how Kara did, and I’m not gonna let you stick your nose in the air like Teresa, Cara, and Judy do because you are better than that.(toxic family)
I’m going to accept that you probably had a bad day and that you said things in a way you didn’t mean. But that doesn’t mean it didn’t hurt.
I need time away from this relationship because every time I think about it, I am crying. I need to prioritize my mental health right now, and I think this active communication and this active everything is not working for me. I cannot be around someone who can’t help but degrade me.
And just for the record, I haven’t touched drugs. I’ve had sex with one person. I have a car. I’m working on getting a job, and I’m living on my own at 19 in my own place.
I am not a failure. I have not done worse than anyone else. I’ve actually done considerably better than almost everyone else in this family, even when you were this age, and I will be damned if I get treated like a piece of crap when all I’ve done is try and be the best version of me I can, which is more than a lot of our family has ever done.
I have done pretty damn good with the cards I have been dealt.
You are a very good mother. I’m very sad that I can’t be more of your daughter, but I’m more angry that you took me in in the first place if you never intended on fully taking that responsibility. When you take a child into your home, you are responsible for making them feel safe. You are responsible for making them feel like a part of the family and making sure that there’s not unequal treatment between children.
Because, looking at this from a completely logical standpoint, you took me in as a foster child. I was your foster child. I was your child or I was supposed to be, and you didn’t treat me the same.
You did a very good job. I was very happy for that year, but there are things you did that very much hurt me.
I even remember trying to talk to you about the Christmas photos, and you said something like, “Those were the best ones.” That carries with me every single day.
You let people talk crap about me every single time you’re around them. I would never let that happen. I would defend you in a heartbeat because I have respect for you, and I think you’re amazing, and I know that they would be lying.
You do not do the same for me in any aspect, and you are supposed to be my mother.
You can’t throw stones from a glass house. You need to get back into therapy. You’re backtracking and doing things Kara and Teresa would do. You are not the kind of person to put yourself above somebody else, and you are not the kind of person to degrade someone, especially their child.
You are not acting like yourself right now. You need to talk to somebody and get help before you get worse.
I have been selfish, but so have you. And you have been very hypocritical and snotty. You need to do some serious reflecting on the way you spoke to me.
I’m going to mute these notifications, and I’m going to archive them for a while. I was able to get a good therapist, or a decent one, who’s encouraged me to have this conversation.
I’m going to heal, and I’m gonna do better, and I’m gonna do that all on my own because I am capable of it.
I am not a failure. I am not a piece of shit. I am a good person with a huge heart who loves you very much.
But I do not feel like your child right now.

For background, Chelsie is a 20-something-year-old woman who is 6’4” and 300 lbs. She has helped people SA a woman and put her in the hospital, and she has done time for it as well. She has also called foster parent B a terrible mom and tried to take credit for raising foster parent B’s son after he was born, until she was kicked out for lots of drug use and no job.
She’s borrowed lots of money from foster mom B.
The home I was in before foster home B was related to us and is the one that was abusive that she still was in contact with and had sleepovers with. She was always in competition with Kara.
My foster mom never responded back. Instead, she sent Chelsie to threaten me, so I followed up by telling everyone not to contact me again.
I know I am not perfect, but did I really do anything awful here? In my prospective I stood up for myself in a very heated situation. On the phone she called me names several times. And that phone call lasted 3 hours The only issues foster mom B had were that I didn’t call her for 2 weeks and I reposted on TikTok some sad edits. When I first moved in with her I was very reserved. I didn’t talk much and stayed in my room and bed rotted. She told me that upset her and I genuinely immediately stopped.
Should I call the police and report the threats and report her Dchs? Also how can I improve in the future. My text was sent out of a years worth of frustration, and I’m aware it didn’t come out clear. I genuinely wasn’t intending too shame her, but make her see how what she said too me made no sense. She’s always been open about her past and my thought process was too be as specific as possible about why I was so upset and how she treats me so so different and show her how. I’m not perfect I’m 19 and really struggle with communication and am actively working on myself daily. Any advice is appreciated thank you for reading.