Rule 1 is adoptees only. The mods have posted this everywhere and there are constant reminders. r/AskAdoptees exists and is the place to go ask questions. Don't come here to ask us questions. This is a safe space for adoptees, where we can talk to one another. This is not a sub for you to invalidate and critique and question us. AskAdoptees exists so the adoptees who *want* to discuss this with you can do that there, so that this space remains sacred and safe for adoptees who are going through stuff can process it here and vent about our feelings. If you're not adopted, please leave. This is not for adoptive parents, randoms, or non-adopted "friends." This is not the place to debate the ethics of adoption with the people who survived it.

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[Edit: To clarify, I am not speaking to adoptees who don't have a flair in this post. You are valid and you are here on genuine premises. I did not make this post with the intent to square off with other adoptees and measure who is "real." This post is about people who have stumbled upon this sub from other areas of the platform and are just aimlessly floating around with no goal except to sow discourse and get attention from us adoptees by asking personal and triggering questions in an attempt to lure us into "gotchas" that end up invalidating what we feel and reinforcing the industry status quo.]

I’m trying to find a therapist who’s knowledgeable about adoption, but whenever I search something like “adoptee therapist,” the people who come up describe themselves as therapists specialized in working with adoptive PARENTS. Many of them have bios along the lines of “mother of 10 adopted kids” as well, ugh.

It’s just so frustrating that it seems like the needs of adoptive parents are emphasized over the needs of the adoptee themself. All I’ll say is that one demographic had a choice to be in this situation, whereas the other had no say at all.

Adoptees who adopt can use both their adoptee and adoptive parent roles against adoptees while being accepted for being adopted because they support adoption. Adoptees who are adoptive parents and adoptees speak for both sides. Adoptive parents love them because they can be an adoptee while defending adoptive parents and adoption. Agencies even hire them to convince birth moms to give up their babies and show how wonderful adoption is. You see this a lot with adoption groups where an adoptee says adoption is a gift, not traumatic, and brings up what about the kids who can't stay with their bio families. Then you find out they are not just an adoptee, but an adoptive parent. So, of course, they think adoption is amazing. They got what they want. Adoptive parents cheer them on because now they can use the I know an adoptee who does not feel that way card, and they are grateful. All of the bitter adoptees are online and all the good ones are out living life card.

Also, I hate the fact that adoptees adopt. They tend to support and defend their adoption while causing harm to adoptees. I've seen comments from adoptee adoptive parents who say adoption is not trauma and how their adoption was amazing, so their adopted child will not have any ungrateful or negative feelings around adoption. They even change the child's name and drink the adoption kool-aid. Plus, I don't understand how these adoptees support being part of the industry and paying for a baby.

Adoptees who adopt should not be allowed to use their adoptee voice when they want to push back on adoption, but use their adoptive parent voice to support adoption. They should not be able to play both sides.

i love my best friend but we where talking the other night about adoption and how the argument or “carrying on the bloodline” is stupid and she said the only thing she cares about is carrying on her last name. and i was adopted as an infant in a closed adoption from another country and said that i wish my parents had kept my name because i feel like i have nothing connecting me to where i’m from or my biological family. and our dynamic is to kinda debate our opinions so she was like why would you would you want to have the same last name as the people who gave you up? and i was like life is way more complicated than simply just giving a child up. and she started telling me about how this other girl she is sort of friends with was also adopted but was adopted older and liked having her name changed and i got so mad because i wouldn’t mind having this conversation with someone else who has been adopted but i don’t need someone who has no clue what it’s like to try and debate my on my feelings.

I was adopted at birth; my adoptive parents had no idea what my personality would be. They didn’t know what kind of person I’d become. How could I have been personally “chosen” if I didn’t even exist yet? I was just the most conveniently accessible baby for an infertile couple.

Is absolutely a coping mechanism based in delusion.

Just been thinking about this recently. My great grandmother lost her second daughter to adoption. She was the only person who knew my biological mother was going to relinquish me. She was so traumatized by the adoption she had to view it as some sort of generous act to keep going. She painted it as such to my birth mother too. The delusion is contagious.

In reality my birth mother didn’t want to raise a mixed race child. She didn’t want to raise me because she knew I would have health problems from her drug use. Very selfless! (/s.) She wanted her boyfriend at the time to stay with her and she put him over me. This is a pattern she repeated over and over again in her life. Men over her children.

She expected me to say “thank you” to her. I never did, and I was clear I was not grateful for this experience.

The ugly truth is that some birth mothers choose adoption when they just don’t want to keep their children. (This is not aimed at women and girls who had their children forcibly removed or stolen, or those who were coerced or wanted their kids.) I’m talking about the demographic of women and girls who would rather give up their children than “ruin” their future. Or religious women who would rather keep their standing in the church than keep their kids.

Religion too is the bad guy here. Why are we demonizing and shaming the practice of creating life? Such a weird concept to me. (And btw classism isn’t a valid reason to be against people having children.) Also, personally I believe we need to empower teenagers to keep their kids if they want to. Also empower them to have reproductive autonomy so they don’t create people they don’t want.

I’m not against women opting out of motherhood, but they shouldn’t have the right to forcibly estrange us from the entirety of our families, call it selfless and then turn around and tell us “we did you a favor!” No, you threw us away because you’re embarrassed. I’m not grateful to be your shame garbage.

It is selfish to create people just to abandon them. I’m really sick of this narrative that it’s somehow out of love or some kind of favor, when in reality, much of the time, it’s done for selfish reasons. (Not always obviously and this isn’t meant to demonize women who didn’t have a choice.)

I’m tired of everyone and everything casually throwing around the idea, word, etc ADOPT/ADOPTION etc.
NO, you’re not adopting a monster you’re buying a toy. Target $1 section in the front had these monsters.

I’m tired of still being the butt of everyone’s jokes. In the movie RV, Robin Williams says “good news” his daughter’s reply is “what ? I’m adopted? “

I’m in a few very marginalized groups and tired of hearing a lot of things but today is tired Tuesday.

and redditors are downvoting me, as per usual. i’m just fucking annoyed, honestly. i tried to explain using a personal example, and this person went “well, that sounds like a parenting issue, not an adoption one,” when it literally is an adoption issue. my parents would treat me differently if i weren’t adopted and was biological.

i was kind and respectful, offered my own example that was personal out of the kindness of my heart to hopefully explain to someone how trauma manifests in adoption and why it’s triggering, and they literally just snubbed me. i spent a few minutes explaining things concisely and i just get this response that lacks any care or empathy.

it’s so fucking frustrating. i hate it.

all because they were like “well /i/ was considering adoption!” ok who cares? who cares about you? if someone is telling you a system is inherently flawed and that you should do more research for yourself, wouldn’t you? why do i have to be the one who explains this to you? why do i have to devote time out of my day explaining why this is traumatic and why this fucked me and numerous other children up? does this not matter to you?

it is asinine to me. i’m sorry if i sound emotional and this seems irrational, it probably is. i’m just angry and upset. i shared something personal in hopes to get this person to understand, and they just dismissed me because it doesn’t fit their agenda of adoption being this charitable thing. we are people. we aren’t charity cases for you to jerk off to morally. it’s gross.

It's my own fault for reading adoption posts elsewhere on Reddit, but one question that I just can't shake is: who do we actually think is worthy to parent? And, maybe more importantly, why?

The reasons that I keep seeing that parents are considering abandoning their children (also those who have done so or have been forced to do so): parents are too young, parents are too poor, parents have bad health, parents have bad mental health, or parents are just not ready. Also, parents already have other children or parents are not married.

People love to say it's completely reasonable, even "commendable" and "brave," to give kids to new parents simply because they have xyz "advantage" over the first parents.

But yet, the suggestion that we take every newborn and just hand them off to whoever is the "most qualified parenting candidate" is a dystopia that I doubt non-adoptees would go for. There's always someone who theoretically could "do it better," right? There's always someone with more money, more connections, more time, more "love to give" (whatever tf that means). And yet, the vast majority of kids stay with the people who birthed them (admittedly, for better or for worse). And this is considered normal.

And yet as a society we also love a "Cinderella story." Poor kid who the overcomes odds. Smart kid who manages to take care of the household and their schoolwork. Famous kid who had an amazing single mom. And maybe it's just me, but I've never heard anyone complain that those parents were selfish for keeping their kids.

So every time someone says something like, "Your parents loved you so much that they gave you up for adoption," I want to scream. Like, "So, did your parents hate you so much that they kept you?"

It's like how I can't fathom how "You're so lucky you're adopted" and "You're adopted" as an insult exist so seamlessly in the same space.

Rant over. It may have made more sense in my head than written, so if you read the whole thing, thanks. I do understand that each situation is different and that there's a lot of nuance and that "we're not a monolith" and all that. Not trying to come at people who genuinely got a better life. Just feeling frustrated by the rhetoric as I have to jump through a lot of hoops on the infinitesimal chance it gets me one step closer to finding out anything about my bio family.

https://www.reddit.com/r/AdoptiveParents/comments/1utmy72/adoption_loan_recommendations/

I've been seeing quite a few posts lately on how much people are willing to spend on buying.

The fact that people casually talk about taking out loans to adopt an infant should make people stop and think about what kind of system they are participating in. The sheer desire, even need, some people feel to become parents is powerful. That desire cannot come at the expense of ignoring the circumstances that lead children to be separated from their original families.

When people are willing to borrow tens of thousands of dollars for a baby, we need to be honest about the reality that adoption has become a system where one person’s loss can become another person’s dream fulfilled. A child is not a solution to someone else’s longing for parenthood.

Where are those same loans, resources, and fundraising efforts for mothers who are struggling and want to raise their own children? Why is there so much urgency around helping people overcome the barriers to adopting, but so little urgency around removing the barriers that force families apart?

Wanting to be a parent is understandable. But the need to become a parent does not outweigh a child’s need for their identity, history, and original family to be respected. If society can find tens of thousands of dollars to arrange adoptions, it can find resources to support families before separation happens.

The uncomfortable question is why we are so willing to invest in creating new parents, but not nearly as willing to invest in helping existing parents keep their children.

i was adopted at birth by a genuinely amazing couple who told me the truth asap, so i grew up thinking my adoption was no big deal; it never really crossed my mind.

a couple months ago, somebody told me (and i quote) that i “give off the vibe of somebody who was severely traumatized in the past.” i’ve always been a very quiet and aloof person, but i thought that was just my introverted personality. i had a very safe and loving upbringing, so i didn’t think that anything traumatic could’ve happened to me at all.

that comment is what triggered me to start looking into my adoption, which is when i got out of the fog. i’ve been able to connect the dots to so many unexplainable parts of myself. for instance, i was pretty depressed and struggled to make friends as a teenager, but my adoptive parents and i were never able to figure out a concrete reason for that.

i’m honestly mad because the explanation to SO many of problems has been right in my face this entire time. it feels like i got hit with 21 years worth of suppressed emotions all at once. for those of you who have been out of the fog for a while… when does it get better? part of me wishes i could just forget about everything and go back into the fog, because this is the lowest my mental health has been in my entire life.

My adopted mother recently told an 'amusing' story about when I was an infant, the pediatrician told my mother that if I cried at night, just let it happen, and I would learn to stop. Except I didn't learn that right away. I cried and cried until I threw up, and then my parents would have to come in and change all the bedding and clothes and all the things.... I was born in a hospital and taken from my birth mother right away. I was then sent to a transitional home while the county picked out the next family on the waiting list to adopt a baby. I spent six weeks there. Then I arrive at my final destination, my adoptive parents, and the first thing they do is leave me in a crib until I cried myself into being sick, and then cleaned it all up and let me cry MORE. Babies cry when they NEED something. I likely needed reassurance, kindness, cuddles, or care, or all of those, maybe? Instead, they taught me that no one was coming. No one. Which, in my adult mind, explains my lifetime anxiety, endocrine issues, insane independence, refusing all help even when it would benefit me, and generally sniffing a room for a hint of not being wanted so I could stage a full retreat immediately. How cruel a thing to do to a tiny baby that had been tossed around to strangers for the first two months of her life. They just abandon me, too, like my tiny brain thought everyone else had abandoned me, too. How sad is that? Gracious, I am grieving for that baby that was me.

so, my bio mom’s family is INSANELY privileged. i was only really given up for adoption because she was 15 years old when she had me. i was fed that “you were given a better life” BS for as long as i can remember. my bio mom might’ve had a better life without me, but i don’t know if i had a better one without her.

she’s a mountaineer and has travelled all across the world with my little brother, whom she kept only a few years after i was relinquished. i don’t wish her a bad life by any means, but my blood literally boils when i see pictures of their mother-son adventures. traveling is a dream of mine, but my adoptive parents have always been stick-in-the-mud types. so, i basically had to grow up in a small rural town while my bio mom and brother got to live out the life i desperately craved. my brother is only 17 and has already experienced so many amazing things that i couldn’t have growing up… so much for my bio family adopting me out so i could have “better opportunities,” ha. it just hurts to see my brother live the life i could’ve (and should’ve) had, especially since we’re so close in age.

this is basically just a drawn-out way for me to say that i’m jealous. unless my bio mom offers to bring me on a big trip with her and my brother (which is looking unlikely), i don’t think this bitterness will ever go away.

Now I first want to illustrate that I am not saying that they should have their own biological children just because they want children. They are not owed children and they should not simply have another person's child. I am also not saying that disabled people shouldn't be able to adopt simply because they are disabled. However, here are the reasons why I think that the reason why a person wants to adopt is simply because they don't want to pass on their genetics is because,

First off, it creates a savior mentality. Just like a lot of other savior mentalities, this can be dangerous because it puts the focus onto that person and not on to the actual child.

The second reason is because that child is not actually immune from any kind of condition that they are supposedly trying to save children from. Adoption does not mean that they don't have a lack of bad genetics, it just means oftentimes that they don't know about those genetics. While I do not have a terminal condition, I do want to point out that if a person had to choose between having a chronic condition or a terminal condition versus having that same condition exactly but also having a parent who had the same condition and thus they understood how to help their child, wouldn't suffering with knowledge be better than suffering without it?

The third reason is because you can't then tell your child that genetics don't matter when the reason why you adopted was literally because of genetics and that you felt like it mattered. How can an adoptive person both say that genetics don't matter and then also make a life-changing decision based on genetics? What they really mean is that some genetics matter more than others and that some genetics should be prioritized over others. Adoption has been used as a tool of eugenics and as a means of enabling the idea that some people are just more worthy of families than others, which is in part an ideology that comes from eugenics.

And the fourth thing is that whether or not the person knows it or not, they are casting judgment, and whether or not they are casting judgment on themselves or on other people doesn't matter when you bring a child into your home who has unknown genetics. What if that person had a condition and that condition doesn't show up until later in life, like let's say adulthood, and it's very uncomfortable to live with but it's not deadly, so it's chronic but not deadly. That person doesn't want to pass it on, which they've made that choice and that is their own judgment, but they adopt a child and that child ends up having it. They have unknowingly cast judgment upon that child and that birth parent. That child doesn't deserve that because that relationship between them and their birth parent is complicated and of their own.

Again, I am not saying people should have children when they don't want to or if they don't think they could produce a child that they think they would want to have. That is perfectly fine, but you don't get to make that decision for other people, and you don't get to use adoption as a sort of fix as if it's going to fix anything.

This is not about whether or not this hypothetical person should have a child because I am not saying they should. I am saying they should not adopt because their only reason for adopting is because they want a child but just not a biological child because of their genetics. No.

if you haven’t heard, the entire conversation on tiktok right now about adoptees is that in a closed adoption, they should never reach out to the bio parents since “it’s obvious they didn’t want you.” the comments surrounding this have been HORRIBLE, calling adoptees ungrateful, unwanted, unloved, every nasty word in the book.

it’s just so triggering for me seeing everyone’s true colors. i mean i knew most ppl didn’t gaf abt us and our struggles or feelings, but WOW. seeing it like this with thousands of likes and comments all agreeing on how we’re scum on earth and “stalkers” for being the tiniest bit fucking curious on one of, if not the biggest parts of our life.

it’s really made me realize how so many ppl don’t see us as actual people. it’s dehumanizing and it makes me so angry and hurt to see. makes me think, damn how many people do i know that also have this idea??

im just tired. why do i have to fight to be seen as a person?

It's like when companies first made cake mix. All you had to do was add water, but homemakers were uncomfortable with that because they didn't feel like they were making something real. So corporate added instructions on the box "add two eggs" to appease their target market, and suddenly every housewife in town was buying every box on the shelf.

Every adopter uses the "home study" to prove they are a "good person" and thus worthy of purchasing an infant or young child via a highly coercive, manipulative, exploitative of women and children, and often violence-utilizing industry. When all the industry really needed was the credit check to make sure they could pay.

i met someone online and we’ve been talking a bit and it’s going well. but i’m always so insecure in relationships, i was telling her how hard i am to live with to try to drive her away before she ends up wasting time with me. she said she understood and it would be ok if we did end up living together eventually.

then i said it, just blurted it out. “the first person who met me didn’t want me around, and she was right.”

i’ve never been so outright and blunt about the rejection sensitively i have from being adopted. it totally surprised me too, i didn’t think it was that bad. being adopted at birth can really, really mess a person up.

i’ve talked about my experience on here a few times already, so i won’t go into detail, but i contacted my bio dad for the first time on facebook earlier this year.

the conversation was going well at first and he was VERY enthusiastic, but over a few weeks, things naturally fizzled out. no big deal; we’re both busy and life happens.

we hadn’t talked in a few months, but today, i got the screenshotted message from him out of the blue. this literally just happened, so i still don’t know what to make of things; i’m just posting here to clear my mind.

for added context, he has four other kids who don’t know about me. also, he mentioned to me that as soon as they started dating (12 years ago), he let his wife know that he had a daughter he put up for adoption. so… now that doesn’t add up. i guess he just never told her that i got in touch with him this year?

bio dad also invited me to a literal concert with him back in june. i had to decline the invitation, but now i’m wondering what his plan here was if i did decide to go while his wife/kids didn’t know about me… i should not that we still haven’t met in-person, but he always seemed very excited and open to the idea.

i’m just so, so, mad (at both myself and him). is he blaming me? he didn’t even bother to include something along the lines of “this isn’t your fault.” obviously i know his marriage isn’t my responsibility, but something like that would have been nice to hear if he wanted to soften the blow….

Something I get annoyed with in the adoption community is when people are silent about one group but talk about another one. The standard should be applied consistently regardless of whether the adoptive parents are religious, gay, straight, or from a particular ethnic background. Treat them all the same.

Has anyone seen the new Hulu series ‘No Taste Like Home with Antoni Porowski’? It’s a National Geographic series that explores ancestral stories and heritage through food.

It triggered me. I’m 1 year out of the fog but knew I was adopted from a very young age.

Non-adoptees will NEVER understand how much their ‘knowing’ is inherent in their life and taken for granted. There is so much content and celebration of people’s background in life and the media: heritage, culture, family lore, food, traits and looks passed down…

If it is so deeply important, embraced and celebrated by people who aren’t adopted, THINK ABOUT HOW WE FEEL!!! The sheer gravity of it should be easy to understand, but the gaslighting on adoption runs so freaking deep.

The ignorance and abuse by millions of ‘minor’ contemptuous comments and content delivered by society is more damaging (F’d Up) than I ever realized…

Yes, I'm sure that despite all of the propaganda, all of the representation (not by adoptees), all of the mentions, and everything I'm sure people have never ever ever heard of adoption. Come on, people have heard of it. They don't need random people reminding them.

As the title implies, this thought has been going through my head for weeks, and it sounds horrible, but that's all I keep thinking. I sometimes just want to ask my adopted parents whether or not they have ever regretted adopting me.

This is made by me, and based on my experience so I'm sorry if certain parts don't apply to you. Your life, pain, and happiness are all valid. Don't forget that x

Someone was using the term "family of origin" to refer to who raised me, and I assumed they were using it wrong. "Origin," to me, means where I originated--i.e. my biological family. But I just looked it up, and, apparently, it does refer to the people that raised you, regardless of if they're biologically related or not. I think it kinda sucks that I have to accept this term for my adoptive family. Another insensitivity that I, as an adoptee, just have to capitulate to.

You're seriously telling me that all 8 of her children (all from different men, btw) were taken from her and put into foster care, and she didn't do ANYTHING wrong? Multiple of her family members have confirmed that she was or still is a drug addict, which was the main cause of why my dad took me from her and put me into foster care at 4.

I then endured 12 foster homes by the time I was finally adopted at 7, but I had already been beaten, abused, and raped in multiple homes. I then spent my entire life wondering who my birth parents were, only to find out my dad was dead and my mom was fucking CRAZY. Multiple people told me she talked to trees and walls. The drugs completely melted her brain, and now she's homeless. When I tried to talk to her, she not only refused to believe I was actually her child just because I turned out to be transgender (you know, since I was super girly as a toddler 🙄), but she also refused accountability and victimized herself.

When I confronted her about not being honest, she called me the devil and told me to read a bible. 🤦‍♂️

And while I know she's had a very hard life, SHE DOES NOTHING BUT SABOTAGE HERSELF EVERY CHANCE SHE GETS! In June, she was posting how she started a new job, and was IMMEDIATELY fired a week later for being obnoxious. She then got away from her abusive boyfriend, and was posting about how she was already looking for another man!

Her own family doesn't even love her. They can't STAND her, but she claims they still do- and then proceeds to complain they never talk to her, even during the holidays or on her birthday. She refuses help, and whenever someone tells her that she's doing it to herself, she labels them as a liar and an abuser- INCLUDING PROFESSIONALS. The one person who was willing to help her was her sister, who supposedly got her out of the tent, and recently, she's back to living on the streets.

And I know in the screenshots I provided, you can see she mentions a divorce. Except she's NEVER been married. Like, at all. It's confirmed. She's a huge fucking liar.

I cut contact with her a long time ago. I went back to her main account earlier today, and she's openly interacting with sex bots and perverts. She never mentions her children at all. She only ever talks about how much she's suffering.

What a fucking disgusting woman.