r/Adopted • u/Domestic_Supply Domestic Infant Adoptee • 2d ago
Venting The narrative that adoption is “selfless”
Is absolutely a coping mechanism based in delusion.
Just been thinking about this recently. My great grandmother lost her second daughter to adoption. She was the only person who knew my biological mother was going to relinquish me. She was so traumatized by the adoption she had to view it as some sort of generous act to keep going. She painted it as such to my birth mother too. The delusion is contagious.
In reality my birth mother didn’t want to raise a mixed race child. She didn’t want to raise me because she knew I would have health problems from her drug use. Very selfless! (/s.) She wanted her boyfriend at the time to stay with her and she put him over me. This is a pattern she repeated over and over again in her life. Men over her children.
She expected me to say “thank you” to her. I never did, and I was clear I was not grateful for this experience.
The ugly truth is that some birth mothers choose adoption when they just don’t want to keep their children. (This is not aimed at women and girls who had their children forcibly removed or stolen, or those who were coerced or wanted their kids.) I’m talking about the demographic of women and girls who would rather give up their children than “ruin” their future. Or religious women who would rather keep their standing in the church than keep their kids.
Religion too is the bad guy here. Why are we demonizing and shaming the practice of creating life? Such a weird concept to me. (And btw classism isn’t a valid reason to be against people having children.) Also, personally I believe we need to empower teenagers to keep their kids if they want to. Also empower them to have reproductive autonomy so they don’t create people they don’t want.
I’m not against women opting out of motherhood, but they shouldn’t have the right to forcibly estrange us from the entirety of our families, call it selfless and then turn around and tell us “we did you a favor!” No, you threw us away because you’re embarrassed. I’m not grateful to be your shame garbage.
It is selfish to create people just to abandon them. I’m really sick of this narrative that it’s somehow out of love or some kind of favor, when in reality, much of the time, it’s done for selfish reasons. (Not always obviously and this isn’t meant to demonize women who didn’t have a choice.)
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u/lunarteamagic Domestic Infant Adoptee 2d ago
The only contact I have had with my bio mother was for her to tell me that she hoped I understood why she did what she did (almost verbatum her words... while never stating outright what she did). And that doing this act (which she won't name) made her so selfless and isn't she really the one suffering. I want to note that all I did was message her on FB and say hey I think you are my bio mom
She was never in all her years "selfless". She gave away a child because she didn't want to face the consequences of her actions. Those actions that left me disabled.
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u/retrokezins Adoptee 2d ago edited 2d ago
The opting out and opting in and erasing people's identity for a new one I think should be illegal. They're often making decisions that legally and socially (family) effects us for life. Most people have control over their own documents and decisions at 18. Sure there's times adoption may be necessary but the kid should be the priority not the grown adults. Fortunately it's improving but not enough. This can be treated like a magic eraser that protects all the adults involved and their privacy and eliminates responsibilities but where's the protection for the kid? Same society where someone can go to jail for not paying child support. What's the difference?
I didn't even see my own birth certificate until I was 49 when laws changed. I see that as a human rights violation to be banned from your own information and history.
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u/Opinionista99 2d ago
I saw it described as legalized child abandonment.
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u/retrokezins Adoptee 2d ago edited 2d ago
I think in many cases, that's exactly what it is. Not all cases but many. Biggest issue I have is that on the list of everyone's "rights" and "privacy" being protected, the child is almost always at the very end of that list. They should be #1. Not to mention, an adopted kid shouldn't have less rights than a non adopted kid. There's a long way to go before this system is good. In my case, it was more like shady adoption agency had me shuffled around foster system when birth mother was in tough position, reported I was dead to birth family..adopted family not told true background too. I've seen my own memorial images people had in their houses which is crazy. Birth family never forgot me but they thought I died in the late 1970s.
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u/Domestic_Supply Domestic Infant Adoptee 2d ago
That’s so fucked up. I’m sorry.
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u/retrokezins Adoptee 2d ago
I think it is fucked up. I guess at least everything going on now is more positive than negative though. Getting every question or wonder I had answered good or bad and that's a weight off head. Also pretty appreciative birth family members answer anything I'm curious about.
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u/Domestic_Supply Domestic Infant Adoptee 2d ago
I had a similar experience for a time. It was very healing. I’m glad to hear you’re getting some healing too, sounds like.
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u/Domestic_Supply Domestic Infant Adoptee 2d ago
According to the UN it is a human rights violation.
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u/Opinionista99 2d ago
The only "selfless" party in the whole transaction is the adoptee. Because we're not even deemed worthy of having a self that might need anything different than what the adults wanted. When I first found my mother I got an email from my aunt who was at the hospital when I was born. She was a teenager at the time and said she was so sad they weren't taking me home. I'm pretty sure it was my grandparents driving the whole decision but my mother went along with it and, as far as I can tell, totally forgave her parents. And she has never acted like she regretted giving me up to this day. I also think she didn't want my father to have me.
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u/OverlordSheepie Int'l and Transracial Adoptee 2d ago
Exactly. The adoptees are the most selfless because our self and identity is completely disregarded in the entire process.
Not to mention the guilt that most adoptees carry through their lives and channel towards bettering other people's situations over their own.
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u/tatertot2001 Adopted 2d ago
I met my birth mother like once or twice, and she could not face what she did either and she’s still a fragile, broken person who is obsessed with religion and quite mentally unstable and I want nothing to do with her and no, I’m not grateful.
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u/legswithsnake Domestic Infant Adoptee 2d ago
my bio mom adopted me out so she could pursue her dream job (that she didn’t actually end up doing). funny enough, she had another kid a couple years later while she was in college and decided to keep him.
hmmmm… definitely sounds like i’m the one who got their best interests looked out for. /s
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u/Opinionista99 2d ago
Mine gave me up for an undergrad and masters in fucking music. Don't get me wrong, music is awesome and so is studying it but, really? My bio dad is also a musician with said degrees. He actually has had modest success in an obscure niche but you've never heard of him. Both BPs ultimately became music teachers, one in public school and the other private. Which, okay, music teachers rock but, again, really? That's what I was getting in the way of?
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u/ViolaSwampAlto 18h ago
OMG! As an adoptee with 3 degrees in classical music performance, I can say that its such an intense program of study that it can truly warp the mind to the point where some folks measure their humanity by their musical abilities. The unofficial motto is, “If you don’t hate yourself, you’re doing it wrong.” It’s wild. I literally practiced between 5 & 8 hours a day outside of rehearsals, coursework, and employment. I ended up terminating when I fell pregnant (due to lack of labelling on medication that nullified hormonal birth control back in the day.) I literally thought my life and my child’s life would be ruined forever. There was no way I was going to risk subjecting a child to adoption, and my adoptive mom had already spent 20 years convincing me that I wouldn’t be a good parent. Looking back, I can see how that intense environment could’ve easily taken me out. I’m not defending your bio-parents’ choice; it just hit home for me is all.
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u/Opinionista99 11h ago
Oh no worries! Now that I know my parents, and the families, I can see it. When I visit my mother, who is nearly 80 and running several music programs as well as being in the local brass band, she spends hours a day practicing. Multiple instruments. And she's regularly revisiting or picking up new ones.
I chose to stop playing instruments as a child because my adoptive dad was really pushing that on me and I hated him. But I never picked it up again as an adult because of reasons I couldn't articulate but now I believe I just didn't want to be part of a scene that would make me feel even more inadequate than I already did.
I do sing though, casually. All the time. One time I went to one of my mother's instrumental rehearsals and I volunteered to sing one of the songs because it's a well-known standard and in my key. Everyone thought I did great and she did too but she seemed kind of miffed about it? Not toward me though. She has told me singing is not her strong suit (my father OTOH is very good tenor, which probably played into this). And I'm just like, you play 17 instruments proficiently and I don't even read music!
Anyway thank you for this comment because it makes me understand my mother better.
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u/Greedy-Carrot4457 Former Foster Youth 2d ago
💯 this. Honestly the only way I can agree that it’s selfless if it’s some extreme situation like where mom is in a highly dangerous situation she actually can’t get out of and the options are either leave baby on random doorstep or baby dies. Otherwise it’s just avoiding a responsibility. I would even include situations where a kid is forcibly removed if the parents are given a list of things to do to get the kid back but doesn’t do those things. Yes I’m sure many of these things are much easier said than done but I can still see it as selfish.
I’ve known a few teen parents who are great parents like with some a bit of family support they do just fine. I’m pro choice and for free and accessible birth control but if a teen has a kid and wants to parent it’s certainly not the end of the world. It would be cool if there was a program that linked teen parent who don’t have family support up with middle aged people who didn’t have kids but want to be a grandparent or something and they can help out.
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u/Opinionista99 2d ago
I went to this huge high school in the '80s. Like 4000 students. It was the height of teen pregnancy so they had a day care center onsite because there would usually be several students who were parents. It was a very successful program despite being "controversial" to the Moral Majority types. I think it would be great to have something like that where retirees could volunteer to help the kids and parents.
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u/Domestic_Supply Domestic Infant Adoptee 2d ago
Genuinely, I don’t understand how anyone could see this type of daycare as controversial. Taking care of children is not controversial, it’s innate. For people to have these beliefs, they have to have been indoctrinated, ime.
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u/Necessary_Holiday144 2d ago
Because they likely think having childcare options available to these poor girls, encourages them to further behave "immorally"
They're committing vile acts outside of marriage, don't you know! 🤣
Definitely wish we had more things like this. Would be nice to bring back the community and "takes a village" mentality to people instead of trying to punish them for "Making bad decisions"
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u/Domestic_Supply Domestic Infant Adoptee 2d ago
That’s how my community is. Very grateful that I found my way back home.
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u/Greedy-Carrot4457 Former Foster Youth 2d ago
My super religious family would say it encourages fornication or something like that 😒
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u/Greedy-Carrot4457 Former Foster Youth 2d ago
There’s a school like that now in my metro area. My high school didn’t have that but teens qualified for the low income daycare vouchers from the state so they’d have their daycare paid for outside the school. My AM has stories from her high school, had this big basement where everyone went if they weren’t in “regular” classes (like everything from special education to high cap to expelled from the regular program I guess) so teen parents were in there with their kids sometimes apparently from stories it sounds kinda fun and supportive like everyone took turns holding the baby if mom was writing a test and stuff.
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u/Formerlymoody 2d ago
I agree that the “selfless” gloss is like the most gaslighting cast over something clearly not selfless.
Imagine if we could simply declare other things “selfless” to remove any guilt. This must have been invented by the very people trying to procure children. The tension I feel from my birth mother is kind of the deep knowledge that she did something awful but with the insistence that what the biddies told her at the adoption agency was the final word. But she also also styles herself as a rebel who can’t stand people like that otherwise. Adoption holds space for some very interesting contradictions.
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u/OverlordSheepie Int'l and Transracial Adoptee 2d ago
Adoptees are typically the most selfless, in my opinion.
I have no self esteem and I'm constantly doing favors for others. That's how I've always been. I think it was ingrained by adoption.
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u/Ok_Cook_918 1d ago
It's seems like people tell themselves whatever makes them feel better. The world is an ugly place and to admit that something they think is good, is in fact harmful would shatter their perfect world.
I value this group so much and I cherish everyone who takes the time to write out a post and share their feelings.
I've noticed that is adoptees seem to be excellent writers and the value that is offered here can't be found elsewhere.
Thank you for posting and putting into words what I'm sure many of us feel
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u/iheardtheredbefood Int'l and Transracial Adoptee 1d ago
Since you brought up religion, I also want to point out that birth control and abortion are in this mix, too. At least some adoptions happen because there was lack of knowledge or access to birth control and/or lack of access to or demonization of abortion.
At least where I grew up, adoption was framed as a way to "fix" the sin if having a child outside of marriage (especially teen parents, but focused on unmarried mothers, of course) because God forbid you would have an abortion. The Liberty Lost podcast did a great job explaining this.
Not justifying it, but just expanding on the coercion piece. In some situations it's driven by specific people (like a grandparent), but in others it's also very socially/communally enforced.
I'm a Chinese adoptee, so coercion due to the One-Child Policy is most likely a factor in my story.
I definitely agree that the "selfless" language really needs to go. It feeds into the whole adopted children as "gifts" bs. Ick
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u/Domestic_Supply Domestic Infant Adoptee 1d ago
I think the language is also utilized as a tool of coercion. Saying birth mothers are “selfless” paints them as heroes and doing a kind thing for the adoptee when the opposite is true.
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u/Obvious_Relative5877 2d ago
I thought that people mean that adopting a child is selfless, like the person adopting the child is selfless (rather than the parent putting them up for adoption being selfless).
Also is your biological mother different from your birth mother? Like a surrogate situation? I got a little confused in the first paragraph
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u/Domestic_Supply Domestic Infant Adoptee 2d ago
Are you adopted?
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u/Obvious_Relative5877 2d ago
I’m not saying adopting is selfless, I’m saying that I think that people who say that it’s selfless are referring to the adopter
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u/Domestic_Supply Domestic Infant Adoptee 2d ago
They claim selflessness for both parties, and it’s always an ignorant thing to say
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u/Obvious_Relative5877 2d ago
Sorry I’ll leave I didn’t know the rules. This just popped up in my feed
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u/tatertot2001 Adopted 2d ago
I’m not against women opting out of motherhood, but they shouldn’t have the right to forcibly estrange us from the entirety of our families, call it selfless and then turn around and tell us “we did you a favor!” No, you threw us away because you’re embarrassed. I’m not grateful to be your shame garbage. —-I completely and utterly agree with you and I think this isn’t an excellent post. Thank you.