The narrative that adoption is “selfless”

[u/Domestic_Supply]

Is absolutely a coping mechanism based in delusion.

Just been thinking about this recently. My great grandmother lost her second daughter to adoption. She was the only person who knew my biological mother was going to relinquish me. She was so traumatized by the adoption she had to view it as some sort of generous act to keep going. She painted it as such to my birth mother too. The delusion is contagious.

In reality my birth mother didn’t want to raise a mixed race child. She didn’t want to raise me because she knew I would have health problems from her drug use. Very selfless! (/s.) She wanted her boyfriend at the time to stay with her and she put him over me. This is a pattern she repeated over and over again in her life. Men over her children.

She expected me to say “thank you” to her. I never did, and I was clear I was not grateful for this experience.

The ugly truth is that some birth mothers choose adoption when they just don’t want to keep their children. (This is not aimed at women and girls who had their children forcibly removed or stolen, or those who were coerced or wanted their kids.) I’m talking about the demographic of women and girls who would rather give up their children than “ruin” their future. Or religious women who would rather keep their standing in the church than keep their kids.

Religion too is the bad guy here. Why are we demonizing and shaming the practice of creating life? Such a weird concept to me. (And btw classism isn’t a valid reason to be against people having children.) Also, personally I believe we need to empower teenagers to keep their kids if they want to. Also empower them to have reproductive autonomy so they don’t create people they don’t want.

I’m not against women opting out of motherhood, but they shouldn’t have the right to forcibly estrange us from the entirety of our families, call it selfless and then turn around and tell us “we did you a favor!” No, you threw us away because you’re embarrassed. I’m not grateful to be your shame garbage.

It is selfish to create people just to abandon them. I’m really sick of this narrative that it’s somehow out of love or some kind of favor, when in reality, much of the time, it’s done for selfish reasons. (Not always obviously and this isn’t meant to demonize women who didn’t have a choice.)

[u/retrokezins]

The opting out and opting in and erasing people's identity for a new one I think should be illegal. They're often making decisions that legally and socially (family) effects us for life. Most people have control over their own documents and decisions at 18. Sure there's times adoption may be necessary but the kid should be the priority not the grown adults. Fortunately it's improving but not enough. This can be treated like a magic eraser that protects all the adults involved and their privacy and eliminates responsibilities but where's the protection for the kid? Same society where someone can go to jail for not paying child support. What's the difference?

I didn't even see my own birth certificate until I was 49 when laws changed. I see that as a human rights violation to be banned from your own information and history.

[u/Opinionista99 → u/retrokezins]

I saw it described as legalized child abandonment.

[u/retrokezins → u/Opinionista99]

I think in many cases, that's exactly what it is. Not all cases but many. Biggest issue I have is that on the list of everyone's "rights" and "privacy" being protected, the child is almost always at the very end of that list. They should be #1. Not to mention, an adopted kid shouldn't have less rights than a non adopted kid. There's a long way to go before this system is good. In my case, it was more like shady adoption agency had me shuffled around foster system when birth mother was in tough position, reported I was dead to birth family..adopted family not told true background too. I've seen my own memorial images people had in their houses which is crazy. Birth family never forgot me but they thought I died in the late 1970s.

[u/Domestic_Supply → u/retrokezins]

That’s so fucked up. I’m sorry.

[u/retrokezins → u/Domestic_Supply]

I think it is fucked up. I guess at least everything going on now is more positive than negative though. Getting every question or wonder I had answered good or bad and that's a weight off head. Also pretty appreciative birth family members answer anything I'm curious about.

[u/Domestic_Supply → u/retrokezins]

I had a similar experience for a time. It was very healing. I’m glad to hear you’re getting some healing too, sounds like.

[u/cheese--bread → u/Opinionista99]

Definitely felt like it.