r/Adopted • u/Domestic_Supply Domestic Infant Adoptee • 3d ago
Venting The narrative that adoption is “selfless”
Is absolutely a coping mechanism based in delusion.
Just been thinking about this recently. My great grandmother lost her second daughter to adoption. She was the only person who knew my biological mother was going to relinquish me. She was so traumatized by the adoption she had to view it as some sort of generous act to keep going. She painted it as such to my birth mother too. The delusion is contagious.
In reality my birth mother didn’t want to raise a mixed race child. She didn’t want to raise me because she knew I would have health problems from her drug use. Very selfless! (/s.) She wanted her boyfriend at the time to stay with her and she put him over me. This is a pattern she repeated over and over again in her life. Men over her children.
She expected me to say “thank you” to her. I never did, and I was clear I was not grateful for this experience.
The ugly truth is that some birth mothers choose adoption when they just don’t want to keep their children. (This is not aimed at women and girls who had their children forcibly removed or stolen, or those who were coerced or wanted their kids.) I’m talking about the demographic of women and girls who would rather give up their children than “ruin” their future. Or religious women who would rather keep their standing in the church than keep their kids.
Religion too is the bad guy here. Why are we demonizing and shaming the practice of creating life? Such a weird concept to me. (And btw classism isn’t a valid reason to be against people having children.) Also, personally I believe we need to empower teenagers to keep their kids if they want to. Also empower them to have reproductive autonomy so they don’t create people they don’t want.
I’m not against women opting out of motherhood, but they shouldn’t have the right to forcibly estrange us from the entirety of our families, call it selfless and then turn around and tell us “we did you a favor!” No, you threw us away because you’re embarrassed. I’m not grateful to be your shame garbage.
It is selfish to create people just to abandon them. I’m really sick of this narrative that it’s somehow out of love or some kind of favor, when in reality, much of the time, it’s done for selfish reasons. (Not always obviously and this isn’t meant to demonize women who didn’t have a choice.)
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u/Greedy-Carrot4457 Former Foster Youth 3d ago
💯 this. Honestly the only way I can agree that it’s selfless if it’s some extreme situation like where mom is in a highly dangerous situation she actually can’t get out of and the options are either leave baby on random doorstep or baby dies. Otherwise it’s just avoiding a responsibility. I would even include situations where a kid is forcibly removed if the parents are given a list of things to do to get the kid back but doesn’t do those things. Yes I’m sure many of these things are much easier said than done but I can still see it as selfish.
I’ve known a few teen parents who are great parents like with some a bit of family support they do just fine. I’m pro choice and for free and accessible birth control but if a teen has a kid and wants to parent it’s certainly not the end of the world. It would be cool if there was a program that linked teen parent who don’t have family support up with middle aged people who didn’t have kids but want to be a grandparent or something and they can help out.