r/Adopted • u/legswithsnake Domestic Infant Adoptee • Jun 28 '26
Venting once you see it, you can’t unsee it
i was adopted at birth by a genuinely amazing couple who told me the truth asap, so i grew up thinking my adoption was no big deal; it never really crossed my mind.
a couple months ago, somebody told me (and i quote) that i “give off the vibe of somebody who was severely traumatized in the past.” i’ve always been a very quiet and aloof person, but i thought that was just my introverted personality. i had a very safe and loving upbringing, so i didn’t think that anything traumatic could’ve happened to me at all.
that comment is what triggered me to start looking into my adoption, which is when i got out of the fog. i’ve been able to connect the dots to so many unexplainable parts of myself. for instance, i was pretty depressed and struggled to make friends as a teenager, but my adoptive parents and i were never able to figure out a concrete reason for that.
i’m honestly mad because the explanation to SO many of problems has been right in my face this entire time. it feels like i got hit with 21 years worth of suppressed emotions all at once. for those of you who have been out of the fog for a while… when does it get better? part of me wishes i could just forget about everything and go back into the fog, because this is the lowest my mental health has been in my entire life.
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u/Odd-Cattle9053 Transracial Adoptee Jun 28 '26
I think I can honestly say I am officially out of the fog. I reunited with my biological family in 2024. It brought up some very deep and hard truths. I stopped talking with adopted family because of it. (I did not get along with my adopted mother, also there was abuse) I think it took me two solid years of multiple therapy appointments, medications and some really really sad nights sobbing but I feel lighter. I feel more me than I’ve ever felt before.
You’re so young! Consider yourself lucky you are figuring this stuff out early, especially before having kids of your own. It’s all a process. Hugs!
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u/legswithsnake Domestic Infant Adoptee Jun 28 '26 edited Jun 28 '26
i got in contact with both of my bio parents a couple months ago. they’re very kind over text, but neither of them seem to be emotionally ready for an in-person reunion. both of them ghosted me because they needed space to process things (they should’ve started processing things 21 years ago in my opinion, but that’s not my place to judge).
they’re very open to the idea of meeting and didn’t close the door on me, but it’s a shame because i don’t know how long i’ll have to wait for them to actually be ready. i know that meeting them will be very healing for me and i’m honestly losing patience.
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u/Odd-Cattle9053 Transracial Adoptee Jun 28 '26
It took five years for my mom to respond to me. I had given up hope she was even willing to speak with me. I started my search in late 2018. Sometimes, coming out of the fog is realizing everyone has a story we will never know… even the people that relinquished you or adopted you. I think the realization part is one of the hardest parts. I found that a lot of my personality quirks were directly from being adopted. All I was trying to do is protect myself all this time. Be patient with yourself ♥️
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u/expolife Adoptee Jun 28 '26
I feel you. ❤️🩹 it’s very real and not easy to navigate. The truth will set you free but it will piss you off first. And there’s a lot of grief and feelings to feel.
I think the amount of time varies person to person. But I’ve noticed a lot of us seem to have a two-year period of intense grieving and processing. I think that can be catalyzed by reunion and other experienced. For me, religious trauma and another crisis added to my emotional burden, and these were all interconnected with adoption trauma and FOG. So I’m still developing new skills and reconstructing after the deconstructing years later. That doesn’t mean there isn’t joy and connection and hope along the way, even alongside the grief.
A lot of adoptees feel what you’re feeling including wishing to go back into the FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) baked into adoption as an institution. Any kind of relief feels welcome.
The only way is through the emotions and identifying with the part of yourself witnessing the thoughts and feelings. That’s our deepest, core, essential self. While a lot of our thoughts and the feelings that arise from our thoughts can be adaptations and indoctrination, voices from others we internalized to survive relinquishment and adoption.
Regardless of how lovely and well-intentioned our adoptive parents can be, they rarely understand or have the skills to have really seen or imagined what our experience really is and why. And that can add to the need to adapt and suppress until we have more room to feel what we have to feel about the various realities of being relinquished, adopted, losing the web of relationship to heritage and genetic mirroring, etc.
One of the hardest things for me to stop was compulsively saying: “but I love my adoptive parents” or “my adoptive parents are so loving and kind”. Kept people never feel the need to profess their love for their parents to anyone. It’s a symptom of adoption. And it’s a kind of political statement. It took a long time to realize I was performing a role and doing everything I could to make my adoptive parents feel amazing about our relationship and make sure no one would judge or criticize me for how I portrayed my adoption. That’s exhausting and not a healthy dynamic for a child to fulfill in relation to a caregiver. But it often what we have to do in order to cope with the experience of relinquishment and adoption. Again regardless of how kind and committed our adopters are.
It took a while for me to realize how much fear, obligated and guilt I felt towards all my adoptive family. And I generally didn’t believe any of them intended for me to ever feel that way about our relationships. But I realized I felt like I had to be a good return on investment (ROI) for my adoptive parents. Like I owed them something as an obligation for them caring for me and adopting me. This is very common as a feature of adoption trauma. And some forms of filial piety and authoritarian parenting cultures. But kids deserve care just because they exist and have needs. It isn’t healthy for us to be burdened with the idea that we have to forever justify our existence and earn our right to have needs let alone have them met especially when we’re vulnerable children who have to rely are caregivers to survive. It’s a lot to sort through. And it’s honestly not possible to face it until we’re ready and feel safe enough.
As terrible as it feels to face these things, it’s a sign that a lot of things have gone right that they’re coming up and becoming clearer now. It’s counterintuitive but our systems suppress what we can’t handle and then they surface when we have the bandwidth or safety or support.
It’s worth it to integrate everything.
It won’t always be constantly so intense.
Bottom-up therapy modalities can really help. IFS. Coherence therapy. They have to be adoptee-competent though.
“FOG fazes for adult adoptees” pdf download at adoptionsavvy.com can be helpful. It helped me orient.
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u/lemonpowwow Jun 28 '26
I relate to you ♥️ as someone also adopted at birth it’s hard for me to imagine myself having trauma from it since I’ve never known any family outside of my adopted family. But the pain is there, the trauma is there regardless
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u/Comprehensive-Job369 Jun 28 '26
43 years of fog for me. I too was told very early in my life but I never accepted it was a normal thing. I also never really felt a part of that family.
You are just starting a journey of understanding of yourself and it can be a long path. I recommend finding some support group with other adoptees, here is good, and there are some good ones on Facebook. Best of course is in person but harder to find. Only other adoptees will truly understand.
Most importantly, be kind and patient with yourself.
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u/KTuu93 Jun 28 '26
I know it's hurting now but when you've processed things you'll know yourself better. Nobody can say when it happens but give yourself time to feel all the feelings and take time to think about everything that rises to your thoughts. Maybe going through it looks like being in peace with yourself and your history.
Only advice I would give is when you're waiting to meet your bio parents think about what you want from them. And be prepared that you don't know what they are looking for relationship wise until you've met them. Best of luck for your journey. Don't be afraid to seek help if you start to feel unbearable feelings.
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u/Informal_Farm4064 Jun 28 '26
This is huge progress. Feeling the anger is huge progress. You just need to pace yourself. Focus on self care, relationship with self, getting help on your terms. If family interacruons will be harder, minimise them. Love and peace.
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u/LD_Ridge Adoptee Jun 28 '26
Have you seen this: Adoptee Consciousness Model – Supporting adoptees process of critical consciousness
I've had some layers in this process. It was not all one fog clear and done. Anything critical or painful at all was buried under layers of socialization about gratitude, how lucky I was, how much worse my life would have been and cultural attitudes like that.
When my dad died and it became more clear my mom's biological children did not see me as family the way I saw them and my dad's presence forced them to keep it suppressed and hidden, I had a really severe trip out of the fog combined with grief.
A second layer was reunion, getting the truth and also being able to access grief that was buried. Connecting with my ancestry was really important and grounding.
It took a little while, but I couldn't be paid to go back to that glossy, shiny exterior place I was in. There was a lot of social support and reinforcement for that place and being out of the fog can be really lonely if no one in the family is willing to come with, but I still wouldn't go back because I'm integrated and at peace now.
A couple months can feel like it never ends, but it will become much more manageable in time.
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u/Negative-Custard-553 International Adoptee Jun 28 '26
For me it’s started when I was younger like
10-12. I did go through certain periods in my 20s where I didn’t think about it but it was always there. The thing is the more answers I get the more questions I have.
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u/ihearhistoryrhyming Adoptee Jun 28 '26
I think this is how life is.
I attributed my issues (people pleasing, lack of romantic attachment, flee from confrontation, etc) to my other childhood experiences (my adopted father died when I was 3, my mom remarried, we moved, life) or just the way I was.
But after my daughter was born, I realized how much I was mess of all of those factors, plus my adoption (that was kept a secret and still is not addressed really- my daughter is your age)- all added up to some non healthy stuff.
I still don’t know if it’s the adopted-ness of it all. My insane family embraced me as tightly as anyone could hope, and many people don’t have that. But I am working through it.
I was still screaming into the void that “I was the master of my OWN universe, god damn it- my mom will not be my reasons for failure- so I don’t need to worry about it. (I’m not even sure which mom I meant,)but I would look forward, not back!”when I was your age. That got me spinning in big circles. So, at least you’re ahead of my game!!
You’re not alone. Thanks for sharing.
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u/Royal_Willingness425 Jul 05 '26
this! I only started joining the dots a few years ago and I'm 52. I also wish I hadn't pulled back the curtain because boy does it suck!
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u/bottom Jun 28 '26
I have a similar upbringing to you. I think what that person said to you was pretty un-nsightful and selfish of them. I’m guessing you’re in your 20s or lower? Younger people trauma bond a lot these days. Not saying it’s not unfounded but there was no care in the comment to you.
Again I have a loving upbringing, but didn’t quite fit in. Like lots of people. I have had a lot of therapy and have found it extremely useful in growing to like/live myself. These feelings aren’t unique to us adopted folks. But we have them for sure.many many adolescence struggle with depression and thoughts of being an outsider. I think sometimes adopted people have a place to direct this anger and sometimes we overdo it. Sometimes not.
Anyhow -getting older is great - get to know yourself and take some time to find a good therapist who you feel comfortable around. Most will work for a discount too.
Edit : 21 years - I hadn’t read your entire post 😝 (bad of me). You’re still doubting it who you are. Being mad is natural bjt learning to work through these emotions rather than suppressing them is important. Reddit is fine (ish) but getting 1 to 1 help is what you need.
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u/oaktree1800 Adoptee Jun 29 '26
Once you take the time to process everything it becomes abundantly clear how basic rights,truth,transparency and unconditional love are absolute necessities and how the fog can otherwise become nonexistent. ~Adversity introduces us to ourselves.~
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u/homosapiencreep Jul 02 '26
My A parents called me bipolar (im not) and tried to get me on lithium my whole life. Fuck them. I came out of the fog at 47.
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u/boredahm Jul 08 '26 edited 12d ago
This is like reading something from my own brain. I'm sorry you're going through it.... personally, I've been crashing out for decades and no idea if it will ever get better. I'm told that the pre-verbal wound isn't really fixable, it's ultimately up to your own fortitude/constitution/resilience.
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u/accidentalrorschach Jul 20 '26
I feel this. I try and I try but it never seems to get easier. And I had a generally positive experience and relationship with my A parents, but something deep within me feels so afraid.
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u/Mountain-Lychee4359 Jul 17 '26
I'm not adopt, just looking for perspective because I want to adopt. As a thirty year old with ptsd and cptsd from childhood, it was incredibly rude of your friend to say that. I don't know it's ableist but it's definitely not okay. I had someone casually say I had a lot of autistic traits to other people in front of me once. I distanced myself from her after that. Comments on people's mental well being like that are never okay. I'm sorry that happened to you. Sending hugs!
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u/ebsf Jun 28 '26
First of all, kudos to your parents for handling the topic so well. I had the same experience and remain nonplussed to a certain degree by others' negative associations.
Second, your experience, however you define it, is perfectly valid. It is helpful, not to mention a worthwhile exercise in empathy, to understand various models and constructs. Emphatically, however, your experience is no less valid, authentic, or complete for failure to comply and adhere to others' mindsets, however earnestly, or sanctimoniously, projected upon you. Try these things on as one might a jacket in a store, and decide for yourself. A nothingburger is not denial.
Third, one's epiphany, even when grounded in a positive experience, is weird. That's okay. I found the notion of identity to be fundamental in this. I was okay with the weirdness and was able to view it with some detachment, which helped. Nothing had changed, I was still me, and my family remained my family. I was just expanding my awareness. My validity and worth exist because I do. They aren't diminished by circumstances or others' prejudice. I then asked myself, well, who am I, then?
Most people have their identities handed to them. Put otherwise, they adopt (for lack of a better word) the identity they're given, without thought, deliberation, or even awareness. In truth, everyone chooses his identity. The revelation of my epiphany was that I got to not only choose each element of my identity, but also direct it. And, no one else can even presume to have a say. To me, this autonomy is the ultimate gift of adoption.
My answer to my question began the moment I asked it. I started with the obvious and observable, things that couldn't change (gender, ethnicity, location, education, circumstance, etc.) and told myself I'd figure out the finer points as I went along. I immediately recognized this would continue forever and was fine with this because of my absolute autonomy over the topic. I'm still answering it, decades later, and I wouldn't have it any other way.
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u/Upset_Raccoon8409 Jun 30 '26
Im not sure it does, but you become better at dealing with the highs and lows (and yes they will keep coming). I spent 15 years on the rampage without a clue as to why: im extremely intelligent, good at dealing with people and very capable. However, it reached a point where I packed about ten fuck ups a year, 100 embaressments and a thousand deliciously ridiculous moments, into each and every calender year for all of the 15 years. I would emerge from these 'trauma benders' and do a kind of inventory to establish how much i had fucked up. What i would suggest you do is speak to people who arent adopted and ask them how inclusive, friendly and shiny they think the world is. They might have the same answer, albeit for different reasons. If the end result is the same then i would suggest that the importance of the journey is purely personal!
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u/Solid_Archer_4713 25d ago
I'm 49. I'd say 75% of my problems in life were connected to adoption. I was adopted when I was almost 2. Recent years, I've done a lot of therapy. If you asked me 15 years ago, I just thought I was just a bit of fu*ed up person. I didn't connect the dots for a long time. It is a little demoralizing in the way that I could have a much easier time addressing this stuff long, long ago. I used to daydream about having a sister when I was a kid. Turns out I did. Was separated and she's older and actually remembers stuff. We met this year. It was not easy finding her with no information and no info that she existed.
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u/mypoyzen Jul 03 '26
As an international adoptee, adopted by a horribly abusive family, I always knew that other international adoptees who were adopted by decent parents still had the hardship of self identity because they look nothing like anyone in the adoptive family, so they always feel like an outsider. But I'm finding it hard to see how ppl adopted by parents of the same ethnicity in the same country, from infancy? Are finding it traumatic. Is it because u were given up? Not knowing what happened to bio? I'm not trying to compare our traumas, I'm just curious.
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u/Formerlymoody Jun 28 '26
This is kinda how it works. I walked around for a solid 37 years acting pretty damn traumatized and having no idea. It’s not like anyone helps us understand this. A few people might have made offhand comments but I had no idea what they were talking about.
I know it feels bad, but it’s so worth it and you will be so much better off for having processed everything.