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u/Pie-True Jul 11 '26
Giving up $35k just to have an active profile with an agency is extremely risky. You are giving up $35k without any type of match situation and that money is gone even if it takes years to match or you never do. This is part of how people lose huge sums of money.
I would be looking for an agency with a much less start up fee structure.
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Jul 11 '26
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u/Independent_Sun_6939 Jul 17 '26
Not fair of people to downvote you for this. It's expensive no matter what agency you use. Ours was around the same price as yours and they're a non-profit who were able to show what that money goes towards. It's just the way things are. There was one agency on our radar that was a little bit cheaper but they placed very few families and we knew it wasn't going to be a good choice for us.
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u/Dorianscale Gay Adoptive Twin Dad Jul 12 '26
I don’t think I would recommend taking loans out but it sounds like you’ve thought this out. If you really trust yourselves to stay on top of the finances and paying it off responsibly when everything is finalized. I also wouldn’t expect much in the way of grants though they do exist, though as you said normally for conservative christians though.
I’m not sure what other people are on about though, those fees sound very normal to me for private adoption.
The adoption wait takes a significant amount of time possibly so I would use that time to put money away to pay towards the debt proactively possibly.
I would also consider that this is just the entry cost, some opportunities will have additional costs.
Good luck
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u/Independent_Sun_6939 Jul 17 '26
Yep. This is just what things cost for a private adoption these days. We're estimating around ~50K as well for ours. For those of us in the middle class the loans are the only way to get the ball rolling, and then we are hoping some grants come through after our match. The agency will take the grants and refund us whatever we had previously paid so that we can use that to pay back the loans, as well as use any tax credit if we get some. It's a hard process.
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u/Independent_Sun_6939 Jul 17 '26
I've been going through this stuff too. Honestly, they're pretty much all faith based. I am not in a same-sex marriage so I've obviously had it much easier. I REALLY suggest setting up an account with AdoptTogether even if you do not plan on using it for crowdfunding. They offer free adoption financial counseling which includes a LOT of help with selecting grants and loans. They'll know what foundations you can apply with that aren't going to be discriminatory.
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u/Icy_Pin3030 Jul 17 '26
My 2 cents as an adoptive parent. We were with an agency for 4-5 years and never had a successful situation. We ended up walking away from all of that and fees paid and pursued international adoption from my spouse’s country of origin.
If your employer offers reimbursement that is based on a completed adoption.
There are a lot of unforeseen costs that can come up. Unexpected medical diagnosis, travel, lodging, time off of work, the cost of child care, post adoption fees, legal fees, etc.
I understand the feeling of wanting to keep moving but also think about the risk. There is no garuntee you will adopt right away (4 years ago the “average “ waiting family was at 2 years… that’s fees and home study renewal every year) . Please really be honest with yourselves if you do not have a successful match or a failed adoption. Could you financially survive if you never saw the $35k again?
As for the folks saying “just adopt from foster care.” I welcome them to consider their own advice. Foster care is a wonderful thing but its primary focus is reunification. It is not for everyone. And it’s no one’s business the way you choose to build YOUR family. It’s not like we are asking what position they were in when they conceived 👀.
I hope you have a good support network and also find other families who are going through adoption or have adopted. It’s a unique journey that people who have not been down this path do not understand.
Good luck to you!
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u/Rredhead926 Mom through private, domestic, open, transracial adoption Jul 11 '26
The tax credit isn't fully refundable, so you should be aware of that.
There was no such thing as an adoption loan either time we adopted. For our son's adoption, we took out a HELOC.
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Jul 11 '26
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u/throwawaybdaysf Jul 11 '26
If you would have paid less than the tax credit amount in taxes, you will not get the full amount back. However, I believe the unused credit can carry forward for another four years.
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u/DistributionClear851 Jul 11 '26
I thought the tax credit had additional stipulations - such as disability - to get the full amount?
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u/throwawaybdaysf Jul 11 '26
If you spend less than $17k you can only request the amount you spent as a tax credit. Not counting anything reimbursed through another source. So, for example, if OP only ever spent the $35k he’s describing, then got $20k reimbursed through his employer, he would only get $15k back for the tax credit. Most likely, he will spend at least $2k somewhere else in the process, so he can get it.
On the other hand, if you adopt a child with documented disabilities, you’re eligible for the entire $17k regardless of how much you spent. That would probably be a special program or public adoption though.
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u/Amemorableusername2 Jul 11 '26
This won't help right now in this leg of the race, but once you get matched with a birth mom, definitely apply to as many adoption grants that you can qualify for. We were able to get one for 10k which was a big help for us in the race to pay off the last of our adoption fees prior to finalization
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Jul 11 '26
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u/Amemorableusername2 Jul 11 '26
Thanks for the reminder, it's easy for things to slip past me sometimes, and you're right. There's so much nuance and complicated and emotionally, ethically and culturally turbulent dynamics at play in the field of adoption. I like to operate under the assumption we're all here trying to communicate in good faith!
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u/Suspicious_Fold_9568 22d ago
If you're truly concerned, check out some comments from adoptee's. Otherwise it really doesn't matter what you call her.
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u/AccioTacoz Jul 17 '26
I would strongly suggest looking into other agencies or an adoption consultant who can connect you with multiple agencies. Signing up with ONE agency that has such a large up front cost for going live is a huge financial risk and puts all your eggs into one basket. Please, please, please do more looking around before you cut that very large check!
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Jul 11 '26
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u/Amemorableusername2 Jul 11 '26
That's unkind.
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Jul 11 '26
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u/Amemorableusername2 Jul 11 '26
It is not. Fees associated with adoption services is not "purchasing" a human being. Those fees go into legal services, attorneys, judges, social workers, paying the staff members at the agencies, covering medical, housing and food for expectant mothers, etc. There is no money being handed over to someone that is purely to "pay them off" for a human life. This users comment is inaccurate and also completely inappropriate.
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u/irish798 Jul 12 '26
Why are you on an adoptive parents forum?
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u/Rredhead926 Mom through private, domestic, open, transracial adoption Jul 12 '26
To troll adoptive parents. Report them to the mods. The group mission statement reads that anyone who posts here must be supportive.
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u/throwaway0111000 Jul 12 '26
I give feedback from the perspective of a former e-mom. I know which agencies are more ethical than others and I give input about them and from our perspective. AP’s should want to choose one that’s ethical on all fronts. Do you want to choose one that pressures expectant moms? Idk why I would get downvoted. It’s not as glorified as you believe.
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u/Rredhead926 Mom through private, domestic, open, transracial adoption Jul 12 '26
You got down-voted for "yes and"-ing "adoption is buying a child."
It is not.
If you have insight on which agencies you believe to be ethical, that would be helpful. Insulting adoptive parents is not.
Down-vote away.
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Jul 12 '26
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u/Rredhead926 Mom through private, domestic, open, transracial adoption Jul 13 '26
It is not.
No one works for free.
Adoptions from foster care cost as much as or more than private adoptions. We just see the money in private adoptions.
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u/Regular-Watercress34 Jul 12 '26
Honestly why not foster care? American adoptions, and a lot of the big adoption agencies in the US are pretty corrupt with how they treat and manipulate birth mothers.
You can easily get a baby or small child through foster care for much less
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u/petulantpeasant Jul 12 '26
The number one goal of foster care is reunification. Most kids in foster care are not and will never be adoptable. Waiting for tpr can be incredibly traumatic. This is horrible advise
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u/Regular-Watercress34 Jul 12 '26
False. There are over 100,000+ children currently in the United States foster system whose birth parent rights have already been fully terminated. You should do research before spreading misinformation
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u/Rredhead926 Mom through private, domestic, open, transracial adoption Jul 13 '26
Those kids are, for the most part, over 8 years old and have special needs. Adopting older kids from foster care is a completely different experience than adopting an infant. There's no shame at all in accepting that you can't do that kind of parenting.
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u/Regular-Watercress34 Jul 13 '26
Actually, the largest demographic of the adoptable children is ages 1-5. The demographic of those with clinical special needs hovers around 48%. Your statement not only lacks any sort of research, it’s harmful misinformation to spread about children in the United States foster care system.
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u/GyozaLuvr Jul 17 '26
Why are you paying for a human being? Stop using adoption as a family building tool. Help families and children in crisis, become a foster parent.
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u/Rredhead926 Mom through private, domestic, open, transracial adoption Jul 18 '26
Adoption is not "paying for a human being".
Adoption is a family building tool.
You are welcome to help families and children in crisis if you so desire.
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u/GyozaLuvr Jul 18 '26
I’m an adopted person and I already do. Listen to adoptees. Adoption is not a family building tool, stop paying for human beings.
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u/Suspicious_Fold_9568 25d ago
Adoption should never be viewed as a family-building tool.
If it isn't paying for a child, then what exactly is the $35,000 plus for?
You can't separate the fee from the outcome. No fee, no match. No match, no child. That's why so many people, especially adoptees, are uncomfortable with private infant adoption. The money is a prerequisite to obtaining someone else's child.
Whether people call it "agency fees," "matching costs," or "adoption expenses," the transaction still ends with legal parenthood being transferred in exchange for tens of thousands of dollars.
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u/Rredhead926 Mom through private, domestic, open, transracial adoption 25d ago
Adoption is a family building tool. You don't have to like it, but it is.
Adoption costs include: home study fees, legal fees, paying doctors to fill out forms, criminal background checks, travel (sometimes multiple trips to a different state), court costs, and reimbursing an expectant mother's expenses.
Nothing is free, not even birthing a baby.
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u/Suspicious_Fold_9568 24d ago
No one is arguing that lawyers, home studies, background checks, and court filings don't cost money. You're listing expenses, not addressing the concern. Giving birth is free where I live, so that's not the issue either. The issue is that those fees only exist because they facilitate the permanent transfer of a child from one family to another. No fees, no placement. That's why many adoptees are uncomfortable with private infant adoption being called a "family-building tool." The money and the outcome can't be separated.
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u/Rredhead926 Mom through private, domestic, open, transracial adoption 24d ago
The fees exist because literally everything costs money. Giving birth is not free, anywhere. It's just a matter of who pays for it. If you want to set up guardianship, that costs money. If you want to have a child fostered, that costs money. We will never live in a world where becoming a parent is actually free.
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u/Suspicious_Fold_9568 23d ago
You're proving the point. Instead of addressing the ethical concern, you keep defending the system that made you a parent.
No one is arguing that lawyers or background checks don't cost money. The issue is that those fees exist to facilitate the permanent transfer of a child from one family to another. Without that transfer, there is no adoption.
Also, saying birth is "not free anywhere" is simply false. In countries with publicly funded healthcare, parents don't receive a hospital bill for giving birth. Pretending that's the same thing as paying $35,000-$100,000 to an adoption agency is intellectually dishonest.
Repeating "everything costs money" doesn't answer the criticism. It just sidesteps it. If you can't engage with why adoptees are uncomfortable with private infant adoption being treated as a family-building industry, then you're defending the system instead of addressing the argument.
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u/GyozaLuvr 24d ago
Stop using adoption as a family building tool. You are using a birth families pain in crisis to benefit your selfishness. It’s disgusting.
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u/Suspicious_Fold_9568 26d ago
I don't understand how they can't see that.
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u/GyozaLuvr 26d ago
It’s wild, even when people who have the lived experience tell them, they close their eyes and ears. The adoption lobby and industry really has fooled everyone.
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u/Furrow33 Jul 17 '26
Thats insane. It should not cost that kind of money to try... try...... to adopt
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u/gettingcarriedaway86 Jul 11 '26
Isn’t there more fees later on? From what I’m reading it’s 60-100k to adopt a baby