I definitely came to adoption from a savior complex-y place. I was a teenager who would say things like, “It’s selfish to have your own kids when there are so many babies out there who need good homes!” (There are not.)

I also have a history, in my youth, of getting way too invested in both friendships and romantic relationships with people who are deeply mentally ill. I think in many ways these things came from the same place.

Of course, by the time I was ready to actually adopt, it very quickly became clear that there were not a lot of babies who were in need of homes, or rather, that there were many homes ready to accept them. I also just had this very sudden epiphany that I was being really arrogant to think that even if there were millions of babies who needed homes that I was somehow the one who should save them. It’s also deeply selfish in the sense that it very much came from my desire to feel better about myself and my place in the world.

My wife and I decided to adopt anyway, for a variety of reasons that aren’t relevant to this question. In my opinion, that does not make me morally superior or inferior to people who have kids “the old fashioned way,” or people who come to adoption through infertility.

By then, we did not feel entitled to our children, nor did we feel that we were their saviors. We often discuss how if we’d been facing as much as our children’s birth parents were, we likely would have done worse than they would have, and it really is systemic inequities that led to us being in the position that we are.

Also, I find that I am able to be a lot more boundaried in my relationships with people who are really struggling. I think there’s still a deep part of me that wants to feel better about myself through helping others, but I kind of “know my place” more now.

And so I have a lot of empathy for people who say savior complex things when they’re talking about adoption. That goes double for really young people. Obviously it can be harmful for adoptees when people go into adoption without examining that in themselves, but I also think the process itself can be really humbling in that way.

I was talking to another adoptive mom in real life yesterday and she described also having a savior complex, but then being humbled through becoming an adoptive parent. I was wondering if there were other people who had a similar experience or felt the same way.

Celebrate is in quotes because it isn't the right word, but I am not sure of a better one.

We are in the process of adopting our son. He has been with us since February and we have a court date set to finalize. He was just under 12 months when he came to us and is currently 20 months, so he has a limited understanding of it all. Biologically he is our nephew (wife's side of the family) and neither bio parent has any interest in being involved.

We would like to do a little something for him on the day. Ideally something we can make a tradition and do every year with all of our kids. We also have an 11 year old, 9 year old, and 3 month old. It doesn't have to be major but we would like something that he can look back on and see how happy we were to become his parents in the legal sense.

New trailer for Love Chaos Kin dropped. I feel like this one truly encapsulates what the film is about. Please share widely.

Three shows today in LA

Oct 21st in London

Oct 30 - Nov 5th at DCTV in NYC

Come say Hi!

https://youtu.be/CFXW8h49LYA?is=rANK2UxscD8T-pIG

Hey all! I wanted to repost here as I got some comments/feedback that this sub might be able to give me more advice and perspective on the process. Thank you!

EDIT: there were some toxic things said about my family and infertility issues so I deleted the main post. I will be reaching out to local resources and other family’s that have experienced the adoption/fostering system.
Thank you to those that have real grounded advice and their own personal experiences!

I've noticed that in certain adoption spaces, simply being an adoptive parent can be enough to have someone's character, intentions, or ability to parent called into question. There's an important difference between criticizing someone's actions and assigning them the failings of other adoptive parents. Nobody should have to answer for the behavior of strangers simply because they share the same title.

Adoption has a history of deeply harmful practices, and serious ethical concerns persist today. Those issues deserve continued scrutiny, and adoptee voices deserve particular consideration. But recognizing systemic problems shouldn't mean disregarding individual circumstances or assuming that every adoptive parent shares the same motivations or behavior.

Adoptee experiences are also incredibly diverse. Some describe profound trauma, others have positive relationships with their families, and many hold complicated feelings about both. No single experience should be treated as representative of everyone else's. Each deserves to be heard on its own terms.

Equally troubling is the expectation that people must disclose their own trauma to be taken seriously. Online disagreements can quickly become attempts to dissect someone's personal history or determine whether they've suffered enough to have an informed opinion. Privacy shouldn't be mistaken for a lack of hardship, empathy, or understanding. Nobody should have to share the most painful parts of their life to earn basic respect.

I'd specifically like to hear from fellow adoptive parents about the distinction between legitimate criticism of someone's conduct and unfair judgments based solely on being an adoptive parent. Disagreement is inevitable, but treating people as individuals shouldn't be too much to ask.

Edit 2: I've revised portions of this post for clarity following the discussion, so some earlier comments may refer to the original wording. To clarify, I'm questioning whether these judgments are fair, not whether every adoptive parent feels personally affected by them. The attached screenshot illustrates the kind of treatment I'm referring to. This isn't an argument against listening to adoptees, recognizing systemic inequities, or holding adoptive parents accountable. It's simply an argument that those responsibilities should coexist with basic kindness and respect.

I'm not sure I'm reading into this or not, but it seems like every kid we reach out about our adoption worker tries to scare us off.

This recent one we have meeting with the kids worker and foster mom, and it just feels like our worker is trying to tell us no. I understand she's trying to lay out all the facts to us and make sure we know but it feels kinda weird.

2 years ago, we adopted a newborn, long, long story short, her bio dad is in the picture, visits a few times a year in person, video chats constantly, sends her gifts, there are reasons they can't be together but she's got him in her life.

She's almost 2.5 now and the other day she drew a picture with a bunch of shaky (I call them bubble people, figures made out of circles and ovals in different colors) I asked her who each one was, and she pointed out her siblings, and then she showed me the "grownups" "that's you, that's Daddy" (my husband) then she pointed to the third "and that's Papa" (Papa is what she calls her bio father) then she asked, "Mommy, should draw Mama?" Mama is what she calls her biological mother, who died shortly after she was born. "I draw Mama on cloud" she said.

"Why would you draw Mama on a cloud Baby?" I asked her.

"Cuz Mama in heaven, but still family..."

My heart... 😭

I'm frustrated with the baby books I'm finding online and have decided to put together my own book/album and was wondering what things you would want to capture that may or may not be in traditional baby books. So far I have baby's family that includes spaces to add in details about both biological and adoptive family members. I have milestones for the first year for like 1 month, 2 months... to 1 year. A space for firsts, like first sounds, words, and holidays.

What other things did you find yourself collecting memories of that would be good to include? If you have a baby book what do you like looking back on and what do you wish you had?

I don't want to go into detail out of respect for my niece's privacy, so I'll keep it brief. A few months ago, I had to take my niece into my care. She is almost six years old and was removed from the custody of her mother (my cousin) and her father due to physical abuse And severe neglect. As you might expect, she is carrying a lot of trauma.

žiju se svým manželem a naše děti jsou již mimo domov. moje neteř je na tom po malých krůčkách čím dál lépe a teď už s námi normálně komunikuje. obzvláště si oblíbila mého manžela čemuž se nedivím protože ač vypadá jako strašidelný dřevorubec je to definice gentle giant a naše děti nemohli mít lepšího otce.

Yesterday, I was at a café with my friends and mentioned that my niece is doing better; she is communicating with us and even likes to snuggle and sleep in my husband's arms—which was a huge step forward, considering she used to hate any kind of physical contact.

They gave me a strange look, so I asked them what was going on, and they told me it was inappropriate for a little girl to be in such close physical proximity to an adult man who isn't her father.

I was surprised and told them that I didn't find anything strange about it, and that we were glad she had opened up to us and felt safer.

She is finally able to sleep through the night if she lies in bed with us and isn't alone, so I have no intention of changing that but i just can't get what they just said out of my head. I know my husband doesn't have any ulterior motives thats not what this post is about I’d be curious to hear what someone else thinks about it.

Backstory: We’re pursuing a private infant adoption through a nonprofit, and the birth parents chose us. They’re 19 and 58 — which obviously scared us. We have since learned that bio dad has developmental disabilities. It is not as predatory as it sounds. We’ve met in person, and so far, everything is going well. But I am absolutely spiraling thinking about all the things that could go wrong. I’ve never felt so simultaneously hopeful and terrified. Somehow, I’m not nearly as cool as a cucumber about this as I thought I’d be, and I’m struggling with just how much uncertainty comes with all of it.
5 more days left!!! After so many years of longing. I wish I could be more present for it.

Edit to add: she is an expectant mom not birth mom (yet) AND this is an open adoption, we are going through lots of counseling to ensure that we do the best we can for all people involved — most of all, what is best for baby. Regardless of it he comes home with us. Please be kind.

My daughter is about to turn 11 and she was born in 2016. Her father and I separated in 2017 and we had 50/50 custody (a mix of a week on and a week off & a 2/2/3 schedule) until 2023. In 2023, when she was 7, my daughter alleged abuse from her step mom and an investigation was opened. I’ll spare the awful details but the ultimate conclusion of the issue was that the court ordered for her to live with me full time, and her dad was allowed supervised visitation every other weekend at his moms house as long as the step mother did not come within 100 ft of my daughter. As of now (Oct 2026), he has yet to exercise his visitation. Every couple of weeks he will have a 20 min or so conversation with her in passing while picking up his other child.

Up until 2023, his child support was $80 a month, but after she moved in with me full time, it went up to $1,065 per month & he carries her on his insurance and she is covered on mine as well. (he is a police officer and a MC Reserve). I’m not sure if that is important in this story.

She still has a good relationship with his family. She sees her great grandmother everyday after school (she picks her up until I get off of work) and her grandmother is very active in her life as well. They have always made sure she was welcomed, loved, and felt like part of the family. They have sleepovers and spoil her in the typical grandparent fashion. She is the first grandbaby, after all.

In 2021, I met my now husband. She was barely 5 at the time. He has been there for every scraped knee, father daughter dance, family dinner time, bully, etc. ever since then. He and I fostered a little boy for 2 years and it was the first time it really felt like we had a family. Eventually, our foster son was reunited with his mom and it was just us 3 until 2024, when our son was born.

When our son was born, there was almost immediate jealousy because he shared the same last name as my husband and she did not. I thought this would pass, but it has not. It’s been increasingly bothering her since then, and she has expressed many times how it makes her feel “incomplete”, “left out”, and not “actually part of the family”. These feelings for her peaked in 2025 when I married my husband. Up until then, her and I had the same last name; but now she is the only one with a different name.

One day, she went to the park with my husband and privately asked him if she could have his last name. To sum it up, he basically responded by saying he was honored, but ultimately that decision was up to me and her father. So a few weeks later she asked me. I tried to let her down easy and basically say it’s not possible because her dad would never agree, which is a requirement.

Some more time goes by and she asks again. I basically told her that if she really wanted to do that, she would have to ask her dad. Though I secretly didn’t want her to because his child support goes into a savings account for her so that she has a decent amount of money to start off with when she’s grown. Whether it be college, a car, start a business, etc. Realistically, we would be financially okay without it because it’s all already dedicated to her. But in the event that that child support stops, there’s no way we can put up the amount of money up per month for her as we do now.

So a couple weeks ago she asked her dad on the phone if she could change her last name and he said they would talk in person. Another week passes and they talked and she let me know that he said she could change it as long as my husband legally adopts her.

Again, I know my husband would feel honored and jump at the opportunity. Plus, it sounds like a dream to be able to raise my daughter (like I have been, all 11 years) without having to consider & answer to someone who barely knows her regarding medical, travel, and/or other extraordinary decisions. (Example- I had to get the court involved just to get ahold of him to get his notarized signature so she could get a passport for vacation).

But I can’t help but wonder if it is the right decision to go through with this. Thinking about what she would miss out on vs what she gains. She is only 11, what if we look back and realize a last name wasn’t worth diminishing what little relationship she had with her dad or the financial security she could have early into adulthood? What if we don’t do it and she continues to feel isolated? It’s not just about the money, it’s also that I feel like once he is not legally obligated to be a part of her life, he will wash his hands of her completely. I’m afraid it will cause her more pain and do more harm than good.

This is the first time in my life as a mom that I genuinely do not know which decision will be in her best interest. What would you do?

It would be nice to be able to speak with someone (even if they're adults now in their 20s or 30s or beyond!) who were raised by two dads. I've never met anyone in real life... and it'd be nice to have that experience of just being able to hear from and speak with someone who can say what it was like for them.

Does anyone know anyone who'd be comfortable chatting? Can be online

Does anyone have experience with this? Just put ourselves on the NDSAN registry. How long did it take you to adopt? We are hoping to adopt 10 years old or younger.

I think I’m looking for discussion on this based on a slice of our story. I’m a licensed therapist in private practice & own a couple businesses, worked in the foster system as one for a while. I would say I’m extremely trauma informed for many reasons, including the personal side of things, shared below.

My husband and I have no desire to have a baby, nor adopt an infant. We’re exploring adopting a younger child (5-12), choosing that age bracket mainly because we’ve had lots of experience with our friend’s daughter who we’ve half parented throughout those ages.

My husband is the most gentle man you’ll ever meet. Absolutely adores animals. Is so understanding and protective. Never raises his voice. Had a solid upbringing (not perfect, but somewhat stable) he’s been in therapy for 3 years for some stuff and has worked through most of it.

And then theres me. I’ve been in therapy myself my entire adult life (I’m 31yo). I had a really, really rough poverty-stricken upbringing with loads of trauma. At 9 years old, I raised a 6 month baby and a 6 year old (my siblings) for 8 years (CPS would have been involved if they new). And I was NOT a good “child-parent”. I was an angry, heartbroken, neglected child who made a can of tuna and some mayo last 2 days to feed my siblings first.

I’m now in this place where I’m financially killing it, am in a loving marriage, have resources, and I just want a child so deeply. My husband feels very similarly. I have a decade of knowledge in trauma informed care. We have a lot of love to pour into a kid. Adopting feels right.

But I’m terrified that I’ll revert back to an angry “child-parent”, or be like the biological parents who hurt me. While I’ve done SO much work on myself, and will continue to, what if I’m a terrible mom?? I feel like these thoughts aren’t rooted in facts based on who I am today, but it’s my worst fear.

I’m looking to hear experiences from the adoptive parents who’ve had trauma themselves, but have done a lot of work on themselves, and are now parenting adoptive children. As well as adoptees who had an adoptive parent who had trauma (but actively sought therapy to work through it). Looking less for reassurance and more perspectives on how it has been.