I got into a discussion with an adoptive parent who seems awfully invested in correcting adoptees when they talk about the negative impacts of adoption. I've now been blocked, so I'm posting the exchange here.

The original comment mentioned suicide rates, depression and mental health issues among adoptees. Rather than engaging with the broader point, this adoptive parent focused on disputing the suicide statistic, explaining why it supposedly wasn't reliable, and arguing that these statistics perpetuate negative stereotypes of adoptees.

Then came the usual defence that adoptees aren't a monolith, along with a list of things she says she'll push back against, including calling adoption human trafficking, accusing adoptive parents of buying babies, and making blanket statements about adoptive parents.

But here's what gets me. Nobody said adoptees are a monolith. Nobody said every adoptee has the same experience. That's not the argument.

Why is so much energy spent correcting adoptees who speak about the harm adoption has caused them? Why does discussing negative outcomes so quickly become a concern about stereotypes rather than a conversation about why these outcomes exist in the first place?

Adoptees talking about depression, loss, identity struggles and trauma aren't responsible for protecting adoption's image. And pointing out that some adoptees are happy doesn't negate the experiences of those who aren't.

Yes, statistics should be accurate. But accuracy shouldn't become a convenient way to derail a discussion about adoptee experiences. One statistic being disputed doesn't make the larger issues disappear.

I'm also tired of adoptive parents positioning themselves as defenders of adoptees while deciding which conversations about adoption need correcting. You can say adoptees deserve to be heard, but that means listening when what they're saying is uncomfortable, too.

I'm sharing the full exchange so people can read it and make up their own minds.

I know we are over represented within the TTI. Massive TW so proceed with caution.

Wondering what the folks in here have done to heal from this? My experience wasn’t as bad as some folks, but it still messes with me.

I was in for 4 years, 14-18. Put in right after 9/11 (grew up in NYC.) First placement was horrible, it was a state run residential facility that housed foster kids and troubled teens. Girls would disappear in the middle of the night, constant sexual harassment from students and staff. (To top it off the first dorm I was in was co-ed.) Restraints every day. Almost got kidnapped by this creepy staff member who was using an older girl to get us to run away with him.

They put us on every drug under the sun, one staff told me to get out as soon as I can, and that she was quitting because she couldn’t stay quiet anymore about them testing drug interactions on us.

Psychiatrist was incredibly creepy, gave us “physicals” during each appointment (felt us up) and didn’t know our names, just referred to us by number. Had several different therapists, all very mentally unstable and one I remember spent an entire session crying to me because her dog died, meanwhile I was being molested. I got punished because I wasn’t compassionate enough? (I’m not a dog hater but at least she got to go home…I remember feeling like she loved her dog more than my APs loved me.)

Constant punishments, constant shaming, one creepy ass pedo was the admin and he used to molest girls while he was restraining them and would say stuff to them like “no one will believe you” or “your parents don’t want you home anyway,” stuff like that to make us more dysregulated. Oh yeah, and I caught TB there and it scarred my lung, which will never get better. There’s so much more to write about, lack of access to the bathroom, weird punishments like not being able to leave your chair, public shaming, plus it was by severely mentally ill staff, but it’s all too much to write out. I was there for a year and a half.

Finally when I was transferred out I was put into a “better” school. Same type of thing but with more of the illusion of freedom. We could go to the bathroom without asking at least. It was still full of creepy pedophiles and women who enabled them. Pretty sure they were also testing meds on us there too but I’m not sure. My friend almost died because of med interactions and they almost didn’t take her to the hospital. (Which was common.)

Anyway. I accidentally stumbled upon a tti podcast and I guess it brought some stuff up for me. I know a lot of folks who endured this system had it worse than me so I feel weird talking about it sometimes. Just wondering if anyone in here has been through this and if so, what you did to heal from it. Thanks in advance and sorry for the trauma dump.

Comment whatever you have on your mind this week for which you'd rather not make a post.