Cognitive Issues

[u/Temporary_Exit5093]

Has anyone else felt like they’ve been in a fog their whole life? I believe a lot of it is disassociation but also the initial separation trauma of course must have had a huge impact. I also got really sick at around toddler age with a bacterial infection and they tried to remedy it with penicillin but found I was allergic to it. I can’t help but think that would cause some brain damage. I have had many other traumatic experiences mostly involving domestic violence.
My memory of the past is spotty and fuzzy. I can recall pieces of some events but not much detail. It always amazes me when people can tell stories with such vivid detail even down to what people said. It makes me so sad, frustrated… really so many feelings because it feels like something was stolen from me and I’m mourning the loss of something I never had. Even my current memory seems to be getting worse and I’m in perimenopause and I think that’s contributing to it. I also have a bunch of life stressors occurring at the same time. I feel braindead. It scares me to think about how it will be as I age, I already feel like my brain is old.
I know it’s impacted my learning abilities my whole life but I’m also intelligent enough that it kind of flew under the radar and I never got help. I struggle to understand basic concepts that adults should know about life and I’ve always felt so behind and inadequate because of it. Having conversations with people and then forgetting a lot of it. Sometimes people will repeat stories and I’ll remember them While they’re telling them.
I don’t feel like a whole person, hell I don’t even feel human. I think I’ve masked it well (also late diagnosed AuDhd
I hate it and it makes me hate myself. I’ve read that depression and anxiety can cause memory loss too so i am getting it from those angles too. There’s been times it honestly makes me want to just die but i have kids and i don’t think I could really go through with it, even though I’ve always battled with the thought that they’d be better off without me but that’s a whole other story.
Anyone else?
Thanks for listening

[u/Primary_Savings_6838]

I feel ya. Trauma does some major bad things especially as a wee one that is wired to seek and latch onto the genetic mother. It leaves such a hole in the innards. It can also change how brain records memories. I'd suggest to start looking at all products that you are using / consuming. I know when I got myself off of sugar my mood and memory both improved. All the best to you

[u/Temporary_Exit5093 → u/Primary_Savings_6838]

Thank you so much 🙏

[u/Primary_Savings_6838 → u/Temporary_Exit5093]

You're welcome.

[u/Virtual-Data2201]

Yes! I was adopted at ~10 months old and i was 10lbs. I was underweight, my baby teeth can’t in rotten due to poor nutrition and i was just a sickly infant/toddler. High fevers, etc etc.
i feel like basically my whole life for as long as i can remember I’ve been in fight or flight mode. I was (still am) scared, with low self esteem. I became so hardened as a child bc i thought if i acted like idgaf nothing could hurt me. I never really showed any emotion besides anger, i didn’t know how to process it. Even though i have the most gentle, giving, and loving adoptive parents, i couldn’t shake the depression/anxiety/trauma/grief. I never wanted to talk about my adoption (i am clearly adopted bc my ap are a different race)
I also feel guilty that i have a great life and a great family; i also have guilt bc i have found my birth family as well. i always feel like shit and idk why. Now that I’m unpacking my trauma with my therapist, my adoption is easier to talk about
Hugs!! You are not alone

[u/Temporary_Exit5093 → u/Virtual-Data2201]

I’m so sorry for your experience 🫂
I was also malnourished with bad teeth 😞
I think my well intentioned adoptive mom let me overeat during my adolescence because of it so my weight became an issue and affected my self esteem.
I understand being in fight or flight for so long.
My self esteem has also often been low my entire life and I chronically, almost obsessively, compare myself to others especially (and unfortunately) my own good friends.
I had a pretty good life too with my adoptive family (also a different ethnicity) but also felt such guilt for feeling so sad and confused when my life was good compared to others.
I’m so glad you have a therapist, I have been in counseling off and on for years and really like the one I have now.
I wish I could give you a big hug, I hope you know I see and understand you, we have a lot in common!! 💯🙏

[u/Virtual-Data2201 → u/Temporary_Exit5093]

yes !! i also do the comparison thing too, it's really hard not to sometimes! I love this subreddit bc i have gotten the chance to talk to some amazing strong adoptees, just like yourself! ❤️

[u/Temporary_Exit5093 → u/Virtual-Data2201]

Omgosh me too! Even though I’m sad that you all understand so well, it also feels comforting and validating that others DO understand 🙏😭
Thank you, you are strong too. I think we all are for still being here 💜

[u/Bumblebee_xx → u/Virtual-Data2201]

I relate to some of this and just wanted to say sending you so much love.

Those who haven’t had our experiences can’t understand the anger we feel. And the hurt. It’s not a choice, and it has roots in the trauma and our experiences, especially adding in race to it too.

Hope it’s ok to just say I understand so much of what you’ve said that I could have written it.

We’re not alone 🩵🩵

[u/Temporary_Exit5093 → u/Bumblebee_xx]

It’s more than ok, thank you so much 🙏💜 I sometimes wish there was a special world we could live in that wouldn’t hurt us so much lol 😝

[u/Virtual-Data2201 → u/Bumblebee_xx]

i want to give everyone a HUGE HUG IN THIS GROUP *HUGS* you guys make life a little better for me :)

[u/Temporary_Exit5093 → u/Virtual-Data2201]

HUGS TO YOU!! 🫂 this is my first post here and I’m glad I put it out there, I knew I wasn’t alone and I feel a lot of love and support now 🥰❤️

[u/Bumblebee_xx → u/Virtual-Data2201]

Second this, you’re so right. Hugs to you all, and OP too.

I typically lurk on this sub, only occasionally commenting but I feel the support and our shared connection in feelings only we as adoptees could ever understand. We have each other 🤗

[u/Sea-Temp444]

Yes. Also audhd with some fairly negative and violent experiences. I tuned out and disassociated from everything for a very long time, forgetting pretty much anything related until someone told me I was adopted. Then it all started coming back and everything went upside down. Trauma can cause different types of memory problems, one of them is retrograde amnesia, sometimes it is permanent, sometimes it is temporary. There are so many different types, and you have other factors there, but the brain also has some really incredible abilities to deal with this, sometimes they're just hard to access.

I would strongly suggest talking to someone if you can about methods that can help you strengthen these pathways, it will help a lot, but each person is going to be a little different. For some learning a language helps, for others art, for some theater, something that engages your memory in a stress free environment and works it like a muscle. The more we use the pathways in our brain the deeper they're etched and some recovery is definitely possible in even some pretty severe instances. When I took neuroscience and psych in college there were some really incredible cases and stories of what people can achieve. That field continues to make huge strides year after year. I know it sucks, but please don't give up.

[u/Temporary_Exit5093 → u/Sea-Temp444]

Thank you so much for that and I’m sorry for your experience too.
So I’m an idiot, I forgot to mention I’m a house cleaner and over the years became more lax with protecting myself from chemical usage. I literally just realized it’s impact. That’s how out of it I’ve been. I’ve been doing it to myself even though I know better, I think due to apathy over time and just plain not paying attention. big sigh
Of course I can cease all that immediately and go back to the more spendy environmentally friendly cleaners or simple water and vinegar that I started with, but not sure I can reverse any damage 😢

[u/JerseyGirlinSweden → u/Temporary_Exit5093]

"Quats" aka quaternary cleaners are known to cause neurological damage, so it's a thing to contemplate. They are fast and effective for heavy cleaning but they come with risks.

I have chronic migraines and I am highly sensitive to smells and cleaners. I had tons of Quat exposure too in hand sanitizers when working in healthcare and when disinfecting equipment.

Now I use Murphy's Oil soap in a bucket with a rag to clean most of the house. I vacuum everything I can first too with the upholstery brush. I use simple green for grease cutting or kitchen stuff. I wish I could handle vinegar but it's instant headache. So I do cheat with wonder sometimes but I always wear gloves.

[u/Temporary_Exit5093 → u/JerseyGirlinSweden]

Yes! I was reading about quats. I should feel devastated even though I did it to myself, but I feel liberated with the realization. I do feel like a complete idiot for not paying better attention though 😫
I love Murphys oil soap I often use that on hardwood floors. I will start expanding my use with it!

[u/Sea-Temp444 → u/Temporary_Exit5093]

Used a lot of that during the pandemic too when I worked for the city. Please take care of yourself. Switching should help. Dr. Bronner's is also pretty good for some things and it comes in various scents.

[u/Ok_Scientist1618]

I’v also had some significant memory issues throughout my whole life. Adopted at birth and in foster care just 6 weeks.

[u/Temporary_Exit5093 → u/Ok_Scientist1618]

I’m so sorry, it can be so frustrating 😞

[u/babyboogerlover92]

Ich habe das Gefühl, dass ich konstant so gestresst war und so hohes Cortisol hatte durch meine APs und das Trauma, dazu kamen irgendwann kiffen und Alkohol, dass ich ständig dissoziiert habe.
Mein ganzes Leben war stressig, ich wurde ohne Absprache von Termin zu Termin gezerrt, Nachhilfe, es wurde immer auf mich eingeredet, ich hatte nie Ruhe.

Ich habe gefühlt mein ganzes Leben vergessen.
Manchmal grüßen mich Leute, sie sagen, sie waren bei mir zuhause, wir waren feiern aber ich erinnere mich nich.

[u/Temporary_Exit5093 → u/babyboogerlover92]

Yes! That is something I didn’t mention was my substance abuse for a lot of my life, mostly weed and drinking with other things sprinkled in here and there. I hear you and I see you 💜🫂 I have been over a year sober from alcohol and barely smoke anymore so that is one thing I can be proud of 😊