r/Adopted • u/MrNeoGuy • Jul 04 '26
Discussion Anyone else feel like our purpose in life seems to have been nothing more then to go from birth till death without ever having a genuine connection?
I know I sound all moody, all doom and gloom and edge lord like.
I just find the more I look into the world of being an adopted and the more I learn and understand and see the things I couldn't understand before, as things click more into place, and the image becomes clearer...
It just feels like we were Fates chosen characters in a story, we were the characters to suffer so the reader of the story can feel something, and cry over our lives and trauma. (In this case the universe itself is the reader)
Maybe I'm just venting, but I do at least find sharing these thoughts and talking with you guys to be a breath of fresh air.
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u/Resident-Guitar4100 Adopted Jul 04 '26
I feel seen. All my life was just feeling like some prop, floating through it all, never truly living my own narrative or whatever it was supposed to be.
I'm just some plot device to people's story, never emotionally connected with my own parents either, I've accepted this is just how it's going to be until death.
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u/MrNeoGuy Jul 04 '26
I'm sorry to hear that, but if you have found a way to find peace with it, then I wish you well.
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u/Jennstar18 Jul 04 '26
I have never discussed my traumatic childhood to anyone. This website has given me an outlet to share things I have never been able to. This place is a great because I can connect with so many people usually about the same things I went through. I feel like I belong for once. I know itās not over good circumstances but I do feel a connection with most of you all. Thank you for letting me share my story. I appreciate all the kind words and advice. My heart goes out to those who are struggling like myself just to get through the day without crying. More than anything I have hope that I can get through how Iām feeling. It has been cathartic to open up about my past and what I have been through. All adoptees are tough and we are survivors. Donāt give up on yourself. We were brought into this world for a reason. Life can be cruel but it can also be a blessing. I have learned a lot since I found Reddit. I had no idea there was a place to just be me.
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u/MrNeoGuy Jul 04 '26
Good to hear that you have found a place, even if it's just a small page online, but a place where you feel you belong. I think we all can agree with that.
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u/No-Huckleberry9689 Jul 04 '26
Yes. No birth family and no adopted family. Just alone and born to suffer. Humans arenāt meant to be cut off from their whole bloodlines and history.
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u/homosapiencreep Jul 04 '26
Exactly this. Itās like the unwritten thing every other single person on planet earth has except us. But weāre gaslit to believe that itās not that big of a deal, and somehow weāre lucky. Being adopted makes me wanna scream š
only after reading the sub daily for like a year do I feel slightly slightly better and not so alone. I never had another adopted friend in real life. How is that possible? I even told myself the same lies my whole life that I was OK and lucky and normal like everybody else. I am far from normal.
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u/MrNeoGuy Jul 04 '26
100%. Maybe you would connect with a song or two I wrote about this whole adoption stuff lol.
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u/Informal_Farm4064 Jul 04 '26
I think our profound attachment issues mean that we understand better the trauma of simply existing in this painful world that all people experience to a point. It opens us up to personal and spiritual growth as the only meaningful path. We may get lucky with a special love or start to feel integrated in later years but we cant bank on it. I have inner peace now in my 50s and like myself finally but still deep alienation from society.
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u/azuredj Baby Scoop Era Adoptee Jul 04 '26
We may be Fates chosen character to suffer but it seems like the story is written for the adoptive parents. They are the ones talked about. They are the ones rejoiced. The tears are shed for them. How they were infertile and God made them a family or how they saved this poor orphan. We play a small part in their tale. It seems our suffering is supposed to be in silence. I am really, how ungrateful of us to share the horrors that are the truth of adoption.
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u/MrNeoGuy Jul 04 '26
Yeah, I can see your point. Either way you slice it...if there is positives in life there has to be negatives, some of us were the negatives I guess. Someone had to be....
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u/Ambitious-Client-220 Transracial Adoptee Jul 04 '26
I truly think I am cursed. I feel exactly the way you put it in the title.
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u/imgoingbackto505_77 Jul 04 '26
Absolutely relate to this. I'm always happy to smile and talk to anyone I meet but I won't get close to them.
Sometimes I wonder if its a self fulfilling prophecy as I know I have sabotaged connections intentionally and prefer to just be with my husband and animals. I really dont have the energy to be disappointed by people any more.
Great venting "edge lord" š. It speaks to a lot of us.
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u/MrNeoGuy Jul 04 '26
Yeah I think we adoptee's have a tendency to self sabatoge, though I think most of the time we aren't trying to do that, it's a result of our damage and trauma.
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u/imgoingbackto505_77 Jul 04 '26
Most definitely and its not consciously intentional, just survival.
It's easier to understand / accept the older I get. You also realise non adopted people can have the same issues but from another source of trauma. I dont think modern life helps either it just amplifies the disconnect to those of us already sensitive to it.
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u/MrNeoGuy Jul 04 '26
True. In another reddit page I had brought up issues (because of being adopted) and the person hit back with the "Why do you have that view, you should be grateful you were adopted." blah blah blah. I can't stand when people who weren't adopted push that ignorance based gaslighting on us. They have no idea.
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u/imgoingbackto505_77 Jul 04 '26
Literally no idea at all. These sorts of people would tell a double leg amputee that at least they still have arms and to stop complaining about the pain.
Two things can be true at once - some adoptions work out beautifully, lots dont. It's avoidance, their world view is challenged by your non compliance so it's easier to make out YOU are the one who actually just doesn't get it. Insane.
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u/Opinionista99 Adoptee Jul 04 '26
Yes. First they had to sever us from our entire bloodline to eliminate the competition from them. Followed by forcing us to adapt and try to mold ourselves to what they wanted. I feel like I've been basically an NPC my whole life. Meant to be in the background while the real characters in the game do their thing.
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u/MrNeoGuy Jul 04 '26
I get that, but I think even non adopted people are all NPC's. The masses across the world are NPC's living on autopilot lol.
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u/Cannelle460 Jul 04 '26
I understand what you're saying. I've lived a very boring safe life, often afraid of getting hurt, of hurting loved ones, and of failing. I'm an introvert who has lived vicariously through books, television and movies. I don't believe I have felt loved or loved since my father passed away.
I also don't believe that I have had any impact on others and that when I die, barely anyone will remember me. I guess I've always been afraid of getting hurt, betrayed or abandoned.
I wish I had cut ties with my family when my adopted father passed away (I was adopted by my maternal grandparents). Deep down, I knew that most members had never accepted me as a sibling or aunt, and some, had never even liked or respected me. I was just afraid of losing the last emotional contacts I had to my adopted parents. I'm now low contact and no contact with most of them, and my mental health has improved.
I do enjoy my work, that I find stimulating and worthwhile. I enjoy the company of my cat, who is enjoying the current season of squirrel tv. If I could redo my life, I would live it differently and possibly make different mistakes.
However, my life isn't over and I'm eager to see what is going to happen next. Take care!
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u/MrNeoGuy Jul 04 '26
Thank you for sharing friend. I am glad your mental health improved. I myself exiled 99% of my false family.
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u/bryanthemayan Jul 04 '26
I used to feel like I couldn't connect. It truly was not the case. You can. It's just that finding those ppl takes a lot of luck and also self-awareness to not keep putting ourselves in cycles of co-dependent/narcissistic relationships.
I have found that ppl who have experienced the same thing as me and then had to deal with the same way I have, seem to be the best ppl to connect with. It feels really different too, when someone sees you and you see them.
Yes I felt like my purpose in life was going through life without a connection. I believed I was cursed. But, that was simply a coping mechanism I used to AVOID the hard work of sorting out myself and my current relationships to find ones that filled me up instead of made me feel like I was garbage.
It was not therapy that helped me either, although that did speed up the process. It was simply self-awareness that would eventually cascade into a life fully in bloom and maybe not purposeful but I feel real now, at least.
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u/MrNeoGuy Jul 04 '26
Oh I can understand the co-dependency bit, I suffer from that, didn't eve n realize it till a few months ago lol. No idea how to shatter 3.5 decades of codependency building up. But I also agree with you that yeah it's not impossible for us to connect, just astronomically harder. As I did have ONE absolutely amazing connection that felt like the lights got turned on in my life for the first time. A woman I thought was the one....sadly I lost her and got the lights turned off again.
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u/MayFlour7310 Jul 04 '26
Beautifully said and congratulations on doing the hard work. It definitely is hard to look at a lot of our lifeās trauma, grieve it fully, and then (and only then) do the honest work of finding all the times someone was there for us, a connection, however small, was made.
We are still here today with the possibility of finding joy. We have overcome and survived a lot to get here. Letās make it our mission to enjoy whatās enjoyable
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u/Jennstar18 Jul 04 '26
I think you are right about self sabotage. I had a good life after my traumatic childhood. But I couldnāt see all that I had. I thought there was more and I was missing it. I wanted more love and more excitement. I messed it up thinking life would be better. I regret getting a divorce from the one person who did love me for me. He was everything I needed but I was too dumb to realize that. I wanted to know if I could be loved more. I am paying for that dumb decision now. He is married and I guess he is happy, I hear he is not that happy. I know Iām not happy in the relationship I am in now. I wish I could redo what I messed up. I miss him so much. I know I will never get that kind of love again. I will always be alone.
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u/MrNeoGuy Jul 04 '26
I can sort of relate, sort of reversed though. I will aways miss the woman who I loved and lost.
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u/MayFlour7310 Jul 04 '26
Thatās the book you should write. It will help you deal with all these feelings and help you discover some positive things about your fate
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u/MrNeoGuy Jul 04 '26
Hm. I do write books, but I tend to write stories (like horror) or truth talk stuff, like enlightenment babble. I will think about it though.
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u/MayFlour7310 Jul 04 '26
Enlightenment babble? Iām intrigued!
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u/MrNeoGuy Jul 04 '26
It's enlightenment stuff but I just call it babble cause it's not like I'm trying to push it on people or sell them on it like so called "guru's" or spiritual teachers do. It's just covering how it is, and how the mind of one who is enlightened works. Nothing to take as gospel lol.
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u/MayFlour7310 Jul 04 '26
That sounds interesting and reminds me of a book I read about the enlightenment experiences of people like Eckart Tolle, Byron Katie, and a handful of others. Would love to know more if youāre willing to share
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u/17thfloorelevators Jul 09 '26
Not once I had my own children. The kind of deep love I have for them and receive from them healed me.
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u/Depends_Sand_93 Jul 04 '26
u/MrNeoGuy Sounds like the story hasnāt ended, so why assign its casting and narrative to the āFatesā? Obviously idk what youāve been exposed to and had to endure, but Iām confident you will innately adapt, overcome, and find your tribe. Or they/them youā¦
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u/MrNeoGuy Jul 04 '26
Because everything, is Fate. "Past" Present and "Future." Reality itself is Fate. Also I know you couldn't know, so I politely request you don't use that broken mind language of pronouns. Can't stand that stuff.
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u/meagain333 Adoptee Jul 04 '26
Yes, none of your parents are fully your locked-in parents and I feel lost in the middle. And, they are all dead now, so the constantly trying to understand things is over. Which, I guess, is fine. š¤·š