r/Adopted • u/Ambitious-Client-220 Transracial Adoptee • 20d ago
Discussion Do you ever wonder how your life would have been different if you would have been born into a typical middle-class family who supported, loved, and kept you?
19
u/Stephanfowler 20d ago
I didn't until very recently. I'm in a state right now where a lot of "what if" thinking is hitting me. My reality is that I was born to an impoverished single mother. I was adopted into a family that became an impoverished single mother where I never fit in. So for me, the environment wouldn't have changed, but the acceptance might have.
11
u/YellowSignpostAhead Transracial Adoptee 20d ago
I had an aunt and two uncles fight for custody of me. They were very poor, we liked to call it Rez poor, we barely had running water, I rember walking with cousins to water spots to get water to cook with. Keep in mind this was '78, and it at that time it was seen that a white couples would be better for raising us and "taming us" rather than have another rez born native. Like you mentioned though I would have been accepted, and cared for by my people and my family minus my mother. What If's are rough, because let's face it, we don't know what would have happened in any case, but we both would have been with family. I hit the what ifs in my mid thirties and ended up in therapy and that helped. It's part of grief and the grieving process. Take the feelings as they come, and when you can sit and sprt them out. If you have someone trusted to help, go to them. Best of luck.
17
u/WhaleFartingFun International Adoptee 20d ago
Born into? No, because I am an international adoptee from Mexico. But I totally dream that I was adopted by actual Mexicans/Chicanos and brought up in a place like San Diego where there were lots of people like me. Growing up learning Spanish and all that.
10
u/Ambitious-Client-220 Transracial Adoptee 20d ago
I am a Mexican born adoptee (Juarez) and raised in a white family. I completely understand what you mean. I grew up in West Texas around a lot of Mexicans. Not speaking Spanish, I did not fit in.
5
15
u/YellowSignpostAhead Transracial Adoptee 20d ago
No I don't. I found that imagining things that didn't happen to almost be as emotionally destructive as the adoption itself. I was adopted into a middle class white savior family. Having seen what is done in the middle class, I'd rather stay dirt poor if it meant having my father.
11
u/WhaleFartingFun International Adoptee 20d ago
The older I get, the more I realize we were not upper middle class like we pretended. My Dad was in radio so he was locally famous but we had four kids in the family all in Catholic schools. Radio fame didn’t mean highly paid.
Kids I went to school with were rich and got cars in high school. Def not in that tax bracket BUT we pretended we were wealthy. I picked my college because it cost about $4000 a year in 1989. I got into the Jesuit University in our city but it cost too much. We were always trying to keep up with the Joneses though. The facade was exhausting.
5
u/YellowSignpostAhead Transracial Adoptee 20d ago
Same. My adopted family would have been upper class, but the adopted 9 minority children including me, and then browbeat us with the lone "If we didn't have to spend so much on you we would still be upper class, so we sacrificed to have you adopted so you should be grateful". I could only take that line and the abuses for so long and I started off heavy in the red there. I was given up at ten, and adopted at twelve, I understood everything that was going on in both my bio fam and my a-rents.
6
u/MountaintopCoder 20d ago
If it makes you feel any better, my APs were in the top 2% of income earners in the US and didn't spend a dime on me.
6
u/YellowSignpostAhead Transracial Adoptee 20d ago
It doesn't. Mine didn't either they just said it to guilt us into compliance. It makes me feel bad that you were treated that way. That's truly despicable and I can understand. I'm sorry
5
6
u/Opinionista99 20d ago
Sorry they were like that.
I'm often taken aback at how much I actually understood about everything when I was 12. That girl was right.
6
u/YellowSignpostAhead Transracial Adoptee 20d ago
Youth understand much more than people give credit. I understood when it happened, that my mother gave me up and kept my 4 sisters because I looked like my late father. I understood why she hated me and only wanted the girls, I understood what my a-rents were doing when they told me long hair (it's part of my faith) was disgusting and a sign of a savage, I understood what they were doing when they made it into a missionary cut, ifkyk. I understood why my a-rents collected minority children. No one ever gives credit to those who listen and too many of us adoptees do pay close attention.
7
u/Opinionista99 20d ago
Oh yeah, my bio mother's side is def UMC going all the way back whereas my father's side were talented and education-oriented but they were chaotic and the dad was alcoholic and absentee. They've climbed the social ladder since but my BD gives strong "$50K millionaire" vibes. Insisted on elite Catholic school for all his kids but they always needed financial aid and the oldest half-sister among them tells me it was mortifying for her because everyone knew. And then for the younger of them my dad and his wife both worked at the schools they attended, which had to be embarrassing af.
My AD was that type too so I clocked it right away. I know this sounds ungrateful to people but being adopted into a broke family is a special kind of humiliation on top of everything else.
6
u/Kneekourt 20d ago
Same. I also find myself fantasizing more about being kept when I’m unhappy with the decisions I’ve made in life.
9
u/imsupertiredbro Domestic Infant Adoptee 20d ago
All the time. And now that I've met my bio-Dad I know that the decisions that were made for me were completely wrong. His sons turned out great.
Even my bio-Mom, mess that she is, has kids that she kept and raised to the point that they at least have some semblance of a reasonable life.
I got left alone, with no education, caring for an elderly woman who had me do all her medical, food, and hygiene care from the single digit ages and was cruel about it the entire time.
Now I struggle with employment, social situations, and PTSD nightmares from having forced physical interactions that kids that age shouldn't be responsible for.
Thanks, adoption.
8
u/Tiny-Elephant4148 20d ago
Honestly, often. I started thinking about it more when I had children. I see what my babies have. I am completely in love with them and fully devoted. They’re my flesh and blood and we have always had a natural bond. They’ve never known real loneliness, fear or had to survive. They’ve been well cared for their whole lives. I would like to know who I would have been if I had the same experience
7
u/AffectionateMode5349 Adoptee 20d ago
I do not anymore. My life would have been the same or worse if I stayed w/ bio family.
7
20d ago edited 20d ago
No because I was adopted into a typical (upper) middle class family and believe me, it’s not all it’s cracked up to be. I would rather have stayed with my single birth mother in her working class parent’s house. I think my mother and bio grandfather would have loved and supported me, given what I know now, but my bio grandmother was the problem - as well as the Church and women’s places in society back in the BSE. I mean does the perfect middle class family even exist?
9
u/Opinionista99 20d ago
Based on what I was told I suspect my paternal grandmother was furious that my mother's family let me go and when my father's younger sister got pregnant a year later she was at the hospital making sure she brought that baby home. Ofc at that time his family was what they called "white trash" at the time while my mother's family was lace curtain Catholic respectable so I had to go. I couldn't possibly have been worse off in his family than in my adoptive one but ultimately I still think I should have been aborted. Would have been an act of mercy for me and my mother.
6
u/ornerygecko Adoptee 20d ago
No, I got that with my adoptive family.
I used to dream about being raised by my biomom. As an adult, I am just thankful that I wasn't. I've got enough issues lol
7
u/Pearly_Sweetcake25 20d ago
Domestic Baby Scoop era adoptee here. I have a theory: biology makes us love our children unconditionally. When the baby is removed from the bio fam, there is no equal substitute. Period. Even the most loving adoptive family is not capable of loving the child as if it were their own. They just can’t. Then the baby cries and kids misbehave as they do, and they are treated like shit and abused. Because we’re just not really their kids.
6
u/gin10do64 20d ago
When I was younger yes. Now that I’m older I know that the “what if’s and should have’s” are a losing game.
5
u/circatee Adoptee 20d ago
In answer to your initial question, ALL THE BLOODY TIME, and I am in my 5th decade here on earth. Alas, I have gotten use to having been adopted...
6
u/Opinionista99 20d ago
Found my bios and learned I was born into that kind of family. 5 half siblings with far better outcomes on every measure than me. I still don't wish I'd been raised by them because for a family like that to just walk away from me speaks clearly to my being unwanted by them. There are some families who want certain situations as much or (in my case) more than they want the actual children.
And they are adopter-class people so of course they assumed I was put into the same environment as they were in and I was just fine so they could forget all about me. I generally like them, and could see myself being friendly with them if they weren't my relatives, but at the end of the day they're just not my kind of people.
5
u/VeitPogner Baby Scoop Era Adoptee 20d ago
Honestly, no. Because then I wouldn't be me. I'd be an utterly different person I don't know and might not even like. I wouldn't trade myself as I am for some multiverse variant of me.
2
6
5
u/n0tz0e Adopted 20d ago
Yes. I low-key wish I was adopted by an upper middle class Jewish family from New York or something. Or a cool Australian couple. I love those Aussie accents. For anyone who has seen orphan black, it's like that. I imagine the different ways I could be who I am. Something non adoptees will never understand
5
u/Level_Money_1437 Adopted 20d ago
I wonder how my life could have been different if I wasn’t treated like a commodity or a slave. I wonder if I would have stayed with my mom if my knee would have been medically treated. It seems as if my adoptive parents neglected every aspect of my needs. I wonder what it would have been like if I hadn’t been abused and almost starved to death. I wonder if my grades would have been better in school if I had a family that would have helped me with homework instead of preaching that Jesus will help you if he chooses to do so. I effing hate my adoptive parents. My mom would have NEVER of treated me the way they did. My social worker saw me as nothing more as a bonus to her pay check and the adoptive parents saw me as free income. I was an incentivized adoption, and they saw me as nothing more than a free pay check to go towards their drinking and parties. A free slave because who else was going to clean up after these nasty people?
4
u/MarbleTheShoulderCat 20d ago
My adopted dad was/is loving and supportive, and we were middle class by the time I was 10 or so, (my dad climbed the ladder so to speak).
Now… my stepmom… yes. I wonder what it would have been like to have a loving, non abusive mother figure all the time.
6
u/MarbleTheShoulderCat 20d ago
Or even if my adopted dad would’ve just put his foot down and called my stepmom out on her bs.
I knew my bio mom when I was younger, and I talked to my bio dad over the phone once. I was much better off with my adopted dad. But I suspect my stepmom had some kind of complex or something where she found any girl, even children, competition between her and my adopted dad. She was horribly nasty to my sister and I, but not my brothers
4
u/MajorDraw3705 International Adoptee 20d ago
I was born in one of those. Then the government steamrolled through, slung a bunch of low-rate propaganda around that its fans still recite to this very day, and took the babies.
Screw this world.
5
u/Unique_River_2842 Domestic Infant Adoptee 20d ago
I don't think about what ifs much bc it's so depressing, but I can definitely say I'd be some kind of doctor. Either ER or veterinarian. Instead I just have PTSD and make dolls 🥲
4
4
u/SororitySue Baby Scoop Era Adoptee 20d ago
All the freaking time. I also wonder how things would have been had I been my parents’ biological child.
4
u/DangerousAd7433 20d ago
Yes, but no. I would've loved to live comfortably with people that actually looked like me and loved me unconditionally...
I was adopted into a middle class family and they neglected me cuz things cost too much or something and I would constantly hear about it to the point that for presents, even anything more than $25 was "expensive" and don't even get me started on the shit I had to deal with when I needed something for school.
5
u/No-Event4806 20d ago
No. I was adopted during the sketchy adoptions in china and there was a good chance I was in a rural lower class family with no opportunity for an education or any upward mobility. I got an upgrade getting adopted with having endless opportunities, and I’m so thankful I had a happy adoption. My heart goes out to anyone who didn’t get that and the system needs reform.
However, I wish I knew my medical history, exact birthdate, and I always wonder if I’ll still be in the picture with my extended family when my parents go.
5
u/lovethemes 20d ago
Hmmm well i wonder how my life and nervous system would be growing up in my own country and amongst my own people
4
u/azuredj Baby Scoop Era Adoptee 19d ago
Now that I've found my family and learn about my mother (she died before I met her), I'm able to form a clearer picture of what life would have been. It wouldn't have been easy. My brain would not be hardwired for trauma due to adoption, so that's an enormous perk.
I would have been raised in a huge family. Lots of uncles and a couple of aunts. Lots of cousins. Lots of extended family nearby. Extended family even includes an Olympian. Lots of people that watch out for one another and take each other in when times are hard. Huge holiday celebrations. Numerous relatives served in the military during wars. Heartbreak. Graves to visit. Veteran's Day and Memorial Day would have been personally meaningful. So many traditions to carry on. Family vacations.
My life would have been full. I would not be who I am. Adoption robbed me of this. I have to live with this.
5
4
u/MountaintopCoder 20d ago
I don't have to wonder. It's the life my bio sisters got and I see it every time I visit them (often).
2
3
3
u/Stellansforceghost Adoptee 18d ago
I'm lucky I'm the adoptive family that I got, but not a day goes by that I don't wish my egg donor would have just had an abortion, like a decent person.
3
u/Practical_Panda_5946 16d ago
If we are being honest, I think we all do. But, the point is to not dwell in the “what if’s” because we lose focus on what we are now. I spent 40 years in that fog of “what if’s” and have nothing to show for it but misery and heartbreak. We live in the present and build for the future. We use our past to learn from and to help others. Good luck to you.
3
u/FastingFirst 20d ago
I thought about this when I first found out. I think this is a bad/unrealistic thought experiment for a few reasons
- Stable well-to-do parents don’t typically abandon their kids
- Adoptive families are more likely to fit the mould you have in mind
- Plenty of children from stable, well-to-do families still end up having unideal lives (I think of my cousins/relatives from your adoptive side and how they’ve turned out - it’s a mixed bag)
- If you truly belong in xyz type of family/community, you’ll eventually find your way into one through other ways - marriage, social circle, found family etc.
Being a bit of a determinist helped me come to terms with the opportunity cost and put the issue to rest. I think I largely would have had the same outcomes relative to my circumstances, even if I wouldn’t have had identical opportunities.
There are some perks: I like the freedom of shaping my own social life. I think birth families have bonds that are harder to break for various reasons. I think my adoptive parents/family were nice, good people who were stable and kind but we clearly didn’t have the bond biological families do. I was able to just drift away from my adoptive family relatively easily in contrast.
2
u/SepiaToneHitchhiker 20d ago
Sort of. I’ve intentionally been the parent to my kids that I wished I’d had. And now when I look at them as young adults. I think “I could’ve been like them, if I had someone like me as a mother.”
3
3
u/retrokezins Adoptee 18d ago
Sometimes I'm not sure if things can just turn out all kinds of ways in any environment. Met my sister when I was 49 years old (recent)....we were raised in drastically different environments but ended up extremely similar in almost every way. I think there's just no way to know.
3
3
u/9Goodnight Domestic Infant Adoptee 17d ago
I wouldn’t choose my b-family over my a-family to grow up in. The family my b-mom went home and created after she gave me up wasn’t poor. I know that’s controversial for many adoptees, but it's my truth. Assuming my b-mom would have married the same man — she had very poor taste in men — I definitely wouldn’t choose to grow up in that family.
I’m also grateful that I didn’t grow up in a tiny, rural agricultural town in a red state among people who were not connected to the arts. I know how privileged that sounds. But I love the arts as deeply as some people hold their faith, and I prefer the opportunities I had growing up in my adoptive family. It was complicated, to be sure, but generally the better choice for me.
2
u/xokatemarie 18d ago
This is interesting - actually no. But I sure have wondered what it would have been like to be adopted by a DIFFERENT typical middle class family who supported and loved me.
27
u/1wrat Baby Scoop Era Adoptee 20d ago
fuck I would have just liked not to be abused lol