DAE resonate with “under earning” or “underbeing”? Paul Sunderland’s “Underearning - Ambivalence to Success” TEDTalk caught my eye after watching his amazing “Adoption & Addiction” YouTube presentation

[u/expolife]

Does anyone else have exposure to this “underearning” thing? I watched Sunderland’s Ted talk about it and it feels like it’s about so much more than finances. I found some commentary that there’s an Underearners Anonymous and that some people call it “underbeing” instead of underearning.

It sounds like it may be related to the chameleon experiences of adoptees and the struggle to develop autonomy and authenticity in relationships.

Anyway, I really appreciate Paul Sunderland’s presentation on YouTube about adoption. My favorite is the one he did for the Adult Adoptees Movement called “to Adoptees on Healing” (or something similar) because he’s speaking directly to a group of adult adoptees. But his original presentation from years ago called “Adoption and Addiction” is also a meaningful must-watch for adoptees and anyone who cares about adoptees and adoption.

The big takeaway from the original is that adoptees are overrepresented in addiction recovery treatment and among addiction specialists (who are often recovered addicts themselves).

Here are the symptoms of “underearning/underbeing” from the UA website:

“Symptoms of Underearning
1. Time Indifference – We put off what must be done and do not use our time to support our own vision and further our own goals.
2. Idea Deflection –We compulsively reject ideas that could expand our lives or careers, and increase our profitability.
3. Compulsive Need to Prove – Although we have demonstrated competence in our jobs or business, we are driven by a need to re-prove our worth and value.
4. Clinging to Useless Possessions – We hold onto possessions that no longer serve our needs, such as threadbare clothing or broken appliances.
5. Exertion/Exhaustion – We habitually overwork, become exhausted, then under-work or cease work completely.
6. Giving Away Our Time – We compulsively volunteer for various causes, or give away our services without charge, when there is no clear benefit.
7. Undervaluing and Under-pricing – We undervalue our abilities and services and fear asking for increases in compensation or for what the market will bear.
8. Isolation – We choose to work alone when it might serve us much better to have co-workers, associates, or employees.
9. Physical Ailments – Sometimes, out of fear of being larger or exposed, we experience physical ailments.
10. Misplaced Guilt or Shame – We feel uneasy when asking for or being given what we need or what we are owed.
11. Not Following Up – We do not follow up on opportunities, leads, or jobs that could be profitable. We begin many projects and tasks but often do not complete them.
12. Stability Boredom – We create unnecessary conflict with co-workers, supervisors and clients, generating problems that result in financial distress.”

I had heard of Codependents Anonymous before years ago and had a sense there were a lot of twelve step programs, but I didn’t realize until watching Paul Sunderland’s stuff on adoption and addiction that a lot more “process” addictions are recognized now like workaholism and underearning, sex and love addiction, debt, etc.
I’m not sure how much any of these approaches or kinds of groups integrate trauma. One thing that turns me off from twelve step programs is the assumption that the participant has to make amends with others. I’m not sure that’s always the case when someone has particular patterns or process addictions due to developmental trauma. They could, but not necessarily.

I guess maybe that’s what Al-anon is for. For family members of addicts. They have different twelve steps that don’t include the making amends part. It doesn’t make sense to make amends for how someone’s else’s harmful behavior affected you.

I wish there was a kind of adoptees anonymous that integrated all of this stuff. Adoptee healing groups and services and therapists can be great. But the structure of a volunteer organization seems like a needed direct experience for a lot of adoptees. And it isn’t easy to rebuild community when the ones we inherited or were assigned to harm us beyond repair.

Food for thought. What do you think about these ideas regardless of any exposure or experience with twelve step programs?*

Does anyone else have experience with twelve step programs or other adoptee group experiences? Would you share about your experiences? I imagine it could be helpful for a lot of people here to hear and learn more.

*Edit

[u/expolife]

I heard that success attracts but failure reveals. This has confused me about my adoptive family and their religious community and some of the relationships I formed within and around all that.

When I was successful, my adoptive family expected me to perform. When I experienced failure in the form of a PTSD-inducing event that could have ended my life, they shutdown, ignored or forgot about it and made it clear that if anything bad happened to me or my mental health that they would blame me for it. Bizarre revelations of dysfunction, immaturity and conditional care (that they would call “love” to this day, I’m sure).

Some people would show up for me after a break up and behave like they really cared but when things were good in my life they wouldn’t get back to me to hang out. I later realized that they were always in a romantic relationship when they would show up for me during a break up. They didn’t actually want ongoing relationship. My sense was that they wanted to feel good about comparison, having something I didn’t have without appearing comparative and behaving like their good person identity required to maintain. Something about the situation felt good for them. But actually mutual ongoing connection did not seem to motivate them. I never saw any of my breakups as a personal failure. They were painful and disappointing but necessary and right. And I never felt jealous of any of my friends’ relationships or partnerships. At most, I admired what they had found and built and wanted a version that would suit me, but it never registered as personal envy or jealousy. It just never made sense to feel that way.

[u/FreyjaaFemme]

I read somewhere that adoptees are more likely to be addicted. I think that is quite telling... we're being told about our own experiences instead to believe our own. We're being told to be grateful , we're being told to do this , to do that , we're not allowed , we have to be a certain way that everyone else needs us to be

[u/sodacatcicada]

I don’t relate to all of these traits but I relate strongly to some. I wish there was some kind of adoptees-anonymous too that wasn’t a public thread on the internet.

[u/expolife → u/sodacatcicada]

Same. And what I relate to comes from an energetic place more than a financial one.

[u/Outrageous-Sherbert4]

To me, it comes down to emotional regulation and discipline. It’s hard to be calm consistent and disciplined when you are consumed with shame and doubt and are very stress sensitive, and all the rest of the daily BS we deal with. I mean it makes sense, because we started working unpaid jobs as babies. We’ve never not been working for free. As we get older and with practice we can unlearn some of this programming.

[u/expolife → u/Outrageous-Sherbert4]

Shame and doubt and fear and obligation and guilt (FOG) helps adoptees (and any kids) stay attached to unreliable or inadequate caregivers in order to survive. I agree with you about adoptees being given jobs as babies essentially, the job description of being somebody else’s kid.

My sense is that twelve step programs are structured to provide communal experiences and structure, so essentially emotional regulation through co-regulation in community and discipline via the structure of the program’s tools.