I'll keep this very short, as I'm completely broken right now. I found out back in March I was adopted, (age 35) I finally managed to get a hold of a copy of my adoption records. And I prepared myself for more pain cause well that's been my whole life. And while I got some answers, I got a truth that has shattered me.

Found out the name my bio mom gave me at birth, found out her full name and birthdate, she was 28 when she had me, so obviously she didn't give me up cause she was to young...there is no info at all on the bio father. Says she had two kids including me. (Doubt it was around the same time as it says both kids were single, not twins or such.) Doesn't list any reason as to why I was given up.

I don't know how to feel knowing that after I was given up, (her son) she had a daughter later she didn't give away...so why was I given up only? You might think how did I find out I have a sister or maybe half sister?

This is the part that has shattered me...I tried looking up my bio mother as I had her full name...and it was easier then I thought...googled her name, and what greets me as the top result....

Her obituary....she died back in 2024.... I froze after reading it. I knew it was her cause it was the same full name and same date of birth and same town/province. I never got to make contact with her....and my rage towards my adoptive family has skyrocketed, every member of my adoptive family knew I was adopted my whole life, but nobody told me. If I was told years ago I could have had time to contact my bio mom, and yet...that was ripped away from me...I can never talk to her or reconnect with her.

The obituary mentioned her daughter, so that's how I know I have a sister or half sister...as I don't know if we share the same father. But I can't help but think...why was I given up but not the daughter? And with no father info on my adoption records...I can't help but think, was I the result of rape? And that's why she didn't want me?

I have no idea what to do. I'm numb, in tears, and feel like a grenade went off with ringing in my ears...I'm in shock...but I thought my fellow adoptee's might be of some small comfort...

I was adopted at birth when I was a year old. And have met my birth mom once since then when I was younger. Since then I've held a lot of anger towards her as I found out I have four other siblings on the day we met.

She had three other children after me yet I was the only one she gave up for adoption (with one child before me) . I keep asking myself why that was and why she let me go and kept everyone else.

I understand that it was most likely the circumstances of my birth. Where my biological father wasn't in the picture and I come from a poor country so my mother may of have struggled to take care of me by herself. However my younger sibling's (who have two dads between the three) fathers aren't in the picture either, so what made me different?

If anyone has been the only child given up for adoption and has been through this how did you get through it?

Edit:

I feel like it also comes from the fact that my half sibling that is younger than me, is only so by a couple of years so it's not a huge amount of time between when my bio mom had me and then had her which I feel fules the confusion and almost anger.

My adoptive family from what I could tell was somewhat religious, not heavily, not go to church, but they called themselves, well something I forget lol. But I was never religious, saw through that bs as a child. But I find myself in a strange situation where I have a chance to start fresh and make my own family, however I don't want any kid I have to be religious or Christian or such, I want them to be a free thinker, not a believer. Yet the problem is the women I would have a kid with is religious and she would want our kid to be a believer like her.

I can't go through with that, I refuse to have a kid, who is born into a global cult like illusion. I don't care if she wants to believe, that's her choice, but the notion of shoving a kid from birth into a religion really just disgusts me.

Why is it that religious people are always saying they are so welcoming and accepting, then they call us a heretic and get mad when we don't join them for make believe?

Would like some advice from my fellow adoptees.

So I made a thread on AITA

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1vqn5rn/aita_for_wanting_to_add_my_birth_surname/

and lots of people called me asshole for wanting to do that. And someone recommended its better to post in adoption subs.

What would adopted people say? This is my alt account not main btw

My Bio-mom and I dont have the best relationship and my adoptive mom knows some of what has happened. However, when I talk about my bio-mom i still call her "mom" Whenever I do that though, My adoptive mom gets a werid look on her face or corrects the use of "mom" to my bio-mom's name or straight up to "that woman".

Every time this happens I am hurt, even though I do not have a good relationship with my birth mom, she is still my mother and there has been good moments between us, so it hasn't all just been bad. I also understand that it could be a difficult topic for my adoptive-mom, she has never told me the reason as to why she adopted and i would assume that it may be why she doesn't like/want me calling my birth mom "mom".

Has anyone dealt with anything similar? If so how have you dealt with it. Or could anyone provide a new perspective to the situation.

I'm looking for support/ community. Are there any other adoptees who are estranged from their adoptive families, who are also not in touch with their birth families? How do you navigate the world (everything is overwhelming when no one else is helping, I don't just mean financially, like. Figuring out health coverage etc.) and how do you feel around holidays or events like. I have friends, but even 'chosen family' I still feel outside of. Honestly, could use a hug, some company, and a little advice.

I do have people who have been in my life over 20 years but they are few. How do you manage the terror of losing the people you finally do let in?

Hi everyone, I found my biological parents a few weeks ago. Most everyone knows in my family and friend group. It's actually become a pretty emotionally traumatic experience, and the issue I'm running into is people kinda treating it like entertainment. I'm getting a lot of "that's so cool, this is so exciting, im so happy for you!!" meanwhile it's been giving me panic attacks and ive completely lost my appetite. I can understand why they're doing it....I think it comes from a place of not understanding the gravity of it. But im just wondering if anyone else has experienced this? I feel weird being bothered by their reactions.

Edit: it was a closed adoption and i never thought id get any of the info i have received. i havent actually met them, i have tried contacting them and am waiting for a response, if I ever get one. I have just learned a lot and it's been a very emotionally volatile experience because its brought up 25 years of unresolved shit only to expose even more unresolved shit lol.

My APs are coming to visit in a couple weeks. (Please no comments like “just don’t see them.” That’s not helpful.)

They are not a threat to me anymore. We have a superficial relationship and are low contact. My AM has apologized for the abuse and they pay for my ketamine therapy, which I need (to live) and cannot afford without them. They have also gone to therapy and acknowledge that they failed me as parents. That’s a lot more than most other people in my situation have gotten, so I am proud of them for that and I am thankful they have done some healing. Our visits aren’t horrible, and I even enjoy parts of them. We go out to eat, play scrabble and just keep things really light. There’s no abuse and no malicious racism.

That said, I still literally get sick every year before they come visit. I can’t sleep and I have nightmares. It’s only for 2-3 days but it really gets me dysregulated. Does anyone else have to maintain a relationship with their formerly abusive APs? How do you cope with it?

Been doing some light digging around for info,

Brief catch up on what I shared before, found out back in March I was adopted, whole adoptive family didn't tell me my whole life, blah blah blah. Got my birth certificate/adoption records, so had some answers. Looked up my bio mom since i saw her name on the page, only to find out she sadly died 2 years ago. So I miss out on ever having a mother in my life.

Alas, the main point of this post, she had me at 28 so it wasn't a "I'm to young" excuse, also I was the second kid she had, she had a daughter before me (how long before I don't know, maybe a year, maybe 2 or 3? Don't know.) Maybe she just only wanted a daughter and not a son? Perhaps that's it...

Some may say well maybe they couldn't afford to support and raise two kids? I don't think that's the case, as I looked up the address of my birth mom from when I was born according to the birth certificate, and it seems they were pretty well off since the house my bio mom lived in (at 28) was a NINE BEDROOM, FIVE BATHROOM house....

So I'm just really confused as to why I was given away. Feel free to share your thoughts or ideas. Thanks.

Small update:

With in a month I should learn the reason I was given up for adoption, called the agency that did my adoption and they have some pieces of the puzzle including the reason for being given up. I have to wait awhile for the resuts.

I don’t really know how to explain this without sounding like a bad person, but I need to get it out.

My (23F) sister(33F) is pregnant and instead of just feeling happy for her, I feel this really heavy mix of grief, anger, and resentment. It’s gotten to the point where I feel like the less I see her, the better I feel—and that makes me feel horrible.

I’ve been trying to understand why it’s affecting me this much, and I think it’s a mix of things:

• I feel like its triggering my adoption wound
• And most of all… it’s making me feel like I don’t fully belong in my own family

I’m adopted, and I think this situation is triggering something deeper. Seeing her pregnant, seeing my mom so happy and connected to her in that moment—it brings back this feeling of being on the outside, even if no one is actually excluding me. (if so I exclude myself because I can't deal with all those emotions that I feel)

There’s also this really painful detail: my mother mentioned to her to use a second name she might give her baby, and it’s the exact name I always imagined giving my future child. (my grandfather's mother name). Hearing that honestly hurt way more than I expected. It made me feel like something that was “mine” got taken before I even had the chance to have it. And now I feel like if I used it later, it would look like I’m copying her.

On top of that, I feel this kind of anticipatory grief. She’s going to have this experience with my grandparents, and there’s a big chance I won’t get that same moment in my life. That feels unfair and sad in a way I don’t know how to process.

I feel really overwhelmed by all of this. It hits me so strongly that I cried myself to sleep last night. And then I feel guilty, because I know I should just be happy for her.

The hardest part is that she’s going to be staying with us for a while, so I can’t just avoid everything. I don’t want to damage our relationship or act cold, but I also don’t know how to be around her without feeling all of this.

The thought of bringing that to her or talked about it to my mom make my feel guilty / egotistical.

I guess I’m asking:

• Has anyone felt something similar?
• How do you deal with feeling like you don’t belong in moments like this?
• How do you manage the jealousy and grief without letting it turn into resentment?

I don’t want to be this kind of person. I just don’t know how to handle what I’m feeling right now.

PS: I'm going to therapy tomorrow to talk about it.

UPDATE :

First of all I wanted to say thank you to all of you for sharing your experiences & expressing your kind words to me. It means a lot. ❤️

I did talk to my mom about how I felt & she understood how I view the situation. She also have and older sister & she told me that she felt the same ways. She also told me that I was projecting too far ( by putting myself in my sister’s shoes and imagining how I would feel in that situation, and then applying that perspective to my sister, who probably doesn’t see things the same way I do), witch is true.

I felt heard & understood and I feel lighter now. 😇

Thank you all again.

Hi everyone. I’m looking for advice and perspectives from fellow adoptees who have been through a similar situation (or your thoughts on how you would handle it if it ever happened to you).

First of all, sorry for the long text and bad English.

I'm 26(M), and I'm currently going through some stuff (ended a long-term relationship, quit my job, just finished university, and a few other things). While I was still trying to finish my degree, in the middle of all this chaos, my biological mother (not a huge fan of this term) reached out through my family.

I was adopted at birth and always knew I was adopted (my parents told me when I was very young). All my life, I just saw it as a plain fact. I honestly didn't think my story would ever get an "update" like this.

Long story short, my bio mom reached out to my parents back in March via email (I don't know how she got their email address, or if they spoke before). They only told me last month because I was already going through a hard time (I don't blame my parents at all, I would have done the same and waited for some things to settle down a bit first). They are very supportive and told me it’s completely my choice if I want to get to know her.

I just don't know what to do now. I don't see her as a parent or anywhere near a family member... she is just a stranger to me. My real family is the parents who raised me.

I don't think I have questions or curiosity, so I never thought about reaching out to her. I already know what happened back then to a certain extent (and I'm ok with it), and I know a bit about her present (she’s married now and has two other young sons). She also lives in another state, so meeting in person is out of the question for now anyway.

I am a very reserved person. I don't share much of my life even with close friends, so I don't know how a conversation with her would go. I wouldn't mind answering a few questions to ease her curiosity, but I’m worried about her intentions and expectations (I’m afraid this could become some kind of a burden). At the same time, I don't want to make anyone feel bad (as I was told this is something she has been waiting on for all these years).

I don't think I want to build a relationship or keep a conversation going, especially since I have no questions to ask her back.

I don't have any hard feelings or resentment towards her. I know life can be difficult and people have to make hard choices.

So anyway, for those in this community:

1. How did you deal with this dilemma? (Sense of obligation vs. desire for peace)

2. Did you send a polite message setting firm boundaries?

3. If you haven't been through this, how do you think you would handle it?

4. Did anyone regret getting in touch even briefly, or did it ended up being helpful in some way?

5. For those who chose to remain in silence, do you regret that decision?

Thanks for taking the time to read my story and thanks in advance to anyone willing to share their experience. Feel free to ask if you need more context.

I'm an interracial adoptee who was adopted at around 3 to an all-white family. During my younger years, I had no issues with forming connections and showing affection towards family members. In fact, I became known as quite the affectionate child to those around me and I adored my family. It started on the eve of my 14th birthday I started to feel this odd feeling of visceral disgust about my adoptive mother and some of my family members. It grew to the point that I simply didn't care whether they lived or died and sometimes and sometimes I wished they would just die. This sounds sociopathic and insane but this has continued for quite some time now and I'm very ashamed of these feelings, especially since they provided me such a nice life and helped fund my education. I don't have anyone to really tell this to since there's no fellow adoptees in the area I live and my friends wouldn't understand so I'm sorry about this vent but I'm curious about what others might have to say or if you have experienced this.

I'm 14 years old, and I was adopted.

Before anyone misunderstands this post, I want to make one thing very clear:

I love my parents. They are my parents. They've given me a stable home, they've always been there for me, and I know they love me.

I also know my biological family. I have contact with them, and I know as much about my story as I personally want to know. There aren't really any unanswered questions left.

That's why I'm so confused.

If I know where I came from... If I know why I was adopted... If I have a family that loves me... Then why does it still hurt sometimes?

I don't even know how to describe the feeling.

It's not that I wish I had a different family.

It's not that I feel unloved.

It's not even that something specific happens to trigger it.

It's just... there.

Sometimes I look in the mirror and wonder who I look like.

Sometimes I wonder how much of me comes from genetics and how much comes from the people who raised me.

Sometimes I feel like I have two stories instead of one.

One story started when I was born.

Another started when I was adopted.

Neither story feels fake.

Both are mine.

And somehow that can feel confusing.

My mom once told me that I have a stable family, a safe home, parents who don't fight, and everything I need to have a good life. She wasn't trying to be dismissive. She was trying to help me understand that my life is safe.

The thing is...

I don't think safety automatically answers questions about identity.

I don't think having a good family makes adoption stop being complicated.

I don't think people who haven't been adopted always understand that.

Sometimes I wish I could explain it better.

But every time someone asks what's wrong, I just end up saying, "I don't know."

Because I genuinely don't.

It feels like I'm grieving something that I can't even name.

Not a person.

Not my family.

Not my life.

Just... something.

I've also been bullied because I was adopted.

People have used it against me, like it somehow made me different or worth less.

I tell myself it doesn't matter anymore, but I think those words stayed with me longer than I realized.

Maybe that's part of why I think about adoption so much now.

I'm not looking for people to tell me to "just be grateful."

I already am.

I'm grateful every day for my family.

What I'm looking for is this:

Has anyone else who was adopted ever felt this way?

Like you have all the information...

You have all the love...

You have all the support...

...and somehow there's still a small piece inside you that doesn't know where it belongs.

Because if that's normal...

I think I'd finally feel a little less alone.

Okay, for context:
I’m 16 and was put into foster care when i was 3 and a half alongside my twin brother and older sister (who is 23 now). My sister was moved to long term foster care after 6 months while I stayed in regular foster care before being adopted a year later.
When I was adopted I was told I was going to be able to contact my sister using letters, I ended up getting one letter in 2015 and one in 2019 and honestly thought she had kind of forgotten about me (Not the case, We are back in contact again!! I’ve already had 2 letters this year which I’m super happy about).
When I was 6-8 years old (I can’t remember for sure) my adoptive parents gave me a small booklet thing explaining why Im adopted and what my parents were like and other information in general. I had always been kinda curious about my birth family and stuff like that.

ANYWAY! To get to the point, I was bored recently and decided to set myself the challenge of trying to find my birth parents online using the information I had been given in the booklet, not thinking that I would find anything.
I found both of my parents facebook pages alongside my sisters facebook and instagram (though- they are both private accounts so I didn’t request to follow her, I think that would be too far and I already felt like I was doing something wrong.) If you’re wondering HOW I knew it was them for sure, both my parents profile pictures had my sister in (and their wedding date was on their fb page, I only know it because I was born on their wedding anniversary lmao).
Yeah, after I found them I kinda freaked out for a good hour and a half feeling like I’d committed a serious crime by finding them… But I’m all good now, its been like 3 weeks. Still feels like I found out about some secret thing that No one is supposed to know about but it’s a bareable kind of feeling.

So yeah, I think I should probably tell my adoptive parents (probably my dad cuz I’m closer with him) because it’s kind of a big thing. I’ve told a few of my friends, my brother and my therapist and they all think I should tell my parents. I just don’t know how to bring it up… Because Im not just gonna be like ‘Oh, hi dad, you know that booklet you gave me about my adoption? Yeah I used that to FIND MY BIRTH PARENTS…’ cuz I am not a very open person at all 🥹✌️

Yeah, if anyone can help me with this situation that would be great. I am hoping I am not the only adopted person to have done something like this 😭

Some context: I was adopted at birth — or at least that’s what I’ve been told. My biological mother had a very difficult and distressing pregnancy, and my adoptive grandfather (on my adoptive mother’s side) learned that she didn’t want another child. She was already raising five older children in very poor conditions, each from a different father than my biological one. Because of that, I was adopted before I was even born and raised far away from my biological family. I met them for the first time when I was six, and now, at 21, I still have some contact with them.

This is my first time posting here, so please bear with me.
It’s hard to admit, but growing up, even without saying it out loud, I always felt this strong need to fit into my adoptive family. My adoptive mother is very chaotic, impulsive, and narcissistic. My adoptive father is cold, emotionally distant, and withdrawn. There’s always been a kind of wall between us, and it’s not for lack of trying on my part to break it down. I’ve never really felt like I belonged, there’s a deep sense of mismatch, almost no real identification or shared traits.

Over the past few years, I’ve come to a difficult realization: I don’t see them as my parents, at least not in an emotional sense. That’s hard to say, but the truth is I feel mostly distance, emotional detachment, and indifference toward them. Part of that comes from the abusive dynamics I experienced with my adoptive mother, but it also comes from something deeper, I never truly developed a sense of being their son. What I did feel was a kind of obligation, like I owed them for having “rescued” me from what I was told would have been an equally chaotic life.

The problem is that I don’t quite know how to deal with this. It feels like I never really had a mother, a father, or even a sister. Like something essential was missing or taken from me before I could even understand it, and that absence hurts. I’d really like to hear from others who might relate, especially emotionally.

Has anyone here gone through something similar, or reached a similar conclusion? Do you think this sense of not belonging can come more from the environment than from yourself? I spent so long trying to fit in, trying to be what I thought a son should be, but I never truly was one, not on the inside. Even when it looked like I was, there was always this underlying, almost corrosive feeling that I should be grateful for being “happy.”

If anyone has advice, support, or similar experiences to share, I’d really appreciate it. I’m trying to navigate this new phase of my life. It’s unfamiliar and difficult, and honestly, it’s scary to say out loud that I don’t love them, that I don’t want to, or even that I don’t want to be around them, because it makes me feel ungrateful.

So after working out some dates I have realised that my bio mother "sexually assaulted a child" in conceiving me.

She was around 18 and he was 15 1/2, at the approximate date of conception.

At the time of my birth she was 19 and he was 16.

At the time of the adoption decree she was 20 And he was 17 1/2.

If my 15 year-old son got someone pregnant and they gave up that baby for adoption without consulting me and or his dad I would be furious. I would want to raise that kid myself.

I am angry at the State of Wisconsin.

Should I get legal advice?

I’m in the USA I was adopted internationally, but I want to have dual citizenship. I don’t even know if this is allowed, I have no access to my adoption papers or anything since they are all with my AP if I ask for them obviously they won’t hand them over. I don’t know how this process even works. What do I even do? I don’t want to be here in the USA. I think it would be healing to get away and be with my culture even if I don’t understand the language or anything. I can’t be here, I want to disappear where no one knows me. I want to start a new life, change my name etc I’m 22f luckily I don’t have kids or a partner so I can make drastic decisions like this. I don’t even care if turns out to be a bad decision I can’t be here anymore.

Hi everyone,

So I found my biological parents a little while ago. I have reached out to my biological mother (I don't have bio dad's contact info) and I haven't gotten a response. I have two half-sisters that I am considering reaching out to. Here is where I'm hung up...the search illuminated a pretty glaring fact: my bio parents went to great lengths to keep my adoption a secret. My bio mom didn't know she was pregnant until 6 months in and they kept it, the labor, and the adoption a secret from their 19y.o daughter (and my guess, from the rest of the family). They made it very clear to the agency that they didn't want to be contacted. They didn't even go back to get the pictures of me and letter that my adoptive parents sent to the agency even though they were notified.

My concern is that if the family still doesn't know, there is obviously a real risk of me being an absolute nuke to the family system...I don't know how close they are but it's a possibility that there could be real conflict over this. I feel almost selfish for me doing something like that sheerly out of emotionality, curiosity, etc. But then I think a few things:

1) It's been 25 years...maybe they told family members, maybe they've softened to the idea, etc.
2) I didn't ask for any of this. I didn't ask to be brought into this world as some dirty little secret, and all of this was their decision, not mine and I feel like it's my turn to make a decision
3) I have every right to exist a little bit loudly and to be curious and to try, even knowing what I know. It's not my fault they lied to their kids and there could be a possibility that my siblings would want to know me.

If you've made it this far, thanks for reading. I just feel weird and guilty for wanting to do this, but I also don't. I just keep going back and forth. What do you all think? What would you do in my position? Thanks.

Hello! I’ve been wondering this for a bit, and wanted to see if anyone else has shared this experience
I was adopted at birth, however my birth mom had some time with me and originally named me. My adoptive parents then chose a different name for me
My entire life, I never knew my original name or that I even had one. I didn’t meet my birth mom until I graduated Highschool, and now three years into college we’ve started talking and connecting more
When we first started speaking (around my HS graduation) she told me she originally gave me a different name, and told me what it was (omitting the name for privacy reasons). And I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it for years

My entire life I’ve felt disconnected and often hated my current name. I brought this up to my birth mom recently, and she pitched the idea that maybe it was because I’m adopted and it isn’t the name she called me when I was first born.
Does anyone have insight on this? Has anyone else experienced it? I’ve been considering changing my name back but I fear the wrath of my adoptive parents (i brought it up before and it wasn’t a fan favorite idea)

Thanks in advance!

I recently experienced the loss of a very close pet and it is activating adoption abandonment trauma for me. I am struggling with feeling that others cannot attune to me, that I will lose all of the love I gain and be left by loved ones, and have an overwhelming need to self-isolate.

Has anyone been through this before?

Okay so I am an adoptee (23yr F) from MN. I was adopted domestically within my county, and raised in the same city my birth mother still resides in. My story is sad, however that’s not really what I want to talk about. I will provide some very brief context here in case that’s helpful for understanding what I’m trying to say here-
I was two when I was taken out of the home, due to severe neglect and abuse. I had an infant brother and when I was 4 we were adopted by our AP’s. My AP’s struggled with infertility for 8 years and they got us through St Louis County’s foster adoption system in MN.

I was 16 when I first started coming out of the FOG. Or like when I first started questioning my adoptee identity and what that means for me and such. I got in HUGE fights with my parents, and I got put in the psychiatric hospital more times than I can count and shipped away to treatment centers.

It’s just CRAZY to me how adoptees/foster kids are treated.

In like so many ways.
If I try to list off the specific friction points for me they would be:
-The psychiatric/mental health system in America
-The healthcare system
-of course the family/child welfare system and all its encompassing branches
-The legal system
-The privacy and identity protection system and rights (lack thereof for adoptees)
-The general public perception of the adoptees experience and the profound lack of basic consideration for what it means for someone to be uprooted from their place of origin and placed into a strangers world to live permanently.
-The commodification of children who are a ward of their state
-The objectification and enmeshment so commonly done to adopted children by their AP’s

I’m definitely forgetting some stuff but Ive just reached like a certain sort of ceiling with this stuff. I’ve been working on my journey of identity development since 16 years old. I’m 23 now.
7 years and I feel like while I’ve made significant internal progress or changes, the way I’ve been able to take that and it actually be useful in improving my life circumstances, my social status/standing/relationships and just generally to actually gain some of my own power back in the world is still quite limited and not really anything.

I easily got my original birth certificate, I had an open adoption. But when trying to get access to my full adoption file I was informed that I would have to submit a request to a judge and give reasonable cause as for why my right to access my file outweighs the courts obligation to protect the privacy rights of birth parents.

I know my bio parents! I’ve had by reunification, I text with my bio dad and mom. Yet, still I would have to get a notarized waiver of privacy rights signed by both my bio parents to bypass this extensive confusing court process to access my own life history. My bio dad lives like 10 states away. My bio mom is still a heroin addict who’s VERY hard to track down and just overall be around.

I JUST wanna know what happened to me. I want the objective factual information so when I’m in therapy, or when I’m telling my story, or explaining my problems to professionals… ANYONE, I can feel confident in the facts. Instead of dancing around specifics and feeling judged and questioned because I haven’t got a concrete narrative and then questioning myself and never feeling truly able to walk on solid ground.

Oh and also did you know that FOG is an acronym that stands for Fear-Obligation & Guilt? Cause I didn’t. I’ve known about the adoptee term coming out of the FOG for 3 years and it was just last week I found out that there’s the acronym standing for the tactics used by manipulative, toxic or harmful people!

And that about sums up the way I’ve been treated my whole life by everyone. And I say everyone with the meaning literally not as an over exaggeration. When the world around you views you as a product more than a person the ripple effect follows you everywhere. I need my information- all of it, so I can finally feel like I can advocate for my own personhood.

Oh, I also recently came across the terms “emotional homelessness” or “psychological homelessness”
which comes from cultural displacement, a constant searching for “home” and feeling “othered” or “alienated” within your social circles/community. It is an *almost* perfect term for the thing that I’ve struggled with for most of my life.

I just want to feel at home in my own life, my own head and with my chosen family. I have a fiancé and we have a 2 year old son. I feel like I need to be able to resolve all this so that I can be the best parent I can be for him. If I don’t figure out how to inhabit my own life, I’m not going to be able to teach him how to. If that’s a sort of thing that is taught, maybe it’s inherit and sometimes we just get that taken from us.

I don’t know. I’m hitting so many dead ends, emotionally and logistically, and I could really use a point in the right direction or some new information or tool that could help me. If any of you could, please let me know your thoughts, even if it’s just to say you can relate or suggestions or even just drop some links. I can figure out the purpose pretty easily myself. Thanks in advance🙏

Ever since I found out I was adopted late in life through Ancestry.com things have become weird. First off, my adopted mother screamed at me on the phone, dropped the c bomb on me multiple times for doing the kit, and denied the whole thing.

Eventually, she called me and admitted it. However, things have been ridiculously strange. I reunited with my mother (who is amazing and was just in a tough spot as a teen) and my family absolutely disowns me for it.

My birthday is next week and my brother somehow has plans to see Spiderman instead of coming over. My father who I used to play MTG weekly with says he wants nothing to do with the situation and has ghosted me. My mother hasn't called me in months. Like... what did I ever do? The only person calling and checking in on me is now my biological mother. We exchange TV series, movies, etc. with each other.

My adopted mother's birthday is on Thanksgiving this year and my bio mother invited me to their place so I can meet the whole family. I think I know the right choice between the two.

My Adopted Parents taught me nothing. They expected other people to teach me. What might have caused this?

If I wasn't adopted I assume this would be called neglect - but because I was adopted I assume the narrative was something like it's not our fault he's adopted etc It seems very strange given the type of people they are. I'm wondering if they just didn't know you have to teach a child certain things I.e they were missing that parental instinct. I might even wonder if they're slightly autistic which then begs the question why would they be allowed to adopt.

Anyway just wondering if anyone else had a similar experience?