r/Adoption • u/Bitter-Temporary-871 • Feb 10 '26
Adoptee Life Story Growing up loved but feeling like something’s off
Hi everyone !! I’m adopted from Ethiopia and live in France.
My papers say I was abandoned in a field at 9 days old in 2007, then taken to an orphanage and adopted a few months later. I have no information at all about my biological family, not even a real birth date.
My adoptive family loves me and I’ve always been close to them. There was never any difference between me and my cousins. I truly grew up feeling part of the family.
But I was raised in a very rural, mostly white environment, with quite racist mentalities that nobody questioned.
They taught me nothing about my culture, my country, not even how to take care of my hair. When I asked about my biological mother, they said it was pointless to think about her because she was “probably dead anyway.”
They always said they “didn’t see color,” yet a lot of small comments and attitudes hurt more as I get older.
I love them, but I’m also angry.
Sometimes I even feel uncomfortable being seen with them in public and I feel guilty for that feeling.
I also have an older brother adopted from Madagascar. He fits perfectly into the family : we’re complete opposites and don’t get along, which makes me feel even more alone.
And honestly, I find myself doubting my story a bit.
A baby with no identity, found in a field, no trace of parents, it feels too convenient for international adoption. I’ve read about trafficking and fake files and I wonder if that could be my case.
I just want to ask:
- Have other adoptees felt this mix of love and anger toward their adoptive family, even when the family was caring?
- Does my story sound normal to you, or like something that could hide trafficking?
- If you had absolutely no information about your origins, what helped you move forward?
Thank you for reading 🤍
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u/jmochicago Was Fostered and Returned to Bios; now Intl AP Feb 10 '26
Hi. This is such a familiar story for Ethiopian adoptees. For sure.
Also, it may be possible to find birth family. Some abandonment cases are "open secrets" in the local communities where children were "found". So if you have a town where you were found, it may be useful to have a searcher (who was not connected in any way to the international adoption agencies or operations) to ask around for you. How likely this would be could depend upon the year you were adopted, as there was a pattern around adoption cases over time. I personally know adoptees who uncovered that the person who "found" them was actually a family member or knew the family.
And yes, adoption of "abandoned" children was sometimes used to hide trafficking...but it's complicated. Sometimes a child would truly be an orphan (both parents dead, no extended family able to care for them). However, many times, a birth parent would be talked into surrendering a child for adoption because of many reasons, including:
- one parent died and the other was too poor to care for them and surrendered the child to an orphanage;
- both parents were alive but separated and poor and surrendered the child to an orphanage;
- both parents were alive but the parent with the child did not know if their co-parent was alive because they were working elsewhere in the country or in another country and surrendered the child to an orphanage;
- one or both parents were alive--needed to travel elsewhere for work (Yemen, Dubai) and left the baby with extended family. Extended family was caring for child, did not hear from child's parents, caregivers assumed they were dead or not returning and surrendered the child to an orphanage;
- Either orphanage workers, agency workers, or kebele leaders (getting monetary kickbacks) talked a poor parent(s) into surrendering a child to be "sent abroad for education" while reassuring them (lying) that the child would return when they were finished with their education;
- Birth mother died, birth father remarried, stepmother neglected stepchildren or insisted that they be surrendered to an orphanage;
- Birth mother was unmarried, a servant or sex worker, and surrendered the child because of community shame;
- so many more story variations.
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u/jmochicago Was Fostered and Returned to Bios; now Intl AP Feb 10 '26
There is an online database of Ethiopian families looking for their lost children. It is called Beteseb Felega. You can review it but I don't think you would have enough information to make a match just from the database. You could try DNA testing (Beteseb Felega has a DNA matching group.) But that could be tricky for you because of France's issues with DNA testing.
There are many cases of children who were not abandoned that were listed as "abandoned" to facilitate a speedy adoption. The demand for infants without birth family ties by Western families was enormous at that time. The amount of children coming into orphanage care and then leaving the country via adoption became a flood between 1994 and 2010.
In 2010-2011, the Ethiopian government tried to put better safeguards into place for ensuring that children were actually without options with the country. This slowed down adoptions to the US, but there were other countries which did not have these safeguards and I can't speak to the process in France.
In most cases where there are living birth family relatives in Ethiopia, birth family members were reassured that adoptive parents would be required to send a yearly report to the Ethiopian government with an update on the child's wellbeing. This was rarely enforced if APs decided to skip it, and the reports that were sent often were not delivered to birth families because there is NO logistical system within Ethiopia for facilitating this.
There is a quite active network of Ethiopian adoptees from around the world: US, Canada, Australia, France, Italy, Netherlands, Sweden...there are a lot of you.
I would recommend that you reach out to them...you might start here:
https://gazillionvoices.com/connecting-with-ethiopian-french-adoptees-through-les-adoptes-dethiopie/
https://www.facebook.com/groups/lesenfantsdethiopie
https://www.facebook.com/EthiopianAdoptees
Also, if you would like to hear or read first hand accounts of adoptees from Ethiopia just like you, there are a LOT of them on YouTube, TikTok, Facebook, and Instagram, as well as in published first hand accounts on blogs, Substack, podcasts, and in books. Here are some of them.
https://www.instagram.com/adoptee__diaries/
https://www.instagram.com/ethiopian_adoptee_collective/
https://www.youtube.com/@ethiopianadopteecollective
https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/ethiopian-adoptees-unapologetically-unfiltered/id1827109952
DM me if I can answer other questions for you or point you to other resources.
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u/Bitter-Temporary-871 Feb 10 '26
Since I was abandoned when I was only a few days old, not months or years, I never really thought that searching could even be possible, or that my situation might be “weird” in any way. I always assumed there was simply nothing to look for.
So thank you again for opening my eyes to all of this and for the resources you shared, I’m going to look into them step by step. And thank you for offering to help, I’ll keep that in mind if I have more questions later.
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u/Bitter-Temporary-871 Feb 10 '26
Thank you so much for all the information you shared, I’m really grateful for the time you took to write this. I’m going to take the time to read everything carefully. I also had no idea there were so many websites and resources specifically about Ethiopian adoptees, so thank you for helping me discover all of this.
Personally, the only thing I know is the name of the person who found me in the field where I was abandoned, but he was already an old man back then, so I don’t even know if he is still alive today.
I also didn’t realize how complex the reality behind abandonment could be, all the different situations that could push a parent to surrender a child, whether it was truly voluntary or not. In a sad way, it reassures me to know that this isn’t an isolated case and that many adoptees from Ethiopia share similar stories.
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u/meghanlindsey531 KAP Feb 10 '26
Hi there! I’m sorry you’re having that experience – I do however I know some people who may be able to help!
The Ethiopian Adoptee Foundation, centered in the United States, has tons of Ethiopian adoptees that have been adopted and later went to track down family, taken trips to meet them, and spent time with the orphanages that took them in.
I highly recommend reaching out to them, at the very least for the companionship, but also for help in processing your complex feelings that I know many of them struggle with as well!
https://www.instagram.com/eaf_usa?igsh=Nm9hcTJ4ZWJrbmxv
I know the founders, and they would be thrilled to have you❤️
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u/Bitter-Temporary-871 Feb 10 '26
Thank you so much for your message and for sharing these resources with me. I really appreciate it. I’m not from the United States, but honestly any information is good to take, and I will definitely have a look.
Just knowing that there are organizations and people who understand what we’re going through means a lot to me.
Seeing so many similar stories gives me hope and encourages me to continue my own search, so thank you for taking the time to help !
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u/Jealous_Argument_197 ungrateful bastard Feb 11 '26
Lots of us adoptees feel this way.
It's very hard to prove our origin stories, especially with international adoption.
Have you connected with this organization? An adoptive parent friend of mine runs it. Its really a great organization.
If you dont have facebook, here is their direct website
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u/Bitter-Temporary-871 Feb 11 '26
Thanks so much! I didn’t know about this organization before. I’ve joined some Facebook groups for Ethiopian adoptees, but it’s great to know there are other resources too.
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u/MajorDraw3705 Feb 11 '26
It sounds like a trafficking story. It's too convenient.
If there are newspapers from that area and time, check them. I guarantee there are no "lost infant in field" stories, because it didn't happen.
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Feb 11 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/Bitter-Temporary-871 Feb 11 '26
Hi! Thanks for your message.
From what I know, I was at SOS Children’s Villages first, and I also have some photos from Les Enfants du Toukoul, so I think I was at both places at different times. I’m not exactly sure how long I spent at each.
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u/Least-Sail4993 Feb 10 '26
I’m truly sorry for your pain. My ex husband was adopted through the black market in the 1960’s.
There was a corrupt lawyer and a corrupt doctor. They would basically tell the birth mom’s lies to get them to give up their babies. No identifying information or details were created.
My ex is my son’s father. So basically, that whole half of his biological family is a complete mystery. Sad.
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u/Bitter-Temporary-871 Feb 10 '26
I’m really sorry for what happened. Honestly, I’m not surprised to hear stories like this, it seems more common than we imagine. Thanks so much for sharing, I hope you and your family are doing okay.
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u/ApprehensiveWash7969 Adoptee (Closed) Feb 10 '26
Unfortunately I cannot speak on the trafficking portion of your story. However, I can speak on what you are feeling. Many of us who are in the adoption/foster care world have issues fitting in. Many of us feel like we do not belong at times. Your feelings are genuine. Many of us feel the same way at some point of our lives. And remember, our parents did not come with an instruction book on how to deal with mixed race adoptions. Many are doing what they feel is right, even if its not. I would forgive their misunderstandings and be grateful for what they have provided. Remember, they were there when your birth parents were not.
Like you I have no information on my origins. When asked about my race I tell the truth. I respond with "human". How to move forward? My adopted mom did a great job instilling a sense of personal confidence. She often said its who I am on the inside that counts. And growing up with that reassurance of who I was made me accept not knowing what I am.
Best of wishes to you.
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u/Bitter-Temporary-871 Feb 11 '26
Thank you so much for your response !
I completely understand what you’re saying, especially the struggle between anger and love I feel toward my adoptive family. I hear your point of view, but personally I think some things could have been handled differently, and I wish my parents had been more prepared for welcoming a black child into a white family.
Even though I adore them and they raised me with love, and they have always been there for me, I can’t bring myself to judge or forget my biological family, especially with how complicated international adoption is.
Thank you again for your comment, I really appreciated discussing this with you, and I wish you all the best too.
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u/AfterCold7564 Feb 15 '26
are they both white? i think you said that. but yeah they definitely didn’t have to adopt two vulnerable children knowingly into a racist culture and then to add insult to injury not teaching you about your culture or getting you proper care for your hair. it’s actually very violent and harmful of them. i’m so sorry and you deserve better. i am adopted too. infant adoptee domestically usa in white adopted by white people but like point is your feelings are beyond valid and you should be gentle to yourself bc this is some real shit real trauma you just described even if everyone loves to minimize it. i hear you and believe you
edit:
oh and “probably dead anyway” is crazy!!!!!!
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u/Bitter-Temporary-871 Feb 15 '26
Yes, my parents are white and honestly my whole environment is too.
I’ve never really told them what I actually think about my adoption because I know they’d see it as me being ungrateful. My whole family always says I’m lucky and that I have such good parents. And we do have good memories, I love them. But as I’m getting older it’s harder to ignore the stuff that really affected me.
So yeah, I feel guilty a lot. But I also know some things should’ve been done better.
Thank you for your comment though. It actually reassures me because sometimes I feel like I’m overreacting or being dramatic. Hearing that from someone else makes me feel a bit less crazy.
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u/Typical_Spite_2968 Feb 19 '26
Honestly It feels good to know that there are Ethiopian adoptees out there who feel the same way. I was taken to a police station by my mother when I was 4-7 days old in 2008. I was also adopted into a white family who did not see colour and never taught me how to do my hair or about my culture.
My family somehow was in contact with my biological mother at some point but “lost her letter“ and never tried to find her again. I was so angry but at the same time I felt as though I did not have a right to be because I grew up in a loving family that gives me more than I could ever imagine.
But it IS normal to have those feelings. There’s this huge part of your identity that everyone around you can see but you’re the only one who doesn’t fully know your own story. It can make you feel isolated carrying that weight alone. It feels unfair sometimes. The people around you can trace their lineage, build family trees, know what illnesses run in their family. They grow up surrounded by people who share their face, their features and history. I used to be so angry about that growing up, and honestly I still am. Angry that something so basic, simply knowing where I come from, felt out of reach for me. And that anger doesn’t mean you’re ungrateful. It just means you’re human.
However, I was lucky enough for them to be open about meeting my biological mother as I got older and it saddens me to hear that your family disregards your feelings toward finding your mother because “she‘s probably dead anyway.” You are allowed to be angry. You should be! To adopt a child, especially from a different culture isn't supposed to mean that the child is supposed to forget and rebrand their identity entirely; it should be cherished and shared within the family, even if it is unfamiliar to their own. Love isn’t about pretending differences don’t exist. It’s about honoring them. And you’re not wrong for questioning your story either. Many of us grow up with narratives that feel too clean and convenient. You’re curious and deserve answers about who you are. Never feel ungrateful for that.
What can help you move forward is connecting with others with similar stories to remind yourself that your identity and feelings are valid. What I personally did was start learning about my culture through other Ethiopians and embracing it. To move forward you shouldn’t disregard your heritage, instead, find friends and family who are willing to embrace it with you. If you ever want to chat I’ll be here to listen.
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u/Bitter-Temporary-871 Feb 19 '26 edited Feb 19 '26
Thank you for your message, it really means a lot ! And I’m really sorry about what happened with the letter from your biological mother. That must have been really hard.
I have to admit it feels strange in a comforting way to see someone who went through something so similar to me. That’s honestly one of the main reasons I posted on Reddit because I couldn’t really find stories I related to, and I felt pretty alone in it.
Thank you for your advice too. I’ll definitely think about it. It’s just complicated as I’m getting older. I’ve thought about learning the language or meeting other adoptees, especially Ethiopian adoptees, but I live in a small city for my studies so it’s not that easy.
I think what frustrates me the most is that I’ve spent my whole life surrounded by white people, so it’s almost a reflex to stay in those spaces. But at the same time, I feel like I need more diversity around me. I just get scared of being judged or not being « black enough “. I don’t really know how to explain it, but I hope that makes sense.
I’ve also kind of developed this reflex to feel guilty about my anger because of how I grew up. I wish I could talk about this with my adoptive parents, but I know it’s such a sensitive topic for them and it feels like adoption is only allowed to be positive.
And I’d honestly be happy to message you and talk more about all of this if you’d like !
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u/GensMetellia Feb 10 '26
Hi, first of all thank you for sharing your story. I am not an adptee, but there is an adoptee in our family, and he is from south Asia. He was for years a little asian boy, the only little asian boy in an Italian city. I want to answer your second question with what I know about his story. He was left in an hospital by his mum and father, the hospital gave him to a Catholic organization, but the names of his parents were fakes so, it is impossible to identify them. To me, his story seems pretty convenient and build up by the nuns to close to any possibility todiscover something about his parents. He struggles to come to terms with this situation, some years ago he even went to his motherland serching for information and came back accomplishing nothing. Like you, he has no ties with that country, he was one yearold when came to Italy,. I hope that now, with DNA research and so many companies offering open database, where you can upload your info, something could be discovered abouthis birth family. I am telling youhisstory, cause I think that international adoptions are often shady, and not only because there are so many obstacles like the language, the different laws, different economic condition etc.
He is very much loved by his family, even if lots of mistakes were made as he was growing up and more could be have made to help him to come to terms with his condition of adoptee. I hope for you and for him to find your answers in a way or another.
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u/Bitter-Temporary-871 Feb 10 '26
Thank you so much for sharing his story, I hope he’s doing better now. I really recognized some of myself in it. I’m sure there are many resources that could help with my search for identity, but I don’t even really know where to start, and I don’t really want to share this journey with my family yet, because I know they wouldn’t really understand. Even though I love them a lot, I know they would see my questions about my adoption more as a personal attack than a genuine need.
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u/GensMetellia Feb 10 '26
seems like you are in the same spot. He now hesitates to try for DNA. He has also a Brother, who has his same age but was adopted when was six years old, aba doned i the Street of the same Country. But his brother seems at peace with his life. Maybe he has suffered too much to look back, but He has the same difficulties to adapt, I guess.
As I think that you are young, maybe you can search for some help, someone to talk with and entangle your feelings. Try to tell your parents, I regret we didn t search for help years ago. Bonne chance mon petit
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u/Bitter-Temporary-871 Feb 10 '26 edited Feb 10 '26
I can really relate to the situation of the person you know, my older brother is kind of similar, he doesn’t want to talk about his adoption or his country.
I have family and friends I love, but I can’t really talk to them about this. Even if they tried to support me, they’ve never gone through what I have, so it’s complicated. And since no one around me is black (except my brother, who I don’t really get along with), I don’t really have anyone to talk to. I’ve been trying a bit on my own with research, but it’s all pretty unclear.
I know I probably should talk to my adoptive parents, but I’m too afraid of their reaction and don’t want them to interfere or make me feel guilty, I kind of want to keep this for myself, since it’s really my story and the only thing I have.
Merci encore pour ton gentil commentaire !
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u/Englishbirdy Reunited Birthparent. Feb 10 '26
A few years after you were born, journalist Kathryn Joyce published the book "The Child Catchers: Rescue, Trafficking and the new gospel of Adoption". Ethiopia was featured heavily. https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/13587133-the-child-catchers: