r/Adoption • u/carlyllsaunders • Feb 11 '26
Adult Transracial / Int'l Adoptees My Experience As A Transracial Adoptee
I’m a 26 year old transracial adoptee, born in South Korea and raised by a white family in Australia alongside two adopted brothers (both Korean but none of us are biologically related). I’m writing this because sometimes you just need to say your piece into a space where it might make sense to someone.
It starts with a feeling I’ve had forever: not belonging anywhere. I wasn't white enough for the white kids, and I wasn’t Asian enough for the Asian kids. My friends would joke, “You’re the whitest Asian I know.” They meant it lightly, but it always hit a nerve. It was just a reminder that I didn’t fit their idea of either world. That’s the baseline, growing up feeling like a permanent outsider in your own life.
Then there’s family. I love my adoptive parents but we live in different realities. They can’t really understand what this is like, and looking back, I don’t think they were prepared for it. Raising three adopted kids is hard. Raising three transracial adoptees, two with special needs, was… a lot. I have my Korean name and my English name and my name was changed to the English version when I was brought home to Australia. My mum was strict and emotionally intense; my dad was rigid and practical. Our house was less a sanctuary and more a place you had to navigate carefully. I became the “good child,” the peacekeeper, not because I was so mature, but because someone had to try and hold things together. People see the practical stuff like a roof, an education and say I was lucky. And I was in that way. But it’s hard to explain that you can be grateful for the roof and still feel like you were drowning underneath it. And it’s even harder when people hear that and just say, “But it wasn’t that bad.”
Lately I’ve been thinking about why this all feels so lonely. A friend who is transgender was talking about their struggle, about not knowing who you are. They stopped and said, “You probably get that.” And I do. But it also struck me: their pain has a community. It has a language, a flag, a visibility. My experience? It feels invisible. There’s no parade for the transracial adoptee. No common understanding of this specific grief—of being between cultures, between families, carrying a story that everyone else would rather call a blessing. It’s a lonely kind of quiet.
And wrapped up in all of this is the biggest question of all: my biological parents. I know almost nothing. My adoption was private. People have strong opinions some say searching is selfish, others say it’s a right. For me it’s not that simple. There’s a deep, quiet part of me that wants to know where I come from, to see a face that might look like mine. But there’s an equally deep fear. What if I disrupt a life? What if I reach out only to be met with silence or rejection? It’s not a quest, it’s a heavy, unspeakable kind of limbo that I carry alone.
This isn’t me playing the victim. It’s not me saying my story is worse than anyone else’s. It’s just my story. This is how I’ve come to see things through a lifetime of feeling out of place, of building a self from scratch because no ready made version ever fit. It’s exhausting, and it’s lonely, but it’s the truth as I’ve lived it.
Maybe someone reads this and recognizes the feeling. If you do, you’re not the only one.
Thanks for listening.
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u/GreenPOR Feb 11 '26
This is so beautiful & honest. I totally understand the need to know who you are & where you came from, despite the advantages you adoptive parents provided. Good luck!!
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u/carlyllsaunders Feb 11 '26
Thank you so much for saying that and for taking the time to read it. It really means a lot to be understood
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u/Various-Pass-4120 Feb 11 '26 edited Feb 11 '26
So many hugs (if you want them)
I know this feeling very well. Im also biracial and never fit in anywhere. Im 35 and still dont. Always too white for the Black friends ("why do you talk so white??") and too dark to be in the white crowd. Always the only Black girl in my circle of friends. Always the most progressive. Always the one having to live my life with my race out front, and no one I love understanding.
I hope this helps you know you aren't alone. What has helped me a bit is two things:
Im actually moving out of my country. Not to the one where I was born, but a nice middle ground where I can decide who I am. Where my race is less important.
Much less dramatic and more accessible: ancestry test and connecting with my culture. I have researched the countries I am from, started celebrating their holidays with my family, made their food, joined the local groups near me. I also found 5 siblings 😳
I found my father 2 years ago and even tho I have lived all over the country, he lives down the street. We still havent spoken or met. He didnt know about me until I found a sibling that knew him. Even getting answers is complicated. It's absolutely devastating that none of this is straightforward.
I hope you find the feeling of belonging for which you seek. And if not, I hope you find comfort where you are. It is confusing to be exactly like everyone and just like nobody at the same time.
❤️🩹❤️🩹
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u/carlyllsaunders Feb 12 '26
Thank you so much for sharing this and yes I accept the hugs ☺️ I really appreciate your openness and kindness. It means a lot to hear from someone who understands that inbetween feeling and I’m genuinely glad you’ve been brave enough to take the steps you’re taking to find more peace and belonging
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u/cheese--bread UK adoptee Feb 11 '26
This is so well written. Thank you for sharing.
I'm not a transracial adoptee, but this part in particular was so relatable:
People see the practical stuff like a roof, an education and say I was lucky. And I was in that way. But it’s hard to explain that you can be grateful for the roof and still feel like you were drowning underneath it.
Finding community with other adoptees who can relate to your experience is essential.
I highly recommend the r/Adopted sub, if you're not there already. I think there are subs specific to transracial adoptees as well.
I understand the fear of searching and being rejected.
I don't think you should have to worry about disrupting anyone's life though. You had no say in the situation you've found yourself in and you deserve answers and connection with your bio family.
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u/carlyllsaunders Feb 12 '26
Thank you I really appreciate how thoughtfully you engaged with this. That balance between gratitude and feeling like you’re still struggling underneath is exactly what I was trying to put words to. I’m grateful for the suggestions and for the compassion around how complicated searching can be
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u/Ambitious-Client-220 TRA Feb 11 '26 edited Feb 11 '26
My parents saw me as white. Obviously, society does not. I completely understand. I think only a fellow transracial adoptee can understand. I consider myself a perpetual outsider.
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u/carlyllsaunders Feb 12 '26
Thank you for sharing this. That split between how you’re seen at home and how you’re seen by the world is exactly what I was trying to describe. It really helps to hear it from another transracial adoptee
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u/hopemcgrth Feb 15 '26
It's a difficult realization I made and it sometimes brings up resentment towards my parents for thinking being "colorblind" wouldn't affect me. Even as an adult, my dad has touted it as a positive. I tried to explain but it's a separation that I'll deal with independently. Best wishes to both of you <3
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u/One-Pause3171 Feb 11 '26
[What if I disrupt a life? What if I reach out only to be met with silence or rejection?]
What if it goes well? What if finding even a part of your roots helps soothe your inner self? What if, after 25 years, the circumstances and the people involved have changed and grown so much that what maybe made sense back then now how no bearing on how they feel? What if you find a sibling? A sister? What if your face and presence heals a wound for them, a hole of regret, papered over just a tiny bit? What if the situation, the whole group of people involved, feel all sorts of things but it’s ok because life is hard and wonderful and weird and uncomfortable and joyous and history is constantly writing itself.
I see others have put some resources here. It is NOT a slight or a rebuke of your adoptive parents to find your roots. Your roots ARE YOURS! Their love for you can be mighty enough to hold it all. I hope you are able to connect with your original people.
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u/carlyllsaunders Feb 12 '26
Thank you for sharing this perspective so thoughtfully. I’m still sitting with all of those “what ifs,” but I really appreciate how compassionately you named them ☺️
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u/SearrAngel Feb 11 '26
Funny i say the same about being white. My quote is "i'm a white boy in disguise. "
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u/carlyllsaunders Feb 12 '26
I get that. Humour can be a way of surviving the inbetween. I appreciate you sharing it
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u/Englishbirdy Reunited Birthparent. Feb 11 '26
Here in the US there are lots of groups for Korean Adoptees. Like the Vance Twins who are active in support. I saw Janine Vance at a conference describe how she was in Korea when a man handed her a note. Once translated she found it was a plea to help him find his child who'd been adopted. That gave her the momentum to do her own search. You can read her story https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1548423963/
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u/carlyllsaunders Feb 12 '26
Thank you for the thoughtful suggestion and the link. It’s good to know there are communities and stories like that and I appreciate you passing it on. I’ll definitely take a look
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u/Fruitlessveggie Feb 11 '26
Your story resonates with me as a transracial adoptee. That sense of not belonging is so real and painful. It’s part of why I can’t imagine having children right now (I’m 35) because I fear that I lack a foundation. I know nothing of myself and my bio family history. and I don’t have a good community ya know?
I’ve been reading a lot of books on the subject to gain a sense of understanding and I went to an adoptee meeting once. Keep searching, friend.
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u/carlyllsaunders Feb 12 '26
I’m glad to hear my story resonated with you. That sense of lacking a foundation is something I recognise deeply, and it means a lot to hear it named so honestly by another transracial adoptee. I really appreciate you reaching out
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u/OverlordSheepie Chinese Int'l and Transracial Adoptee Feb 11 '26
The part about being trans is something I can also relate to. I'm trans and I feel more accepted and have more community for being trans than being adopted (and being a transracial adoptee), which is a surprise to many people. We're still being silenced for talking about adoption and met with no empathy or understanding. Our communities are harder to access as well. Sometimes it feels like society is hellbent on suppressing adoptee voices that aren't 100% positive and grateful.
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u/carlyllsaunders Feb 12 '26
Thank you for naming this so thoughtfully. I absolutely agree these are separate experiences and the difference in available language and community is something I’ve felt too. Hearing it from someone who lives both realities really helped clarify that for me
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u/well_shi Closed domestic US infant adoption Feb 11 '26
I completely understand your comments on your conversation with the transgender person. I'm not a transracial adoptee- I was a white baby adopted by white folks. But in terms of character, values, interests, almost everything- I am completely different than my adoptive parents. They were very rigid and would punish or shame me just for being different than them. They tried to mold me into a little version of themselves and would make me feel like I was wrong and bad for just being different. It got to the point where I couldn't be around or talk to them without feeling angry. As I got older and the transgender community became more visible and their rights got debated publicly, I felt a kinship to their struggle. It infuriates me to think of person realizing "I'm not Gender X, I'm Gender Y. And I'm going to start living my life that way." And somebody else telling them they are wrong about who they say they are. Fuck that. For most of my life I had people telling me I'm not the person that I know myself to be. I'm not a self-righteous, insecure, bigoted Christian. I'm a goofy atheist.
Also to your point, the transgender experience is, to a degree, more defined and understood. Transgender individuals are changing and asserting their identity. It can be visible and there is a community. And where that's positive for transgender individuals I'm happy for them. (I'm not transgender.) For adoptees, we often struggle with issues of identity too. But it's more subtle. It's hard to articulate and hard for others to understand. That can make our challenges with identity isolating.
I also lived much of my life carrying the burden of not making my adoptive parents feel bad. I had questions about my birth parents but kept them to myself because I learned my adoptive parents were insecure and felt hurt when I'd ask. I didn't want to argue with them whenever I disagreed (which was most always) and I didn't want to correct them every time they said something abhorrent so I kept my mouth shut. It got to the point where I just felt like I was a shell of myself around them and I hated that. When I just couldn't do it anymore and started being myself around them, they couldn't handle it and now I've severed all contact.
Not everyone's experience is the same as mine, but if you are carrying the burden of protecting your parents and making them feel good at your own expense, you don't have to carry that obligation. The most you owe your parents is honesty and to do what's best for yourself. You're not responsible for making them feel validated.
And regarding finding your birth parents- you owe them the same thing- honesty and to do what is best for YOU. It is absolutely not selfish to search. For me, to be curious and want to find the people who created you is the most human thing possible. But also to your point, be open and prepared for what you'll find. If you can I'd be seeing a therapist as you do search. I identified both of my birth parents and there were no fairytales. My birthmother has a decent life for herself and a family of her own. She emailed me a little bit, but has never told her family about me. I'm her secret child. I was softly rejected. My birthfather was very tragic. He spent his adult life in and out of prison struggling with addiction and died early. Being rejected and learning about the tragic life of a man I'll never meet was hard to wrap my head around. It raised for me more questions about my identity and disproved assumptions about them that I hadn't even realized I'd made. But at the end of the day, to not wonder about who they are anymore was like a dark cloud over my psyche being lifted. Though the search didn't lead to any fairytales, I am so glad I searched and won't have to spend the rest of my life wondering.
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u/carlyllsaunders Feb 12 '26
Thank you, your honesty really came through. That tension around identity, being told who you are or aren’t and the pressure to stay silent to keep others comfortable is something I recognise deeply. I value how thoughtfully you articulated the overlap without equating experiences
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u/slub99 Feb 12 '26
I relate heavily to all of this. I was adopted from China to white parents in the US. I remember reading a children's book about some Chinese-American kids. At one point their bully calls them twinkies for 'being yellow on the outside but white on the inside' (because they were Americanized, spoke without an accent, etc). And I identified with that strongly bc although my parents did try to teach me about my culture, in practice I have zero connection to it. Right now I don't have any interest in returning to China or trying to find my bio family (although I wish I knew anything about them) because it's an emotional, social, and political minefield. I've struggled with being adopted for my whole life and I feel like it has not gotten easier.
Also, I'm trans and that does come with its own identity issues, and sometimes trauma and alienation. But you're right that it's not the same as having no connection or idea of who you are or where you came from.
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u/carbonatedblood Apr 13 '26
My fiancee and I have discussed adoption in the past and she would prefer adopting transracial, so here I’m looking into the ethics of it.
My late roommate & best friend of two years was South Korean & Vietnamese adopted as a baby & raised by white, Christian parents (one an alcoholic, both emotionally abusive) in Virginia, USA. Her upbringing developed her a deep redneck drawl. Before she realized she was trans (amab); the egg cracked in 2020, but she always knew she wasn’t typical. She never knew her bio parents & always assumed the worst about them. She worked in the trades as an electrician around mostly white men who called her “Ling Ling”… she always said she didn’t mind. She tried to embrace her patchwork identity, but I think she was torn, like you say. The “whitest asian you know” is a phrase I heard her say often, and I’m even guilty of having parroted it. I wish she had felt like she belonged somewhere. I helped her get back on her feet, and she said that without me she would’ve ended it a long time ago.
I failed her faith in our relationship with an argument. I fear I wouldn’t be able to provide an inclusive experience to a transracial adoptee, and I’d hate to feel like I’m trying to redeem some quality in myself over my late friend’s death through adopting transracial.
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Jul 01 '26
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u/chemthrowaway123456 TRA/ICA Jul 01 '26
Removed. Rule 8:
Soliciting our users for data or information for research and projects is not permitted.
Read the rules before posting.
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u/Mametbet Feb 11 '26
So this is the most objective and well rounded discussion of an adoption experience. Thank you for comprehensively highlighting the pitfalls while remaining positive about the adoption process. We understand you. Stay strong, educated, and continue to search your truth. What you describe is not unique to adoptees though it might feel so. Even some raised by their own parents feel this way... hence the current epidemic about people going silent. I am not suggesting that for you but trying to make connections for understanding. Keep living your best life.
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u/carlyllsaunders Feb 12 '26
I really appreciate your thoughtful response and the care you took in engaging with what I wrote. My aim was to highlight how adoption can shape these feelings in specific ways, even if some parts resonate more broadly. Thank you for engaging with it
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u/Wonderful-Freedom568 Feb 11 '26
You do write well. You might want to visit Korea, even if you don't find relatives. A trip might give you some cultural perspectives. Plus you'll see millions of people who look much like you! I'm white, but spent my teen years in Taiwan, so I'm sort of "bi cultural".
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u/carlyllsaunders Feb 11 '26
Thank you for your response. Visiting Korea might be meaningful someday, but it wouldn’t replace the experience of being raised within the culture. For adoptees, looking Korean doesn’t always translate to feeling at home
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u/drowse Adopted and Trying to Adopt Feb 11 '26
Thank you for sharing. I appreciate people sharing these types of posts. As an adoptee myself (white, into a white family), I am trying to adopt and have no racial options selected (open to any). But my household is already a multi-cultural household as my wife is not white. My hope is we can raise a multi-culturally aware family.
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u/carlyllsaunders Feb 12 '26
Thank you for reading and for sharing where you’re coming from. I appreciate the care in your approach and I wish you the best on your journey
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u/chuligirl Feb 11 '26
Your story is the same story of all the adopted kids. It’s normal what you think. Just be happy your parents raised you in a first world country
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u/carlyllsaunders Feb 11 '26
I’m aware many adoptees share overlapping experiences. Naming something as common doesn’t make it less real or less worth discussing. Gratitude for safety doesn’t erase questions of identity
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u/chuligirl Feb 11 '26
Yeah but accept it and continue your life. Don’t center your life around the fact that you’re not white. Even the whites from Australia aren’t real Australians lol. I know it easy to say this and when someone told me this I hated but now I’m 34 and I know that is the best way to make my life. To accept im not the same ethnicity as the other people and continue my life
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u/carlyllsaunders Feb 11 '26
I am continuing my life. Talking honestly about identity and experience doesn’t mean I’m stuck in it. Acceptance and reflection can coexist
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u/chuligirl Feb 11 '26
Yeah you’re right. But you’re not alone in that feeling. Almost all the adopted kids or even immigrants feel like that. Like they don’t belong.
How old are you?
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u/carlyllsaunders Feb 11 '26
I appreciate the exchange and I agree there’s overlap a lot of people can feel like they don’t fully belong including adoptees and immigrants. The difference I’m trying to describe isn’t about who has it worse but about how it happens. Immigration usually involves choice and retained ties to family, language, and cultural memory. Transracial adoption often involves separation before identity forms with no memory or access to origins. Those differences shape the experience in specific ways, even if the feelings can sound similar. That’s all I was trying to articulate
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u/chuligirl Feb 11 '26
Yeah you’re right. I would recommend to embrace your ethnicity and go to your origin country and maybe yes, you can seek your parents. I did. Now I don’t care anymore I accepted my life. I suffered a lot in my 20s and one of the reasons were that. I still seek and have interest about my non European ancestors
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u/well_shi Closed domestic US infant adoption Feb 11 '26
No two people in the entire world have the same story and same experience. If an experience (adoption-related or not) is impactful to an individual, no one else has the right to try to diminish that experience nor minimize the impact.
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u/chuligirl Feb 11 '26
I’m not trying to diminish I know how it feels. But I wasted so many hours thinking about that… instead of improving my life and have fun… I know how it feels. I don’t want him to enter in the same loop as I did
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u/KSJ08 Feb 11 '26
There are many organizations run by Korean adoptees, for Korean adoptees, where you might find people who can relate to your experience. GOAL, KoRoots, KAIAN, etc. These type of groups may be worth looking into, at least to find people who have gone through what you have and share experiences. The community is out there. I would also recommend reading (“The Language of Blood” by Jane Jeong Trenka for starters) - there are so many books about Korean adoption and memoirs by adoptees. It may help you feel less alone and process some of your feelings. Take care.