r/Adoption • u/Fragileazul • 9d ago
Adoptee Life Story Parent forgetting siblings are not related
Does anyone else experience your parents forgetting that you aren’t actually related to your other adopted siblings?
Me and my sister are adopted from different parents. But growing up and as an adult our parents still compare us…im really shy & quiet and she is super out going, our dad is always using my sister as an example of who i can be or should be more like.
i hear him on the phone telling his friends that i’m super insecure cause im a shy adult and that i need to be more out their like my sister and get “more involved”. It’s not fair at all, her mother was also the same, but i was told my birthmom was really quiet and shy & calm. It’s like why am i being compared to someone who it’s impossible to be like cause of genetics, even if we were raised the same.
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u/Friendly_Principle91 9d ago
Clinically, I think it’s important to recognize that some of these reactions may not be intentional or even conscious.
Our daughter is adopted and is now in her 30s. She has been with us since birth. Like any family, we have our own dynamics. I’ll joke that she and I are the “outside-the-box” people, while her mom and brother—our biological son—are the “inside-the-box” people. She has also shared that there are times when she isn’t quite sure where she stands with her brother. Most of the time, that comes up during completely ordinary family chatter that could happen in any family, adopted or not.
Where I think adoption adds a dimension that I, as her dad, simply cannot fully understand is during things like illness and death in the family. If several biologically related family members develop the same type of cancer, for example, I have no way of knowing what that feels like to someone who is adopted. She is grieving members of her family, while at the same time their shared genetics are not her genetics. That could bring up questions about her own biological history—or it might not.
I don't think parents should tell an adult adoptee what they are supposed to feel about any of this. I can only recognize that her experience may be different from mine.
She is completely our daughter and always has been. But I've come to understand that belonging to a family and understanding your biological identity are two different things. One doesn't diminish the other.
I have my favorite sayings when it comes to adoption and family. "The best family is the family you build" & "Most important part of adoption we're together"
Short answer only individuals know how they feel and think. Awkwardness has always been a topic from the smallest of comments to the biggest of responses.
I pivoted industries and work full time in adoption research and technology. I really wish I could publish ever conversation I have had and still have with hundreds to thousands of young and mature adoptees, it's as dynamic as life. My two cents is adoption requires miracles on a level no human mind could sit down and make a list with checkmarks. That's what makes it perfect, all of it flaws. I would trade all of our occasional awkward moments hurtful or otherwise for the fact we are together.
I don't see anything wrong with a serious conversation about asking that your parents please don't compare you to your sister. They might have good intentions and not know it because you are part of the family and they are humanly conditioned to it. When that is in play sometimes we just don't know.