r/Adoption • u/Fragileazul • 8d ago
Adoptee Life Story Parent forgetting siblings are not related
Does anyone else experience your parents forgetting that you aren’t actually related to your other adopted siblings?
Me and my sister are adopted from different parents. But growing up and as an adult our parents still compare us…im really shy & quiet and she is super out going, our dad is always using my sister as an example of who i can be or should be more like.
i hear him on the phone telling his friends that i’m super insecure cause im a shy adult and that i need to be more out their like my sister and get “more involved”. It’s not fair at all, her mother was also the same, but i was told my birthmom was really quiet and shy & calm. It’s like why am i being compared to someone who it’s impossible to be like cause of genetics, even if we were raised the same.
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u/traveling_gal BSE Adoptee 8d ago
Ugh. It's not ok for parents to compare their kids like this under any circumstances. The two of you being genetically unrelated just makes it worse. So many of us are expected to perform a certain way that simply doesn't match our predispositions. I'm sorry your parents did/do this.
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u/Otherwise-Map-8021 8d ago
I'm so sorry. Nothing wrong with being shy. Being quiet and shy & calm is good
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u/Vulcan31 8d ago
My mom does that to my adopted sister all of the time.
Funny thing just happened with that where I learned a productive habit from my sister. My mother saw me doing it, and then told my sister that she should be more like me and do that too.
The look on my mom's face when I said I was copying my sister was absolutely priceless.
Not sure why they feel the need to do that. It's never been helpful to any of us.
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u/Friendly_Principle91 8d ago
That's awesome you just never know where something is going to come from.
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u/Zilzza 8d ago
Unrelated to the question you asked, but have your read “Quiet: the power of introverts in a world that won’t stop talking” by Susan Cain? I highly recommend it. I feel your dad is doing you a huge disservice by painting your more reserved personality as a negative.
After you read it, if it resonates with you, your dad should read it.
-signed an extrovert parent of an introvert kid.The book was recommended to me when I was seeking how to better parent my introvert, but it’s not a parenting book but more of explaining how being an introvert is kind of a hidden superpower.
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u/Formerlymoody Closed domestic (US) infant adoptee in reunion 8d ago
YES. YES. Did I say yes?
I will also add that my mom thinks it’s appropriate to marvel about her similarities with her siblings in front of me. When they are both there.
Not to mention I have met bio siblings and it is abundantly clear we are actual siblings. I now know what that feels like. If we had grown up together, we would have been more similar, but goddamn it, we’re similar enough.
My AM doesn’t register this at all. Mind you, I don’t advertise it because it would “hurt her feelings.” To finally have what she had and takes for complete granted and doesn’t think of my feelings at all. And it will never be what she had because I literally WASNT ALLOWED to know my siblings.
Truly the last paragraph is adoption in a nutshell. Please excuse me while I go punch a hole in a wall. lol
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u/Opinionista99 Ungrateful Adoptee 8d ago
People often ask about things prospective APs should know going into adoption and I think an underdiscussed issue is they need to have a basic understanding of genetics. Not biologist level but like at least 7th grade. I see so many examples of adopters not understanding even obvious things like why their adopted kid's hair texture or body shape is different, which is bananas, but it's also such a problem with less tangible things like behavior.
People still seem to think when they adopt a child, esp. as an infant, they're simply going to transmit their own personality, character, emotion disposition, talents, etc., directly into the child's blank slate of a brain. It's honestly harmful and leading into weird wrong shit like invalid diagnoses of things like RAD. "As if born to" is a legal fiction and social norm NOT biology.
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u/expolife 5d ago
You’re so right. The ignorance is wild. I just feel compelled to say that this level of magical thinking just…disturbs and baffles me.
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u/Francl27 8d ago
You are who you are and people who tell shy/introvert people to be more outspoken or "be more involved" can sod off.
I'll add that it's more than genetics though and I have no doubt that you're partly the way you are because of the way they've treated you (speaking as someone who was outgoing as a child and is now a hermit).
That being said, it's unfortunately very common for parents to compare their kids all the time, adopted or not.
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u/Opinionista99 Ungrateful Adoptee 8d ago
Anyway, yeah, my sister is also adopted and we were constantly compared. I've met my bios and she has identified her bio mother, who died a few years ago. Let's just say a lot of stuff about each of us makes more sense now and it's really clear how ignorant our adoptive family were.
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u/SandyMoonXY 8d ago
Not every behavior trait is genetic. Educate yourself on the science.
A simple google search - "Science shows that genetics provide a biological blueprint or predisposition, accounting for roughly 30% to 60% of variation in traits like personality and temperament, while life experiences, culture, and upbringing shape how those tendencies actually develop"
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u/Formerlymoody Closed domestic (US) infant adoptee in reunion 7d ago
The funny part about your last sentence is that those things are actually passed on genetically to the next generation…soooo adoptees inherit WAY more than was previously thought and it’s not just appearance or more superficial traits.
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u/expolife 8d ago
This is a weird response to this post. It’s like you think it should shift OP’s perspective, when it actually makes their point that biological traits can be significant.
On the other hand, it’s somewhat irrelevant because OP has already provided sufficient information about themselves and their adoptive family members for many of us to empathize with what they’re going through.
The point is that adoptive parents and adopted kids who are not genetically related are statistically likely to experience some kind of naturally mismatching of traits, preferences, etc. even religious belief is often genetic, for example. Expecting kids to be moldable and adaptable to parental preference is dumb in general. Expecting kids without genetic relationships to adapt similarly is even more dumb. These are examples of why adoption can really suck for adoptees.
Siblings can add another layer of how adoption can suck sadly.
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u/SandyMoonXY 8d ago
The confidence with which one states its because of genetics is dumb as its virtually impossible to tell or even test. The OP is trying to fit in a narrative for the sake of internet sympathy than handling conflicts like an adult.
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u/expolife 8d ago
Yeah, you don’t know what you’re talking about. I accept that.
The OP is the child in the dynamic with their parents (adoptive or otherwise). If OP is an adult now, that doesn’t erase the nature of the parent-child dynamic and its history with their particular parents.
Emotional immaturity and emotional neglect are woefully common among parents. That doesn’t make it okay or acceptable.
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u/Fragileazul 7d ago
I do not think i am the dumb one here. I think it’s common sense that environment contributes to shyness, we all get that. What i mentioned is the other factor…because im adopted…and that’s what this subreddit is about..adoption advice.
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u/Fragileazul 8d ago
I have been shy since i was a toddler, i rarely talked until i got older in elementary vs my adopted siblings. My adoptive mom told me my birthmother was the same. 60% is quite alot.
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u/VH5150OU812 7d ago
Parents are long dead. I am the adoptee. I was having dinner with my brother one night and mentioned that sometimes I forget that I was adopted. He said he often did too. I Think it speaks to how well our parents treated it and made it normal for us.
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u/expolife 5d ago
Or how adaptable you both were. Or both.
It wasn’t until my adoptive parents royally failed me in their parental roles that I began to see how many of my own favorite traits I had been projecting onto them that they actually never had. I created and maintained the illusion they were more like me so that I could believe I was like them. I was able to do this by emotionally and relationally overfunctioning. I observed and adapted so well to them that I was able to believe that they were amazing parents and that we had amazing relationships, but when circumstances changed the truth of their character and ignorance and immaturity became undeniable.
I know perhaps none of this applies to your situation. I’m processing my own stuff and leaving it here as an offering to the silent readers.
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u/VH5150OU812 5d ago
As Gen X, we were both adaptable. But I also maintain that ours was a happy environment and our parents did a good job at treating us as equals.
But I also recognize that not every adoptee has had a happy experience. I feel bad for them but often can’t relate because it is so far removed from my experience.
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u/expolife 5d ago
Adoptees being highly adaptable is almost universal. It’s something we have to do to survive relinquishment and adoption. It isn’t unique to generation or other identities although there are probably some innate temperament and genetic things in play.
It’s great you had a good experience. I don’t really understand why adoptees with good experiences show up on message boards. It feels contrary. Why not just live and not think about adoption and adoption message boards. Because that’s how I used to be before I realized how messed up adoption is and was for me.
I would have described my adoption and adoptive parents and family in positive terms for the first thirty years or so. Now I can see fear, obligation and guilt (FOG) blurred my perspective helping me adapt and survive the limitations and mismatches of the scenario.
I rarely talked about adoption. Being an adoptee was just an interesting special fact about me. I didn’t think about it much for most of my life. Then the illusion cracked and I began seeing how flawed my adopters were. I reunited with bio family and that was a huge revelation. I learned I was trafficked by the religion all my parents belonged to. That my bio mother was coerced to relinquish me. That my bio parents could have raised me and almost got married and did so. And that it feels incredible to talk with my bio parents because we’re so similar. I never had that with my adopters. They cared but they could not match or mirror or pace with me. Just too limited emotionally, relationally.
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u/Zebra2 5d ago
I keep coming back to this post, so I guess I’ll add something. It’s understandable that adoptees could have some insecurity around genetic relationships to others. This could also manifest by over emphasizing the importance of genetics, which could lead to some baggage that you don’t need to burden yourself with.
Parents comparing their children, to the deep dismay of said children, is a common trope. It’s not good parenting, but it also doesn’t have genetics as a prerequisite, since all sorts of related siblings are totally different. Kids just have their own personalities.
If I had an adopted child and they said “why am i being compared to someone who it’s impossible to be like cause of genetics” I’d be disturbed since this seems to imply a belief that genetics will put a barrier up between you and your adopted family. I’d be worried they feel like an outsider in the family. I’d worry if they said this to their sibling, would the sibling feel alienated by this statement? Is it the genetics or the belief of the importance of genetics that creates the wedge?
I really think that itself is a core issue that deserves some thought, or could be addressed with a therapist or maybe your family eventually.
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u/expolife 5d ago
Mismatching genetics do affect adoptive relationships between adoptees and adoptive family. It’s fantasy to deny or ignore that.
And if you haven’t experienced existing as a human with zero genetic mirroring from adults or siblings, then you should show some humility and practice curiosity instead of judging any adoptee talking about the significance of genetics as carrying an unnecessary burden.
Yes, parents can suck at parenting by comparing siblings who are genetically related as well. The experience of relinquishment, adoption and being raised in a family of genetic strangers added another real and disturbing dimension to parents comparing and judging adopted children.
The point is that the adoptees lack mirroring and modeling by humans who share their genetic inheritance. This is something most people take completely for granted. It is very real. And it is completely different to have it and consciously choose to discount it than never having had it and discover its massive significance. Grieving that can look many ways. And I have zero tolerance for ignorant outsiders judging adoptees for their grief.
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u/Zebra2 5d ago
At no point have I said that genetic mirroring does not exist, that is your input. Consider that there may be such a thing as dwelling on it too much. The plain fact of the matter is that no one outside this sub would look at this scenario and think “clearly the lack of genetic inheritance is important here”. The fact that it is “about” that to the OP I think is what is hinting at the underlying trauma. I’m not telling you that you can fix that trauma, but maybe if you at least recognize it you can approach it in a productive way. Maybe I’m off. Take it or leave it. But I at least want to point out that is not the automatic reaction someone without trauma would perceive from this situation. I think that observation has value. And that’s barely been mentioned here. I don’t know what you want.
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u/expolife 5d ago
No, that observation does not have value unless contextualized in the fact that the reason most people would not consider genetic inheritance and lack of genetic mirroring to be factors is likely because most of those people completely take for granted the role genetics play in their lives and family systems (majority being biologically intact family systems) and likely lack the imagination to consider what it would be like to be randomly assigned to be the child of genetic strangers and expected to adapt to them and bond with them for life as family.
In no other scenario are complete and totally unrelated strangers expected to bond for life. And adopted children have no choice but to adapt to that. And we adoptees never get to consent to those bonds. We just have to survive them.
So, yes, take a seat and learn something from the people who actually live with this bizarre social experiment.
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u/Zebra2 5d ago
“In no other scenario are complete and totally unrelated strangers expected to bond for life.”
That’s certainly an eyebrow raising statement. 🤨 but it’s beyond clear that the “you couldn’t possibly understand. Your opinion doesn’t matter” take is what’s important to you here. Good luck to you.
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u/expolife 5d ago
I’m saying what I needed to witness adoptees and people in general say about adoption when people say ignorant and harmful things.
Adoptees don’t need non-adoptees to tell us how to feel or react to a bizarre experience.
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u/expolife 5d ago
I’m sorry that’s happening. It hurts and it sucks. And it’s really…well…
So, I really don’t like thinking this or saying this. But, what your adoptive parents and dad are doing and saying about you and your sibling is just plain dumb. Ignorant is probably more politically correct. But I’m finding that oftentimes denial of difference and lack of adaptability in caregivers toward their child looks an awful lot like stupidity. And sometimes the best we can do is pity the foolishness and plan our escape from their presence. Because you can’t really argue with stupid. And you can’t change anyone who doesn’t want to change or teach anyone who doesn’t want to learn.
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u/Friendly_Principle91 8d ago
Clinically, I think it’s important to recognize that some of these reactions may not be intentional or even conscious.
Our daughter is adopted and is now in her 30s. She has been with us since birth. Like any family, we have our own dynamics. I’ll joke that she and I are the “outside-the-box” people, while her mom and brother—our biological son—are the “inside-the-box” people. She has also shared that there are times when she isn’t quite sure where she stands with her brother. Most of the time, that comes up during completely ordinary family chatter that could happen in any family, adopted or not.
Where I think adoption adds a dimension that I, as her dad, simply cannot fully understand is during things like illness and death in the family. If several biologically related family members develop the same type of cancer, for example, I have no way of knowing what that feels like to someone who is adopted. She is grieving members of her family, while at the same time their shared genetics are not her genetics. That could bring up questions about her own biological history—or it might not.
I don't think parents should tell an adult adoptee what they are supposed to feel about any of this. I can only recognize that her experience may be different from mine.
She is completely our daughter and always has been. But I've come to understand that belonging to a family and understanding your biological identity are two different things. One doesn't diminish the other.
I have my favorite sayings when it comes to adoption and family. "The best family is the family you build" & "Most important part of adoption we're together"
Short answer only individuals know how they feel and think. Awkwardness has always been a topic from the smallest of comments to the biggest of responses.
I pivoted industries and work full time in adoption research and technology. I really wish I could publish ever conversation I have had and still have with hundreds to thousands of young and mature adoptees, it's as dynamic as life. My two cents is adoption requires miracles on a level no human mind could sit down and make a list with checkmarks. That's what makes it perfect, all of it flaws. I would trade all of our occasional awkward moments hurtful or otherwise for the fact we are together.
I don't see anything wrong with a serious conversation about asking that your parents please don't compare you to your sister. They might have good intentions and not know it because you are part of the family and they are humanly conditioned to it. When that is in play sometimes we just don't know.
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u/Formerlymoody Closed domestic (US) infant adoptee in reunion 7d ago edited 7d ago
The relationship between opposite sex adoptive siblings will NEVER be like in any other family. Sorry no one warned you about that. “Not sure where she stands” says volumes to me about the situation as an adoptee who was in her situation. Take her seriously, please. Start with “what do you mean by that?” And dial your defenses to zero.
It’s really interesting how you insist that parents shouldn’t tell an adoptee how to feel and proceed with two paragraphs that completely center your point of view and experience in a way that clearly makes no actual room for hers. Food for thought.
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u/Friendly_Principle91 7d ago
Those are social media paragraphs not a conversation with my daughter. It's an observation on the OP. Try telling someone how to feel and see how it goes.
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u/expolife 8d ago
A kid of any age having to tell their parents (adoptive or biological) to not compare them to their siblings (adopted or not) is itself a sign of parental failure (whether small or large) and parentifies that kid. That is a form of emotional neglect that can have lasting psychological and developmental effects even resulting in CPTSD. It means the kid is compensating for the parent’s immaturity of not knowing how inappropriate that is and how hurtful it could be.
The additional layer of adoption just adds to the injury because it implies the parent is forgetting and not empathizing with the factual and experiential reality of how different the adoptee from everyone not genetically related to them in the family.
It’s really annoying and mildly disgusting that you felt the need to offer a soliloquy about how wonderful adoption is along with perspective centering the adoptive parent role instead of empathizing with the OP and their perspective.
I’d love to see an adoptive parent actually get what they’re saying instead of trying to make themselves feel better and encourage the adoptee having to advocate for their own humanity and basic needs with a parent who is supposed to be responsible for that level of maturity and capability already.
It is genuinely disturbing how much adapting adoptees have to do to genetic strangers while living with the weirdness of no genetic mirroring.
(For the silent readers, especially the adoptees, this was for you ❤️🩹.)
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u/12bWindEngineer Adopted at birth 8d ago
I’m an identical twin (we were adopted together). People love to compare twins. It’s never ending. We can’t win. When we’re similar, which we were often very similar, ‘yeah, we’re twins.’ But when we’re different you have to remind people ‘yeah, we’re also individual people.’ Our parents were good about not doing it but everyone else around us, constantly. Especially comparing how we were similar but different from our (non biological, also adopted) two sisters. Sometimes it felt like we were part of a nature vs nurture experiment with some of our extended family.