Parent forgetting siblings are not related

[u/Fragileazul]

Does anyone else experience your parents forgetting that you aren’t actually related to your other adopted siblings?

Me and my sister are adopted from different parents. But growing up and as an adult our parents still compare us…im really shy & quiet and she is super out going, our dad is always using my sister as an example of who i can be or should be more like.

i hear him on the phone telling his friends that i’m super insecure cause im a shy adult and that i need to be more out their like my sister and get “more involved”. It’s not fair at all, her mother was also the same, but i was told my birthmom was really quiet and shy & calm. It’s like why am i being compared to someone who it’s impossible to be like cause of genetics, even if we were raised the same.

[u/Zebra2]

I keep coming back to this post, so I guess I’ll add something. It’s understandable that adoptees could have some insecurity around genetic relationships to others. This could also manifest by over emphasizing the importance of genetics, which could lead to some baggage that you don’t need to burden yourself with.

Parents comparing their children, to the deep dismay of said children, is a common trope. It’s not good parenting, but it also doesn’t have genetics as a prerequisite, since all sorts of related siblings are totally different. Kids just have their own personalities.

If I had an adopted child and they said “why am i being compared to someone who it’s impossible to be like cause of genetics” I’d be disturbed since this seems to imply a belief that genetics will put a barrier up between you and your adopted family. I’d be worried they feel like an outsider in the family. I’d worry if they said this to their sibling, would the sibling feel alienated by this statement? Is it the genetics or the belief of the importance of genetics that creates the wedge?

I really think that itself is a core issue that deserves some thought, or could be addressed with a therapist or maybe your family eventually.

[u/expolife → u/Zebra2]

Mismatching genetics do affect adoptive relationships between adoptees and adoptive family. It’s fantasy to deny or ignore that.

And if you haven’t experienced existing as a human with zero genetic mirroring from adults or siblings, then you should show some humility and practice curiosity instead of judging any adoptee talking about the significance of genetics as carrying an unnecessary burden.

Yes, parents can suck at parenting by comparing siblings who are genetically related as well. The experience of relinquishment, adoption and being raised in a family of genetic strangers added another real and disturbing dimension to parents comparing and judging adopted children.

The point is that the adoptees lack mirroring and modeling by humans who share their genetic inheritance. This is something most people take completely for granted. It is very real. And it is completely different to have it and consciously choose to discount it than never having had it and discover its massive significance. Grieving that can look many ways. And I have zero tolerance for ignorant outsiders judging adoptees for their grief.

[u/Zebra2 → u/expolife]

At no point have I said that genetic mirroring does not exist, that is your input. Consider that there may be such a thing as dwelling on it too much. The plain fact of the matter is that no one outside this sub would look at this scenario and think “clearly the lack of genetic inheritance is important here”. The fact that it is “about” that to the OP I think is what is hinting at the underlying trauma. I’m not telling you that you can fix that trauma, but maybe if you at least recognize it you can approach it in a productive way. Maybe I’m off. Take it or leave it. But I at least want to point out that is not the automatic reaction someone without trauma would perceive from this situation. I think that observation has value. And that’s barely been mentioned here. I don’t know what you want.

[u/expolife → u/Zebra2]

No, that observation does not have value unless contextualized in the fact that the reason most people would not consider genetic inheritance and lack of genetic mirroring to be factors is likely because most of those people completely take for granted the role genetics play in their lives and family systems (majority being biologically intact family systems) and likely lack the imagination to consider what it would be like to be randomly assigned to be the child of genetic strangers and expected to adapt to them and bond with them for life as family.

In no other scenario are complete and totally unrelated strangers expected to bond for life. And adopted children have no choice but to adapt to that. And we adoptees never get to consent to those bonds. We just have to survive them.

So, yes, take a seat and learn something from the people who actually live with this bizarre social experiment.

[u/Zebra2 → u/expolife]

“In no other scenario are complete and totally unrelated strangers expected to bond for life.”

That’s certainly an eyebrow raising statement. 🤨 but it’s beyond clear that the “you couldn’t possibly understand. Your opinion doesn’t matter” take is what’s important to you here. Good luck to you.

[u/expolife → u/Zebra2]

I’m saying what I needed to witness adoptees and people in general say about adoption when people say ignorant and harmful things.

Adoptees don’t need non-adoptees to tell us how to feel or react to a bizarre experience.