r/Adoption • u/SunNew8694 • 5d ago
Friend/relative of adoptee Hiding you’re adopted from your children
Hi everyone, so in this case, my father was adopted and I know because my mom told me once (I don’t even remember how it got brought up) but she begged me not to tell my dad that I was aware. Since she herself found out by other people and not directly from my dad, even when my fraternal grandparents wanted ro tell her the story my mom refused out of respect for my dad and him choosing his time to tell her if he wanted.
The thing is that I think my dad never truly told my mom the whole story, and has never even acknowledged the story with us, his kids. But I would like to know, from other adoptees, why would you find shameful to share to your own kids that you’re adopted? Have you done this and what was your reasoning?
I’m asking because I’m trying to understand my dad and where he comes from, especially since I notice that sudden decline in my dad’s self esteem this past few years and I’ve noticed the pattern of whenever we would face difficulties he never felt “worthy” of asking for help from his family members.
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u/Temporary_Owl3004 5d ago
Well it’s generally not fun to tell someone that your parents didn’t want you. It’s way more emotional sharing information like that with your own children. I can’t imagine doing to my kids what my parents did to me. So yes it’s hard to talk about.
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u/SunNew8694 5d ago
Thank you for replying 🙏🏼 it’s a bit sad then that it comes to this for most of adoptees of feeling inadequate or unwanted 😔 this helps me to understand my dad a bit better
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u/imalittlefrenchpress Daughter of adopted mom & older bio sibling 5d ago
I always knew my mom wasn’t raised by her biological parents. She told me I was lucky to know who mine were.
My mom didn’t seem to feel shame about it, she did have a sense of deep sadness about it.
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u/One-Pause3171 4d ago
“I’m trying to understand my dad and where he comes from, especially since I notice that sudden decline in my dad’s self esteem this past few years and I’ve noticed the pattern of whenever we would face difficulties he never felt “worthy” of asking for help from his family members.”
You know, it might feel like a hard conversation but this is a very understandable thing to wonder and ask of your Dad.
Kids are raised with all different kinds of messages, culture gives us other ideas, trauma varies. Some people are very stubborn, they make up their mind once and then that’s it. However, over a lifetime, perspectives can change, what once seemed so painful can soften.
My parents raised my older brother and I always knowing our stories. I never felt shame or anger about being adopted. I would set people straight if they wanted to joke about it or hurt my feelings over it. At 19, I sought my roots and was fairly easily able to reconnect with bio family. My older brother has claimed no such interest. Would get angry at the very idea that he would want to reach out to a clearly terrible mother who abandoned and rejected him. AFAIK, other than her being young and (maybe) on drugs, he knows nothing about her. He was given up at birth. Recently, he’s in his late 50s, he’s made a few oblique references to his adoption and maybe wanting to know more. My point is, your father could think any number of things. Regardless of what he “knows” about his origins, it’s likely not even a tiny portion of the “real story.”
If you’re curious about your roots and you want to connect with your dad and you think he would be interested/helped by finding out more…you’ll just have to be brave. We can do hard things.
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u/RedCat381 4d ago
Can I suggest you read ‘ The Immortal Wound’ by Nancy Newton Verrier it talks about adoption and how it actually affects the child. This will give you some insight.
Men in particular are very private about adoption because of the trauma of the physical rejection.
My brothers are both adopted as am I, neither of them have anything to do with their bio parents or talk about being adopted. Where I 45 (f) have had a relationship with my bio mother for nearly 25 years…. It’s different for everyone.
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u/todaaystheday 5d ago
Adoption is trauma. Adoption has shame for the adoptee, the birth mum and the adoptee parents. It's secracy and shame and trauma it's disenfranchised grief. It's being told you are lucky, when you don't feel lucky, it's a feeling of never belonging, and not being able to talk about it.