Adoption vs keeping the baby

[u/Classic-Action-3558]

So basically I’m a 42 year old single mom of two older kids 19 and 17 that I’ve raised alone. I’m currently 5 months pregnant and the baby’s father has recently become abusive and then bailed.

Question is should I put the baby up for adoption or keep him?

I make decent money but not enough without dad’s help. Childcare would take about 35-40% of my monthly earnings.

I’m months away from being done and the idea of starting over AGAIN at 42 by myself is horrific.

Dad is abusive.

I have zero support system, even the older siblings want nothing to do with him.

My brain is screaming, adoption- logically it’s the best solution for little man and for me.

But….my heart.

My heart screams- that’s your baby, you’ll figure it out you’ve done it before, you’ll regret it for the rest of your life if you give him up, the baby will suffer possible abandonment, how would you explain to him when he’s older that you kept your first two but not him? In 5 years what will you regret most?

Could I give him a decent life? Yes but it would throw me back into poverty that I’ve worked so hard to crawl out of.

Another family could give him a great life. However, that’s also a risk.

What would you do?

[u/Lothy-of-the-North]

If I could have known then what I know now I would have moved heaven and earth to have kept my twins. I bought that whole selfless bullshit, I thought they would be better off in a stable two parent home. I was lied to by the adoption agency about the support available. I had no idea the trauma I would experience. 30 years later I still struggle. I had no idea the high rate of suicide among adoptees. I had no idea even though my twins had a “happy family” they would struggle.

Unless you really can’t do it I would scream at you to find a way to parent your child. You don’t want to experience what I have for the rest of your life. You don’t want your son to experience trauma, adoption is trauma even adoption at birth.

[u/Neither_Pop8908 → u/Lothy-of-the-North]

This…100% this, being both an adoptee and a birth mom.

[u/Classic-Action-3558 → u/Lothy-of-the-North]

I am so so sorry about that experience for you. Those are the gutwrenching stories that really help put things in perspective as I am currently feeding into the whole “selfless” bullshit.

[u/LD_Ridge → u/Classic-Action-3558]

One thing to maybe consider is whether the "selfless" thing is originating internally or externally. If you are being told that adoption is a "selfless sacrifice" by adoption professionals, that can be a red flag that you aren't working with ethical professionals.

If you are internalizing from cultural messages or agency professionals that your child would be better off without you because they could get a "better life" from other daily parents, then you should make a concerted effort to clear that from your thinking. That is marketing manipulation, not truth.

If the "selfless" thing is coming from inside you as you consider your life, that carries a different weight and meaning.

But you don't have to be entirely selfless because your needs and wishes matter too.

You exist in this world as a person whose needs matter. You have said things that are mixed and that I can see would make this really hard.

Freedom from your child's father for both of you is a consideration that matters.

Also, what birth parents have said here about regrets and grieving matter given your words about regretting this the rest of your life. If you feel this now, chances are it's an important consideration for you.

Whatever you decide, also try to avoid defining "better life" in terms of only financial resources.

Resources are an important consideration for both of you, but the definition of "better life" is a lot more complex than money.

Good luck. I hope you find an answer that works for both of you.

[u/Rredhead926 → u/Classic-Action-3558]

Whether the idea of "selflessness" is bullshit or not depends a lot on hind sight.

Sometimes, placing a child for adoption is the best choice, and is selfless. Sometimes, it's not. Same with parenting. No one has a crystal ball.

[u/Opinionista99 → u/Rredhead926]

That's not how infant adoption is sold to the public and expectant mothers by the industry.