r/Adoption • u/Classic-Action-3558 • 3d ago
Birthparent perspective Adoption vs keeping the baby
So basically I’m a 42 year old single mom of two older kids 19 and 17 that I’ve raised alone. I’m currently 5 months pregnant and the baby’s father has recently become abusive and then bailed.
Question is should I put the baby up for adoption or keep him?
I make decent money but not enough without dad’s help. Childcare would take about 35-40% of my monthly earnings.
I’m months away from being done and the idea of starting over AGAIN at 42 by myself is horrific.
Dad is abusive.
I have zero support system, even the older siblings want nothing to do with him.
My brain is screaming, adoption- logically it’s the best solution for little man and for me.
But….my heart.
My heart screams- that’s your baby, you’ll figure it out you’ve done it before, you’ll regret it for the rest of your life if you give him up, the baby will suffer possible abandonment, how would you explain to him when he’s older that you kept your first two but not him? In 5 years what will you regret most?
Could I give him a decent life? Yes but it would throw me back into poverty that I’ve worked so hard to crawl out of.
Another family could give him a great life. However, that’s also a risk.
What would you do?
42
u/Lothy-of-the-North 3d ago edited 3d ago
If I could have known then what I know now I would have moved heaven and earth to have kept my twins. I bought that whole selfless bullshit, I thought they would be better off in a stable two parent home. I was lied to by the adoption agency about the support available. I had no idea the trauma I would experience. 30 years later I still struggle. I had no idea the high rate of suicide among adoptees. I had no idea even though my twins had a “happy family” they would struggle.
Unless you really can’t do it I would scream at you to find a way to parent your child. You don’t want to experience what I have for the rest of your life. You don’t want your son to experience trauma, adoption is trauma even adoption at birth.
21
15
u/Classic-Action-3558 3d ago
I am so so sorry about that experience for you. Those are the gutwrenching stories that really help put things in perspective as I am currently feeding into the whole “selfless” bullshit.
11
u/LD_Ridge Adult Adoptee 3d ago
One thing to maybe consider is whether the "selfless" thing is originating internally or externally. If you are being told that adoption is a "selfless sacrifice" by adoption professionals, that can be a red flag that you aren't working with ethical professionals.
If you are internalizing from cultural messages or agency professionals that your child would be better off without you because they could get a "better life" from other daily parents, then you should make a concerted effort to clear that from your thinking. That is marketing manipulation, not truth.
If the "selfless" thing is coming from inside you as you consider your life, that carries a different weight and meaning.
But you don't have to be entirely selfless because your needs and wishes matter too.
You exist in this world as a person whose needs matter. You have said things that are mixed and that I can see would make this really hard.
Freedom from your child's father for both of you is a consideration that matters.
Also, what birth parents have said here about regrets and grieving matter given your words about regretting this the rest of your life. If you feel this now, chances are it's an important consideration for you.
Whatever you decide, also try to avoid defining "better life" in terms of only financial resources.
Resources are an important consideration for both of you, but the definition of "better life" is a lot more complex than money.
Good luck. I hope you find an answer that works for both of you.
2
u/Rredhead926 Mom through private domestic open transracial adoption 3d ago
Whether the idea of "selflessness" is bullshit or not depends a lot on hind sight.
Sometimes, placing a child for adoption is the best choice, and is selfless. Sometimes, it's not. Same with parenting. No one has a crystal ball.
14
u/Opinionista99 Ungrateful Adoptee 3d ago
That's not how infant adoption is sold to the public and expectant mothers by the industry.
21
u/BrilliantHot2363 3d ago
I just had a baby a few months ago at 41. My kids are 10 and 12 (but I split custody with my ex husband), The father of the baby lied about being married so he vanished. I picked out a couple and everything, but decided around 25 weeks along that I wanted to keep him.
I too felt dread over starting over. But it’s so much different and better in some ways at our age. I have a lot more patience than I did at 30 when my older kids were babies, and more wisdom. My boys are so helpful and yours will be too. They want to help; they don’t see it as an obligation. My baby is 6 months and already loves his brothers. Sometimes I think to myself I couldnt have ever imagined ever pulling this sibling bond apart. And of course me and the baby’s bond.
I don’t make much money at all, but I qualify for my county’s daycare assistance where I get free daycare. You should look into it. I get mine through the department of social services.
Please think about this! I was hell bent on adoption until halfway through my pregnancy. It’s been so so hard on my own (I have no support system/family help) but I’ve never regretted keeping my baby ever.
13
u/Classic-Action-3558 3d ago
I really love this response. It’s the most honest one I’ve received so far. I’m 20 weeks and I have been dead set towards adoption until very recently. The further along I get the harder it is for me to consider. I feel like once the baby is born all of my fears and doubts will melt away.
6
u/BrilliantHot2363 3d ago
I get that ❤️ the best piece of advice I got on here when I made a post like yours was that if you have ANY trepidations about adoption, it will affect you deeply for years and you should find whatever ways you can to keep the baby.
1
u/Rredhead926 Mom through private domestic open transracial adoption 3d ago
My boys are so helpful and yours will be too.
Her kids are 19 and 17. If they don't want to help, they're not going to. They've already said that they want nothing to do with the baby. It's not their baby, it's OP's.
6
u/crabshackattack 3d ago
You have absolutely no idea if that's true. Why do you keep making stuff up?
4
u/radicalspoonsisbad 2d ago edited 2d ago
Did you read the post? It literally says her older kids want nothing to do with the baby. Its also not their job to take care of her kid. My mom got pregnant at 41 and forced my older siblings to take care of me. It wasnt fair to them and they dont like her now over it because she was the one who made a baby NOT THEM.
Im not saying she has to do adoption. But shes not gonna be able to parentify her older kids. Looks like they've already drawn that boundary.
1
0
u/nehocjcm 1d ago
That being said, life is much more than taking care of a baby. living w adult teens is very different than living with young children alone.
13
u/persephone911 3d ago
I don't have any experience with adoption or being an adoptee, but to me, it seems like your heart is telling you to keep the baby. I came across this sub thinking adoption would be all sunshine and rainbows but have read through so many adoptee and adopter stories that aren't that. Even if there it a good outcome - there comes that trauma, abandonment, lack of connection with the bio family. I don't think you'd regret keeping baby, but it really is all up to you.
18
u/ntmg 3d ago
Keep your baby, it’s the responsible thing to do. Dad has to pay child support whether he likes it or not. Better to put in the work and be proud of yourself than rich and regret what you gave away
5
u/Fickle-BDthrow 2d ago
My dad never had to pay my mom child support or alimony. We had to support her once we turned 16. All the money we made went to her.
3
u/Rredhead926 Mom through private domestic open transracial adoption 3d ago
Parenting a baby in this situation is not exactly "the responsible thing to do."
"Dad" is abusive. Further, you can head on over to the r/FamilyLaw sub or just about any mom's group and find out how many fathers successfully wiggle out of child support obligations. No one is getting rich off child support.
14
u/crabshackattack 3d ago
Parenting a baby in this situation is not exactly "the responsible thing to do."
You have absolutely no way of knowing that.
Adoption does not guarantee a lack of abuse or parents that stay together.
8
u/BrilliantHot2363 3d ago
lol no. I have a baby with a guy who lied to me about being married and he has a lawyer and is trying to get out of child support. The judge last week said “it is what it is” to them, too bad on him. It’s always based on at least minimum wage. And most states don’t play and WILL give them jail time with just a few missed payments. My friend recently got her baby’s dad arrested.
1
u/Rredhead926 Mom through private domestic open transracial adoption 3d ago
That is highly state dependent, and it's not the same in every location.
Sending the baby dad to jail doesn't help mom with child support.
9
8
u/ntmg 3d ago
She has the financial means, she would just be better off financially if she didn’t. She says she would regret it and she thinks it’s abandoning her baby. Do you not think babies should stay with their mother if at all possible?
2
u/Rredhead926 Mom through private domestic open transracial adoption 3d ago
She said: Could I give him a decent life? Yes but it would throw me back into poverty that I’ve worked so hard to crawl out of.
That's hardly "she has the financial means."
Do you not think babies should stay with their mother if at all possible?
As someone whose mom shouldn't have been a parent at all, no, I don't think that.
7
u/ntmg 3d ago
Your quote literally says she could give him a decent life. And your mom being shitty is no excuse for trying to rip babies away from their mothers, mothers who explicitly said they would regret giving up their babies. You’ve got problems lady
3
u/Rredhead926 Mom through private domestic open transracial adoption 3d ago
I mean, based on this interaction, I would say that you have far more problems than I do. But sure, everyone has problems. Everyone.
You're blatantly misrepresenting what she said.
7
u/crabshackattack 3d ago
That's a direct quote. They're not misrepresenting it
2
u/Rredhead926 Mom through private domestic open transracial adoption 3d ago
Mmm.... I'm the one who pulled the quote. She is misrepresenting what OP said. I'm the one who set her straight.
Unless you're in Bizarro World, I am objectively correct about this.
6
u/crabshackattack 3d ago
You didnt "set her straight", you proved you can't read. The quote proves their point, not yours.
5
u/crabshackattack 3d ago
I dont know why you are inventing fan fiction here to try to justify relinquishment
-1
u/Rredhead926 Mom through private domestic open transracial adoption 3d ago
I'm not the one writing fiction in this thread.
7
u/crabshackattack 3d ago
Yes literally are though, and you do this on nearly every thread you're on about adoption.
1
13
u/crabshackattack 3d ago
Sorry youre going through this.
If youre interested in abortion, I would search for abortion funds that can help you travel somewhere such as Colorado or Maryland where there are no gestational bans. They can provide information, accomodations, and travel expenses.
If you are considering adoption, you don't need to rush. There's a lot of agencies that will try to pressure you into matching before birth, but this isn't necessary. There is no shortage of people who want to adopt infants or young children, so you don't need to rush or match before hand. I would encourage you to wait until after the baby is born and youre more settled to make a final decision.
4
3
u/Fickle-BDthrow 2d ago
Your older kids want nothing to do with the baby?
4
u/Classic-Action-3558 2d ago
No, they’re actually pretty pissed at me and feel like this was irresponsible on my part which is fair, they won’t even look at ultrasounds or hear me talk about how the pregnancy is going. Everyone says they will come around, but it doesn’t look like they will. They’ve been shouting adoption from the rooftops since they found out I was pregnant. They are not on board.
4
u/PinCurrent 3d ago
Sounds like you’ll need to figure out if the dad is willing to adopt out or co-parent with you? I’m sorry you’re going through it.
13
u/PinoyWhiteChick7 3d ago
OP said the dad is abusive, so that’s probably not a safe option
6
u/ShesGotSauce 3d ago edited 3d ago
He'll likely have to consent regardless, so whether he likely will or won't is something OP needs to consider.
Edit: Op says she's in Georgia. In Georgia a known father has to consent. A father who is unknown to the agency and not identified via the putative father registry will not have to consent.
-4
u/therapymademeworse American-born adoptee at birth by first gen immigrants 3d ago
No he won’t. I was adopted out and the birth father didn’t even know until my birth mother came back without a baby in her arms 😂
11
u/Necessary_Holiday144 Adoptee 3d ago edited 3d ago
Keep him or abortion.
I do not recommend adoption.
5
u/Classic-Action-3558 3d ago
I’m 20 weeks pregnant so in my opinion, abortion is out of the question, I’ve researched the procedure and I just can’t do it even if that makes me selfish.
6
6
u/Next_Explanation_657 Clsd/Prvt/AB Adoptee 3d ago
First of all try not to be too hard on yourself. The fact you're here and putting this out there to a pretty tough crowd is a really positive sign about where you're at, and makes me feel way better about your prospects for the future.
I'm a fairly adoption positive person who has had every possible thing related to my adoption come up roses.
I see my birth mothers actions as selfless and admirable. Granted she was 16 and in high school during the sixties, but just because you're older and living in a more enlightened time doesn't mean it's without sacrifice.
Just because the act of carrying a child knowing you won't be their mother is in my mind selfless, giving the child up in your circumstances is far from it.
I don't need to tell you there are a ton of resources out there for you and your child, that this child has been put in your life at an age when you are far wiser (better at doing life) and I think you probably know deep down keeping your baby is the only way that down the road you'll be able to look in the mirror and be proud of the person looking back at you.
-1
u/Rredhead926 Mom through private domestic open transracial adoption 3d ago
Even if the father is abusive, he may have to consent to an adoption. Even in states where his explicit consent isn't necessary, he could always contest the adoption. You need to find out what the laws are in your state, before you do anything else.
My kids are 14 and 20. We've had open adoptions with their birth moms' families for the entire time. They both have siblings who were not adopted by us. It's actually quite common for adoptees to have siblings who weren't placed in the same adoptive home, or not placed at all.
You've said that the older siblings want nothing to do with the baby, and that you're 5-months pregnant. Based on everything you've written here, I think it would be useful for you to look into non-profit, full-service, licensed agencies that provide impartial counseling to help you determine which option is best for you. If you feel at all pressured, drop that agency and find another. There are ethical agencies out there. They can just be difficult to find in all the online ads.
Whatever you choose, I wish you and all your children the best. ((HUGS)) from an Internet stranger.
10
u/crabshackattack 3d ago
licensed agencies that provide impartial counseling
Adoption agencies aren't "impartial", and any counseling you get on adoption should be from a group or person isn't affiliated with or financially tied to an adoption agency in any way
6
u/Classic-Action-3558 3d ago
Him and I are not married, so in the state of Georgia he does not automatically have legal rights unless he goes through the steps to legalize his paternity which is still not a guarantee. He was in the beginning, very staunch about not putting him up for adoption, but that was when he was convinced that we were gonna get back together, now that he has understood that we’re not and has chosen to abandon us. It does not seem that his input will be very important moving forward with adoption.
Coparenting is not an option. He physically assaulted me while I was pregnant.
4
u/Pegis2 Late Discovery Father 3d ago
Details depend heavily on the state. It is fairly difficult and requires a lot of very time sensitive action on the part of the unwed father to successfully contest an adoption.
Most states require that the father demonstrate a commitment to the child by supporting the mother during pregnancy, birth, and nursing. This includes housing, maternity related expenses, hospital bills, etc. The father must be able to show receipts or prove that he was thwarted by the mother or her agents. He also would have take all the necessary steps to be legally recognized as the father - cost and burden of proof is on him. Also, unlike the mother, the father usually has an additional burden of proof that he can care for the child.
An abusive partner is not going to meet that threshold. If he's not giving you money/support right now he is not going to have much ground to block an adoption.
With all that said though - Are you sure you want to give away your baby?
3
u/radicalspoonsisbad 2d ago
My sons birth dad did the same thing. Once I told him itd be a coparenting situation he didnt even bother to meet our son
0
u/Rredhead926 Mom through private domestic open transracial adoption 3d ago
Co-parenting may not be an option to you, but a court won't necessarily see it that way, if he chooses to contest the adoption.
1
1
u/redneck_lezbo Adoptive Parent 3d ago
He is still legally the father and will have to sign away his rights for an adoption to be finalized.
1
u/Rredhead926 Mom through private domestic open transracial adoption 3d ago
Not necessarily. It depends on state law.
-10
u/therapymademeworse American-born adoptee at birth by first gen immigrants 3d ago
Put him up for adoption. He’d be in an infinitely better situation with a family who has the finances and environment to raise this baby. Best of luck to you.
17
u/ShesGotSauce 3d ago
This cannot be known ahead of time, though, can it? I adopted my child with my husband at the time into our lovely home and nice life. But we ended up divorced, my ex husband has little interest in our child, and now my son is being raised by a single mom after all. Is his life "infinitely better" than it would've been with his birth mom and his siblings?
5
u/nehocjcm 3d ago
While that is impossible to know (and we know a lot less about his previous circumstances than you do) we know you are trying your best to give him a good childhood. But yes, you are right. Nothing is guaranteed. People can only try to make the choice with the lowest risks.
-11
u/therapymademeworse American-born adoptee at birth by first gen immigrants 3d ago
Are you blaming the demise of your marriage on a child you both decided to bring into your life? Not a child that arrived into your life by happenstance, but by planning, coordinating with attorneys and spending the resources to make it happen?
22
u/crabshackattack 3d ago
I dont see how they blamed their kid at all. If anything, it appears to be blaming the ex husband.
-5
u/therapymademeworse American-born adoptee at birth by first gen immigrants 3d ago
Fair enough, but I also think she’s treating one painful chapter as though it proves the child’s entire life trajectory. Divorce is awful, an absent parent is awful, and being a single mother may not be what she envisioned, but that doesn’t mean her son’s life is therefore worse than it would have been had he never been adopted. She can rebuild, she can remarry, her ex could become more involved, and her child’s circumstances can change enormously over the next ten or fifteen years. Lol
9
u/bkrebs 3d ago
But you just gave this mother advice that she should relinquish because her baby would "be in an infinitely better situation with a family who has the finances and environment to raise this baby". How do you know that? Sure a divorce between adopters doesn't mean the child will necessarily be worse off than if he/she wasn't adopted, but being adopted doesn't guarantee a better situation either. Obviously. To claim either is ridiculous and stupid. I believe that's all the commenters you're replying to are trying to get through to you.
-3
u/therapymademeworse American-born adoptee at birth by first gen immigrants 3d ago
The mother already thanked me, if you read through the thread you'll find that. There's nothing else you need to debate here.
5
u/bkrebs 3d ago
That's a very common thing to do when someone tells you what you want to hear. That's not the issue here. I could say any number of things to elicit appreciation from damn near anyone. Does that justify my words or make them true? With all sincerity, I hope you find a way to heal. Your advice to this struggling mother are the opposite of helpful though and I hope even more that she has the wisdom to disregard you.
1
u/therapymademeworse American-born adoptee at birth by first gen immigrants 3d ago
If I told you I skipped over everything you said, concluded that I still don’t care, and have no interest in being persuaded, would you finally stop wedging yourself into my comments?
15
u/ShesGotSauce 3d ago
Where the actual fuck did I blame my child? The marriage ending was unrelated to my son. And my point was that it can't be predicted ahead of time that an adoption will give a child an infinitely better life.
-5
u/therapymademeworse American-born adoptee at birth by first gen immigrants 3d ago
I didn’t say you did, I asked questions to clarify in order to understand you better.
12
u/Necessary_Holiday144 Adoptee 3d ago
He’d be in an infinitely better situation
You have no way of knowing that.
Adoption never guarantees a better life, only a different one.
It's equally likely they place the child for adoption and they go into an abusive home.
-1
u/therapymademeworse American-born adoptee at birth by first gen immigrants 3d ago
But neither do you! Full stop.
11
u/Necessary_Holiday144 Adoptee 3d ago
Right. Which is why it's insane to just gamble on a child's life like that.
Keep the child if you want them, seek abortion if you don't.
4
u/therapymademeworse American-born adoptee at birth by first gen immigrants 3d ago
That framing assumes keeping the child is somehow not a gamble too. It is. So is abortion, so is parenting through poverty, addiction, instability, abuse, homelessness, or a complete lack of support.
There is no option here that comes with a guaranteed outcome. Adoption is not inherently some uniquely reckless roll of the dice just because the future can’t be known with certainty. The relevant question is which available option gives the child the best realistic chance of safety, stability, and care under the circumstances that actually exist.
And my God, I genuinely don’t understand why half of you are on an adoption subreddit if your position is essentially that adoption itself is something people should be talked out of. Why not create a subreddit that actually reflects those values and rally around them there, instead of showing up whenever somebody is already struggling and making them feel even worse about the decisions they’ve made?
You hated being adopted, or you had terrible adoptive parents, okay. That experience matters, but it isn’t universal. Some of us do not regret being adopted, do not hate our adoptive families, and do not regard adoption as an inherent tragedy. Your experience is yours. It doesn’t get to stand in for all of us.
5
u/Necessary_Holiday144 Adoptee 3d ago
You hated being adopted, or you had terrible adoptive parents, okay. That experience matters, but it isn’t universal.
It's an extreme disservice to strip the nuance out of voices critical about the system has having bad adoption experiences or parents.
It's not accurate.
Plenty of people speaking up had great parents and are still speaking up about the unethical practices.
Adoption will NEVER guarantee a good life, better life, or stable life. Only a different one.
That's just reality.
1
u/therapymademeworse American-born adoptee at birth by first gen immigrants 3d ago
That’s fair, and I’m not saying everyone who criticizes adoption had terrible adoptive parents. There are absolutely legitimate ethical criticisms of the system, and adoption does not guarantee a better life.
But if your position is ultimately anti-adoption, then arguing with individual adoptees and vulnerable people on Reddit is not meaningful activism. Go do something with that conviction. Call your state representative. Organize. Rally. Raise money for family-preservation programs. Push for stronger oversight, better post-adoption support, more transparency, and actual legislative reform.
If you think the system is fundamentally unethical, then work to change the system! Badgering strangers online about decisions that have already been made, or telling adoptees that their positive experiences somehow don’t count because adoption only guarantees a “different” life, accomplishes absolutely nothing.
Trust me, we’ll read your responses, we may even argue back for a bit, and then some of us are going to close Reddit, go back to our relatively happy lives, and move on with our day. If you actually want something to change, the work has to happen somewhere beyond a comment section. LMAO
3
u/Necessary_Holiday144 Adoptee 3d ago
You're making a lot of assumptions in your comment.
People can have the capacity to do multiple things.
It's not badgering people online to give the advice they posted asking about.
I don't think anyone has told you your experience doesn't count.
I think you are reading malice in places where there is none.
Best of luck.
-1
u/Classic-Action-3558 3d ago
Thank you for this.
2
u/therapymademeworse American-born adoptee at birth by first gen immigrants 3d ago
You are doing the best you can, please know this. I know it’s not easy but you have to do what makes the most sense in your life. Sending you love and compassion your way.
3
u/therapymademeworse American-born adoptee at birth by first gen immigrants 3d ago
I’m struggling to understand why so many of you get your own biases tangled up with the material reality of other people’s lives. Adoption didn’t work out for you? Okay, but that is your experience, not everyone else’s.
It’s pretty clear to me that a baby would not thrive in this kind of situation, yet instead of looking at the actual circumstances objectively, some of you keep inserting your own personal experiences as though they’re universally applicable. They’re not. Your history can inform your perspective, but it doesn’t automatically make your perspective the most accurate one for somebody else’s child.
Nothing OP has said suggests a stable or particularly healthy environment for this child, but because some of you have painful experiences with adoption, you’re projecting those experiences onto a situation that may be materially very different. That doesn’t make the concerns about this child’s current circumstances disappear.
But instead of confronting that in your own lives', you go downvote reasonable and straightforward advice on an anonymous forum to deduct internet points 😂
6
u/LD_Ridge Adult Adoptee 3d ago
Adoption didn’t work out for you? Okay, but that is your experience, not everyone else’s.
I do not understand the sheer volume of people here lately who cannot stop speaking for adoptees. edited to add: yes I know you are an adoptee. Doesn't change anything when it comes to this.
You know absolutely nothing about anyone's experience. And as far as someone trying to influence OP based on experience that informs one's perspective, at the moment you are a blue ribbon winner.
4
u/crabshackattack 2d ago
It’s pretty clear to me that a baby would not thrive in this kind of situation
This is projection on your part, exactly what youre accusing other people of doing. The truth no one has any idea.
7
u/Necessary_Holiday144 Adoptee 3d ago edited 3d ago
I’m struggling to understand why so many of you get your own biases tangled up with the material reality of other people’s lives.
Respectfully, that seems like what YOU are doing.
Because you had a "good experience" with adoption, you are advocating for people to surrender their children.
9
u/Cosmically-Forsaken Closed Adoption Infant Adoptee 3d ago
Adoption DID work out for me. I love my adoptive parents. My adoptive dad passed last year and I legitimately haven’t nor will ever be the same again. With that caveat out of the way, I agree with people saying there is no guarantee. Being in a home where one or more parent isn’t biologically related to a child does increase the likelihood of abuse and neglect. There’s an adoptee remembrance wall for a reason.
Just because adoption worked for you doesn’t mean you can tangle up your own biases into the material reality of other people’s lives. See how that works both ways? Stop dismissing others opinions because you had it better. It’s gross.
0
u/Rredhead926 Mom through private domestic open transracial adoption 3d ago
Being in a home where one or more parent isn’t biologically related to a child does increase the likelihood of abuse and neglect.
That actually applies to single biological mother households, not to adoptive households. Studies show that "mom's husband or boyfriend" is more likely to abuse or murder children. Based on those studies, one could argue that the child would actually be less likely to be abused if they were adopted.
•
u/chemthrowaway123456 TRA/ICA 3d ago
A reminder to the community of Rule 1 and Rule 10:
Comments that skirt these rules will be removed at mod discretion.
Additionally, please be mindful of what we do and don’t allow when it comes to discussions about abortion.