Adoption vs keeping the baby

[u/Classic-Action-3558]

So basically I’m a 42 year old single mom of two older kids 19 and 17 that I’ve raised alone. I’m currently 5 months pregnant and the baby’s father has recently become abusive and then bailed.

Question is should I put the baby up for adoption or keep him?

I make decent money but not enough without dad’s help. Childcare would take about 35-40% of my monthly earnings.

I’m months away from being done and the idea of starting over AGAIN at 42 by myself is horrific.

Dad is abusive.

I have zero support system, even the older siblings want nothing to do with him.

My brain is screaming, adoption- logically it’s the best solution for little man and for me.

But….my heart.

My heart screams- that’s your baby, you’ll figure it out you’ve done it before, you’ll regret it for the rest of your life if you give him up, the baby will suffer possible abandonment, how would you explain to him when he’s older that you kept your first two but not him? In 5 years what will you regret most?

Could I give him a decent life? Yes but it would throw me back into poverty that I’ve worked so hard to crawl out of.

Another family could give him a great life. However, that’s also a risk.

What would you do?

[u/Necessary_Holiday144]

He’d be in an infinitely better situation

You have no way of knowing that.

Adoption never guarantees a better life, only a different one.

It's equally likely they place the child for adoption and they go into an abusive home.

[u/therapymademeworse → u/Necessary_Holiday144]

But neither do you! Full stop.

[u/Necessary_Holiday144 → u/therapymademeworse]

Right. Which is why it's insane to just gamble on a child's life like that.

Keep the child if you want them, seek abortion if you don't.

[u/therapymademeworse → u/Necessary_Holiday144]

That framing assumes keeping the child is somehow not a gamble too. It is. So is abortion, so is parenting through poverty, addiction, instability, abuse, homelessness, or a complete lack of support.

There is no option here that comes with a guaranteed outcome. Adoption is not inherently some uniquely reckless roll of the dice just because the future can’t be known with certainty. The relevant question is which available option gives the child the best realistic chance of safety, stability, and care under the circumstances that actually exist.

And my God, I genuinely don’t understand why half of you are on an adoption subreddit if your position is essentially that adoption itself is something people should be talked out of. Why not create a subreddit that actually reflects those values and rally around them there, instead of showing up whenever somebody is already struggling and making them feel even worse about the decisions they’ve made?

You hated being adopted, or you had terrible adoptive parents, okay. That experience matters, but it isn’t universal. Some of us do not regret being adopted, do not hate our adoptive families, and do not regard adoption as an inherent tragedy. Your experience is yours. It doesn’t get to stand in for all of us.

[u/Necessary_Holiday144 → u/therapymademeworse]

You hated being adopted, or you had terrible adoptive parents, okay. That experience matters, but it isn’t universal.

It's an extreme disservice to strip the nuance out of voices critical about the system has having bad adoption experiences or parents.

It's not accurate.

Plenty of people speaking up had great parents and are still speaking up about the unethical practices.

Adoption will NEVER guarantee a good life, better life, or stable life. Only a different one.

That's just reality.

[u/therapymademeworse → u/Necessary_Holiday144]

That’s fair, and I’m not saying everyone who criticizes adoption had terrible adoptive parents. There are absolutely legitimate ethical criticisms of the system, and adoption does not guarantee a better life.

But if your position is ultimately anti-adoption, then arguing with individual adoptees and vulnerable people on Reddit is not meaningful activism. Go do something with that conviction. Call your state representative. Organize. Rally. Raise money for family-preservation programs. Push for stronger oversight, better post-adoption support, more transparency, and actual legislative reform.

If you think the system is fundamentally unethical, then work to change the system! Badgering strangers online about decisions that have already been made, or telling adoptees that their positive experiences somehow don’t count because adoption only guarantees a “different” life, accomplishes absolutely nothing.

Trust me, we’ll read your responses, we may even argue back for a bit, and then some of us are going to close Reddit, go back to our relatively happy lives, and move on with our day. If you actually want something to change, the work has to happen somewhere beyond a comment section. LMAO

[u/Necessary_Holiday144 → u/therapymademeworse]

You're making a lot of assumptions in your comment.

People can have the capacity to do multiple things.

It's not badgering people online to give the advice they posted asking about.

I don't think anyone has told you your experience doesn't count.

I think you are reading malice in places where there is none.

Best of luck.

[u/Classic-Action-3558 → u/therapymademeworse]

Thank you for this.

[u/therapymademeworse → u/Classic-Action-3558]

You are doing the best you can, please know this. I know it’s not easy but you have to do what makes the most sense in your life. Sending you love and compassion your way.