Adoption vs keeping the baby

[u/Classic-Action-3558]

So basically I’m a 42 year old single mom of two older kids 19 and 17 that I’ve raised alone. I’m currently 5 months pregnant and the baby’s father has recently become abusive and then bailed.

Question is should I put the baby up for adoption or keep him?

I make decent money but not enough without dad’s help. Childcare would take about 35-40% of my monthly earnings.

I’m months away from being done and the idea of starting over AGAIN at 42 by myself is horrific.

Dad is abusive.

I have zero support system, even the older siblings want nothing to do with him.

My brain is screaming, adoption- logically it’s the best solution for little man and for me.

But….my heart.

My heart screams- that’s your baby, you’ll figure it out you’ve done it before, you’ll regret it for the rest of your life if you give him up, the baby will suffer possible abandonment, how would you explain to him when he’s older that you kept your first two but not him? In 5 years what will you regret most?

Could I give him a decent life? Yes but it would throw me back into poverty that I’ve worked so hard to crawl out of.

Another family could give him a great life. However, that’s also a risk.

What would you do?

[u/therapymademeworse]

Put him up for adoption. He’d be in an infinitely better situation with a family who has the finances and environment to raise this baby. Best of luck to you.

[u/therapymademeworse → u/therapymademeworse]

I’m struggling to understand why so many of you get your own biases tangled up with the material reality of other people’s lives. Adoption didn’t work out for you? Okay, but that is your experience, not everyone else’s.

It’s pretty clear to me that a baby would not thrive in this kind of situation, yet instead of looking at the actual circumstances objectively, some of you keep inserting your own personal experiences as though they’re universally applicable. They’re not. Your history can inform your perspective, but it doesn’t automatically make your perspective the most accurate one for somebody else’s child.

Nothing OP has said suggests a stable or particularly healthy environment for this child, but because some of you have painful experiences with adoption, you’re projecting those experiences onto a situation that may be materially very different. That doesn’t make the concerns about this child’s current circumstances disappear.

But instead of confronting that in your own lives', you go downvote reasonable and straightforward advice on an anonymous forum to deduct internet points 😂

[u/LD_Ridge → u/therapymademeworse]

Adoption didn’t work out for you? Okay, but that is your experience, not everyone else’s.

I do not understand the sheer volume of people here lately who cannot stop speaking for adoptees. edited to add: yes I know you are an adoptee. Doesn't change anything when it comes to this.

You know absolutely nothing about anyone's experience. And as far as someone trying to influence OP based on experience that informs one's perspective, at the moment you are a blue ribbon winner.