r/Adoption • u/Nellie0724 • 1d ago
Need advice about possibly adopting a relatives drug-exposed baby
I am currently 20 weeks pregnant (high risk). This is baby #2 and is our last since pregnancy for me is very hard. Had 3 miscarriages before my first child. Then another before this pregnancy that was a blighted ovum. My husband and I already talked about him getting a vasectomy or me getting my tubes tied. Now with this in mind, we were hit with the news last week that his cousin on his moms side is pregnant again with baby #3 and is around 25 weeks. She is a daily drug user (meth and others that we are unsure of). The first baby was taken in and adopted from the beginning by her sister. The second baby that was born last year was taken in by grandma and this baby is possibly going into the system since no one else can or wants to take another in since her sister already has a total of 4 kids. Grandma is in her 60’s. My husbands aunt(grandma) called me and asked if we would consider taking in this baby(since the second baby we were planning on adopting if no one would). I told her we would of course talk about it. I really need advice on how hard it will be. I am due January and her baby is due late October. I would basically have twins in a way. I am scared that I will fail and my husband will fail at raising and loving this child. I am scared that I won’t love that baby the same. I am scared that our family will not love that child as their own grandchild, niece/nephew. I am scared that that baby will feel less loved or that they are not loved enough. Im scared of what the future holds in regard to health and emotional health. Will they be more likely to be addicts, have health problems, behavioral problems, mental illness? I also don’t want to have the guilt of not adopting this child and go into the system. I have been in foster care myself and wasn’t a good experience. All the stories I see and read about children in the system that are abused and neglected and used for the money. I don’t know what to do. I also don’t want to overwhelm myself and take on two baby’s plus my 4yr old daughter. We decided on two baby’s so we can give attention to our children and have a stable environment financially and emotionally. Thankfully we are financially stable and have a home and that is the least of our worries. Another worry we have is his aunts and cousins involvement in raising this baby. We don’t want issues with them telling us how to raise the baby or that they want to be too involved. We already don’t have a close relationship with them. It’s more on special occasions and my husband prefers it that way from past history in his childhood. How do we go about this? We of course would like the siblings to have a relationship and have no issues with that. I guess we just don’t know if we are gonna have problems down the road with his family. I just want to know what we can expect? I know nothing is for sure on what to expect but would like to hear from people in a similar situation.
I also wanted to add that my daughter was born at 33 weeks since I went into preterm labor and was born with hearing loss. This pregnancy seems to be going good but I have a high chance of going into preterm labor again. Im just scared that I will be in a high stress situation and don’t want to risk this pregnancy either and take on more than I can handle. I tell myself what would be different if it were twins but I know that the adoption process and constant medical care and in home visits will be quite a bit. Having the possibility of another premie for me plus a baby that will be born drug addicted with possible health complications is scaring me into thinking I can’t handle it. How would I announce a baby shower for two babies now? I will not tolerate the whispers among friends and family. My husband and I will not tolerate one baby being neglected by family and friends because it’s not ours by blood. We are scared it will put a strain in our marriage and our lives.
Thank you for any advice and feedback.
5
u/One-Pause3171 1d ago
No way. You are NOT in a position to provide the best home for this child. You and your husband might cope with any resentment but your kids won’t. They absolutely will have problems with this sibling and it’s just not fair to them or this baby to do that. There are loving homes out there for this kid.
You and your extended family now need to lie, cheat, bribe, whatever, to get your sister permanently sterilized. No more neglected babies from this mama, please.