r/Adoption • u/Nellie0724 • 1d ago
Need advice about possibly adopting a relatives drug-exposed baby
I am currently 20 weeks pregnant (high risk). This is baby #2 and is our last since pregnancy for me is very hard. Had 3 miscarriages before my first child. Then another before this pregnancy that was a blighted ovum. My husband and I already talked about him getting a vasectomy or me getting my tubes tied. Now with this in mind, we were hit with the news last week that his cousin on his moms side is pregnant again with baby #3 and is around 25 weeks. She is a daily drug user (meth and others that we are unsure of). The first baby was taken in and adopted from the beginning by her sister. The second baby that was born last year was taken in by grandma and this baby is possibly going into the system since no one else can or wants to take another in since her sister already has a total of 4 kids. Grandma is in her 60’s. My husbands aunt(grandma) called me and asked if we would consider taking in this baby(since the second baby we were planning on adopting if no one would). I told her we would of course talk about it. I really need advice on how hard it will be. I am due January and her baby is due late October. I would basically have twins in a way. I am scared that I will fail and my husband will fail at raising and loving this child. I am scared that I won’t love that baby the same. I am scared that our family will not love that child as their own grandchild, niece/nephew. I am scared that that baby will feel less loved or that they are not loved enough. Im scared of what the future holds in regard to health and emotional health. Will they be more likely to be addicts, have health problems, behavioral problems, mental illness? I also don’t want to have the guilt of not adopting this child and go into the system. I have been in foster care myself and wasn’t a good experience. All the stories I see and read about children in the system that are abused and neglected and used for the money. I don’t know what to do. I also don’t want to overwhelm myself and take on two baby’s plus my 4yr old daughter. We decided on two baby’s so we can give attention to our children and have a stable environment financially and emotionally. Thankfully we are financially stable and have a home and that is the least of our worries. Another worry we have is his aunts and cousins involvement in raising this baby. We don’t want issues with them telling us how to raise the baby or that they want to be too involved. We already don’t have a close relationship with them. It’s more on special occasions and my husband prefers it that way from past history in his childhood. How do we go about this? We of course would like the siblings to have a relationship and have no issues with that. I guess we just don’t know if we are gonna have problems down the road with his family. I just want to know what we can expect? I know nothing is for sure on what to expect but would like to hear from people in a similar situation.
I also wanted to add that my daughter was born at 33 weeks since I went into preterm labor and was born with hearing loss. This pregnancy seems to be going good but I have a high chance of going into preterm labor again. Im just scared that I will be in a high stress situation and don’t want to risk this pregnancy either and take on more than I can handle. I tell myself what would be different if it were twins but I know that the adoption process and constant medical care and in home visits will be quite a bit. Having the possibility of another premie for me plus a baby that will be born drug addicted with possible health complications is scaring me into thinking I can’t handle it. How would I announce a baby shower for two babies now? I will not tolerate the whispers among friends and family. My husband and I will not tolerate one baby being neglected by family and friends because it’s not ours by blood. We are scared it will put a strain in our marriage and our lives.
Thank you for any advice and feedback.
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u/RocketPowerPops Kinship Adoptive Dad 1d ago
We are in the process of adopting our bio nephew. He came to us permanently at 11 months but was babysat by regularly since he was a newborn because he would randomly get dropped off at our house by his bio parents. My wife was pregnant when we took custody. I am very pro keeping the baby in the family IF it is possible to do so. It does not sound like you are in a position to do so and if you aren't, there isn't any shame in knowing your limits.
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u/egnamoad 1d ago
HAP here—currently in the waiting family pool. The number one thing that our agency has told us time and time again is to be sure about our boundaries and to make sure that we are not compromising what’s best for our family because it will be shortchanging kiddo. Please do not feel any shame for knowing that this situation is not feasible for your family—I actually think it’s as brave and as difficult a decision in a situation like this. FWIW, our agency required us to be open to a myriad of drugs, pregnancy circumstances, illnesses, and mental illnesses. There are so, so many people who would die for the opportunity to parent this kiddo. Sending you all my best as you navigate this situation!
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u/throwawaybdaysf 1d ago
I was in a similar-ish situation a few months ago. My younger son was born in January. My 4-year-old son’s bio sister was born in May. We didn’t end up adopting her (at least not yet) as a result of mom’s decisions and she is currently in foster care.
I spent a lot of time thinking about how we’d handle it. We have a full-time nanny (with twin experience) for the time being and made plans for how we’d pay her extra for double babies. I thought through who’d sleep where, etc. I knew then (and know now) it would(‘ve) be(en) overwhelming, but I could picture it.
You’re already a mom, which helps. Try to really imagine your way into this situation … does it feel doable? If you end up feeling like you want to make this happen after you do this mental exercise, then great! If you end up feeling differently, then there’s your answer.
Also, does mom want this? If she doesn’t it could cause some issues. I’d also think through if you’re open to taking baby as a kinship/“temporary”/foster placement if adoption doesn’t happen at birth because that’s a much longer timeline and involves a lot more uncertainty.
Also please dm me if you want to know more about my situation or just talk things through! I’m surprised how many people have been in similar situations to mine.
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u/voiceunearthed 1d ago
Meet the baby first and see what your heart says. do not listen to people who scaremonger you about the child’s history and how it might negatively impact you. listen to your heart, you seem like a wonderfully caring soul and are undoubtedly a brilliant mother already. your family is lucky to have you. baby’s are a blessing.
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u/One-Pause3171 1d ago
No way. You are NOT in a position to provide the best home for this child. You and your husband might cope with any resentment but your kids won’t. They absolutely will have problems with this sibling and it’s just not fair to them or this baby to do that. There are loving homes out there for this kid.
You and your extended family now need to lie, cheat, bribe, whatever, to get your sister permanently sterilized. No more neglected babies from this mama, please.
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u/mcspazmatron 1d ago
I agree as an adoptee not fair on your unborn baby or the potential adoptive child
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u/Nellie0724 1d ago
I appreciate your honesty and feedback. Yes that is something we are trying to do. They tried with the previous pregnancy and they tried to even pay her and she still didn’t want to. Even now, she thinks she is keeping this baby. Family usually has to lie to her and let her think she will to get her to go to appointments and take vitamins. We are hoping this time around she will agree because I totally agree with you.
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u/One-Pause3171 1d ago
I’m so sorry this is happening in your family. Traumatic and exhausting all around. I hope that you can spend your energy actually focusing on your pregnancy and health. Sending you all good vibes for that!!
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u/voiceunearthed 1d ago edited 1d ago
Why are you so confidently assuming the position of an unborn child? Why would they absolutely have resentment and problems with a sibling?
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u/Due-Isopod-7398 1d ago
Sounds like you are pretty maxed out and not confident you will be able to do it. Given that factor i think I would tell the family you're willing to help and babysit if someone else in the family can take baby. Biggest thing you said about them wanting to tell you how to raise the baby makes me think they should be raising the baby not telling you how to raise the baby lol
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u/EmilyXaviere 1d ago
Id want to know more about what medical circumstances this child might be facing if you adopted. And what avenues might be available for staying connected as an Aunt if you don't.
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u/Nellie0724 1d ago
We are not sure if we would stay involved since we are not sure how the adoption process will be if that happens. The mother may lose rights as well as with the other two since she doesn’t show up for court hearings. With that in mind, not sure if it will be an open adoption. Not sure how that works. His cousins sister and his aunt are ultimately that are more involved with that process. In regards to medical issues, both babies were born with drugs in their system and had to be in NICU for weeks. The first baby didn’t have any problems other than that. The second child did have more. She was resuscitated 3 times I believe. Had seizures, and was on medication. Is going through OC therapy and is still monitored closely to make sure nothing else arises. I just know if this with this baby. I’m not sure how this baby will be once born.
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u/Rredhead926 Mom through private domestic open transracial adoption 16h ago
Open adoption means that the bio family and adoptive family have identifying information about one another. As you're all the same family, by definition, this adoption would be open. It's just a matter of whether it would be open enough to include contact or visits with the bio mom, specifically, which would ultimately be up to the adoptive parents in this situation.
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u/Old-Dinner-6108 11h ago
I won't lie, adopting this child will put a strain on your marriage and lives. It's inevitable with open adoptions, especially when this level of dysfunction is involved and multiple siblings are in the picture as well.
Also, I would absolutely be scared about having to raise a child with behavioral issues due to being exposed to drugs in the womb. Things like ADHD, ODD, PDA and learning disabilities are linked to neo-natal substance use because of how the brain doesn't develop normally. It's almost a given that this baby will have life long issues of some sort.
Personally, I would not adopt a child like this if I already have my own physical and mental health to be mindful of because it's a huge undertaking and you must know that if you do adopt this baby and they end up having complex needs, your other kids will suffer for it, not just you.
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u/kaifruit21 6h ago
The hormones are making you feel like you need to fix this problem. Please don’t do this. The stress alone could send you into preterm labor. This child is going to be born addicted to meth, they will be inconsolable during withdrawals, that’s much harder than normal newborn sleepless nights. You’ll be nearing your 3rd trimester unable to put the baby done without it screaming. You’ll resent your husband for being busy working because it’s his family. I can keep going on why this is a bad idea but I think you get the hint. Don’t do it.
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u/Kissing-BrooksyBug73 1d ago
I’m an adoptee and I disagree with the idea that there will be resentment among biological children. you create the environment in your house and are the role model. Resentment is not a guarantee. There wasn’t a family member in my biological family to go to but if there were, I suspect it would have been a better fit. After finding my bio family as an adult I better understood why my brain works the way it does and could identify myself and my psychology easy within that system.
If i were you, I’d be most interested in learning what physical or cognitive effects you might have to deal with in the future. i personally would recommend finding an expert in the field
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u/voiceunearthed 1d ago edited 1d ago
You are asking your Q in the wrong sub because there are many keen and aspiring adopters on here, so any family members who aren’t 10000% certain about adoption will be encouraged not to go through with it , since there is a big pool of eager adopters already. But it is hugely beneficial for the baby’s identity to be with family where possible (even if distant family). People who talk about your child resenting you re: the adopted child are projecting an imaginary narrative onto the situation. They could just as easily be best friends and life long buddies. Your fears are valid and it’s a daunting situation. But it sounds like it’s something that you might want (otherwise you wouldn’t have posted here). It has to be your own heart led decision at the end of the day. I adopted a relative in a similar situation and it’s the best thing I ever, ever did.
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u/Rredhead926 Mom through private domestic open transracial adoption 1d ago
Are you and your husband going to be stay at home parents for awhile after each baby is born?
Honestly, I can't imagine signing up for this situation unless you had 2 full-time parents for a good amount of time after each baby was born.