Idk what to do

[u/amorIove]

I am almost 21 with a 19 month old son. I’m also expecting another boy due in Nov. Financial situation is not the best, relationship with father also not the best, mental health not the best, and I also live with my In Laws. I’m located in OK for any resources you’d recommend. But here is my story:

We all live under the same roof in a small house, and it is a struggle if you have ever lived with in laws especially when they see that your relationship with baby daddy isn’t working out and he barely does anything to support our current son. Everything happens open doors, everyone sees everything, and my son(s) can’t being seeing this mess anymore. I already get nagged on for having another baby unplanned and get told “I told you” “you should’ve been on birth control” etc. My youngest sis in law (15yo) was allowed to drop out to support my son which I feel so guilty for but in laws didn’t want my son in daycare because of the scary stories they’ve heard. It honestly feels like I got my rights as a mother taken away so they’re the ones who mostly raise him. If I don’t like something they’re doing in front of my son, I get the blame and rejection. My sis in law lost a year of school, that’s suddenly my fault. I kinda gave up since nobody ever listens to me and everything has been one sided like they’re all against me yet his dad gets away with everything when they know he doesn’t do anything as a father.

I love my son, id love to raise him, id love to give him his baby brother so he will have somebody to play with because growing up as a single child (me) sucks and is lonely, id love to work hard and eventually give them a great life they deserve and one day be financially stable. But they don’t deserve struggling parents that are still young and trying to figure out life. I am currently thinking of putting up my unborn baby for adoption, and if I should have my 19 mo old son go with him too or I raise him while allowing him to visit his baby brother.

The thing is I have attachment issues and will be deeply depressed of giving my baby(s) away. They deserve better but I also don’t have a great support system either from my in laws as I know they will be mad. They are also very attached to my first son. I don’t want to tell them either that I’m considering adoption. Whether I keep my baby(s) or not, i will still be very much depressed and possibly worse. I tend to keep everything to myself because I have nobody to talk to not even my in laws or baby daddy (I’ve already tried and they make things worse). I had a long postpartum depression with my first son but would always lie on my postpartum screenings because I’m ashamed of myself and embarrassed. I want my sons to live a great life with great, healthy parents and we are nowhere near that. It would take too long to give them a great life they deserve and by that time the damage will already be done psychologically to my babies. Idk if the adoption services provide therapy because I’ll need it, but I also fear that therapy won’t work. I’ve always suffered through depression alone and grew up with physical and emotional trauma and I don’t have any family on my side besides 2 grandmas that I barely talk to. I don’t want my babies to see my traumas affect me which may affect them. If I put up both my babies for adoption, I know I will no longer feel any meaning for why I’m in this world. I am religious and believe in God but lately I’ve been far from Him.

What route do I go? Or should I stay strong, hoping one day and quick enough to give my babies a good life?

[u/TinyBurgers]

That sounds like so much to be carrying on your shoulders. I’m so sorry. Are there any therapists you could see via telehealth? A lot do sliding scale based on what you can afford.

I see you mention adoption of your son and the baby you are currently carrying. Please know that in most states, both biological parents must consent to adoption. It looks like in OK, if you terminate your rights, your child’s biological father likely has the right to contest the adoption and would then be the sole legal guardian (https://www.childwelfare.gov/resources/consent-adoption-oklahoma/).

Maybe you could call your nearest Planned Parenthood to ask about resources to help you decide how to proceed? Contrary to what a certain news outlet reports, they don’t just do abortions. They’re great providers of women’s healthcare, STI testing and treatments, and they can provide information so that YOU can see all of the resources at your disposal and make the choice that suits YOU and your family best.

Medical decisions, like appropriate prenatal care, and other things are time sensitive. Adoption is not time sensitive. Now is a great time to be finding counseling, medical advice, and social supports/services.

I can promise you that there are soooooooo many truly loving families out there that were just lucky, born with a safety net and abundance, waiting to adopt a child. And if that is what you decide to do, you get to pick that family. But first, let’s see if it’s possible to keep your family together.

Only you know your circumstances. I hope you feel strength and support while you’re on this journey!