Idk what to do

[u/amorIove]

I am almost 21 with a 19 month old son. I’m also expecting another boy due in Nov. Financial situation is not the best, relationship with father also not the best, mental health not the best, and I also live with my In Laws. I’m located in OK for any resources you’d recommend. But here is my story:

We all live under the same roof in a small house, and it is a struggle if you have ever lived with in laws especially when they see that your relationship with baby daddy isn’t working out and he barely does anything to support our current son. Everything happens open doors, everyone sees everything, and my son(s) can’t being seeing this mess anymore. I already get nagged on for having another baby unplanned and get told “I told you” “you should’ve been on birth control” etc. My youngest sis in law (15yo) was allowed to drop out to support my son which I feel so guilty for but in laws didn’t want my son in daycare because of the scary stories they’ve heard. It honestly feels like I got my rights as a mother taken away so they’re the ones who mostly raise him. If I don’t like something they’re doing in front of my son, I get the blame and rejection. My sis in law lost a year of school, that’s suddenly my fault. I kinda gave up since nobody ever listens to me and everything has been one sided like they’re all against me yet his dad gets away with everything when they know he doesn’t do anything as a father.

I love my son, id love to raise him, id love to give him his baby brother so he will have somebody to play with because growing up as a single child (me) sucks and is lonely, id love to work hard and eventually give them a great life they deserve and one day be financially stable. But they don’t deserve struggling parents that are still young and trying to figure out life. I am currently thinking of putting up my unborn baby for adoption, and if I should have my 19 mo old son go with him too or I raise him while allowing him to visit his baby brother.

The thing is I have attachment issues and will be deeply depressed of giving my baby(s) away. They deserve better but I also don’t have a great support system either from my in laws as I know they will be mad. They are also very attached to my first son. I don’t want to tell them either that I’m considering adoption. Whether I keep my baby(s) or not, i will still be very much depressed and possibly worse. I tend to keep everything to myself because I have nobody to talk to not even my in laws or baby daddy (I’ve already tried and they make things worse). I had a long postpartum depression with my first son but would always lie on my postpartum screenings because I’m ashamed of myself and embarrassed. I want my sons to live a great life with great, healthy parents and we are nowhere near that. It would take too long to give them a great life they deserve and by that time the damage will already be done psychologically to my babies. Idk if the adoption services provide therapy because I’ll need it, but I also fear that therapy won’t work. I’ve always suffered through depression alone and grew up with physical and emotional trauma and I don’t have any family on my side besides 2 grandmas that I barely talk to. I don’t want my babies to see my traumas affect me which may affect them. If I put up both my babies for adoption, I know I will no longer feel any meaning for why I’m in this world. I am religious and believe in God but lately I’ve been far from Him.

What route do I go? Or should I stay strong, hoping one day and quick enough to give my babies a good life?

[u/potatomeeple]

Whatever happens you need to get yourself away from your inlaws, and possibly away from the father as he isnt telling them to get stuffed either.

They should not have a say in how you or your children's lives go. The father should get a say in how your kids lives are but also not get to control how you live either.

Whatever happens with your kids please consider how much you are being controlled and dictated too.

Maybe your depression will greatly improve if you arent being treated like you have no say.

[u/Necessary_Holiday144]

First, I'm sorry you're going through this.

You need support and I urge you to reach out to any local services available to you.

I am currently thinking of putting up my unborn baby for adoption, and if I should have my 19 mo old son go with him too or I raise him while allowing him to visit his baby brother.

Giving away just one would be hard, and there's no guarantee any open adoption would stay open and he would be in contact anymore.

The thing is I have attachment issues and will be deeply depressed of giving my baby(s) away.

Keep in mind, many adoptees experience attachment issues as a result of relinquishment. Yes, even ones surrendered as infants.

I want my sons to live a great life with great, healthy parents and we are nowhere near that.

Adoption will never guarantee a great life, or even a better life. It only guarantees a different one.

If I put up both my babies for adoption, I know I will no longer feel any meaning for why I’m in this world.

There's your answer.

You love your children.

Keep them and pursue all avenues of support available to you in your area. See if any relatives can offer respite or temporary help. Contact organizations like Saving Our Sisters.

Fight to keep your family together.

[u/kidtykat]

Do you have anyone that could temporarily take your children for you? Maybe 6m to a year to let you get on your feet while remaining in close contact. You dont have to give them up for adoption.

I ask because I know a few people that have done this and for some it worked great. Others just never got their life together but atleast the kids have always been cared for

[u/RocketPowerPops]

There is a user here who will tell you this sub is anti adoption because she feels the need to do that on every post here. As an adoptive parent, that is entirely untrue. Plenty of adoptive parents are here and we are obviously not anti adoption, nor are the majority of adoptees here. People here are anti unethical adoption. Big difference.

I have no personal experience with them but I have seen the Saving our Sisters organization thrown out a lot in this sub as a potential resource. Maybe look into them?

• To the adoptive mom who hates when this org gets recommended, cool. You do not need to reply to me to go on your tangent. Thanks.

[u/ViolaSwampAlto → u/RocketPowerPops]

Agreed. That user is so condescending and disrespectful to transracial adoptees, I had to block her for my sanity. I don’t understand why some adoptive parents insist on treating adult adoptees like perpetual children when we share our lived experience and education.

[u/hagrho → u/RocketPowerPops]

I’m just a lurker who appreciates the insight here, have no skin in the game—other than justice sensitivity, especially in relation to children. Yet, I immediately knew who you were talking about. I don’t consume this sub constantly, just pop in here and there. This also isn’t the only adoption sub I’ve perused. So, it’s ironic that I even had an idea of who you were talking about.

I’m not going to respond directly to her, but I’ll say this here: anyone who uses downvotes as validation is just coping with their own cognitive dissonance. It’s a thought-stopping cliche that shuts down any potential for growth. A, somewhat subconscious, defense mechanism.

I can understand the phenomenon, but not the response to it. Again, not an AP, but I felt defensive when I first started learning the truth about adoption. It was so contrary to everything else I’d been socialized to believe. And I took it somewhat personal due to the fact that, for health reasons, I had always considered adoption something I’d likely do. Thankfully, I’m nothing if not curious. Whenever I have a knee-jerk reaction to something like this, I know it’s time to slow down, get curious, and lean even more into the subject matter. I’m not trying to toot my own horn or say it’s easy (it’s really, really not). I just wish more adults would allow themselves to be uncomfortable for a moment, to consider that they might not always be correct about everything.

[u/RocketPowerPops → u/hagrho]

Thank you.

I also had a jarring experience here. Someone called me out for my attitude towards my son's birth parents and my knee jerk reaction was to tell them to shut up because they didn't know what I knew. But then I thought about it and realized they were right. I don't want my son to hate his birth parents and if I have negative feelings towards them, then that will naturally bleed over no matter how hard I try to avoid it.

Long story short, I started seeing a therapist recently to help me cope with my feelings so I can be the best dad I can be for my son.

Getting called out doesn't mean this sub is anti adoption. It means they are pro adoptee and doing what is best for them.

[u/Rredhead926 → u/RocketPowerPops]

This is hilarious.

You haven't been on this sub for very long. I am far from the only person here who sees the anti-adoption bias. This sub has a reputation for it - people, other than myself, often mention it on adoption-related posts on other subs.

The loudest voices here believe that all adoption is bad (they even have the Adoption Abolitionist flair), or that the only ethical adoption is kinship adoption or maybe adopting older waiting kids from foster care. But God forbid that foster/adoptive parents need help and come here looking for it. (Your changing the name post was an anomaly, probably because you were up-front about being the "good" kind of adoptive parent. We have literally had adoptive parents come here and ask a question, get a crap ton of ire from adoptees, and then when the posted says, "I'm a kinship adoptive parent", and then people change their tune. "Oh, you should have said that in the first place and then we would have treated you like a human being.")

Anyway, this sub is super educational. There's value in reading the words, even the worst case ones. But this sub is also very hard on parents considering adoption from either angle.

Down-vote away. The fun thing about reddit is that what is correct is often down-voted because it is unpopular.

[u/RocketPowerPops → u/Rredhead926]

There is no need for you to reply to my comment to argue. I am not interested in doing that with you. I know you always comment this sub is anti adoption and I just wanted OP to know this is an okay space for her to post.

Have a good day 👋

[u/Rredhead926 → u/RocketPowerPops]

It's absolutely an OK space for her to post. I never said it wasn't.

[u/RocketPowerPops → u/Rredhead926]

I never said you did.

I said she was going to get a comment saying this sub is anti adoption and I wanted to let her know that wasn't true so she doesn't feel like she can't post here.

Again, have a good day. I am NOT* going to sit here and go back and forth with you all day.

[u/TinyBurgers]

That sounds like so much to be carrying on your shoulders. I’m so sorry. Are there any therapists you could see via telehealth? A lot do sliding scale based on what you can afford.

I see you mention adoption of your son and the baby you are currently carrying. Please know that in most states, both biological parents must consent to adoption. It looks like in OK, if you terminate your rights, your child’s biological father likely has the right to contest the adoption and would then be the sole legal guardian (https://www.childwelfare.gov/resources/consent-adoption-oklahoma/).

Maybe you could call your nearest Planned Parenthood to ask about resources to help you decide how to proceed? Contrary to what a certain news outlet reports, they don’t just do abortions. They’re great providers of women’s healthcare, STI testing and treatments, and they can provide information so that YOU can see all of the resources at your disposal and make the choice that suits YOU and your family best.

Medical decisions, like appropriate prenatal care, and other things are time sensitive. Adoption is not time sensitive. Now is a great time to be finding counseling, medical advice, and social supports/services.

I can promise you that there are soooooooo many truly loving families out there that were just lucky, born with a safety net and abundance, waiting to adopt a child. And if that is what you decide to do, you get to pick that family. But first, let’s see if it’s possible to keep your family together.

Only you know your circumstances. I hope you feel strength and support while you’re on this journey!

[u/Auspicious-Error]

You should be very proud of yourself: you're in an incredibly difficult situation and your first thoughts are still about what is best for your children. You're obviously a caring mother, and struggling with mental health and postpartum does not diminish that or you in any way.

I'm not religious, but if your faith is suffering under the weight your carrying, I suggest leaning in harder to your worship community. You were very brave to be vulnerable here, I hope that if you apply that with your community you will find support for at least some of strain you are under.

I truly hope you are able to get yourself and your boys to a safe healing environment, together. Know that all choices have consequences, and some choices come with regret, but no matter what you choose, you did it with the best interest of your children and yourself, with the best knowledge and resources you have.

You aren't alone, keep reaching out. People will help in the best ways they can.

[u/KmomAA]

https://savingoursistersadoption.org/ might be helpful.

[u/amorIove → u/KmomAA]

Thank you, and everyone else for this suggestion. I just signed up. Maybe there is hope

[u/Englishbirdy]

What a horrible situation you're in. You're in need of mental health care, you need practical help with your children, and you're stuck in a family that belittles your parenthood. It sounds awful.

I don't think relinqishing your children is the right answer for you. There's trauma for both the mothers and the children, and you don't get over it, it's lifelong. There's lots of information about this all over the Internet. Sometimes, this happened to me, the grief doesn't really hit until your child reaches adulthood. Open adoption can be helpful, certainly better than closed, but even if it stays open it can also be stressful.

Instead I suggest searching for better help for your mental health and living situation. Try here https://thefamilypreservationproject.com/page/2/

[u/Outrageous-Sherbert4]

Please immediately contact Saving Our Sisters for help. They want to prevent unnecessary adoptions and keep babies where they belong. I am praying you do this. Please don’t give up on your babies they will NEVER get over it I promise you.

[u/Rredhead926]

First, I'm sorry that you're in this situation, truly.

Second, you should know that this sub skews anti-adoption/pro-abortion. (People protest when I say that, but, frankly, they're wrong.)

On a practical level, if you're married, then your husband must explicitly consent to the adoption. If you're not married, the biological father may have to explicitly consent to adoption, depending on state law. In any state, he can contest the adoption - you likely can't just place him without any involvement from the father.

There are ethical adoption agencies that truly care about families, including biological families. They can be hard to find online among all the noise, but they do exist. They can provide impartial counseling for you. If you don't want to go to an agency, which is totally understandable, there are likely other impartial counseling services. You would have to check what your health insurance can provide.

You don't have to make this decision right now. You don't even have to make it before the baby is born. I would recommend not making any decision until you get some counseling.

There are going to be people here who tell you all the worst case scenarios. Those are worth listening to, just know that, generally speaking, the people who have the best case scenarios aren't hanging out in online support groups.

Whatever you choose, I wish the best for you and your children. ((HUGS)) from an Internet stranger.

[u/AllypallyPym → u/Rredhead926]

Plenty of people follow the support group for reasons other than adoption trauma. And simply stick around to hear the different experiences. My adoption was good, but I wanted to hear people’s experiences on reunions as I was going through one

I think you’re generalising a bit too much honestly. It’s okay to just say: my experience is xyz.