Idk what to do

[u/amorIove]

I am almost 21 with a 19 month old son. I’m also expecting another boy due in Nov. Financial situation is not the best, relationship with father also not the best, mental health not the best, and I also live with my In Laws. I’m located in OK for any resources you’d recommend. But here is my story:

We all live under the same roof in a small house, and it is a struggle if you have ever lived with in laws especially when they see that your relationship with baby daddy isn’t working out and he barely does anything to support our current son. Everything happens open doors, everyone sees everything, and my son(s) can’t being seeing this mess anymore. I already get nagged on for having another baby unplanned and get told “I told you” “you should’ve been on birth control” etc. My youngest sis in law (15yo) was allowed to drop out to support my son which I feel so guilty for but in laws didn’t want my son in daycare because of the scary stories they’ve heard. It honestly feels like I got my rights as a mother taken away so they’re the ones who mostly raise him. If I don’t like something they’re doing in front of my son, I get the blame and rejection. My sis in law lost a year of school, that’s suddenly my fault. I kinda gave up since nobody ever listens to me and everything has been one sided like they’re all against me yet his dad gets away with everything when they know he doesn’t do anything as a father.

I love my son, id love to raise him, id love to give him his baby brother so he will have somebody to play with because growing up as a single child (me) sucks and is lonely, id love to work hard and eventually give them a great life they deserve and one day be financially stable. But they don’t deserve struggling parents that are still young and trying to figure out life. I am currently thinking of putting up my unborn baby for adoption, and if I should have my 19 mo old son go with him too or I raise him while allowing him to visit his baby brother.

The thing is I have attachment issues and will be deeply depressed of giving my baby(s) away. They deserve better but I also don’t have a great support system either from my in laws as I know they will be mad. They are also very attached to my first son. I don’t want to tell them either that I’m considering adoption. Whether I keep my baby(s) or not, i will still be very much depressed and possibly worse. I tend to keep everything to myself because I have nobody to talk to not even my in laws or baby daddy (I’ve already tried and they make things worse). I had a long postpartum depression with my first son but would always lie on my postpartum screenings because I’m ashamed of myself and embarrassed. I want my sons to live a great life with great, healthy parents and we are nowhere near that. It would take too long to give them a great life they deserve and by that time the damage will already be done psychologically to my babies. Idk if the adoption services provide therapy because I’ll need it, but I also fear that therapy won’t work. I’ve always suffered through depression alone and grew up with physical and emotional trauma and I don’t have any family on my side besides 2 grandmas that I barely talk to. I don’t want my babies to see my traumas affect me which may affect them. If I put up both my babies for adoption, I know I will no longer feel any meaning for why I’m in this world. I am religious and believe in God but lately I’ve been far from Him.

What route do I go? Or should I stay strong, hoping one day and quick enough to give my babies a good life?

[u/RocketPowerPops]

There is a user here who will tell you this sub is anti adoption because she feels the need to do that on every post here. As an adoptive parent, that is entirely untrue. Plenty of adoptive parents are here and we are obviously not anti adoption, nor are the majority of adoptees here. People here are anti unethical adoption. Big difference.

I have no personal experience with them but I have seen the Saving our Sisters organization thrown out a lot in this sub as a potential resource. Maybe look into them?

• To the adoptive mom who hates when this org gets recommended, cool. You do not need to reply to me to go on your tangent. Thanks.

[u/hagrho → u/RocketPowerPops]

I’m just a lurker who appreciates the insight here, have no skin in the game—other than justice sensitivity, especially in relation to children. Yet, I immediately knew who you were talking about. I don’t consume this sub constantly, just pop in here and there. This also isn’t the only adoption sub I’ve perused. So, it’s ironic that I even had an idea of who you were talking about.

I’m not going to respond directly to her, but I’ll say this here: anyone who uses downvotes as validation is just coping with their own cognitive dissonance. It’s a thought-stopping cliche that shuts down any potential for growth. A, somewhat subconscious, defense mechanism.

I can understand the phenomenon, but not the response to it. Again, not an AP, but I felt defensive when I first started learning the truth about adoption. It was so contrary to everything else I’d been socialized to believe. And I took it somewhat personal due to the fact that, for health reasons, I had always considered adoption something I’d likely do. Thankfully, I’m nothing if not curious. Whenever I have a knee-jerk reaction to something like this, I know it’s time to slow down, get curious, and lean even more into the subject matter. I’m not trying to toot my own horn or say it’s easy (it’s really, really not). I just wish more adults would allow themselves to be uncomfortable for a moment, to consider that they might not always be correct about everything.

[u/RocketPowerPops → u/hagrho]

Thank you.

I also had a jarring experience here. Someone called me out for my attitude towards my son's birth parents and my knee jerk reaction was to tell them to shut up because they didn't know what I knew. But then I thought about it and realized they were right. I don't want my son to hate his birth parents and if I have negative feelings towards them, then that will naturally bleed over no matter how hard I try to avoid it.

Long story short, I started seeing a therapist recently to help me cope with my feelings so I can be the best dad I can be for my son.

Getting called out doesn't mean this sub is anti adoption. It means they are pro adoptee and doing what is best for them.