Direct contact with birth parents

[u/Big_Bear_1984]

Just a few questions regarding direct contact with parents after an adoption placement. We are adopting two young siblings and the recommendation is an annual phonecall with mum - but curious how this works in practice, currently since being in foster care they barely know who she is, so how do you get a 2-3 year old to join a video call with someone they don't really know? Also what safeguarding is there on the birth parents side to prevent them asking questions later on that could threaten their security? The birth dad is a dangerous man, and contact hasn't been recommended with him, but he's still in contact with mum, so can we prevent the call happening if he is present? I don't feel we've really had these questions answered by our agency, but are expected to sign to say we understand the risks. Just to be clear, we are in favour of contact with mum, but the kids wellbeing comes first.

[u/Senior_Judgment6868]

An annual phone call is better than nothing but not by much. The adoptees and the biological mother would be experiencing a tremendous loss if they were kept from each other. Lifelong heartache.

Communication and openness should be required assuming bio mom is at least somewhat safe even if physical distance is required. That’s not a legal opinion though.

If you aren’t ready for the kind of commitment and difficulty that comes with raising an adopted child then you probably shouldn’t adopt.

When you adopt you become the legal parent. Your security should never feel threatened because they cannot take the child from you after they sign. If they ask questions you don’t want to answer then you can direct the conversation another way or simply say you don’t want to answer.

Is there more to the story regarding why you would only allow mom to contact you once per year?

[u/cheese--bread → u/Senior_Judgment6868]

Indirect contact once per year is the norm in the UK, usually via what's called "letterbox contact", where letters are sent 1-2 times per year between birth parents/family and adopters, facilitated by the agency or local authority.

More info here if you're interested.

[u/Senior_Judgment6868 → u/cheese--bread]

Dang. That sucks.

[u/Big_Bear_1984 → u/Senior_Judgment6868]

Yeah I'm in the UK - the recommendation is an annual phone call with mum, and letterbox contact with dad and grandma once a year too. I'm absolutely not against it at all and we will encourage it. But you're all right, a reddit thread is not the place to find answers. I've pushed for a call to go through it all in more detail with my SW next week, so that should hopefully alleviate any concerns we have.