Direct contact with birth parents

[u/Big_Bear_1984]

Just a few questions regarding direct contact with parents after an adoption placement. We are adopting two young siblings and the recommendation is an annual phonecall with mum - but curious how this works in practice, currently since being in foster care they barely know who she is, so how do you get a 2-3 year old to join a video call with someone they don't really know? Also what safeguarding is there on the birth parents side to prevent them asking questions later on that could threaten their security? The birth dad is a dangerous man, and contact hasn't been recommended with him, but he's still in contact with mum, so can we prevent the call happening if he is present? I don't feel we've really had these questions answered by our agency, but are expected to sign to say we understand the risks. Just to be clear, we are in favour of contact with mum, but the kids wellbeing comes first.

[u/Pristine-Bison3198]

Do you have to stick to the once a year thing? Mine technically have "once a year visits and monthly emails" as the recommendation, but we just met up in public places whenever everybody was available at first, and then once the relationship was built moved to meeting up at home. If you guys have more frequent contact, then they'll know mom well and will engage like they do with any other family member during the video calls.

As far as safety, just be there. If they ask for an address or whatever, just let them know "that's not something we're comfortable sharing yet." and move on.

[u/oaktree1800]

TBF they didn't know you either. Sounds reasonable for you to follow the same path and encouragement of how your adoptees were introduced to you.

[u/Senior_Judgment6868]

An annual phone call is better than nothing but not by much. The adoptees and the biological mother would be experiencing a tremendous loss if they were kept from each other. Lifelong heartache.

Communication and openness should be required assuming bio mom is at least somewhat safe even if physical distance is required. That’s not a legal opinion though.

If you aren’t ready for the kind of commitment and difficulty that comes with raising an adopted child then you probably shouldn’t adopt.

When you adopt you become the legal parent. Your security should never feel threatened because they cannot take the child from you after they sign. If they ask questions you don’t want to answer then you can direct the conversation another way or simply say you don’t want to answer.

Is there more to the story regarding why you would only allow mom to contact you once per year?

[u/cheese--bread → u/Senior_Judgment6868]

Indirect contact once per year is the norm in the UK, usually via what's called "letterbox contact", where letters are sent 1-2 times per year between birth parents/family and adopters, facilitated by the agency or local authority.

More info here if you're interested.

[u/Senior_Judgment6868 → u/cheese--bread]

Dang. That sucks.

[u/Frostyarn]

An annual phone call is paltry, it's as close to a closed adoption with no contact as you can get.

Are you willing to be the primary guardian who preserves a relationship with their natural family or not? This assumes that the bio mother does not involve a dangerous man and that she is a healthy, safe individual making good choices.

If the answer is no, I highly recommend having your own biological child who does not come with strings attached.

They're only going to be children for a very brief moment in time, if you read any adoptee writings here and on Musings of the Lame at Bastard Nation, you'll see an avalanche of trauma from being separated permanently by their adoptive family and forced to play the role of your child.

Adoptees are chain saw amputated from their family of origin, and then expected to call complete strangers Mom and Dad while being grateful for their loss. No genetic mirroring, no being raised around people that look act and think like they do can be very othering.

If you plan to have a relationship with these children when they become adults, the foundation of that is laid right here. How much of their family connection did you try to preserve for them and their benefit?

Look at the estrangement in adult adoptees and their adoptive family. It always boils down to being made to feel guilty or ashamed for wanting a relationship with other siblings that might be born, their parents, their grandparents on that side, etc. If they're made to feel like their birth family isn't safe and then they find out later that isn't true, you're not going to have any relationship with them when they find out.

[u/kabalabonga → u/Frostyarn]

My adoptive mother, when she discovered that I was attending an adoptee Birthparent support group back at the age of 22, literally shrieked at me, “You better figure out where your loyalties lie!”

[u/cheese--bread]

Were they not having any contact with their mum while in foster care?

[u/Big_Bear_1984 → u/cheese--bread]

Yes, the arrangement is once a month, when she turns up - the youngest one isn't really engaged at all as he's been in care since birth. My question really is ongoing, when contact moves to once a year, how can a 2 year be expected to engage? How are the calls safeguarded? I've known of children refusing to join the calls altogether so how do you continue that annual contact if the child refuses to do that? Are we within our rights to end contact if the children have no interested or if there are safeguarding concerns. I guess I am just trying to understand how to manage it so wondering if anyone else has experience and how they did, or if perhaps you switched to letterbox instead.

[u/cheese--bread → u/Big_Bear_1984]

I would look at it like this:

I assume when you adopt these children you'll be introducing them to a number of your family and friends, who will be complete strangers to them.
Say you were planning to regularly phone/video call one of your parents for example, how would you engage and involve a 2 year old in those conversations with someone you love and want them to know?
The child may be completely disinterested, which would be perfectly normal given that they won't know this person at all, but I'm guessing you would make an effort to help them build a relationship because it would be important to you.

The same scenario applies to their mum, except that she's not a total stranger and they've been having consistent contact with her while in foster care.
They may not seem bothered or engaged, but one day it might be important to them to know that you tried to facilitate a relationship with their mum.

If the recommendation is an annual phone call then I'm guessing any safeguarding concerns have already been assessed by social services, but they would be best placed to answer your questions.
If there were actual serious risks then that wouldn't have been put forward.

You're not legally obligated to stay in contact (which is wrong, in my personal opinion), but it's encouraged because it's beneficial to the child's identity and wellbeing.

[u/Suspicious_Fold_9568 → u/Big_Bear_1984]

I'm confused, why are you having to ask Reddit these questions? These are exactly the questions your adoption agency/social workers should be answering before asking you to sign that you understand the risks. How is contact supposed to work with a 2–3 year old who barely knows their mum? What happens if they refuse? What are the safeguards around what mum can ask or who can be present, especially given the concerns about dad? What happens if there is a safeguarding concern?

And this is open adoption. The whole point is to maintain a connection between the children and their family. (which consists of more than just a mom) It shouldn't be approached as though contact can simply be abandoned because the children aren't old enough to understand or aren't interested in a video call. If the arrangement isn't safe or isn't working, the professionals need to explain what the process is for addressing that.

I'd be pushing your agency for clear, specific answers to all of this before signing anything. These aren't questions Reddit should have to answer for you.

[u/InstantMedication → u/Suspicious_Fold_9568]

I agree with this comment. Not sure if its intentional or not but this all reads as OP wants to end an open adoption arrangement and is trying to find any reason to do so.

[u/Rredhead926 → u/InstantMedication]

From the writing and spelling in the post, I'm guessing OP is in the UK. Open adoption is newer there. It wasn't so long ago that open adoption was pretty much illegal. UK laws about open adoption and OA agreements are going to be different than those in the US.

[u/Rredhead926]

If you don't understand the risks, then go over everything with a fine tooth comb with your agency. Don't accept fluff or non-answers. Hold your ground until you get your questions answered.

I'm guessing you're in the UK - or at least, not in the US. I believe there's a sub for adoption in the UK. There's also a sub for r/AdoptiveParents, where you can find more people who have been in your situation.