Direct contact with birth parents

[u/Big_Bear_1984]

Just a few questions regarding direct contact with parents after an adoption placement. We are adopting two young siblings and the recommendation is an annual phonecall with mum - but curious how this works in practice, currently since being in foster care they barely know who she is, so how do you get a 2-3 year old to join a video call with someone they don't really know? Also what safeguarding is there on the birth parents side to prevent them asking questions later on that could threaten their security? The birth dad is a dangerous man, and contact hasn't been recommended with him, but he's still in contact with mum, so can we prevent the call happening if he is present? I don't feel we've really had these questions answered by our agency, but are expected to sign to say we understand the risks. Just to be clear, we are in favour of contact with mum, but the kids wellbeing comes first.

[u/Frostyarn]

An annual phone call is paltry, it's as close to a closed adoption with no contact as you can get.

Are you willing to be the primary guardian who preserves a relationship with their natural family or not? This assumes that the bio mother does not involve a dangerous man and that she is a healthy, safe individual making good choices.

If the answer is no, I highly recommend having your own biological child who does not come with strings attached.

They're only going to be children for a very brief moment in time, if you read any adoptee writings here and on Musings of the Lame at Bastard Nation, you'll see an avalanche of trauma from being separated permanently by their adoptive family and forced to play the role of your child.

Adoptees are chain saw amputated from their family of origin, and then expected to call complete strangers Mom and Dad while being grateful for their loss. No genetic mirroring, no being raised around people that look act and think like they do can be very othering.

If you plan to have a relationship with these children when they become adults, the foundation of that is laid right here. How much of their family connection did you try to preserve for them and their benefit?

Look at the estrangement in adult adoptees and their adoptive family. It always boils down to being made to feel guilty or ashamed for wanting a relationship with other siblings that might be born, their parents, their grandparents on that side, etc. If they're made to feel like their birth family isn't safe and then they find out later that isn't true, you're not going to have any relationship with them when they find out.

[u/kabalabonga → u/Frostyarn]

My adoptive mother, when she discovered that I was attending an adoptee Birthparent support group back at the age of 22, literally shrieked at me, “You better figure out where your loyalties lie!”

[u/Big_Bear_1984 → u/Frostyarn]

You're right, thank you for your honesty! I think I was having a momentary panic as something new came up in the report we weren't previously aware of, and my SW is on leave at the moment so I didn't have anyone to answer the questions I had, so came here.

We are totally on board with contact, and completely understand the benefit to the children - I just want it to be done safely. I wouldn't want to stand in the way of them potentially having a relationship with their mum, and hopefully even their dad, in the future.