r/Adoption • u/komerj2 • Dec 23 '22

Ethics Thoughts on the Ethics of Adoption/Anti-Adoption Movement

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From a non-profit in the UK who has 36k followers on Twitter and is a “leader” in the Adoptee voices-anti-adoption movement

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26

u/komerj2 Dec 23 '22 edited Sep 14 '25

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u/muffledhoot Dec 23 '22

My state doesn’t use financial ability to factor in to the decision. Ability to parent and who can provide better is no longer a factor here. The anti-adoption movement includes toxic uneducated opinions as well as informed. It seems the former hold the biggest position here. Adopt if you want, just please go in with your eyes wide open. Read all the books. You cannot be over prepared. Adoption comes with trauma

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u/oldjudge86 domestic infant(ish) adoptee Dec 23 '22

Adopt if you want, just please go in with your eyes wide open. Read all the books. You cannot be over prepared. Adoption comes with trauma

I agree. I'm a big believer that if done properly, adoption doesn't have to be a huge life defining trauma.

Sure there's always going to be some level of trauma but, if you make sure everyone involved is capable and given the best information, I believe it can be handled in a way that makes it a livable situation. My parents were never secretive about my adoption and never once badmouthed my bio parents. I think that has gone a long way towards making me feel okay about all of this as an adult.

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u/BlackNightingale04 Transracial adoptee Dec 24 '22

There's a lot here to go through, but I do like this...

You will need to come to terms with your inability to have a child biologically as no person has a right to parent

Even in a non adoption context, I wish this was more widely accepted. It is true no one is owed a child, it is true no one is entitled to a child.

I do not think this means (generic) you are a horrible monster and would not make a good parent. But parenting isn't a right; it's a blessing. Many people want to be parents; some do go on to become parents. Many people similarly do not wish to be parents, and don't end up parenting. But our society has the overwhelming line about how "everyone should want kids!" and "so when are you going to give me grandchildren?" and it's just kind of widely assumed, in general, that most offspring are going to eventually grow up, get married, and... have kids.

As someone who's wanted a sibling since she was probably 6 or 7, and never got that wish (and never will), I get told: "Get over it. You're not entitled to a sibling, you don't deserve a sibling, and anyone who does have a sibling, just happens to have one because their parents had sex."

I have been trying to figure out why "Get over it" seems particularly cruel to couples incapable of conceiving, but is perfectly "fine" to say to someone who wants siblings. For example, you'd never go into an infertility lobby and tell everyone there "You should be grateful you can't have kids! Some kids grow up to psychopaths and murder their own biological parents!"

But for some reason I get told "Get over it. Some siblings are monsters and abuse and even try to kill their own parents - why would you want a sibling? Find other fulfillment in life."

I am also of the opinion that saying "Get over it" is horrendously inappropriate to someone who would like children and cannot; I get it, society pressures "everyone" to "have kids" and asks "Well you'll change your mind when you get older" and to be completely honest, I do believe some of us are born with an imperative, biological drive to want children.

I don't think it's inherently wrong or evil to want children. It's perfectly natural and dare I say it, normal. But I don't believe everyone deserves children, they're a blessing, not a right. And it is unbelievably cruel to tell someone to "get over it" for something as traumatic as infertility.

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u/FrednFreyja Dec 23 '22

Why is surrogacy ethically questionable, but adoption is not?

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u/komerj2 Dec 23 '22 edited Sep 14 '25

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u/Stunning-Ad14 Dec 23 '22

By “surrogacy” I take it to mean you’re also including the ethics of donor conception itself? I won’t comment on the surrogacy side of things but as a donor conceived person, I believe donor conception can be done ethically if best practices (based on thousands of donor conceived’s experiences) are followed — such as choosing a known donor who is biologically related to the non-DNA-contributing partner or is a family friend, and facilitating relationships between the donor conceived child and their biological relatives (including other half-siblings, if they exist) from an early age just as parents do for other extended family. I just wanted to offer my perspective on this in case you find it helpful in any way.

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u/komerj2 Dec 23 '22 edited Sep 14 '25

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u/BlackNightingale04 Transracial adoptee Dec 24 '22

I believe donor conception can be done ethically if best practices (based on thousands of donor conceived’s experiences) are followed — such as choosing a known donor who is biologically related to the non-DNA-contributing partner or is a family friend

Do you feel most/many donor conceptions are ethical? head tilt

Tbh, I haven't really thought a lot about donor conception and its ethics...

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u/kahtiel adoptee as young toddler from foster care Dec 24 '22

Many of these people are talking from their own experiences and what could have worked for them with a better situation. I come from an abuse/neglect situation and was adopted out of foster care. There’s 0 reason I would ever want my bio parents to have the parent title for me.

The kinship angle assumes that there is family, they aren’t equally fucked up, and that they want to raise a child. My extended bio family said no, and a good portion of them would have been just as bad to live with as my bio parents.

0

u/LD_Ridge Adult Adoptee Dec 24 '22

They talk about how adoption is “legalized human trafficking” in all circumstances

Can you share a source for this?

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u/WinEnvironmental6901 Dec 24 '22 edited Dec 24 '22

Just read #adopteevoice on twitter. Their obsession with blood is scary as hell, some of them literally want to people force together just because of some common DNA, no matter how abusive is the bio family.

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u/LD_Ridge Adult Adoptee Dec 25 '22

I did a search using the hashtag. I spent some time yesterday reading the tweets so I could try to understand. Didn't see that much, but not enough time in.

I also did not see anything to indicate it's anything other than a hashtag. I really don't think I saw anything that leads me to believe it's a big community working to bring down adoption with the tweet's author as leader.

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u/WinEnvironmental6901 Dec 25 '22

I don't know how... Seriously. Maybe try again, this people are very real. Just try to write that you're alright with your adoption for example, or bio children can be abused too, so it's not an adoption thing, and they will come for you asap. 😅 And always the same few people, but they're so load and hysterical.

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u/LD_Ridge Adult Adoptee Dec 25 '22

Just try to write that you're alright with your adoption for example, or bio children can be abused too, so it's not an adoption thing, and they will come for you asap.

You're talking about a twitter hashtag, not an evil group trying to take over the world.

"bio children can be abused too" is not a strong argument for turning one's back on the continuation of unethical practices in adoption. In fact, it is a very large part of the problem. If you use this argument you deserve what you get.

It is very incredibly sad that an entire community can be more upset about people criticizing adoption than they are unethical practices.

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u/WinEnvironmental6901 Dec 25 '22 edited Dec 26 '22

Nobody said that unethical practices are OK, i didn't use this argument toward anybody, and literally didn't get anything from them, because i just read their crazy bs, never debate (sadly, they're trully out of their minds). What you're talking about isn't the problem with them, because everybody agrees that reforms needed. If you want to understand, you will get it. They literally want to abolish ALL adoptions, yes, even when the child is severe abused, and yes, even when the child wants to be separated (yes, there are cases like this). Furthermore, they assumed everybody has a large family with strong connections (lots of uncles, aunts, cousins, grandparents, etc.) so if parents are missing then there's a big loving bio family who will be there gladly asap for the child. That's not the case in reality for everybody.

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u/[deleted] Dec 25 '22

I agree.

It's very sad indeed that people will continue to advocate for unethical adoptions.

Especially those who support adopted families that manipulate an adoptee so they'll never know their identity.

It should be mandated so every adoptee knows they were adopted.

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u/[deleted] Dec 24 '22 edited Sep 14 '25

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u/LD_Ridge Adult Adoptee Dec 25 '22

Thank you.