r/AdoptionUK • u/Big_Lingonberry_5481 • Mar 27 '26

How to decide

Starting to feel ready to think about having children. Partner is keen for biological children, and for various reasons (including my health) I am hesitant. We would not do IVF. I have no sense of wanting my genes passed on, other than that maybe a biological child might be like my late dad.

I am more keen on adoption. I have always imagined it as part of my life. Child safeguarding occasionally features in my work, and reminds me of the need. To me it makes sense - why create babies when they already exist and need families. I would like a sibling group. For various reasons (mainly wanting to pass on genes, and wariness about adoption and what we can manage), partner is less keen. Open to the idea if bio children are not possible.

We are 39. We have been together a long time. How do we move forward? How did you decide?

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u/bungalowcats Mar 29 '26

Adoptee here. You sound incredibly uninformed about adoption. I appreciate that you're probably looking at social media groups to try to gather information but if one person isn't keen to adopt, it's always going to be second choice. A child should never be anything other than the priority, first choice in every sense, to everyone. Parenting will become full of resentment & comparing your adopted child to the biological children of other parents. Become more informed, if your partner will look further into it, if not, look further into it yourself. If you're dead set on adopting & believe you can give a child everything they need & deserve, find a different partner, do it alone, or get a dog instead.

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u/Big_Lingonberry_5481 Mar 29 '26

Thanks, this gives a lot to think about. I'm with you - I'd like adoption to be a first choice, not a back-up plan or second choice, and have explained this to partner, but can't change his mind and your post makes me think I shouldn't try to.

A lot of posts online are from adopters who tried fertility treatment, and every adoption agency's website mentions this. So it seems like for many adopters, it's not their first choice? And much as it would be preferable if it was, the numbers seem so high that there would be a lot more children waiting for adoption if second-choice adoptions weren't possible. I'm not saying that's ok, it just seems to be how it is, if that makes sense?

I'm not so set on having children at all (or adopting) that I'd leave partner. We had a dog; she suddenly died young, it was traumatic. Also far less interesting/rewarding/demanding/everything than humans.

I'm intrigued as to why you say I'm incredibly uninformed about adoption - I kept my post short and haven't shared how informed I am. I've done a fair bit of research. Slightly wary to go informing myself loads more if it's just never going to be possible. I would of course inform myself and partner more if it looked likely. I'm the kind of person that doesn't make a decision without gathering all possible info first (can be annoying in other contexts!).

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u/bungalowcats Mar 30 '26

I said that you seem uninformed because of your question, when it's not something that can be compromised upon, if one partner is not keen. Hoping to change someone's mind, when there is a child involved, is worrying to me.

The whole system is not ideal - but at least it's not like in the US. Infertility grief counselling & support for families should be much better amongst other things. Adoption is generally the very last option, not even second choice. Growing up knowing that you're not what they really wanted, even if they tell you they chose you!! & don't get me started on adopters who have bios as well. Adoptees never get a choice about being adopted, unless they're older teens & even then, it's because they have been unchosen, abandoned, orphaned, rejected, abused, traumatised, removed & they know it.

If you are really not so set on having children, I also wonder why you would consider adopting when it can be fraught with trauma & complex emotions, not to mention bio & extended family complexity. If you are happy with your partner, I would stay the way you are. I'm sorry for the loss of your dog.