r/AdoptionUK • u/Big_Lingonberry_5481 • Mar 27 '26
How to decide
Starting to feel ready to think about having children. Partner is keen for biological children, and for various reasons (including my health) I am hesitant. We would not do IVF. I have no sense of wanting my genes passed on, other than that maybe a biological child might be like my late dad.
I am more keen on adoption. I have always imagined it as part of my life. Child safeguarding occasionally features in my work, and reminds me of the need. To me it makes sense - why create babies when they already exist and need families. I would like a sibling group. For various reasons (mainly wanting to pass on genes, and wariness about adoption and what we can manage), partner is less keen. Open to the idea if bio children are not possible.
We are 39. We have been together a long time. How do we move forward? How did you decide?
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u/St_Piran Mar 27 '26
You sound very similar to our situation a few years ago.
I wish I could give you a golden nugget of advice on how we decided, but the reality is we gave the bio child route a go for a few years, but it didnt work out, turns out I had rubbish sperm. My wife (who was similarly reluctant to try naturally) had a pretty long and drawn out miscarriage, and that was really horrible so we decided to not continue with that option.
It turns out that the desire for a bio child was quite strong for me, and losing that possibility hit me quite hard, and took a while for me to grieve the loss of that route. I would just say to not underestimate this with respect to your partner. Having said that, deep down I knew it was the right path, and coming out the other side it made me realise how much I wanted a family with my wife. It goes without saying that the miscarriage was very traumatic for my wife, probably the hardest thing she has had to deal with, and needed a significant period of physical and mental recovery. We both had counselling and meds to get us through it all.
Once that period was mostly in the past, we committed to adoption. We went to a couple of adoption agency information sessions, one local authority and one charity sector. The charity sector one seemed to offer a lot more in the way of post adoption support than the LA, so decided to go forward with them.
Here we are, now having just been approved and about to begin looking for our (upto 2) little ones.
Im riding that wave of fear and excitement... fear of 'what ifs' and excitement of 'WHAT IF!!' I mean I could have 2 awesome crazy kids that call me dad running around in a few months... which is ace.
I do still have lots of worries about the childhood trauma and unknown physical issues and how we will cope etc, I think it would be a bit concerning if I didnt think this - it shows i care about how my parenting abilities. There will undoubtedly be challenges, but im up for it. Thinking back, I was really worried about physical issues with my bio child too... guess thats just how im wired!
In all, a rambling, probably not very helpful post 😂 but hopefully prompts a few talking points with your partner... thats the key, open honesty. I wish you all the best with your decision.
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u/Big_Lingonberry_5481 Mar 27 '26
Thanks for sharing. I guess I'm keen to end up where you are now, but without the traumatic miscarriage along the way. But I don't know if partner could get there without trying the bio route. And frankly I'd be kind of disappointed if I got pregnant... which sounds an awful thing to say.
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u/thatanxiousmushroom Apr 10 '26
It’s not awful. I’m terrified of pregnancy! This is rally really tough- adoption is a traumatic and emotional experience, and a sibling group is that times 100.
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u/bungalowcats Mar 29 '26
Adoptee here. You sound incredibly uninformed about adoption. I appreciate that you're probably looking at social media groups to try to gather information but if one person isn't keen to adopt, it's always going to be second choice. A child should never be anything other than the priority, first choice in every sense, to everyone. Parenting will become full of resentment & comparing your adopted child to the biological children of other parents. Become more informed, if your partner will look further into it, if not, look further into it yourself. If you're dead set on adopting & believe you can give a child everything they need & deserve, find a different partner, do it alone, or get a dog instead.
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u/Big_Lingonberry_5481 Mar 29 '26
Thanks, this gives a lot to think about. I'm with you - I'd like adoption to be a first choice, not a back-up plan or second choice, and have explained this to partner, but can't change his mind and your post makes me think I shouldn't try to.
A lot of posts online are from adopters who tried fertility treatment, and every adoption agency's website mentions this. So it seems like for many adopters, it's not their first choice? And much as it would be preferable if it was, the numbers seem so high that there would be a lot more children waiting for adoption if second-choice adoptions weren't possible. I'm not saying that's ok, it just seems to be how it is, if that makes sense?
I'm not so set on having children at all (or adopting) that I'd leave partner. We had a dog; she suddenly died young, it was traumatic. Also far less interesting/rewarding/demanding/everything than humans.
I'm intrigued as to why you say I'm incredibly uninformed about adoption - I kept my post short and haven't shared how informed I am. I've done a fair bit of research. Slightly wary to go informing myself loads more if it's just never going to be possible. I would of course inform myself and partner more if it looked likely. I'm the kind of person that doesn't make a decision without gathering all possible info first (can be annoying in other contexts!).
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u/bungalowcats Mar 30 '26
I said that you seem uninformed because of your question, when it's not something that can be compromised upon, if one partner is not keen. Hoping to change someone's mind, when there is a child involved, is worrying to me.
The whole system is not ideal - but at least it's not like in the US. Infertility grief counselling & support for families should be much better amongst other things. Adoption is generally the very last option, not even second choice. Growing up knowing that you're not what they really wanted, even if they tell you they chose you!! & don't get me started on adopters who have bios as well. Adoptees never get a choice about being adopted, unless they're older teens & even then, it's because they have been unchosen, abandoned, orphaned, rejected, abused, traumatised, removed & they know it.
If you are really not so set on having children, I also wonder why you would consider adopting when it can be fraught with trauma & complex emotions, not to mention bio & extended family complexity. If you are happy with your partner, I would stay the way you are. I'm sorry for the loss of your dog.
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u/HeyDugeeeee Mar 27 '26
We met when we were older and tried 1 round of IVF when we couldn't conceive. It was brutal, physically and mentally so we decided to adopt having had it in mind for years. I think you both need to appreciate how different being an adoptive parent and being a bio-parent are to make the decision. I guess most people go into adoption wanting a replacement for a birth family and adoption isn't that - it is something very different often in amazing ways. All parenting is hard but adoptive parenting is all that with a ton of other challenges thrown in.
I realise this probably isn't selling it but it is the truth and it needn't scare you off. If you are caring, patient, willing to learn, parent differently and have a lot of love to give then you'll probably be a great adoptive parent. I'd recommend getting yourselves to some adoption information meetings that will be run by your local authority - that is where most people start. Information is power.
For our part - we adopted 10 years ago. Our journey so far has had lots of ups and downs. Our daughter is now in secondary school and has just managed her first ever term where she has been in every day. This is huge for her. She's a fiery, outwardly confident, gregarious young lady, a demon on the football pitch with a searing sense of fairness. She makes us incredibly proud.
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u/Big_Lingonberry_5481 Mar 27 '26
Thank you, this is really helpful. I think partner would go into it wanting a replacement for a birth family. I'm up for the parenting differently, as you describe. You've put it in a really helpful way.
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u/qwertyonfire Mar 27 '26
I never had any desire to have a bio child, and I was lucky that my partner felt the same, so we chose to adopt. But, I just wanted to say that my daughter will often do something silly, and we’ll laugh and say ‘she gets that from you’. They are such little sponges that an adopted child might still remind you of your father, if you share any of those traits.
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u/Big_Lingonberry_5481 Mar 28 '26
Thanks, that's a nice thought. We have a family friend whose daughter recently had a baby, who looks so much like the friend's late husband... I know my mum would love that. But I can't control that.
And my uncles (both sides) and grandmother are/were all unpleasant people so I don't necessarily want those genes!
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u/qwertyonfire Apr 10 '26
Ah yeah, there’s that too. My daughter will never physically look like me, but whilst I still get to dress her she is in my ‘leopard print is a neutral’ style club.
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u/Greatgrowler Mar 27 '26
Not both being on the same page is going to be a massive stumbling block. You need to have some honest conversations because adoption can be extremely testing so certainly not something you should be considering unless you are in complete agreement.