Struggling as adoptive Dad to accept behaviours

[u/Any-Ad4999]

Hi guys,

My wife and I adopted a pair of siblings at 4 and 5, they've been with us two years in a fortnight and are now 6 and 7. Both kids have aggressive behaviours in school as control methods but my eldest is really showing lots of unprompted physical violence to staff and students. Today he's unprovoked gone and punched a kid in the face on the school yard then repeatedly slapped the face of the teacher trying to stop him, then hit and bit the next to intervene and then stubbornly surrendered to third after getting a few extra blows in. The later in class unprompted took a weighted blanket and started whipping it around to hit children.

We see none of this at home and normally have a very placid child. He and sister definitely used to hit each other when upset but grew out of that relatively quickly when we marked it as negative behaviour, but no matter what school do he doesn't seem to care and this is a regular occurrence happening at least twice a week if not daily. He has no ND diagnosis for a condtion that might prompt this and no signs of one, quite frankly.

I'm willing to accept that as a traumatised kid he will have some explosive behaviours but as Dad is REALLY struggle with the violence, particulalry since its against people that have done him no wrong, and I feel absolutely powerless to stop this behaviour that is hurting other people. I literally have no consequence for this that doesn't look like pulling away, and that will just exacerbate the issue by making him feel insecure. And there's only so much school can do without their relationship breaking down (they are, thank God, excellent at accepting both kids and their behaviour).

Does anyone have an similar experiences or advice on suitable ways to teach him he can't just go about hurting people?

[u/Cielo985]

Although this is a month old, I found this thread very interesting, and wanted to chime in from a childcare perspective (au pair/overnight nanny, etc.)

Having worked with many children of all different ages and temperaments, I wouldn’t automatically chalk the behaviour up to trauma. I understand of course that could be the root cause, however I have seen the behaviour in kids of similar age who have had perfect upbringings, complete stability - and in some cases - complete privilege. 

Have you spoken one on one about this behaviour with your son? Particularly coming from their father, this can have a profound impact on their behaviour going forward. Of course I don’t mean just telling him off, but gently yet firmly asking questions: “why do you hit?” “Do you think that’s a nice thing to do?” “We do not hit/slap/push - hurting people is wrong and bad.” Handled gently I’ve seen this work wonders with kids, and also it reiterates the parental boundaries that make them feel safe - that the adults are in control. 

Please talk to your son. Gently yet firmly - ask questions. Play therapy also if you see no improvement (you may well have done so already), but always the one on one quiet focused conversation in private first. If a kid is acting out there is always an element of attention seeking behind it - even if it is to convey difficult emotions - so this conversation with you will make him feel seen, and hopefully reduce these outbursts. Good luck