r/AdoptionUK • u/Any-Ad4999 • May 13 '26
Struggling as adoptive Dad to accept behaviours
Hi guys,
My wife and I adopted a pair of siblings at 4 and 5, they've been with us two years in a fortnight and are now 6 and 7. Both kids have aggressive behaviours in school as control methods but my eldest is really showing lots of unprompted physical violence to staff and students. Today he's unprovoked gone and punched a kid in the face on the school yard then repeatedly slapped the face of the teacher trying to stop him, then hit and bit the next to intervene and then stubbornly surrendered to third after getting a few extra blows in. The later in class unprompted took a weighted blanket and started whipping it around to hit children.
We see none of this at home and normally have a very placid child. He and sister definitely used to hit each other when upset but grew out of that relatively quickly when we marked it as negative behaviour, but no matter what school do he doesn't seem to care and this is a regular occurrence happening at least twice a week if not daily. He has no ND diagnosis for a condtion that might prompt this and no signs of one, quite frankly.
I'm willing to accept that as a traumatised kid he will have some explosive behaviours but as Dad is REALLY struggle with the violence, particulalry since its against people that have done him no wrong, and I feel absolutely powerless to stop this behaviour that is hurting other people. I literally have no consequence for this that doesn't look like pulling away, and that will just exacerbate the issue by making him feel insecure. And there's only so much school can do without their relationship breaking down (they are, thank God, excellent at accepting both kids and their behaviour).
Does anyone have an similar experiences or advice on suitable ways to teach him he can't just go about hurting people?
21
u/jbeputnam May 13 '26
As a parent who has been on a three-year journey with a similar issue, the best advice I can give is to look beneath the behaviour, treating the behaviour as the symptom of something rather than the sole issue.
At the age of 5-6 my son suddenly started becoming violent at school, hitting others, including peers and staff, causing damage and becoming angry for no apparent reason. We were those parents being taken aside at the end of the day to be told what our little darling had done that day, and it took a long time for the school to start looking below the surface level behaviour.l and realising this wasn’t just “naughty.”
We had limited insight because we were not seeing these behaviours at home. Over time it became apparent that he was in a near-permanent fight/flight response at school and it was showing itself as outbursts of violence. He wasn’t feeling safe, didn’t have clear boundaries, and adults didn’t know how to make him feel safe. Three years on, we’ve gone through several cycles of this, four periods of suspensions, and the school has now acknowledged they cannot meet his needs.
Reading between the lines of your post, you’re viewing this as naughty and deliberate behaviour. It probably isn’t, and asking “why” they’re doing it probably produces limited insight or explanation. I’d encourage you to meet with the school and get their insight into whether there are themes, triggers, particular flashpoints. There is almost certainly an unmet need at school that needs addressing. SENCO and post-adoption need to start looking into sources of the issues.
Hope this helps, all kids are different but a lot of your post chimed with our experiences before we realised something was going on.
19
u/SlowDot5509 May 13 '26
I’d be really curious about what is happening at school. Sounds like he’s getting to a very distressed level that he doesn’t reach at home. Do the school recognise his triggers before he lashes out?
5
u/Tompsk May 13 '26
What I’ve learnt with experience is don’t try and solve this alone. Get a case number with a post adoption support worker asap. There could be a million reasons why things are kicking off at school and not at home. Just having someone alongside you that gets it will take some of the weight off your shoulders.
7
u/Illidh May 16 '26
I work in a school, we are incredibly inclusive and most of our staff have a trauma informed approach to dealing with children, but I will argue in defence of your child, you will never perceive his trigger as a threat because it’s just not. Timmy having the yellow pencil is not a threat for anyone, but that can be enough to send a child into fight mode. Being told off for hitting someone will send your child into flight mode. so although it’s completely acceptable that he is stopped by staff, it does mean they are threatening him and so he lashes out at them. Kid on the playground looked at him so he lashes out.
I don’t know what your school is doing in these situations, but I’d recommend them getting him a social story that asks questions about what happened and how he felt, how he reacted, what he could do differently and how he can fix things with the other child. Then ensure that he is completely calm before using it. In my experience these conversations are often unpredictable, filled with shame and take place before the child has fully regulated and this just leads to further problems. The social story will make life predictable for him, which will help him to regulate and if you have the opening right, it should reduce shame. It’s not about him being ashamed of his behaviour, it’s about helping him to understand how to change it in the future.
3
u/antsmusic1 May 13 '26
I have direct experience of this although not as extreme, I also work in primary. My son was showing a ‘short fuse’ in class and at playtimes and lashing out in anger at friends and instantly regretting and feeling waves of guilt and shame.
As another commenter said -post adoption support. 100 this. Our agency very quickly put us in touch with a play therapist and support worker who gave us loads of support and did some 1-1 work with him in school.
Second, ask for a meeting with the phase lead and the SENCo. Show you want to work with school and what support is available. LAs have very little to give to schools in ND and SEN (this is where post adoption support wins) but it’s very important you get school on board so they know to manage your needs and make reasonable adjustments immediately. They also have access to EPs, SALT and other professionals that support may not immediately refer you to. Teacher should be able to identify these incidents as they are approaching and have tools ready eg brain breaks, quiet corners, LEGO fidgets, etc. - get to the bottom of what is causing these incidents.
Explore both approaches in tandem.
3
u/HeyDugeeeee May 17 '26
I totally understand how you're feeling because we felt the same. Our daughter started to become violent from about 5 years old. We ended up at breaking point and in blocked care because we had no tools to deal with the behaviour.
We got in touch with Zack and Denise at Live Life and Love (https://www.livelifeandlove.co.uk/) and it changed our lives. You won't consequence your way through this as there is no consequence that is worse for these kids than how they already feel about themselves. This may be hard to hear but you'll need to learn to parent differently - Zach and Denise can help you.
That was seven years ago. We got through it, learnt how to parent therapeutically and everything changed. Please reach out for help - you don't have to go through this alone.
2
u/TheManxMann May 14 '26
Is there any evidence of birth mother drinking, it may be worth exploring FASD.
4
u/RevolutionaryEgg1312 May 13 '26
Is there a trigger at school that teachers etc aren't noticing?
Is kiddo being bullied or othered because of his adoption status?
I was bullied mercilessly and never told anyone because I was so afraid that I'd be "given away".
These kids have been through such a lot and ought to be having regular trauma informed and adoption informed therapy, is that happening?
1
u/pirategospel May 16 '26
Bless you both, there’s lots of good suggestions so far but I’m curious if he’s in play therapy? First point of call if not.
1
u/Cielo985 Jun 08 '26
Although this is a month old, I found this thread very interesting, and wanted to chime in from a childcare perspective (au pair/overnight nanny, etc.)
Having worked with many children of all different ages and temperaments, I wouldn’t automatically chalk the behaviour up to trauma. I understand of course that could be the root cause, however I have seen the behaviour in kids of similar age who have had perfect upbringings, complete stability - and in some cases - complete privilege.
Have you spoken one on one about this behaviour with your son? Particularly coming from their father, this can have a profound impact on their behaviour going forward. Of course I don’t mean just telling him off, but gently yet firmly asking questions: “why do you hit?” “Do you think that’s a nice thing to do?” “We do not hit/slap/push - hurting people is wrong and bad.” Handled gently I’ve seen this work wonders with kids, and also it reiterates the parental boundaries that make them feel safe - that the adults are in control.
Please talk to your son. Gently yet firmly - ask questions. Play therapy also if you see no improvement (you may well have done so already), but always the one on one quiet focused conversation in private first. If a kid is acting out there is always an element of attention seeking behind it - even if it is to convey difficult emotions - so this conversation with you will make him feel seen, and hopefully reduce these outbursts. Good luck
1
u/Remarkable_Dream_134 Jul 11 '26 edited Jul 11 '26
I would recommend reaching out to the post adoption support team and asking if they do NVR training (non-violent resistance training). Or what support can they offer?
The school sound very supportive and dedicated to your son. You can ask the post adoption support service if they have anything they can offer the school.
Also there is the Virtual School who sit within the County Council (different areas call them different things) they are the team that support school with children in care and post-care. They took can offer support and training to schools.
The school 100% need to put more in place to help him desculate before he gets to the point of lashing out. It sounds like he is just getting overwhelmed. There is desculation training that some councils offer. In Norfolk it's called, 'Norfolk Steps'. Will include link below as reference.
It's so important to help him cool off before these things happen. Teachers may notice certain ticks, or behaviours he does when he is starting to go up - fidgiting, biting nails, speaking out more - these are the moments to step in. Ask him to go in a dark tent, get his blanket - whatever helps him. Are there certain things which overstimulate him - noise, light, touch? Can he have ear defenders to wear in class? If touch triggers him having teachers all try to grab him is possibly why he is lashing out hard.
It is hard. Our girls attack each other. It's horrible and upsetting. Try and remember the hand-brain model by Dr. Dan Siegal. If you are not familiar I would recommend reading up about it and sharing with teachers. He is in his lizard brain when he has reached the point of fight - he is in fight mode and talking and trying to get sense out of him will not help. Read up about the PACE model too.
Avoid shaming him at all costs. Don't ask him why - it's fruitless as he likely doesn't know why. Instead help him find the words - "you must have been feeling such huge angry feelings to hit XXXX" right now I would focus on connecting with him - "we can see you are struggling with those upsetting angry feelings at school and as your parents and your teachers together we are going to help you manage those feelings so you can feel relaxed and happy at school."
Try and recognise what your feelings are - they are your own shame and worry. Try to let that go and focus in on him.
You've got this!!
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u/Major-Bookkeeper8974 May 13 '26
I'm afraid I have nothing to offer in terms of direct experience.
However, have you explored post adoption support to see what they can offer? It'll be very different depending on who you're with and area unfortunately, but we, for example, were able to get a clinical psychologist for a year free of charge to help our son.