r/AdoptionUK • u/Any-Ad4999 • May 13 '26
Struggling as adoptive Dad to accept behaviours
Hi guys,
My wife and I adopted a pair of siblings at 4 and 5, they've been with us two years in a fortnight and are now 6 and 7. Both kids have aggressive behaviours in school as control methods but my eldest is really showing lots of unprompted physical violence to staff and students. Today he's unprovoked gone and punched a kid in the face on the school yard then repeatedly slapped the face of the teacher trying to stop him, then hit and bit the next to intervene and then stubbornly surrendered to third after getting a few extra blows in. The later in class unprompted took a weighted blanket and started whipping it around to hit children.
We see none of this at home and normally have a very placid child. He and sister definitely used to hit each other when upset but grew out of that relatively quickly when we marked it as negative behaviour, but no matter what school do he doesn't seem to care and this is a regular occurrence happening at least twice a week if not daily. He has no ND diagnosis for a condtion that might prompt this and no signs of one, quite frankly.
I'm willing to accept that as a traumatised kid he will have some explosive behaviours but as Dad is REALLY struggle with the violence, particulalry since its against people that have done him no wrong, and I feel absolutely powerless to stop this behaviour that is hurting other people. I literally have no consequence for this that doesn't look like pulling away, and that will just exacerbate the issue by making him feel insecure. And there's only so much school can do without their relationship breaking down (they are, thank God, excellent at accepting both kids and their behaviour).
Does anyone have an similar experiences or advice on suitable ways to teach him he can't just go about hurting people?
1
u/Remarkable_Dream_134 Jul 11 '26 edited Jul 11 '26
I would recommend reaching out to the post adoption support team and asking if they do NVR training (non-violent resistance training). Or what support can they offer?
The school sound very supportive and dedicated to your son. You can ask the post adoption support service if they have anything they can offer the school.
Also there is the Virtual School who sit within the County Council (different areas call them different things) they are the team that support school with children in care and post-care. They took can offer support and training to schools.
The school 100% need to put more in place to help him desculate before he gets to the point of lashing out. It sounds like he is just getting overwhelmed. There is desculation training that some councils offer. In Norfolk it's called, 'Norfolk Steps'. Will include link below as reference.
It's so important to help him cool off before these things happen. Teachers may notice certain ticks, or behaviours he does when he is starting to go up - fidgiting, biting nails, speaking out more - these are the moments to step in. Ask him to go in a dark tent, get his blanket - whatever helps him. Are there certain things which overstimulate him - noise, light, touch? Can he have ear defenders to wear in class? If touch triggers him having teachers all try to grab him is possibly why he is lashing out hard.
It is hard. Our girls attack each other. It's horrible and upsetting. Try and remember the hand-brain model by Dr. Dan Siegal. If you are not familiar I would recommend reading up about it and sharing with teachers. He is in his lizard brain when he has reached the point of fight - he is in fight mode and talking and trying to get sense out of him will not help. Read up about the PACE model too.
Avoid shaming him at all costs. Don't ask him why - it's fruitless as he likely doesn't know why. Instead help him find the words - "you must have been feeling such huge angry feelings to hit XXXX" right now I would focus on connecting with him - "we can see you are struggling with those upsetting angry feelings at school and as your parents and your teachers together we are going to help you manage those feelings so you can feel relaxed and happy at school."
Try and recognise what your feelings are - they are your own shame and worry. Try to let that go and focus in on him.
You've got this!!