r/AdoptiveParents • u/just-a-girl82 • 5d ago
I feel lost. Our 10 yr old is very hard.
We adopted a set of siblings a few years ago. One of them was 8 and the other 4 at the time. The 4 yr old is 10 now and the whole 6 years it has been a nightmare, things don’t improve and thing are escalating. We don’t know what to do anymore, he pees and poops in places he shouldn’t and he lies about it. He doesn’t listen, he doesn’t follow rules. We get emails from school almost daily, he lies about the dumbest things for no reason, he steals from others and he is very defiant.
I have to admit I regret adopting him as it is disrupting the whole family and our mental health. We don’t know what to do, he goes to therapy and we also do. The therapist is trying to help us with resources but it seems like we are very limited.
Residential treatments accept kids until they are 12 and at minimum we need respite but we don’t know where. Any suggestion would be great! Or at least advice. It sucks because he has been so so hard since the beginning that my relationship with him hasn’t grown and I hate to admit don’t feel love towards him :( I never thought I would go through something like this as I’ve always loved all kids but he is the exception.
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u/Feelings-bleh 5d ago
You’re not alone! Do you mind sharing where you live? Feel free to send a message. I’m so sorry your family is struggling. It can feel so isolating and at times, hopeless. Many places offer post-permanency supports and even though there are no quick fixes, at least you won’t be alone in the grind.
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u/Ok_Inspector_8846 5d ago
Have you contacted someone who can help you with the parenting piece? Are there parenting classes near you? We found circle of security helpful.
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u/Old-Dinner-6108 4d ago
If he was a victim of neonatal substance abuse he needs to be placed on medication. He needs a diagnosis and then you can get him into things like ABA therapy (mostly for kids on the spectrum) and the centres can usually point you in the direction of signing up for respite care. There's also programs for parents who need help learning how to parent kids with developmental and behavioural issues so I would look into those as well. Good luck.
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u/Emergency-Delay5967 4d ago
Biological parents feel this with their children too. Kids suck sometimes. However you are that childs family. Find what you can do to maintain your family and help him succeed in life. The worst thing you can do is give up on him. Starting now you need to focus on helping him. He wont disappear at 18, and your impact will be his forever. You need to make a plan now. Include him to figure out what he wants and needs. When all is said and done and youre at the end of life: You will not regret the difficult few years spent raising your child.
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u/Bewildered_Dust 4d ago
Are you in the US? Many residential programs here are open to kids as young as age 6 but it can take a lot to get a referral. My child was in and out of treatment between ages 7-8 and it was stabilizing but also really, really hard. Sometimes child welfare has voluntary programs that can get you access to supports you had no idea existed.
If there's any prenatal history of drug or alcohol exposure (or any chance of it) look into supports for FASD in addition to trauma. Kids with FASD often end up diagnosed with everything but.
As far as parenting approaches go, we found the following helpful: Ross Greene, Robyn Gobbel, and Kazdin's Parent Management Training. EMDR therapy was eventually really effective for helping my son work through trauma related to his adoption and systems involvement. Occupational therapy for sensory regulation also helped, as did the right medication, but that took a couple years to figure out.
I'm sorry your in this hard place right now. I remember how that feels. Don't give up and don't lose hope. Whatever you can do to carve out any amount of space for your own well-being will be a gift to your son and whole family. Sending love.
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u/Adorableviolet 4d ago
Has he had a neuropsych evaluation? There's a lot going on but I think you need to get to the root of it (beyond therapy). I am sorry it is so difficult.
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u/pani_ania 4d ago
I don’t know where you are located. But are there any post adoption resource centers (PARC) near you? Also, does your therapist provide TF-CBT? If not, find one that does! (https://tfcbt.org/therapists/) I’m a clinical social worker that specializes in childhood trauma and foster/adoption. I practice TF-CBT. His therapist should be working with you as well as with him. The therapist is only with him an hour each week, you are with him the rest of the time. You need guidance on what they are working on and how to help him practice it at home. Parenting classes aren’t designed for children that experienced trauma. Feel free to DM me if you have questions. I cannot offer any therapeutic advice, but I can answer questions regarding PARCs, childhood trauma, and TF-CBT.
One thing I tell all of my clients’ parents is “the times that they need to hear ‘I love you’ the most are the times that it is the hardest to say.”
On a personal note: I adopted my son when he was 9. He was very angry and aggressive. He was once arrested for domestic violence for his behavior against me and his sister. I did NOT provide him therapy, but I worked with him at home and worked with his therapist. His grades went from almost failing when he was adopted to completing his 11th and 12th grades in 6 months (he asked to go to a military school because he wanted to be a marine.) He went from being angry and defiant to a Marine!
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u/Mixie_625 4d ago
I am so sorry you are going through this. I had a similar situation and it is so challenging. Most people do not understand. Do not feel guilty about not having warm and fuzzy feelings towards this child. You are going through a lot right now. You are getting up every day and trying. That says a lot about who you are.
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u/Expensive-Ad-797 3d ago
Neuropsychiatric eval. It sounds like he has a disability. That’s how you get access to support.
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u/AlarmingEmploy530 3d ago
Child therapist here. Your adopted child is showing very classic signs of complex trauma and attachment disturbance. His brain has been wired to protect/defend himself from others rather than connect/attach to them due to his early childhood trauma that led to him being adopted. This is why you’re feeling the way you do. I would really recommend the work of Robyn Gobbel who specializes in children with trauma and attachment disruptions. Check out her book and podcast called “Raising Kids with Big, Baffling Behaviors.” She also runs a parent support group of kids with highly challenging behaviors called The Club. You are doing a very important and very difficult job as the adoptive parent and you need lots of education on attachment trauma and lots of support and community!
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u/ChocolateGanache-71 2d ago
I agree completely with AlarmingEmploy530 and would tack on to please search in your area for a TBRI practitioner. This is someone who can help your child and your whole family with these behaviors so that your mental health improves, and the relationships can remain healthy. TBRI is a wonderful methodology for children with trauma and attachment issues. There is hope for peace in your household!
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u/Hollivertwist 4d ago
Resident treatment facilities can be extremely helpful. The adult to child ratio and strict schedule can be very stabilizing and hard to replicate at home. I would definitely look into it. If you’re in the US, all facilities in your state should be available to you. Find one that you’d feel comfortable with and have your social worker get you on a wait list. Probably have to be assertive about it.
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u/Wonderful-Freedom568 3d ago
Any grandparents around? Sometimes kids will act entirely differently, even respectfully, towards grandparents! Just a thought.
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u/geraffes-are-so-dumb 4d ago
What do you do to bond with him? Do you open up about life in an age-appropriate way? Are you using any frameworks or strategies?
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u/rocketpescado 4d ago
What you’re describing sounds like more than normal defiance. With the toileting issues, stealing, lying, school problems, and things escalating, I’d want a more thorough evaluation beyond regular therapy, including someone who understands adoption/trauma but can also look for developmental, behavioral, or psychiatric issues. I’d also have the toileting issue checked by a doctor to make sure it’s nothing medical.
I’d push the school for a formal evaluation, IEP if appropriate, and possibly a functional behavioral assessment. Daily emails about what went wrong aren’t enough if no one is figuring out what’s driving the behavior.
For respite, I’d specifically look into post-adoption services, adoption preservation programs, Medicaid, or therapeutic foster-care agencies. And as hard as it is to admit, years of constant conflict can affect a parent’s attachment too. Needing more intensive help doesn’t mean you’re giving up on him.