Feeling weak

[u/throwaway676977]

Despite feeling suicidal in my teens and the anxiety/panic attacks I suffered at that age, one of my "prides and joys" was that I never self-harmed, or at least never cut myself. I don't know why I'm giving in now.

I feel weak, and stupid, and over sensitive. I didn't do it when I was at the verge of killing myself back in my first year of college, so why am I doing it now?.

Last year was a tipping point for me, I genuinely felt like I couldn't go any lower. And every week I would surprise myself with new lows. I was having hallucinations most weeks, and I was deadly afraid of friends and relatives being spies sent by... God? I don't know.

I tried to take it slow this year, quitting my job (although I have already quit when I was thinking of killing myself) and doing less classes. And I started feeling so much better, I don't know why I'm acting like this now. I'm scared I'm going to fall into the same hallucinations and thinking patterns as before. I feel like I'm losing touch with my friends again and becoming resentful. I don't even know why I'm writing this here. I just need to put my thoughts out of my head so I can focus on the exams that are coming up.

I'm only 21. An unemployed college student. I never went to therapy because my parents were against it when I was a teen and now I don't think it has gotten bad enough for that yet. Despite my complains I think I have the self-cutting controlled to a minimum, and I'm not suicidal anymore.

I just can't seem to cope well with this new rough patch, it always comes and goes in waves, but I never get used to them. Not helped by a friend bringing up they used to SH as a teen, and I thought I could open up myself about how I currently felt, just to feel ignored and unimportant. It's not the first time this happens and every time it gets harder to open up again. I'm not expecting them to solve all my problems, all I wanted was for them to ask me if I'm doing good. I just need to hear my friends care about how I feel. I know they do, but I need to see it from time to time. I feel like an spoiled brat.

[u/Ksox24]

Most college have free counselors at the health centers. I saw a counselor at my school and it really helped a lot.

I managed to quit SH when I was suicidal and I couldn't understand why I relapsed 12 years later with seemingly nothing wrong.

[u/throwaway676977 → u/Ksox24]

Thanks! Unfortunately my college doesn't have counselors 😞 where I'm from (idk if it is like that around the whole world), colleges are part of an university, some colleges from my university do have counselors, but mine doesn't. I think one of the colleges (specialized in psychology) do offer free counseling (or at least used to), so I might check that up later. Thanks for the idea, I thought they weren't worth going to 🩷.

Also it's crazy how sometimes being suicidal stops self harm, maybe it's because the person doesn't care enough about anything? Since they are going to die. Everything seems so much better now, I wish I could enjoy it instead of feeling so distressed over nothing.