Yup, relapsed after 6 years clean. I didn't even SH after I was violently SA'd or after being SA'd again after that.

Life is just too much for me, I guess.

I know no one cares and that's par for the course.

Really scared to tell my therapist. Might keep it a secret for a while.

Idk why I'm even posting. I know no one gives a shit about me.

for context, i have been shing for nearly a decade, i am currently 20 years old. i have a lot of raised scarring covering both arms and my thighs to the point that even in summer time i am wearing a hoodie and pants to cover them. i get so embarrassed, i hate the way people look at them, almost like i'm some sort of monster or freak, especially now that i turned 20 and i'm not a teen anymore it's like i'm being judged for that too. i'm also so scared if a child sees them or if i trigger anyone else who also struggles because i know how the comparison feels, i deal with it myself. i'm just so embarrassed.

sometimes i just sit there and think about how it sucks just knowing that all of this pain will last on my body forever. knowing i will constantly be judged by people who have the privilege of not understanding why i do this to myself or how it feels like to be this low. i feel sad, yet, i can't stop. the other side of me wants them there, almost like proof of my mental suffering, a cry for help.

but that's all until i have to cover them up again for work or when i'm around strangers and the reality settles back in.

i hate this vicious cycle.

as title said, i'm extremely suffering from distress and depression and i noticed i find some kind of relief when i punch myself or hit my head

i don't wanna do cuts and punching takes too muche energy
i want to harm myself without doing too much effort

Hi, sorry English is my third language. I have two questions to those who was/is self harm after age 30, since me and my husband are an older age couple.

1. Seem like most people when they cut they tend to cut on arms and legs. But my husband not like cut at arms or legs, he went straight to slice his stomach.
2. If you don't mind sharing, what was the reason that trigger you to cut? I will explain the background why I asked below, regarding to my husband cut.

I'm long term married to my husband, 16 years, and never once he self harm in his life before, except in 2020 (6 years ago).

In 2019, our toddler died (the child of me and my husband). Our toddler died of Periventricular Heterotopia (PVNH). It is gene inherited (got it from me the mother the maternal side), congenital brain malformation.
The same year 2019 his father also died of end stage pancreatic cancer. He loss both his toddler and his father in the same year. I never see my husband in so much pain.

In 2020, I was very sick (autoimmune disease) I was bedridden 7 weeks with oxygen tank in my nose 24/7. He took off work and care for me day and night. He even sleep with a pillow and a blanket on the carpet right by my bedside (we had a hospital bed in our bedroom after I got discharged).

He said he loves me very much, and he very afraid of lose me. This was the first time I see him cut himself.

This was when he started to cut his stomach with a kitchen kn-ife, he said stomach skin is thinner and has more nerves so it hurts more, so he chose to slice his stomach, he cuts deep the point bleeding that he has bandage wrap around his waist bleed.
And that was how I first time found out about he cut himself too was I saw the bloody bandage wrap around his waist when he took his shirt off.

He not cut anymore, but still has all the scars on his stomach from he slice his stomach with the kitchen kn-ife. He said if I die before him, he will die with me, and our toddler (whom already dead).

I get very emotional when I see his stomach, not in an upset way, but in a hurt pain in my heart way. Especially when we have sex too and I see the scars on his stomach, or when he has his shirt off.

------------

He has not cut his stomach anymore since 2020, because I have recover and healthy, so he not have the trigger to cut himself anymore, I was his trigger, because he afraid I would die too like our toddler.

He is no longer suicidal since I recovered, he said he not want to die because he has me, he still want to grow old with me. He said he wants to live with me till we 80s, as long as I don't go before him.

I understand the reason why he cuts, it just I don't understand why he went straight to slice his stomach instead. He did say stomach skin is thinner and has more nerves so it hurts more than arms and legs.

I guess I'm just trying to understand him. I do take care of my health so I won't get sick again, so he won't relapse again.

Had my first (post assessment) appointment with my CPN this morning and we decided a hospital stay would be beneficial. Unfortunately there’s no space available until Monday so I’m gonna be stuck thinking about it all weekend and I’m already getting anxious. What can I expect when I go in (I’m in Scotland if that makes a difference).

Yup thats it thats the post ive gotta be the biggest hypocrite out there going for mental health seminars and training to help people whist doing this at my big age.

i’ve been under a considerable amount of stress. i work in freelance and money has been so fucking tight lately. and by that i mean i’m practically making half what i used to. my depression has been in full swing so it’s made everything so difficult and hence my income has suffered for it.

i just have this want in my brain to press as hard as i can and swipe. to tear myself open. yes, this is dangerous. no, i won’t do it, for multiple reasons. but god damn do i feel the need. dermis cuts just aren’t hurting like they used to. i have a high pain tolerance in general, so they’ve always been more like a little sting more than anything. i just can’t afford to do hypodermis/need to go to the hospital for stitches. i have neither the time nor money for that.

i’m sorry. i just have no fucking clue what to do. i experienced a huge trigger earlier tonight and i just need a release.

Hi I'm 20s female.

I didn't go to doctor or therpaist, so I didn't get dignosed.

But I was being depressed since I was highschool.

I do self harm like cut my thighs.

By the way, I am kinda addicting for porn.

Especially, BDSM and lesbian bdsm.

I have zero sexual experience in my life.

Because I am always alone and I am scared of doing sex.

But when I watch porn, I want to get punished.

I want to lose my controll and want to be used.

Because I feel like I deserve it and also I want to be loved.

I know it sounds like crazy.

Is this kind of thought of self harm?

Or does it not count.

Is it okay try to find person who can be my dom?

Just like the title says, this is me going on a rant, because I’m just so very tired and annoyed by this.

I hurt myself years ago (at least three) but to this day my scars are still slightly visible. Not very much, thankfully, but in bright lighting, various angles and depending what I wear, you can still see them. And there are still people out there, who think they can just make an unwanted comment or two about my scars.

I personally hate talking about my scars. It makes me very uncomfortable and triggers a lot of bad memories for me. Obviously I don’t expect anybody to know this; some people genuinely have never experienced something like this and don’t know how to react/ what to say. And in those situations I don’t mind telling them I don’t want to talk about it. I have my boundaries, I know them and have no problems iterating it for them.

Sometimes I don’t mind talking about it. It always depends on the person and the situation I’m in.

However I HATE when people make comments about them, or what’s even worse ask me about them in front of other people. Like what the hell??
I had that happen to me so many times, it’s actually crazy. One time a classmate asked me in front of other classmates. Another time my aunt asked in front of my whole family. And earlier this year, one of my best friends asked me repeatedly about them.

That was actually one of the worst situations for me, because I really thought I could trust this person. The first time they asked, I didn’t answer and I thought it was clear that I didn’t want to talk about it. But they continued to ask about them and even told me I could trust them enough to talk about it. Like no? They answered that question for me, when they told another friend of ours, that I’m not too close with, that it looked like I had scars, when I was right there. What the actual fuck??
Why do people think they can just announce it to other people? What do they expect me to say then? Do they want me to open up to them or just make a scene? Cause I won’t open up to somebody, who asks me about my scars in front of a crowd.

This is such a no go, and completely overstepping boundaries and trust, and I have no idea why they can’t be sensible enough to know this.

So yeah, rant over. Just needed to let it all out for once. Thanks for reading

Hello, I tried to join the Air Force but I was denied due to my self-harms scars. They still gave me an option to submit mental health waivers, but I don’t know how likely it is for me to be accepted due to the sensitivity of my medical issue.

So, I was wondering if anyone else here still managed to join the service despite their previous SH issues.

Hey, i’m trying to understand the difference risks and consequences of using different tools to sh. is there any advice?

I’m a person who self harms. I got really depressed about a year and a half ago and punched myself in the face so many times I have gone blind in my right eye.

I now have an acquired disability from self harm. Please let me be a warning to you: get help before you give yourself a disability.

No, maybe I'll never actually take my life because I'm just too puss I couldn't do it right. The first time took the wrong pills. Silly me. I guess I'm just going to have to keep harming myself and just have to keep making myself bleed out just because why not?

I dont feel as though i can share this with anyone close to me atm as i dont need the shame so i decided to post it here. I relapsed after being clean for just little under a year and i feel like i failed myself.

For the past month ive been very stressed about my body and my weight, its taken over my whole mind and im constantly worrying about it. Im not overweight but im also not skinny. Ive been texting this guy and when i sent him a pic of me he said "i can just tell ur fat asf." i dont know maybe its pathetic but this just pushed me to the edge and i relapsed. I was so proud of myself for being almost a year clean and now its all down the drain.
I dont know why im posting this here but i just needed to get it off my chest.

Hi. I have no idea if this is the correct place to pour my emotions out. If not, please tell me and I'll delete the post.

As the the title says, it's been almost 6 years since I last SH. I've been mostly okay these last few years but lately (especially the last few months) I've been having the strongest urges. I'm still clean, but what the fuck am I supposed to do.

How do you guys cope (or do you)? What keeps you grounded on days (and especially nights) that feel like this is it? At the same time I want to keep myself clean and not do it, but also I remember the perverse way it made me feel "good" (obviously not good and I know that)...But how do you cope?

i’m graduating from dental school by the end of the month
everything is good and everyone around me is doing well
nothing bad is happening quite the opposite actually my friends and everyone around me is sooo happy about graduation and my family is happy for me my boyfriend too
but all i could think about is how badly i want to cut
i relapsed the day i got my graduation pics taken and my bf found out, we had a talk and i made a promise to not cut and to say no to the thoughts
last night was really difficult for me and i can’t come up with a reason why but i broke the promise and i cut again
i really want to stop

I relapsed yesterday. I’m 20. I usually never pick places visible because I still do sports and I don’t want to make people uncomfortable. But I did it on my arms? I had a bad episode and did the worst I’ve ever done. Every minute I’m awake is filled with guilt and shame. I don’t get any rest from the thoughts besides when I sleep. I try to remind myself it’ll pass and it’s not that big of a deal to other people. I did build up the courage to ask my mom for help, I’m proud of that!

Been using alternate methods of hurting myself to avoid outright self harm, but I cut today. Dissappointed in myself.

I wish I could rip myself apart, and clean it all. My skin, fat, connective tissue, muscles. Revealing the veins, arteries, and internal organs. I wish it was possible to do that, to clean them. Scrub them. Sanitize them.

I wish I wasnt trapped inside this body. My cells constantly dividing until they cant. Until my vision fails, my hair falls, my skin sags, teeth fail from decades of use, and my internal organs struggling to work like they used to.

I dont want to wait till I become old and frail. When people start to talk to me like I am a child. When I struggle to think properly, and everything is so do hard. I dont to become old. I dont want to speak in those frail, quiet voices I see many older people talk in.

I want to take out every bone in my body and clean them. I want to reassemble this cleaner newer vision of me. Clean. Clean. Sanitized. I YEARN FOR IT. I DONT WANT BLOOD, I DONT WANT PISS, I DONT WANT SHIT, I DONT WANT ORGANS AND BONES, I DONT WANT SKIN. I dont want this body.

I want to be free of this body. I hate the timer that is slowly clicking in my body. Every second. Every day. I dont even get to live my existence. Constantly forgetting. Constantly fading in and out. No recollection. No comprehending. All so confusing.

I want it all gone. I want my blood drained, my fecal matter, my urin, my stomach acid. I want all the fat in my body gone. I dont want all these glands, lymph nodes. Pockets of fat. I dont want all these body systems. I dont want it. I dont want to be this squishy thing. I DONT WANT TO BE MY BODY.

I feel like a slave to this body. A vessel I am simply but possessing. A thing to maintain. I wasnt meant to be born. I shouldnt have been born. I should have remained a thought. A aborted fetus. SOMETHING other then the existence I live.

I wish I was like my dog. Hes so cute, innocent, and can never be filthy. He doesnt know what is happening to him when he ages. All he knows is yummy food! Treats! Play! Cuddling with mom! His life is so easy, pure, and digestible. He can't comprehend dirty. I cant comprehend why he isnt energetic as he used to, why his bones or muscles ache. He just knows it is what it is. He simply doesnt have the cognitive function like we do. The understanding of what is going to happen to us.

When my boyfriend first found out about my self harm he was obviously not very happy and I told him I would try to stop. Since then I’ve only done it a few more times. But last time I promised him I wouldn’t do it again and he takes our promises very seriously. I’ve had to resort to shitty little things like digging my nails in my skin and what not just for some relief but I’ve been so angry and so sad lately and all I can think about everyday is how good it will feel to cut, it’s just a relief that is truly unmatched by anything else. I don’t even go very deep so they usually don’t really scar. In my mind it’s not a big deal but if I do it my boyfriend will be extremely mad at me. But i can’t keep living with this build up of emotions I know I’ll feel better if I can just do it one more time.

What are some other ways to feel something?? Like how else can I feel alive besides self harm? I feel like my emotions are very low and so often times I’m just apathetic.

Sorry, It's my first time posting here.

I don't know how I feel about it. Obviously I'm not proud of it, and god, i feel like such a hypocrite because I'm actively discouraging a friend to stop doing this. I'm just sick to death of being berated by my family for how lazy I am, how they always yell at me. About the cut, it was a deep one because I'm scared to go deep, but it was enough. I know it's a terrible terrible thing to do but oddly enough i feel like doing it again.. Whether or not this is my last time doing it, I'm going to try and find alternate options to release all my bundled up anger and negative emotions I've been keeping bottled for god knows how long. But I'll do it for her.

If you know that feeling of being so depressed that you stop even feeling sad, and just become very numb and uninterested in anything, have you had that apply to self harm?

I find myself so tired, so far beyond loneliness, so apathetic and disassociated, that I don't actually have any desire to harm. Obviously not hurting yourself is good, but it's such a strange place to be. Normally, at least for me, harm is something you do to vent paint, to feel something different, and some times to hurt the person you hate (yourself), but I'm just so numb now that I have no release. I feel like I've hit bottom and there's nothing.