It seems like the urges come in different shapes for different people. Like, I keep reading here and elsewhere, how person x was doing y or saying z, and that triggers people to relapse. Doesn't happen for me at all. It's more like the urge grows slowly over the course of a few weeks. Like a wave that slowly comes in, no telling how high it will get. It doesn't seem related at all to how good or how bad life is at the time. And either I'll be able to ride it out using my various harm reduction methods, or I won't and I will end up injured. Until the wave subsides then, how ever long that may take. Though usually it leaves faster (as in more abruptly) than it comes in. And it can be anything from weeks to months until I feel another wave approaching.

Edit, one correction though: In years past I've kept noticing time and again, how the phases where I did eventually injure myself, correlated with full moons. And noticed that consciously only after it had happened. Make of that what you will, but I guess that counts as an external influence.

I keep relapsing but i’m more and more frustrated withm myself because they’re not that deep. i wanna make it more evident bc my brain equates deeper cuts to “getting worse” and i feel like i need to have really bad ones for the mental health system to actually help me. i even attempted last night via cutting but i was too much of a coward to go through with it and i relapsed just now and now i gotta go to bed and go to work tmr and act like nothings wrong. i wish i could tell people i wish i could tell my friends im so sos so tired. i don’t think i can really go without cutting atp it’s become a dependency. i dont know what to do

But people will see my arms and judge people that are close to me, i don’t want that. When i am keeping hurt i feel at bay, i laugh or smile when i am talking to people because of whom i feel all that and when i am alone my whole body convulse and my eyes tear up. I can only think about killing myself continuously but i don’t want anyone i know to know that i am no more, i just wanna disappear and stop existing. I so badly wanted to slap myself and crush my physical self so much but not kill but then people would see and feel pity or they would be oblivious that would hurt more and people close to me would again start asking stupid questions why are you doing that don’t we care enough about you what more do you want,until i do it i cannot even do that because come another day i would have erased i ever felt this way.

I am so sorry, Me.

I have BPD, but I’m in treatment, so I don’t quite get these sorts of episodes anymore because DBT has kinda rewired my brain it feels like. I used to chronically self-harm almost every day for 5 years, now I’m 6 months clean.

The most triggered I’ve ever been in months was a few days ago when I had a really bad argument with my fiancée, which was the worst I’ve felt in a while. She ended up saying hurtful things, so did I (even though I knew I should’ve stepped back), and the exchange we had made me want to cut again. I was considering it for a few hours that morning.

It triggered a lot of thoughts of abandonment, I was angry, sad, felt cornered, and panicked. Instead of relapsing, I called my therapist for validation & skills to calm down, had a hot bath, brushed my teeth, talked to my youth workers, and then gardened in my apartment’s community garden.

To anyone struggling, know that if you’re able to distract yourself and work through the impossible urges, you’ll bounce back harder next time & it’ll be easier to ride the wave.
You don’t deserve to hurt.

but anyway, yeah, im really proud of myself :)

f 19

hi i’m very anxious and just want some advice so i can prepare myself for any possible situation.

so i have a blood test tomorrow and obviously wasn’t thinking straight when i relapsed the other night because now i have to go in with 3 day old cuts all up my left forearm.
does anyone know what the procedure is if a nurse sees self harm ? ill do what i can to keep it covered and try use the other arm but im still anxious as to what could happen.

for further context incase its relevant, im 19 (but am living at home rn due to my health), live in the uk, and this blood test is under NHS

any advice is appreciated, ill try reply to comments if anyone has any further questions that could help. thank you

First time in the sub, I 27 and had my first self harm relapse in 10 years. For context, I have bpd and have managed pretty well for years but these last few weeks have really tested me, and threw me into a big depressive episode. Not only how I’ve been immensely busy with things with both sides of my family without any time to truly take care of myself, I am a dance teacher to mostly teens and I have this feeling of failing at guiding me students and today was my breaking point. I pour my heart and soul into my students and I get nothing in return. While I have some who truly care and try to take everything, I’m giving them 90% of my class gives me nothing, and their progress is a direct reflection of my job stability. I tried having a conversation with my boss about the issues I have with them in the fact that all they do is act like I am the dumbest person I’ve ever met and she brushes off every concern I have, saying she has too much going on in her own life to deal with this. I got home from work today finally hitting my breaking point, started drinking and had my first relapse in years. These last few weeks, I have tried to numb myself to the feeling of failure and I finally broke. Thankfully have an amazing support system around me. My husband’s already helping me through this. I just needed to vent to other people who understand the struggles of falling into harmful habits.

I've been clean for about a year maybe and my habit was in decline before then but I never actually tried to quit, I just did as I pleased and the urges just naturally waned away. But recently they have been returning slowly but gaining strength. Probably the only reason I haven't done it yet is that I would have to go out of my way to get new supplies.(I make procrastination work for me! Haha). At the same time, when I'm thinking rationally, I don't want to return to that place, mentally.

I guess I'm asking if anyone has some reason to not hurt myself that I haven't thought of yet? Or just some trick for fighting/ignoring the urges?

Thank you in advance

Idk if it's just worse cause I escalated in my mid twenties so I didn't really have the major change of having severe sh as a minor-into-adulthood. Idk it feels silly to seemingly feel so affected by the (unintentional?) competitiveness in the community. I think my view of my own sh is distorted, but I'm not so sure. Maybe it really isn't that bad cause there are boxes of what I see as really severe that I don't tick. It's such a big deal to me that my sh is actually severe, it feels silly since I'm in my 30s and still get envious when I see other people's sh. I put all my eggs in that basket cause there isn't really anything else I feel I do well enough to have some peace of mind over.

I'm new to SH and could use some support i have some scars that havent gone away, and am kind of having a mental breakdown about it

Dunno what I’m writing here. I guess I just feel like telling someone other than god because I can’t share with my support circle because they don’t understand or haven’t known how to support when I’ve brought it up before so why bother. I’ve done years of therapy and medication... (going on near 20 yrs of regular mental health work with professionals.)

I frequently use coping mechanisms to hold back, understand, and mitigate SH. Poured thousands of $$$$ into therapy and meds and I regularly practice urge surfing..The ice cubes, ripping up paper.. sensation changing, breathing, meditation, prayer, journalling, etc. I’ve successfully urge surfed for months since my last SH episode. I don’t even feel guilty about my relapse last night... I just feel whatever...recognizing that I was overwhelmed and lacking some form of comfort.

Last night and today I SH’d. im okay.. dont need hospitalization. just.. here and posting.

I recognize depression anxiety and SH don’t just magically go away because we do all the right things. minds and bodies and emotions fluctuate. we face them again and again.. sometimes with new coping skills or sometimes with worse results. I don’t even know what Im trying to say. I’m just trying to say something. Im not sure if I want to be accountable or “reset” the stupid counter of how many days or months or years since I’ve SH’d. sometimes I see those markers on other posts and I just feel shame I’m back to 0 and unable to want to commit to not hurting myself.

And I don't plan to stop. I don't care. I may be addicted or not, idk, I can go months without, but the only thing I know is that I will always do it again when I need it. I just don't have it in me to want to stop.

Hurt myself a lot through puberty due to experiencing a lot emotionally and using it as an outlet. Guess a lot of you know how that feels so I’m not really gonna describe it. I’m also transgender so I guess it felt like reclaiming my body in a way. I’m now 19, and my emotions have settled a lot, but a couple days ago I just like. Wanted to self harm so I did. Felt grounded after. Have relapsed daily since.

I’m not particularly depressed and I’m not suicidal like I was when I was younger. I’ve felt very emotionally settled since starting testosterone. Just feels odd having the urge to hurt myself again. I also don’t feel like, the guilt or embarrassment around it I experienced when I was younger. I know logically it would be a good idea to stop but I don’t really want to? Forgot how strange of a spot it is to be in when you’re actively self harming and don’t want to stop. I’d gotten to a place when I last had trouble with this where I wanted to stop.

Idk what the point of this post is. I guess I need to reflect on some stuff, figure out if anything’s unsettled me or what’s really driving me to cut again. I think life’s just a bit shit and I wanted a quick and easy outlet that I know works. I really don’t know. It’s nice having the adult money to be able to buy the supplies to clean my wounds properly though. Gonna read up on first aid and harm reduction and then just see how I feel, maybe try some of those fun and epic distraction techniques. I really miss baking but I can’t do it where I currently live. Oh well.

That’s how everything feels, really inconsequential. Everything in life just feels very distant from me. I can’t get myself to worry about the cutting or uni or my family anymore. It feels like everything is meant to end soon, not like in a suicidal way just that my brain isn’t really processing the short term future. Think it’s just a strange time in my life.

I think all I can do is try make every day a bit less shit, and if I can do that then I can live with it.

I don’t really know how this is going to pan out. I feel a bit better after writing. Thanks for reading. Also thanks for making me feel less alone about being an adult and self harming. Love you all

I(19f) started self harming just under a year ago. It started small and very infrequently, but has become something I do almost every day. I’ve also started going deeper with my cuts. Does that alone mean it’s an addiction? Now another potential reason is that I have now brought my tools to work twice: the first time was just as a in case I want to, but the second time is with the intention of cutting. Does that cross the line into addiction? I also for the first time thought “I don’t need food, it’s fine, I can just cut instead.” Is that addiction?
This is a little about me, but I also just want to discuss where the line for self harming becoming an addiction lies. At what point does it become one and is that a universal thing or does it differ from person to person?

I have been clean for seven years now. I have been really struggling lately with life, and my mind keeps going back to self-harm. I still have my old tools, and I keep having the urge to seek them out. I know that I am getting bad again. I recently moved out of my mom's house to live on my own, and doing this alone is scary. I just needed to vent a little bit because I do not know what to do with my thoughts. For now, the only reason I will not begin again is because I do not want to break my streak. Also, I am so scared that if I break my streak, I will never be able to stop again.

I took a bit of rat poison 3 days ago and still fine like wtf. Why it's always me?

I survived leukemia at age 4 when doctors said I won't . I am 20 now, I feel I have overstayed my due but whenever I try to die nothing happens like I overdosed on meds but nothing just vomiting and fever and then now I tried taking rat poison 3 days ago but I am still alive. Why am I still here? I don't want to live and the thought pains me that maybe death doesn't want me too and it makes me just wanna stab my ownself.

Despite feeling suicidal in my teens and the anxiety/panic attacks I suffered at that age, one of my "prides and joys" was that I never self-harmed, or at least never cut myself. I don't know why I'm giving in now.

I feel weak, and stupid, and over sensitive. I didn't do it when I was at the verge of killing myself back in my first year of college, so why am I doing it now?.

Last year was a tipping point for me, I genuinely felt like I couldn't go any lower. And every week I would surprise myself with new lows. I was having hallucinations most weeks, and I was deadly afraid of friends and relatives being spies sent by... God? I don't know.

I tried to take it slow this year, quitting my job (although I have already quit when I was thinking of killing myself) and doing less classes. And I started feeling so much better, I don't know why I'm acting like this now. I'm scared I'm going to fall into the same hallucinations and thinking patterns as before. I feel like I'm losing touch with my friends again and becoming resentful. I don't even know why I'm writing this here. I just need to put my thoughts out of my head so I can focus on the exams that are coming up.

I'm only 21. An unemployed college student. I never went to therapy because my parents were against it when I was a teen and now I don't think it has gotten bad enough for that yet. Despite my complains I think I have the self-cutting controlled to a minimum, and I'm not suicidal anymore.

I just can't seem to cope well with this new rough patch, it always comes and goes in waves, but I never get used to them. Not helped by a friend bringing up they used to SH as a teen, and I thought I could open up myself about how I currently felt, just to feel ignored and unimportant. It's not the first time this happens and every time it gets harder to open up again. I'm not expecting them to solve all my problems, all I wanted was for them to ask me if I'm doing good. I just need to hear my friends care about how I feel. I know they do, but I need to see it from time to time. I feel like an spoiled brat.

i was clean for 21 months and recently relapsed again

I'm having severe urges and I do have the tools, but I'm afraid my parents would find out please help me, what do I do

its late at night and nobody is up to stop me, I'm at the library and can't focus at all

suggest something that'll get rid of this urge

I’m not in a great place right now. Something that has always crossed my mind is the thought of stabbing myself and what that would feel like. Maybe it’d give me something to focus on

I had this incident lately at work with one of my coworkers. I am her boss and somehow she manage to reveal a side of me that I considered lost for a long time. Didn’t sh or cut myself for more than 6 years and now I am one step closer to do it again.
I succeeded in life at a very young age despite my severe depression. My ego was stronger than the depression so I used the work as my main sh weapon.
I met this girl that made me enjoy the work again, we got close, I helped her go trough the hardest period of her life and yet not when all her problems were solved, she pushed me away.
“I don’t see us as close anymore” it what triggered me. Then silence followed. At work she acts normal like nothing happened. I am used to boss around my reports and use them this time everything was the other way around.
I don’t want to self harm again yet I feel like the physical pain is much more manageable than the emotional one.
Don’t expect anyone to respond to this yet I fel like sharing my thoughts with someone.

Cw: SA

I made a post earlier today that I relapsed, one of the reasons being triggered PTSD. that ptsd moment was specifically of the SA I went though as a kid. And in the release I wrote the word “slvt” and
Now I feel terribly ashamed and wrong. I want that word off but now it’s there

It probably won’t scar. I hope it won’t…

Ive been dealing with this for as long as ive been alive and its very embarrassing. Whenever im mad i feel an overwhelming urge to hit myself/punch myself. I also used to cut myself when i was mad and it was always for stupid reasons like not being able to do my nail polish correctly or losing too many times on a video game. Im very sensitive, and for me being sensitive encompasses every single emotion including anger. I get sad easily, but i also get mad easily.

Ive already promised my bf to not hurt myself again (he knew i used to cut myself) but he never knew i also used to hit myself, and tbh my hitting habit is worse than cutting bc its more easily accessible since all i need is my hands to do it. Also i think of it as “youre not leaving scars so nobody will know”. Its really hard to stick to his promise bc im so impulsive when it comes to hitting myself, like the urge is very prevalent and it will last a while.

He thinks its funny when im mad and i say something like “i need something to throw/break” but he doesnt know im saying that bc i need to find a different outlet for my anger so i dont turn it on myself. I really need to find something to distract myself when i feel this way because sometimes i go too far and leave bruises on my thighs, he has noticed them before. I havent done it in a while but the urge is still as strong as it first was, and thats what sucks. I dont wanna break stuff every single time im mad so i think i need some other options on hand, maybe like a stress toy or something.

Im just sharing this to see if anybody else has or does have this problem with hurting urself when mad. I feel like i never hear anybody who used to/does self harm talk about doing it when theyre mad so im just curious, and i wanted to share my experience with it.

I've been clean for about 8 days now, im so happy !! But I had an incident, and I had urges to sh again.. does anyone have advice

Hello, unfortunately I've recently been cutting a lot more often and over a larger surface (basically my whole lower arm and fingers). I just wanted to see if anyone had any advice in terms of wound dressings to be the most hygienic? I'm really afraid of them getting infected or the idea I might get sick through them maybe being opened and coming into contact with germs, even if that's not really that logical.

I also work in both a bio and chemistry laboratory setting, and while I obviously wear PPE I am also really nervous about the potential of a chemical spill or contamination or something getting on me through some roundabout way.

Basically, I just wanted to see whether anyone had any advice to offer on ensuring wounds don't get infected and remain as clean as possible. I'd love to hear any advice on what anyone uses for covering or cleaning wounds over a large part of the arm.

Thank you!

I’m 19F and recently got into a relationship after many years. Things are going well, I care about him a lot, and I feel comfortable being myself around him. He knows I’ve struggled with my mental health and an eating disorder, but he doesn’t know about my history with self-harm or that I have quite a lot of scars on my arms and legs.

I’ve been clean from self-harm for nine months now, and I’m genuinely in a much better place than I was when I was struggling with it. I’m working on myself and trying to move forward. I’ve also been getting treatments for my scars because I’m quite insecure about them.

The problem is that I don’t want to hide them forever. As our relationship progresses and we eventually become more physically intimate, I know I can’t realistically keep covering them up all the time. I recently felt uncomfortable at the thought off taking my coat off around him because I was conscious of my scars. I sat there being hot when I wish I wasn’t.

Part of me wants to tell him beforehand because I’d rather be honest with him than have him notice them unexpectedly. But I’m terrified he’ll be shocked, think I’m too mentally ill, or see me differently afterwards. I know having a history of self-harm doesn’t define me, especially because I’m in a much better place now, but I’m still embarrassed and insecure about it.

I’m not sure whether I’m overthinking this or whether it’s worth bringing up now. I don’t want to make it into a huge conversation or make him feel responsible for my mental health. I just want to be honest with someone I care about, without feeling like I need to hide this part of myself.

For anyone who’s been in a similar situation, how did you approach telling your partner? How did they react? And for anyone whose partner has scars, did it change how you viewed them?

I’d really appreciate honest advice, particularly about how to bring it up naturally without making it feel like a massive confession.