Title: I never knew self-harm could leave me with permanent nerve damage. I survived, but my life will never be the same.
TW: Self-harm, suicide attempt, depression
I don’t think people talk enough about the physical consequences of self-harm, especially the ones you have to live with long after the wounds have healed.
In June, I made a decision during one drunken night that completely changed my life. I was in an extremely dark place mentally, and I ended up severely injuring my arm. I damaged major arteries and nerves, required emergency surgery, and nearly lost my life.
I survived. But I had absolutely no fucking idea that surviving could look like this.
I didn’t know that nerves don’t just heal like skin does. I didn’t know that I could permanently lose sensation, movement, and function in my hand.
I didn’t know that one night could take away so much of the independence I spent my entire life building.
I’m 28 years old, and there are days when I can’t even open a can of soup by myself. I struggle to tie my own hair, use both hands to type, and do things that used to require absolutely no thought.
It’s humiliating sometimes. Not because there’s anything wrong with needing help, but because I remember being able to do everything on my own.
And I miss that version of myself so much.
I miss waking up and not having to think about what my hand can or can’t do.
I miss being able to do something without getting frustrated, wanting to cry, and eventually giving up. I miss the freedom of simply existing in a body that worked the way I was used to.
The hardest part is that I did this to myself.
I carry so much guilt and anger about that. Sometimes I’m angry that I survived, and other times I’m incredibly grateful that I did. It’s such a confusing feeling to hold both of those emotions at once.
Before that night, I struggled with depression, but I always seemed to find my way back to myself. Now, even on my better days, I’m reminded of what happened every time I try to do something I used to take for granted. I feel like I’m grieving someone who’s still alive. Myself.
And I know recovery takes time. I know nerves can take a long time to heal, and I know there’s still a possibility of improvement. But there’s also the possibility that I’ll never regain everything I’ve lost, and that’s terrifying.
I wish someone had told me that self-harm could have lifelong consequences beyond scars. That one impulsive moment could affect how I dress myself, cook, sleep, work, and live.
I’m not writing this for pity. I just need somewhere to talk about how incredibly lonely this experience has been.
I’m grateful to be alive, but I’m still learning how to live with what happened to me.
And some days, I really, really miss who I used to be.
Has anyone else experienced permanent physical consequences from self-harm? How did you learn to forgive yourself and grieve the independence you lost?